Is your family toxic?

Our behavior and the way we show up in the world, is a result of both nature and nurture. Some of us were born with a certain temperament, and then our environment also shaped us further into who we are.

But some people grew up with family members that didn’t quite pour into them the way that they should.

When we think of family, many of us think of kindness, warmth and validation, but for others, family relationships are quite complicated.

I call the latter, “Toxic Families.” I am aware that the word ‘toxic’ does sound incredibly harsh, but I define toxicity as a pattern of behavior that feels emotionally damaging. I don’t use the word ‘toxic’ for run of the mill family arguments or simple disagreements. The word is reserved for an ongoing damaging pattern of behavior within families.

Please note that going around and calling people toxic will probably lead to lots of arguments and animosity. I simply use the word as a framework to help you understand the effects that these people could have on you.

With that being said, here are some signs that your family might be toxic.

Unnecessary competition

Families should ideally support one another, but in a toxic dynamic, family members compete with one another all the time. There is this idea that there isn’t enough room for everyone, so members must claw their way to the top. Because of this unnecessary competition, family members often put one another down, and the focus sometimes is on achievements, rather than the value of the person.

Invalidation

In a functional dynamic, family members allow one another to have and feel all of their emotions. But in a toxic environment, family members appear to pick and choose which emotions they think are okay.

In some families, happiness is the only emotion allowed. In others, expressing anger is okay, but sadness is frowned upon. If sadness is frowned upon, then family members learn how to stuff their emotions down and pretend like they don’t feel sad. Other times, their sadness will be expressed through anger.

When a brave family member begins to discuss his or her deepest fears, worries and sadness, often times, family members will respond with “Is that why you’re crying?” or “That’s not a good reason to cry.” or “Don’t be weak.” All this does is it shuts the doors to genuine human closeness.

Playing favorites

Because of the competitive nature of toxic families, there is usually only room for 1 golden child. Children learn from a young age that 1 sibling is the favorite and that they should either compete, or learn to accept being second class citizens. This often leads to jealousy and hurt among siblings. Sometimes parents will actually tell everyone that they have a favorite child. As the kids grow up, the favorite child still remains the favorite, while the other siblings harbor silent resentment or bitterness.

Lots of criticism and arguing

Family members typically enjoy criticizing one another because of the competition and lack of emotional depth between them. If you are not allowed to display deep emotions, your only choice becomes keeping things superficial. And superficial conversations typically revolve around things like money, clothing, the weather, TV shows and one’s looks. Because competition is so strong in these families, criticism becomes a way of life. They have to criticize one another so that 1 of them can successfully claw his/her way to the top.

Arguing also becomes a way of life because family members have never been taught how to listen and validate one another. When you can’t validate the experiences of others, you tend to argue in a bid to break them down or get them to think like you.

Secrets

Secrets tend to run rampant in these families.  Because they are not allowed to really be vulnerable with one another, things are hidden. The problem with this is that if something really bad (like abuse) happens, it’ll get swept under the rug. The issue with secrets is that they simply perpetuate the problem. The best way to break these cycles is to discuss them and work through them. In many toxic situations, when someone discusses a difficult topic, the other family members either invalidate them or bully them into silence.

People pleasing

Because everyone wants to be the golden child, family members often try to people please. There's little room for independent thoughts and group think is the norm. If you don’t think or agree with the others, you can be criticized or sometimes, even ostracized. And since no one wants to suffer these consequences, it’s a lot easier to just conform.

These are some of the dynamics that occur in toxic families. The great thing is you do not have to perpetuate the same patterns you were raised in. Once you have an awareness about toxicity, make it a point to do things differently.

• Validate people’s emotions.

• Create a loving environment for your family.

• Treat people equally.

• Work through some of the issues in therapy.

If you realize that you have been raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to finally let go of people pleasing, anxiety and find your voice, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation call. I’m a Black counselor in California who offers online therapy in California for women and couples.

You can break the cycle.

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What is online therapy really like?

Technology can be a beautiful thing. Especially while the pandemic was in full swing. Can you imagine how horrific our lives would be if we couldn’t FaceTime our loved ones or hear their voices over the phone?

