Is It Time to Give Up or Speak Up? A Faith-Based Path for Christian Women on the Edge of Divorce

When You’re Tired of Trying: What Burnout Looks Like in Marriage

You’ve been married for a few years now, and things have been difficult. Simple communication becomes a nightmare. Simple disagreements feel like warfare. You look around you, and you wonder if other couples are struggling this much. Just when you think things are setting down, something happens again. You wonder if this marriage thing is sustainable for you. You might just be emotionally exhausted. You love your husband so much, and you believe in your heart that marriage is a beautiful institution created by God, but you are tired of fighting. Emotional exhaustion can look like isolating yourself from your husband because you’re on eggshells. It could look like one having surface level conversations with him, because you just don’t have it in you to keep fighting. You love him deeply, but you have no clue how to get to a place of unity.

If you are to be honest with yourself, you have quietly quit your marriage. And as a Black therapist who is also a Christian marriage counselor, I see this so often. You’re not filing for divorce, you don’t bring up separation, but you just stop putting your best foot forward. You stop loving your husband according to his love language, you stop peeling back the layers for your husband to see, you stop speaking to him about what you love or don’t love. You’re essentially roommates.

It could also look like smiling in public, but drowning at home. And this feels heavy all around, So you will struggle in your faith, wondering if God is still on your side. Sometimes it even affects your health because you’re holding on to pain, angst and sorrow. And you finally begin to question who you are. You wrestle with whether or not you’re a good wife, whether or not you are cut out for marriage and in the extreme, whether or not God even loves you.

Should I Stay or Go? How to Discern Without Guilt or Pressure

As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, one of the struggles that I see people go through is feeling like they love their spouses, but they don’t have the energy, desire or bandwidth to fight for their marriage. And it is probably because they have fought for so many years that they do not want to be disappointed. You work about whether or not you were meant to marry him. You begin to go back to all the reasons why you should have not married him or did not heed the warnings of your parents and friends. You worry about what would happen and what people would say if they knew what you were experiencing. You also feel so hurt about all the apologies you have not received, and you can’t bear another disappointing conversation.

But on the other end, you know that if you try to put your best foot forward, there might be hope for your marriage yet, However, you might not be ready to work things out. It is important that you ask God for wisdom and guidance, regarding what to do in your marriage, as opposed to focusing on the external signs you see. For example, if you and your husband are no longer watching movies together, going on your nightly walks, giggling about inside jokes, it does not necessarily mean that your marriage cannot be worked on.

And it might also be wise to ask yourself some important questions.

• Do I want my marriage to thrive?

• Do I have faith that my marriage can thrive?

• Am I willing to put in the work to make my marriage thrive?

• Do I love my husband?

• Am I willing to forgive?

• Am I willing to be forgiven?

• What role do I also play in the marriage breakdown?

How to Speak Up for Yourself—Even If It Changes Everything

If you decide that you are sick and tired of the way things are going, it might be time to seek further clarity from God so that you are not speaking from a place of rage or hurt. It’s important to possibly identify how you marriage got to where it is. But try to be as objective as you can be. So don’t just focus on your husband’s shortcomings, also take a look at yourself. This is not a time to beat up on yourself. You are simply looking at the data so that you can be better. If you do not know where you have been, it is hard to know where you are headed.

After you have done that work, it might be time to approach your husband so that h can also do the work of personal examination. Assertiveness is also a way to put your faith to work. If you are believing that God will restore your marriage, you also need to speak up and put in the work. A healthy marriage doesn’t happen by accident. It actually is the fruit of toil, intentionality and hard work.

It is also important not to minimize your pain and hurt, This is where working with a marriage counselor in Houston comes in. Because you might be in a space in which you feel like giving up, a great therapist can help you put your feelings into words in a way that can be digested and understood by your spouse. When you minimize your pain, it only continues and expands the pain. However when you are able to speak up about what hurts you, it creates an inner strength, your spouse also has an opportunity to be empathetic, and it can be catalyst for change in your marriage. This restores your dignity and strengthens your faith in God.

You’re Not Broken. You Just Need a Safe Place to Begin Again

My job as a Black Christian marriage therapist is to see you and give you a space to open up, speak the truth in love, forgive what needs to be forgiven and revive new life into your marriage. My job is to listen, give you the language to speak your mind and assertively ask for what you need. My job is also to help you bring the word of God alongside your marriage so that Christ can take centerstage. You will reclaim your friendship with your husband, learn how to manage disagreements that come up, know what to do after the disagreements so that you can repair, and grow in intimacy again.

You’ll both get an individual session with me, so that you can get your feelings and perspectives out. You’ll learn how to talk to each other, how to be empathetic towards each other and how to create a marital culture that will glorify God.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.