Christian Therapist for women of color with anxiety and insomnia throughout CA
Today’s blog post is going to be a bit different. We are living in pretty strange times. None of us has ever been through a pandemic. None of us has ever had to distance ourselves from our loved ones. None of us has had to walk around with face masks and hand sanitizer. We’ve never done this before. I want to have a heart to heart with you. I want to take off my therapist hat for a moment.
Marriage can be difficult. Two different people trying to compromise and do life together is not an easy feat. But if you’ve been married for more than a few days, I don’t have to tell you that. So often people wonder - “How do I keep the spark going? How can I make my marriage not only last, but actually be fulfilling?” Well, today, I’m going to tell you about 6 simple, but really important things to keep doing (or start doing) so that your marriage can be happy.
And if you are not in a happy place in your marriage, but you do want to get to a happy place, perhaps you can consider marriage counseling.
Maintaining a great marriage is all about making space in your mind and in your day for your spouse. It’s about the little things. It’s about ensuring that both of you are able to prioritize each other- even though you’re both pulled in a million different directions.
So take some notes and let’s begin:
This is super important. After you’ve both had dinner, put the kids to bed, cleaned up the kitchen and gotten lunches ready for the next day, spend about 10 to 15 minutes together to talk about your days. Turn off the TV, put your phones away, and truly see each other.
Eye contact and full attention are imperative here. Ask each other how you’re doing and talk about how the day went. When each person is talking, the other should give his/her undivided attention. Although this seems like such a small act, it invites you into your partner’s world, and vice versa. If you’re a good listener, you’ll learn so much about your partner in these short moments. You’ll also learn more about what your partner is going through and how you two can support one another. It’s an important bonding activity as a couple.
I know that date nights sound so cliche, but the idea behind it is to get away from the everyday routine and do something special for and with one another- without distractions. Date nights (or date days- because dates don’t have to only be held at night) don’t have to be expensive. They simply have to feel special. You want time alone with your partner to become a normal part of your lives.
Dates can be as simple as a packed picnic lunch, a stroll together at the mall, a movie date, or an actual trip to somewhere exotic. You don’t even have to leave your home to have a date. They can happen right there in your living room or sitting in your garage.
I highly suggest that date nights should be scheduled. If you don’t schedule them, chances are they won’t happen. At the beginning of every week, sit with your partner and map out what day you’d both like to spend time together, where you’d like to go and what you’ll do together. If you schedule this, you have a much higher chance of actually following through with it. Eventually, date nights or date days become part of your schedule and you’ll both look forward to it,
Physical touch is an important bonding tool for couples. It helps you maintain closeness and connection with your partner. Being in each other’s arms also provides a feeling of safety and security. Now cuddling can easily happen while unwinding after a long day. Sit on the couch, or on another comfortable area and just be. Get used to sitting together and bonding this way. Such a simple act really does go a long way in ensuring that your connection remains strong.
Most of the time, when we listen to our spouses talk, we are impatiently waiting for them to finish talking so that we can respond. The problem with this in a marriage is that it could easily lead your partner to feel frustrated and unheard. Active listening is something I always have couples practice in couples therapy/marriage counseling. It sometimes takes a bit of practice to get the hang of it. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership in which each person feels seen and heard. If you struggle with listening, then try this exercise.
When next you and your spouse sit down to unwind for the day, rather than talk about what you think about what he or she is saying, or trying to correct or argue with him or her, only say validating words and statements that help you understand your spouse better.
Set a timer for 10 minutes and sit next to one another. Have one partner be the speaker, while the other is the listener. The listener’s goal is to try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and respond the way you would want someone to respond if you were pouring out your heart. Validate your spouse’s feelings and summarize what you think he or she is saying. Let your spouse correct you as needed. Once you’re done, you then get to be the speaker while your partner is the listener. What you’ll get is a true bonding experience.
If you have a busy life, chances are you have situations in which you’re rushing out of the door while your spouse is at home. Make goodbyes and hellos memorable. When you are leaving the house, make it a point to give your spouse a hug, a kiss, a high five, a smile, or some other friendly exchange to acknowledge the moment.
The same thing goes for hellos. When you walk into the door, also make sure you acknowledge your spouse with a hug, a kiss, a friendly “Hello” or “What’s up,” a kiss or some other type of gesture that communicates that you’re happy to see him or her.
Remember when you were still dating? You probably sat down together for hours talking about all your hopes and dreams. Maybe that was even what attracted you to your husband or wife. Don’t lose touch with one another. Find time to talk about your long and short term goals. Reminisce about how far you’ve come and how far you both can go together. Do not get so entrenched in the daily hustle and bustle that you forget where you’re both going together.
If you really want to regain the spark in your marriage, but you are unsure of where to begin, consider scheduling a marriage counseling session. In our couples therapy sessions, you’ll learn how to create a friendship with your spouse, how to communicate clearly and how to truly maintain a happy, fulfilling marriage.
Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so you can decide if couples counseling in Houston is right for you. I provide couples counseling in Houston, TX and throughout California and Texas.
