Boundaries without the guilt: How to say ‘No’ and still feel like the superwoman that you are

Embracing Your Inner Superwoman: The Power of Saying ‘No’ in Personal Relationships

Let’s face it, without you, your household will end up in chaos. You don’t enjoy it being this way, but that’s where you are currently. The goal is to get to a point in which you still maintain your sensitivity, warmth and softness, but you no longer shoulder everyrone’s burdens on your back. I have to be honest, I don’t personally love the title of ‘Superwoman,’ but I do have to admit that you are definitely playing that role right now.

You are the nucleus of your family- both your immediate and extended family. Without you, it appears that everything will fall apart. While that sounds great in theory, in practice, it means you get no days off. It means you rarely get time to yourself. It also means that the people around you do not attempt to do certain tasks, because it is assumed that you’ve got this.

The outcome?

You end up burned out, frustrated and resentful. Not a good place to be.

But then you begin to know your boundaries and set those boundaries with your friends and loved ones, you start to reclaim some of your time. You start to tell them what you will be willing to do and what you are no longer willing to do. They begin to see you as human- not Superwoman. They start to think about your needs, your wants, your bandwidth and your time. They start to check up on you the way you have checked up on them for years. This can greatly strengthen your relationships.

Overcoming Guilt: Why Saying ‘No’ Doesn’t Mean You’re Letting Others Down

The most difficult part of setting boundaries is the guilt that comes with it. When you first learn to say ‘No,’ you will most likely get push back from the people around you. They might think you are mean, they might think you no longer care about them, they might wonder why you have chosen not to help them, even though they know you are capable.

And this will scare you, sadden you, surprise you. Because you know you are only setting boundaries to maintain your own mental and physical health. So there has to be a mindset shift that comes with boundary setting. Every time you try to set a boundary, give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself that you might receive backlash. But also remind yourself that you are doing this to set yourself free from a life of resentment, burnout and complete exhaustion.

You might also think that setting boundaries is selfish. Because you have spent majority of your life catering to people who are perfectly capable of helping themselves. The more you have done that, the more they have thrived and the more exhausted you have felt. After a while, people begin to think that it is your job to take care of them. They stop thanking you for your help and they start assuming that it is now your duty. Remind yourself of this. If you don’t get good at boundary setting, where will you be? Write it out.

Boundary setting is a strength- not a form of selfishness. Selfishness means you never think of others. Strength means that you are able to do something, but you hold back so that the other person can learn how to take care of themselves and how to think about your needs too.

The Art of Saying ‘No’ with Confidence: Tips from a Trauma Therapist in Houston

When you are trying to set a boundary, it is important to exude confidence and to be very clear. I often say that I specialize in helping people set clear, kind boundaries. Because boundaries and assertiveness doesn’t equal meanness. Sometimes you try to set a boundary, but your words are so unclear that the person has no clue what you’re talking about. And for people who are manipulative, if they notice that you appear uncomfortable about your boundaries, they will steam roll you.

Sad, but true.

Here are some simple boundary setting steps:

1)) The first step in boundary setting is believing in the boundary. Know why you are setting the boundary in the first place. What is your goal? Is it to gain freedom from the expectations of others? Is it to finally have time to yourself? Is it to stop the phone from ringing so much? Know why you are setting the boundary.

2) The next step is to allow guilt to come. When you have taken care of people for so long, you almost feel obligated to continue to do so- even though you are tired. Expect that you will feel guilty when you set the boundary. However do not let the guilt completely take over. Notice the guilt, let it sit there, but still set the boundary anyway. The more you get used to setting boundaries, the sooner the guilt will shrink.

3) Next comes the practice. Practice what you are going to say. The goal of clear communication is this:

If a stranger were to walk in on your boundary setting conversation, will they be able to understand exactly what you meant? Or could they draw another conclusion from your statement?

