Relationships can be tricky. And when I say relationships, I don’t just mean romantic relationships. I’m talking about parent-child, friend-friend, brother-sister, aunty-niece, and every other type of relationship you can think of. It’s important that you know how your loved ones actually want to be loved. Anything short of that will feel to them like something is missing in your relationship.
What’s a love language?
And that’s where love languages come in. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, each person has a specific way in which he or she prefers to give and/or receive love. This is called a love language. Gary Chapman states that there are 5 love languages, and that each love language can be used in the workplace, with our kids, partners and pretty much in every important relationship. To have a solid relationship, it is important that you know your partner or loved one’s love language so that you can show him or her love in a way that he or she can receive it. If you are loving them in a way that they cannot receive it, they will feel unappreciated, unseen or unheard. Typically, we show people love in the way that we like to receive it, but it’s important that we not only learn our own love language, but we learn how to speak our loved one’s love language.
To get these love languages right, it’s first important that you know what the 5 love languages are.
What are the 5 love languages?
1) Physical Touch: This one is quite easy to notice. If your loved one loves hugs, kisses, snuggles, cuddles and any other type of physical touch, then this is probably his or her primary love language.
What this looks like for children: You’ll notice this easily in little children. They’re the ones who love high fives, who hug you when you return from work in the evening, they’ll want to sit on your lap, hold your hand, snuggle in bed with you and have some sort of bodily contact with you. It makes them feel safe, protected and loved. If your child loves physical touch, make an effort to provides lots of hugs, kisses and high fives.
What this looks like in adults: Many women often roll their eyes when we talk about physical touch because they automatically assume that physical touch and sex are synonymous. The truth is, children who love physical touch grow up to be adults who love physical touch- that is unless their environment doesn’t endorse safe physical touch. So if your partner’s love language is physical touch, make an effort to hold his/her hand, give a kiss, a back rub, sit next to him/her on the couch, and use bodily warmth to be reassuring. If physical touch isn’t your thing, then it’ll definitely take an effort on your part, but it’ll help build your bond.
2) Acts of service: People who love acts of service are those who always seem to be volunteering for one mission or the other, they spend their time serving others in some way and they are always tryin to do nice things for others.
What this looks like for children: Kids who love acts of service are the ones who constantly ask you if they can help you, they volunteer to be the teacher’s helper at school, they are there to help their friends, and they take joy in using their time to be helpful to others. To keep the love alive, let them be your helper- no matter how young they are. They can help you with folding laundry, they can pass you the salt at the dining table, they can help younger ones with homework, and they most certainly can be the teacher’s helper at school.
What this looks like in adults: Adults who love acts of service are also always doing things for others. It might look like them offering to wash your car, offering to pick up something for you at the grocery store, fixing things around the house, and always being a helpful resource to others. To fill their love tanks, offer to also be helpful for them. Ask if you can work with them on a project, or be helpful in some way. If you’re handy, offer to fix something up for them. They’ll be sure to appreciate that.
3) Words of affirmation: If this is your love language, then it means that you are always talking to people about how much you love and appreciate them. You are the cheerleader of the family. You write kind notes, you tell people how much you appreciate them and you’re very verbal with your love.
What this looks like for children: These are the natural encouragers. They tell others “Good job!” or “You’ve got this!” They’re also the kids who tell you “I love you” over and over again.They are not shy to show you how much you mean to them. So then, you can strengthen your relationship by reciprocating this. When they do well, you should verbally tell them that you are proud of them. Also be vocal about your love for them. They need to hear it first in order to feel it.
What this looks like in adults: They are also encouragers. They’ll tell you how much they appreciate you, they’ll send you texts and emails about how glad they are about something you did. They’ll remind you of their love for you. All you have to do is simply listen to them, and you’ll surely hear the ways that they affirm you verbally. To show your love for them, do the same. Send texts about how much you appreciate and love them, and if you’re comfortable, tell them to their face as well. If this isn’t your love language, it might feel awkward to do this at first, but it really does help to strengthen your relationship.
4) Gifts: Some people feel loved when they are given tangible gifts. These gifts don’t have to cost a lot of money. They simply like a physical token to remind them of your love for them.
What this looks like for children: These are the children who are always making something for you. They draw pictures, they make Lego statues, they make you a bracelet, or they simply sculpt something out of modeling clay. Please don’t throw these gifts away in front of your kids. Express your appreciation for them and display them on the fridge or somewhere public for a while, to show that you want to receive their love.
What this looks like in adults: These are the people who will buy or make you gifts. They might make a photo book, a scrap book or even buy you something expensive. This is simply their way of showing you that they love you. If you’re not someone who treasures gifts, it’ll be important to have a conversation about that with your partner about how to maneuver this situation- especially if they are in the habit of spending a lot of money on gifts.
5) Quality Time: This one is the most tasking love languages for some people as time is the only resource we feel like we need more of but we can’t get more of.
What this looks like for children: These are kids who want to sit by you, look you in the eyes when they are speaking and they want your undivided attention. As they get older, they’ll try to get your attention by following you around the house or just asking you to be with them. A quick tip for busy parents of kids who want quality time. Begin to include them in your day to day activities. They can sit with you as you fold laundry, you can have a conversation with them in the kitchen as you cook, you can take them with you to the grocery store. They don’t care where you are, they just want to see your face. If you’re away from home for an extended period of time, you can do a quick FaceTime call with them. Perhaps carve out a few minutes at the end of the day to just be with them and look them in the eyes the way that they want. Quality time doesn’t have to take a long time. It just has to feel like your attention is on them.
What this looks like in adults: These are people who want you to spend time with them. Put down your electronics and schedule a date with them. It doesn’t even have to be romantic or expensive. Go on a short walk together, watch TV together, listen to music together, cook together, run errands together. They’re happy if they are able to get your attention.
So, do you know what your love language is? Note that it’s possible to have multiple love languages or a primary and secondary love language. And if you’re struggling to connect with your partner or your kids, I offer family counseling in Murrieta to help families get back on the same page and begin to get along again. Call me on 951-905-3181 or email me here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. I also offer individual counseling or therapy online throughout California.