The holidays are upon us. If you happen to be blessed with amazing family dynamics, then you’re probably looking forward to sitting down to a good meal with your loved ones. But if you are like millions of people out there, you cringe at the thought of yet another family gathering. Because your family is known for shade, side eyes, underhanded comments, and a general feeling of thick tension in the air.
Well, never fear, here are some simple tips to help you survive the holidays this year.
The first thing to ask yourself is “Should I actually be attending family events this year?”
Yes, I know people say, “Blood is thicker than water,” but if blood will demean you, drive you nuts or leave you in tears, perhaps you might want to skip the gatherings altogether.
Please note that I’m not a big fan of canceling people or cutting them off, but if your family situation truly is toxic, you might have to sit this one out for your peace of mind. Your holidays can be spent alone or with other loved ones. Sometimes our friends can quickly become family.
Who says every holiday must be spent with family?
Once you have decided to actually go to family events, the following guidelines will save you from a heart attack.
Decide how long you will stay at the event
Because your family gets together for 8 hours on Thanksgiving Day, preps the meal together, sets the table together, then cleans up together, does not mean you have to follow that tradition. If you can only stomach them for 2 hours at a time, you decide when to show up and when to leave.
Yes, they’ll make a big fuss about you either leaving early or arriving late, but your peace of mind will be intact. Go in there, make the rounds and leave with your dignity intact.
That’s what we are aiming for this year.
Stay away from hot button topics and nosey aunties
If you’ve spent a lot of time with your family, you definitely know what topics you cannot discuss. In some families it’s politics. In others, it’s religion. And for others it could be issues around marriage, career plans, where you choose to live, child rearing issues, etc. Know the hot button topics and stay away from them at all costs.
If someone decides to bring those topics up (I’m referring to the nosey, fire starting aunties, then you can politely decide not to engage). Here’s what you can say:
“I’m not comfortable discussing that at this time.”
If they continue to query you, put your big girl pants on and stand your ground. No one can get you to discuss something you’re not ready for. No one.
Stick with the cool family members
Even though your family might be filled with troublesome characters, you probably have 1 or 2 cool family members left. You know, the quiet cousin who sits in the corner because she doesn’t like drama. Or the uncle who is positioned in front of the TV because he doesn’t care for gossip.
Find the cool, level headed family members and make them your buddies during the event. They’ll probably appreciate you for doing that because they don’t care for family drama either.
Stay away from lies
When we find ourselves in a pickle, sometimes we revert to our 7 year old selves and we spew tons of lies to protect ourselves. For example, if Aunt Margaret asks you “Why are you 2 hours late to dinner?” you feel like you’re in trouble and you start to tell an entire tale to save yourself.
You are no longer a child and Aunt Margaret has no control over you. Answer her like the adult that you are. You don’t have to be rude, but you don’t have to lie either. A big part of gaining peace of mind is being able to be yourself, regardless of what your family thinks.
There you have it. Some simple tips to help your holiday festivities feel a little more festive.
If you are sick and tired of being controlled by gossiping aunties and a toxic family, and you are ready to learn how to be an adult again, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call with me. I’m a licensed therapist in CA and TX, and helping to set people free from the bondage of a toxic family, is one of my favorite things to do.
I hope you enjoy your holiday season!