Or if the kids had to be completely out of school due to a lack of technology? But teachers everywhere were able to breathe a sigh of relief because Zoom and Google Meet kept them connected to their students.

And I am certainly happy to be a therapist in this day and age. Because it means that my clients can still continue to work on their anxiety and insomnia.

Did you know that many therapists provide online counseling? Actually I can legally provide online therapy to clients throughout California. So that way, I can keep helping you reduce anxiety, finally get rid of insomnia and work through your marital problems in marriage counseling- without leaving the comfort of your home.

Before we talk about whaat online therapy is like, let’s first talk about what you need before starting online counseling.

Tools you need to begin online therapy counseling in California.

First of all, let’s talk about what you need in order to be ready for online therapy.

1) A quiet location: I highly suggest that you are alone and distraction free when you meet with your therapist online. Shut down other devices, put head phones on if you need to and utilize this time as you normally would if you were at your therapist’s office.

2) A strong internet connection: Online therapy works best if you have a strong internet connection. That way you can see and hear your therapist clearly, and your session isn’t interrupted.

3) A device that can connect to the internet: This goes without saying. You’ll need a phone, tablet, laptop or desktop that is connected to the internet.

4) Something to prop up your device: If you’re using a tablet or a phone, I highly suggest that you prop up your device to keep it still. This will save your arm during your session and also keep the video still so that your therapist doesn’t have to stare at shaky video for almost an hour.

What is online therapy like?

Online therapy is quite similar to in person therapy. The major difference is that you are not able to come into my counseling office in Murrieta. It feels similar to a Skype or FaceTime call. You can see and hear me through your computer or phone. And I can also see and hear you.

However, I do not use Skype or FaceTime. I prefer to use Doxy.me, which is a secure online platform created specifically for health providers.

Your online security and confidentiality are important to me.

The process I use for online therapy is also very easy. You can connect with me in 3 simple steps:

1) Step 1: You type or click my confidential Doxy link. I use the same link every time.

2) Step 2: Enter your name so that I know it’s you.

3) Step 3: Wait until I add you and we begin our session.

It’s truly that easy.

During our online therapy session you can talk like you normally would, I sound the same as I always do. I use the same tools and skills that I do in person.

Some people think that online therapy is a watered down version of in person therapy. But that’s not true. You gain just as much from online therapy as you would if you saw me in person.

The only difference is that you don’t get to soak in the ambience of my Murrieta counseling office. I sometimes tell clients to get a glass of water, put on sounds of nature and also diffuse their favorite oils during an online session. This way your therapy hour becomes a wholistic experience.

Some times people ask if online therapy is just as effective as in person therapy. I certainly think so, as I use the same skills and knowledge online and I would in person. let’s put it like this. With online therapy, you don’t have to get all dressed up if you don’t want to, you can work on yourself from the comfort of your home or office. No need to navigate through traffic or spend extra time getting ready.

Some people absolutely love the convenience of online sessions, while others prefer in person sessions. I typically use my professional judgement to only see clients whom I believe online sessions will benefit. If I don’t think you’ll be a great candidate for online therapy or counseling, then I will definitely let you know.

If you are ready to finally get rid of anxiety, insomnia or regain the friendship you once had in your marriage through marriage counseling or couples therapy, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call.

I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women of color and couples break generational cycles and find friendship again.

Blog updated October 3, 2022.

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How your therapist is really feeling

Today’s blog post is going to be a bit different. We are living in pretty strange times. None of us has ever been through a pandemic. None of us has ever had to distance ourselves from our loved ones. None of us has had to walk around with face masks and hand sanitizer.

We’ve never done this before.

And so I want to have a heart to heart with you. I want to take off my therapist hat for a moment and put on my human hat. My citizen hat.

As a therapist, it is my job to hold space for my clients. I go into the dark spaces, they tell me things they’ve never told anyone, we create amazing transformation! I always have my clients’ best interests at the forefront of my mind. From my website, to the way my phone is answered, to my emails, to my gorgeous mental health spa (my office), I pride myself in giving my clients a top notch experience. Everything has been curated especially for my clients.

