Is It Time to Give Up or Speak Up? A Faith-Based Path for Christian Women on the Edge of Divorce

When You’re Tired of Trying: What Burnout Looks Like in Marriage

You’ve been married for a few years now, and things have been difficult. Simple communication becomes a nightmare. Simple disagreements feel like warfare. You look around you, and you wonder if other couples are struggling this much. Just when you think things are setting down, something happens again. You wonder if this marriage thing is sustainable for you. You might just be emotionally exhausted. You love your husband so much, and you believe in your heart that marriage is a beautiful institution created by God, but you are tired of fighting. Emotional exhaustion can look like isolating yourself from your husband because you’re on eggshells. It could look like one having surface level conversations with him, because you just don’t have it in you to keep fighting. You love him deeply, but you have no clue how to get to a place of unity.

If you are to be honest with yourself, you have quietly quit your marriage. And as a Black therapist who is also a Christian marriage counselor, I see this so often. You’re not filing for divorce, you don’t bring up separation, but you just stop putting your best foot forward. You stop loving your husband according to his love language, you stop peeling back the layers for your husband to see, you stop speaking to him about what you love or don’t love. You’re essentially roommates.

It could also look like smiling in public, but drowning at home. And this feels heavy all around, So you will struggle in your faith, wondering if God is still on your side. Sometimes it even affects your health because you’re holding on to pain, angst and sorrow. And you finally begin to question who you are. You wrestle with whether or not you’re a good wife, whether or not you are cut out for marriage and in the extreme, whether or not God even loves you.

Should I Stay or Go? How to Discern Without Guilt or Pressure

As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, one of the struggles that I see people go through is feeling like they love their spouses, but they don’t have the energy, desire or bandwidth to fight for their marriage. And it is probably because they have fought for so many years that they do not want to be disappointed. You work about whether or not you were meant to marry him. You begin to go back to all the reasons why you should have not married him or did not heed the warnings of your parents and friends. You worry about what would happen and what people would say if they knew what you were experiencing. You also feel so hurt about all the apologies you have not received, and you can’t bear another disappointing conversation.

But on the other end, you know that if you try to put your best foot forward, there might be hope for your marriage yet, However, you might not be ready to work things out. It is important that you ask God for wisdom and guidance, regarding what to do in your marriage, as opposed to focusing on the external signs you see. For example, if you and your husband are no longer watching movies together, going on your nightly walks, giggling about inside jokes, it does not necessarily mean that your marriage cannot be worked on.

And it might also be wise to ask yourself some important questions.

• Do I want my marriage to thrive?

• Do I have faith that my marriage can thrive?

• Am I willing to put in the work to make my marriage thrive?

• Do I love my husband?

• Am I willing to forgive?

• Am I willing to be forgiven?

• What role do I also play in the marriage breakdown?

How to Speak Up for Yourself—Even If It Changes Everything

If you decide that you are sick and tired of the way things are going, it might be time to seek further clarity from God so that you are not speaking from a place of rage or hurt. It’s important to possibly identify how you marriage got to where it is. But try to be as objective as you can be. So don’t just focus on your husband’s shortcomings, also take a look at yourself. This is not a time to beat up on yourself. You are simply looking at the data so that you can be better. If you do not know where you have been, it is hard to know where you are headed.

After you have done that work, it might be time to approach your husband so that h can also do the work of personal examination. Assertiveness is also a way to put your faith to work. If you are believing that God will restore your marriage, you also need to speak up and put in the work. A healthy marriage doesn’t happen by accident. It actually is the fruit of toil, intentionality and hard work.

It is also important not to minimize your pain and hurt, This is where working with a marriage counselor in Houston comes in. Because you might be in a space in which you feel like giving up, a great therapist can help you put your feelings into words in a way that can be digested and understood by your spouse. When you minimize your pain, it only continues and expands the pain. However when you are able to speak up about what hurts you, it creates an inner strength, your spouse also has an opportunity to be empathetic, and it can be catalyst for change in your marriage. This restores your dignity and strengthens your faith in God.

You’re Not Broken. You Just Need a Safe Place to Begin Again

My job as a Black Christian marriage therapist is to see you and give you a space to open up, speak the truth in love, forgive what needs to be forgiven and revive new life into your marriage. My job is to listen, give you the language to speak your mind and assertively ask for what you need. My job is also to help you bring the word of God alongside your marriage so that Christ can take centerstage. You will reclaim your friendship with your husband, learn how to manage disagreements that come up, know what to do after the disagreements so that you can repair, and grow in intimacy again.

You’ll both get an individual session with me, so that you can get your feelings and perspectives out. You’ll learn how to talk to each other, how to be empathetic towards each other and how to create a marital culture that will glorify God.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Fighting the Same Fight Over and Over? What Christian Women Need to Know About Perpetual Arguments

Why You Keep Having the Same Arguments in Marriage

If you and your spouse have been having the same old problems over and over again, never fear. Majority of the arguments that couples have are actually perpetual- and emotionally exhausting. And yes, that includes Christian couples too. The problem that you are falling into is that you are trying super hard to solve every problem or convince your spouse that you are right, But what if you spent your time trying to understand your spouse’s point of view? Understand his perspective. Wouldn’t that work wonders for you? When I see couples during Christian marriage counseling in Houston, I notice that the source of these perpetual problems is unmet needs. One partner feels largely unseen or unheard. Another partner might feel like his values aren’t being respected or that his perspective doesn’t matter. And sometimes the argument stems from childhood stuff. People shut you up when you were little, so you vowed that everyone will hear your voice.