Everything I do is to ensure that my clients have a beautiful, one of a kind experience. Working with me is a whole mood in itself.

I don’t provide cookie cutter service at all, because I know each individual I work with is unique. For some people, I provide Christian counseling- we integrate scripture and faith into the details of the work we do.

Yes, prayer and Jesus are allowed in my therapy office.

For others, I utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBTI), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I use my expertise to help you knock anxiety down, finally say goodbye to insomnia or help repair your marriage.

And my loud, loud laughter often echoes through the office while we are in session. My clients know exactly what I mean.

But in this season, things have changed.

Things look different. My mental health spa office is no longer open for clients to sit in. I’ve had lots of people tell me how much they miss my soft blue microfiber couch, my assorted teas, my sound machine and the smell of lemongrass.

Oh, the smell of lemongrass.

Lean in, let me tell you a secret. I miss those things too.

I’m now solely seeing clients online. Although I’ve always offered online counseling services for people throughout Calfornia, this is the first time that I’ve had to practice 100 percent online.

It’s challenging. For you AND for me.

But you know what remains the same? Our resiliency. Your resiliency. Over the years I’ve worked with some amazing people and I’ve seen how truly strong the human spirit can be.

I’ve seen people rise from the impossible. I’ve seen chronic insomniacs finally sleep well after 10 years of angst. I’ve seen people who were in the pit of anxiety, finally take control of their own lives, ditch people pleasing, walk a little bit taller and use their big girl voices again!

I’ve seen couples who practically hate each other, finally hold hands again, giggle like high school kids and fight for their love after going through couples counseling.

I’ve seen people heal from trauma, after putting in so much work while sitting on my soft blue microfiber therapy couch.

But something remains the same.

• I still have my therapist’s heart. I am still committed to helping my clients fight anxiety and insomnia.

• I am still committed to making therapy feel like an entire mood (my clients know what that means).

• I still have my unusually loud, echoey laugh.

• I still provide individualized counseling or therapy services for people in the Temecula/Murrieta area. Actually I’ve always provided online therapy for women throughout California.

• I am still here to walk into the dark, scary spaces and help you reach the light.

• I am still here to pray with you when you want that.

• I am still here with all my knowledge, expertise and experience.

• I can still give you homework, make you think deeper than ever and push you so that you can flex those emotional muscles.

• I am still here to provide you with what you need. Although this pandemic has created some unique circumstances, technology allows me to continue to provide therapy services using a secure platform.

If you are a woman in California, struggling with anxiety or insomnia, don’t wait until things seem normal to reach out. Reach out now. Your future self will thank you.

I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who is committed to helping women of color, find generational healing and finally feel comfortable using their voice. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call.

I also provide online counseling in California to all California residents.

Ready to ditch anxiety and fear?

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An introvert's COVID-19 survival tips for extroverts

Social distancing is a new concept for most people. But if you are an introvert, chances are you have probably been practicing a watered down version of social distancing for most of your life.

Social distancing can be exceptionally problematic for extroverts. You crave in person connections with others. You love outdoor activities that involve face to face time with friends. Maybe you’re even a hugger who thrives off of physical connections with people. Perhaps you miss some of your hobbies and you just want things to go back to normal.

You’re going stir crazy and you don’t know what to do.

Never fear. Here are some tips for surviving social distancing from a self proclaimed ‘Introvert’s introvert.’

1) Adjust your mindset

Your outcome is really dependent on the way you view this situation. Don’t look at COVID-19 and social distancing as the end of fun. Rather, use it as an opportunity to reinvent yourself, connect with people around you (virtually), enjoy nature and to take a small step back.

Because you don’t have the luxury of seeing people in person, doesn't mean that you are completely disconnected from the world. So get creative.

You can schedule daily zoom or Google hangouts with friends. You can pick up the phone and call loved ones. Being faraway does not cut you off from others.

2) Get a workout in

Being home for the majority of the day is a great opportunity for you to get in shape. Even though you might not be able to go to the gym like you’re used to, many gyms are actually offering online group classes. Check in with your local gym to see if they are doing so.

If your gym doesn't have that service, you can actually start a virtual exercise group of your own. Just gather a few of your buddies online, and workout to the same routine. Youtube has thousands of workout videos ranging from dance, yoga, stretch, pilates to strength training.

If Youtube isn’t your thing, maybe you can find a routine that works for you and encourage your friends to workout alongside you virtually.

You get to enjoy time with your friends while sweating the stress away.

Plus your body produces endorphins (happy hormones) when you work out. It’s a win win.

3) Don’t forget to check in with your friends

Introverts are known for having deep, personal discussions with their small groups of friends. Here is your opportunity to truly be there for your loved ones. Social distancing is not the same thing as being a social recluse. Luckily for you, you have technology at your disposal and you can use it to your advantage. Because lots of people are working from home, some of your friends will be bored and more than happy to take your call.

Bored people typically enjoy being checked up on.

Now is the time to call friends that you have lost touch with or friends you wouldn't normally check in with. Embrace you inner introvert and really connect beneath the surface. Now you get to practice this skill.

At first it might seem awkward to talk about such important things, but you’ll really get to connect with others at a deep level.

You still have FaceTime and video chat platforms. That way you get to see their faces as you engage with them.

4) Take a nap if you can

Well this isn’t just for extroverts. Napping isn’t particularly an introverted trait. It just feels nice for all humans. Everyone can benefit from nap time. Naps not only rejuvenate you, but they also help pass the time away.

If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed in the middle of the day, set a 30 minute timer and lay down. If you have kids, you can institute family nap time. At first your kids will think you’re weird, but they might eventually get into it.

You will wake up feeling so refreshed and ready to complete your tasks.

5) Explore a new hobby

Many introverts engage in activities that keep them occupied all day. Think back to when you were a child. What did you enjoy doing? Now is the time to explore your rich inner world. Do you like to read? Do you like to draw, color, paint, knit, crochet, sing or dance?

If you like math, there are so many brain games out there to keep your mind focused. If you’ve always dreamed of writing a short story, here is your chance. Because your world might have slowed down a bit, it opens up the creative part of your brain.

Maybe you can even start virtual book club or a virtual Bible study with friends. Social distancing doesn’t necessarily mean boredom and gloom.

And here’s my personal favorite. Try downloading the calm app and practice mindfulness skills. It’ll really help you with some of the anxiety and angst you feel.

Here is your challenge. Write out 5 enjoyable activities and commit to participating in 1 or 2 a week. You will discover that there is so much fun to be had.

6) Spend intentional time with your family

Many introverts are very intentional about their relationships with their loved ones. While introverts tend to keep their friend circle small, they go really deep. Because they spend a lot of time noticing their environment, they tend to notice things about their loved ones that extroverts might miss.

Carve time each day to really connect with the people you live with. Ask them how social distancing is going for them. Talk about non corona related things. Talk about their hopes and dreams, talk about your relationship with them and how you can really deepen it.

Ask them how you both can support one another during this pandemic. When you turn toward each other, life feels so much better.

If you have a spouse, do regular relationship check ins in which you both discuss what has been going great and things you’d like to tweak within the home.

If you have kids, also have a daily check in with them to ensure that things are going well.

Embrace your inner child. Play board games, video games, engage in imaginary play and really bond with your kids. I bet you both will enjoy it. You will never get this time back.

7) Get out of the house (if you can)

Social distancing does not mean that you have to be cooped up at home 24/7. You can sit in your front yard or backyard and take in the sights and sounds of nature. One of my favorite mindfulness activities is using my 5 senses to enjoy nature.

You can sit outside and take in the smell around you, the feeling of the breeze on your skin, the sight of the leaves swaying in the wind, the fluttering of birds as they enjoy their day, the beautiful colors of the sky, trees and everything around you.

Take a moment to truly enjoy the beauty that is all around you.

You can take a walk around the block or find a new hiking trail. Your body and your mind will thank you for this.

If you find that you are struggling with anxiety, insomnia or your marriage feels challenged due to COVID-19, I provide online therapy services to individuals throughout California. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so that anxiety can be a thing of the past.