Perpetual problems are those arguments that keep showing up. And many times, they actually can’t be solved. Sometimes these problems are rooted in your own values. And we all know that values don’t easily shift. If you are trying to convince your spouse to change his mind based on his values, you are going to end up feeling very frustrated as your conversation will end up in a stalemate.

Solvable problems, on the other hand, are often not rooted in your values. If both of you communicate appropriately, you will be able to come to a joint conclusion about what to do- as long as your main goal is not to convince your spouse that you are always right. Solvable problems might also include compromise.

Intelligent couples sometimes repeat the same old fights because they are used to being in charge in other spheres- at church, with the kids, in the community, and at work. They are also used to having much knowledge and others bending to their will. In some situations, you also have a great memory, and so you start to list off points as if you’re in court. When either you or your spouse doesn't feel heard, then most likely, one of you will dig their heels in the ground- leading to a stalemate.

But what if we embraced the Christian value of reconciliation, being slow to speak and quick to listen? What if you embraced the value of apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions, rather than justifying them? What if you chose peace over being right?

What’s Really Behind the Conflict? (Hint: It’s Not Just the Topic)

If you and you husband are caught in this same perpetual argument process, take a step back and ask yourself what is underneath the argument? Because it is certainly not about putting the towel seat down, throwing dirty clothes in the hamper or being on time for events. Dig deeper. Maybe it’s about not being hard. Maybe you’re frustrated because you do not feel as if you can trust or lean on your spouse. You think to yourself “If he can’t throw dirty clothes in the hamper, will he be able to take care of me in my old age?” Or “If she keeps interrupting me when I talk, then does she actually care about my needs?” Dig deeper and address those unmet needs, rather than perpetually talking about surface level issues.

As a Black therapist in Houston, I notice that a big need that often gets unmet is the need for respect. So often, we grow up in environments that didn’t give us what we need. We were disrespected by mothers, fathers, friends, caregivers and even people in church. We have experienced being talked down to, overlooked and maybe even laughed at. And so when you are in a moment in which your husband or your wife is speaking over you, not agreeing with your opinion, or seemingly ignoring you, it takes you to a place of pain and upset. But rather than communicating your real need, you dig your heels in and argue about the toilet seat instead.

Another big need that many of my client have is simply deep connection with their spouse. Rather than saying that they feel lonely, they want to be loved according to their love language, or that they are scared, they make the argument about “You don’t care about me.” Or “You don’t love me.” Saying those words lead to deeper arguments, but they don’t hit the mark.

Safety is another need that goes unmet. And when I say safety, I don’t mean domestic violence. I mean emotional safety. The assurance that one matters. The assurance that you are seen, loved and cared for. The assurance that you can go to your spouse with your vulnerabilities and you will be held with gentleness and empathy. Many people deeply yearn for this but are never able to articulate this need because it might feel embarrassing or foreign.

So ask yourself “What is underneath my anger? What does this moment trigger from my past? What is my deepest need?” Begin to speak these things to your spouse so that he can better understand you. And ask him to do the same with you. Remember to use “I” statements and do not be insulting or critical. Focus on your needs, not his shortcomings.

Breaking the Cycle: A Faith-Based Plan to Interrupt Conflict Patterns

To break the cycle of perpetual problems, frequent arguments and misunderstandings, it is important to do one thing differently. Think about how your arguments begin. It could be that your husband says something, then you respond in a mean way, and then yelling ensues. Think about your role in the perpetual arguments. If your role is that you typically get defensive, then it is time to pause. Remind yourself that your spouse is not your enemy and he deserves to be heard just as much as you deserve to be heard. Remember that he's not attacking you. He is simply stating his point of view. If there are hurtful statements that he makes often, point them out so that he knows to change them. If he does not know how to change them, then teach him how to speak to you. And have him do the same for you.

Whenever you're about to have intense conversation, take some time to pray together and invite the Holy Spirit to be your guide. Very often we forget the impact that prayer can have in softening our hearts, given us wisdom, bridling our tongues, and allowing us to communicate gently and appropriately. If both of you confess that you are Christians, and it is time to include your values even in your disagreements.

Sometimes when things are getting too heated, it might be time for silence, space or softness. Do not feel like you have to respond to every rude comment your husband makes. Sometimes your silence is enough to provide him with correction. Sometimes it is important to just ignore his unwise comments. And sometimes it is important to just create space between you and your husband. If the conversation gets to a point in which nobody is listening, then take a time out. One of you needs to say something like this; “I’m noticing our conversation is becoming disrespectful. Let’s take 30 minutes to cool down.” And then both of you retreat to different rooms. During a time out, you are not to stew about the argument- that will only enrage you. Rather, focus on something else to distract your mind. You can even use it as a time of prayer.

You don't have to wait until your husband completely changes or is a perfect Christian to begin to implement these things. It only takes one person to shift a negative dynamic. You can be the example in your home.

You’re Not Alone: Work with a Black Christian Therapist in Houston Who Gets It

Marital strife feels completely exhausting. It affects your mood, it affects the way you behave with your kids, it leads you to bitterness, sadness and even tears. Maybe you’ve tried everything possible. You’ve prayed, you’ve chosen the silent approach and the loud approach, but nothing seems to be working. Maybe your marriage issues are getting worse. Do not fear. When you work with me- A Black therapist in Houston, I’ll break things down in a way that both you and your husband can receive. You’ll get practical tools to help you communicate in a loving, but assertive manner. We will also be able to utilize your biblicalvlaues so that you are guided by The Holy Spirit in your marriage. Because you don’t have to put your beliefs aside to be in marriage therapy.

Once you receive professional outside support, your marriage can become a place of peace, a place of comfort. No more walking on egg shells or waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your kids will finally get to witness what a healthy marriage is. You can finally break the cycle of bad marriages in your family.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage.
Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.