Ready to ditch anxiety and fear?

Click image to download the FREE e-book

COVID-19 and your marriage: How to navigate working from home with your spouse

Working from home can be a challenge if you have never done it before. Working from home is a double challenge when you and your spouse are doing it together.

But the great thing is that if you are intentional about it, it could work great for the both of you. Here are 5 simple tips to help you and your spouse survive working from home together.

1) Have a plan for the day

If you and your spouse are to have a peaceful home while working at home simultaneously, it’s important to plan out your day in a way that will work well for the entire family. If you have school aged kids, chances are you are now homeschool parents. Have a conversation about how to split the kids’ work. Sync your schedules so that each of you knows who is in charge of which tasks around the home. If you want to be really organized, you can actually create a Trello board or a written out plan of what your schedules should be.

Talk about who is in charge of meals, cleaning, when both of you will be taking breaks, where each of you will be working within the house, and of course, who will be helping the kids out with their school work. Without an actual plan, I can assure you that the transition to working from home will be quite chaotic. Split up chores so that the house still remains organized while you are working.

I highly suggest trying to have meal times together if possible. The beauty of having the family home is that you all get to really bond and enjoy one another. It’s such a luxury in this fast paced society.

2) Check on your spouse during the workday

If you and your spouse are working from different areas of the home, check up on him or her during the work day. You can send a text or even just pop your head in to say “Hello.” It might sound corny or weird, but everyone likes to be checked on. It shows a whole lot of care and it helps you both strengthen your friendship.

3) Respect each other’s work boundaries

If you and your spouse do not usually work together, working from home could be a challenge. Talk about each other’s ideal work space. Some people like an immaculate and organized space, while others can thrive in an office that looks like it has been hit like a hurricane.

If you are not so organized, but your partner thrives in a tidy environment, respect that. Perhaps you could work together to create a welcoming home office environment so that both of you feel comfortable.

If you thrive with loud music and your spouse likes to work in silence, simply pop in some head phones. Although both of you might be different in the way that you work, you both have a common goal- to get some work done.

Remember that although you both might be home all day, you should remember that both of you have to be productive.

4) Give your spouse some space

Working from home together does not mean that you both have to be around each other 24/7. If one of you is highly sensitive or introverted, chances are you value alone time. Explain that to your spouse in a kind, loving way. If you both share a home office, and you happen to need some space from your spouse and kids, you can take breaks alone so you can recharge and unwind.

During these breaks you can stretch, go for a walk, watch something funny, read a book, workout or even do chores around the house. Some couples do not do well when they have been together all day long. If you and your partner are that couple, prevent arguments and irritation by simply ensuring that both of you get the alone time that you need.

5) End the day together

And when the day is over and the kids are in bed, it’s time to debrief. Talk about what you loved about the day and what did not go so well. But be careful not to be too nit picky so that it doesn't turn into a full blown argument.

Use this time as a bonding moment. You can pray together, listen to a podcast together, sit on the couch together or just be together in silence if you want.

Although there is a crisis going on in the outside world, there is no reason why there should be a crisis within your home as well. Turn to each other, cover each other in love. Make it your mission to make your marriage a lot stronger when this whole thing is over.

If you and your spouse are looking to really strengthen your friendship with one another, I offer marriage counseling in the Temecula/Murrieta area. Due to social distancing guidelines, I am now providing couples counseling online to California residents. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if couples therapy in Murrieta is right for your marriage.

How to not ruin your marriage during COVID-19

Before I begin, let’s just get this clear. COVID-19 is a really serious virus. Please follow all the instructions and pay attention to the guidelines that the medical community has outlined for us. I know this new social distancing lifestyle is tough. But if we all play our part, we will all make it through.

Now on to the post.

Marriage is already a challenge. But how on earth do you survive when you, your spouse, and everyone who lives with you (kids, in-laws, and other family members) have to be in the same space 24/7?

Never fear. It’s actually possible to improve your marriage during this pandemic by doing 5 simple things.

1) Check your mindset

Rather than viewing COVID-19 and social distancing as the end of your marriage as we know it, view it as an opportunity to rebuild. Remember when you first met your spouse? You had wonderful butterflies in your stomach, you had a tingle in your chest when you’d hear his voice. You thought the world revolved around him. This is your chance to get back to that place. Use this time as a real opportunity to get to know each other.

If you think of this situation as the worst possible thing, I promise you that you will be miserable until life returns to normal. But if you view it as an opportunity, your marriage will end up stronger than ever. After all, if your marriage can make it through this, you guys are ninjas! And we all know that ninjas aways win.

Instead of thinking, “I’m stuck in the house with my husband,” think this instead: “I get to be in the house with my husband and we get a second chance at our marriage.”

The way you think directly affects the way you feel, which also affects your behavior. So a great marriage starts with how you view it.

2) Actually spend time together

Although you and your spouse are probably home together all day (assuming you get to work from home), do not avoid each other like the plague.

Eat meals together, talk to one another, look at each other, compliment each other, ask each other how the day is going, reminisce about the past (only the great parts of the past) and try to get back to a happy place.

Think of this as an opportunity to re-ignite a friendship. Imagine your spouse is a friend whom you are just getting to know. Ask him questions and make life fun again.

This is also a great time to watch movies together, listen to podcasts together, workout together and just be together. You’ll be surprised how close two people can get when they actually become intentional about time spent together.

3) Create daily rituals

One common thread amongst all couples is that they are busy. The husband gets up super early, rushes out the door, then the wife rushes around the house while getting the kids ready. Many families live in the same house, but they don’t really live together.

That team spirit is lacking.

But no more. Let’s change that. You get to actually change that. So here are some new rituals I’d like you to try. If you already practice these rituals, then that’s great! Keep it up!

• When you wake up in the morning, say “Good morning” or “Hello” or “Hey” to your spouse. Don’t just roll out of bed, grunt and go about your day. Acknowledge him or her in some way.

• Before you go to bed at night, say: “Goodnight.” And try to do it with a smile on your face. It’s the little gestures that count.

• Try to do some chores around the house together. Maybe he washes the dishes while you rinse them. Or maybe you do laundry and he folds. Or you both can fold clothes together. Get creative.

• Chances are that both of you have a little extra time on your hands. So why don’t you play a game together when the kids are in bed? It doesn’t even matter what game. Just play a game. There’s Uno, Monopoly, Chess, Checkers, The Game of Life. You could solve a sudoku puzzle or a crossword puzzle together. As long as it’s done together. If you like apps, I love Gottman Card Decks. You can download it in the app store.

• After the day is over, debrief together. Talk about how social distancing is going for the both of you. Talk about how you’re feeling, and what’s going on in your inner worlds. This is how you build closeness.

4) Pick your battles wisely

Being together more than you’re used to can easily become irritating (I’m being real here). So pick your battles wisely. Rather than focusing on everything your spouse is doing wrong, focus on what he or she is doing right.

Make a plan for the day and tackle it together. Understand that your spouse is NOT going to be perfect, but this is the spouse you chose. This is the person you fell in love with.

Don’t bicker about every single thing.

And if you have to address something negative, pick the right time and the right place.

Remember debriefing from step 3 above? Perhaps you guys can address 1 or 2 issues when everyone else is in bed.

• State your piece without yelling or name calling.

• Give your spouse a chance to say his part.

• Finally, come to an understanding of how you both will do things differently in the future.

5) Work on a shared goal

This is a great time to identify and begin to work on important goals together. There has never been a better time to work on your financial goals. Maybe you can both create a budget together and figure out how to implement it.

You could also work on a project around the house. This is also a great time to declutter, paint a room, organize something, teach your kids a new skill, learn how to use software, begin a work out program, learn a new language, plan for the future, etc.

It really doesn't matter how big or how small the project is, just work on it together!

So yes, although we are living in troubled times, you and your spouse have control over the success of your marriage.

And if you need help working on shared goals, managing battles and strengthening your friendship as a couple, I offer couples counseling. Due to social distancing and COVID-19 guidelines, I am providing couples counseling services online. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so that your marriage can move back to a place of butterflies and bliss.