Here is a simple framework to use. Please remember to keep your statements short and straight to the point. There is no need to beat about the bush or over explain why you have chosen a certain set of boundaries. Use this simple framework that was developed by Dr. and Dr. Gottman.

I feel [include emotion], about [say the situation]. Here is what I need [include needs here].

For example: “I feel frustrated about having to wake you up every day. What I need is for you to set an alarm every morning.

Notice I didn’t over explain. I kept it straight to the point. When you try to over explain yourself, people tend to try to poke holes in your explanation and talk you out to it. So Just keep it short and sweet.

Building Healthy Relationships: How Boundaries Lead to Stronger Connections

Boundary setting is also a great way to know whether or not the people around you are safe. Safe people generally respect the boundaries of others. Safe people also want to see you grow and thrive. When they upset you or cause you some sort of discomfort, they are quick to apologize. They also don’t take advantage of you. Even though they might know that boundary setting feels uncomfortable for you, they will take a step back and honor your wishes.

And when you realize that your friends are safe, it brings you so much closer together. It fosters an environment of respect and understanding. Saying ‘No’ helps the people around know your likes and dislikes. It also helps you better understand what you do and do not want to do. It enhances personal relationships because you can move beyond being superficial and get to your deeper feelings and needs.

Finding Freedom in ‘No’: A Journey with a Black Therapist in Houston

Learn how therapy can support you in establishing and maintaining boundaries that empower you in all areas of your life.

If boundary setting sounds like something completely terrifying, it’s okay. You can breathe. A knowledgable therapist in Houston (AKA me!) can help you work through how to gently establish and maintain boundaries in your life. Boundary setting can help empower you, remove a lot of the stress that comes from constantly putting your needs on the back burner. You will learn how to stand up for yourself, what your actual needs are, how to communicate them in a way that does not seem totally awful, and how to manage the big guilt that shows up when you do the brave thing and set boundaries.

The great thing about boundary setting is that it doesn’t have to be limited to just your personal relationships. You can learn how to set boundaries with strangers, at work, as well as even boundaries with yourself. The work can be hard at first, but once you get the hang of it, you can walk in freedom.

Ready to Reclaim Your Power? Connect with a Trauma Therapist in Houston Today!

Don’t let guilt hold you back any longer. Contact me to learn how to set loving boundaries and embrace your superwoman human self with the guidance of a skilled Black therapist in Houston! Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call and see if boundary setting therapy in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

4 common triggers for high sensitivity and how to manage them

Overwhelm is something you are all too familiar with. Your thoughts race constantly, you struggle to make seemingly easy decisions, or you find yourself regularly bursting into tears. It’s quite possible you are being triggered by one of these 4 things. Never fear, I’ve also included some ways to manage these triggers.

Remember that high sensitivity is not a disorder. It’s simply a part of who you are, and you can thrive once you understand it.

Not sure whether or not you are highly sensitive? Click here.

Here are 4 common triggers for highly sensitive people

1) Moving too fast

We live in a world in which things are moving faster and faster all the time. People are multitasking constantly- we even boast about getting 4 hours of sleep while juggling 3 businesses, 9 kids and a husband. As a highly sensitive woman, you might feel less than because you might not have the bandwidth to sustain such a lifestyle.

A life that moves at the speed of light can be a big trigger for highly sensitive people. Does that mean you can never become an ER physician or some other career that entails moving fast? Nope. It just means that you have to put systems in place that allow to care for yourself while in busy seasons.

This is where schedules and routines come in handy. Before rushing out in the morning, take a few minutes to get ready for the hectic day. Your cup has to be filled so that it doesn’t completely empty out.

That can look like:

• Having a good breakfast (hunger is a BIG trigger for us HSPs)

• Ensuring you get enough sleep at night

• Starting the day off slowly in prayer or Bible study (rather than with the TV, news or emails)

• Talking on the phone with an encouraging friend

• Prioritizing certain tasks, rather than trying to juggle too many things at once

• Learning to set good boundaries and say “No” when you are at capacity

2) Not enough alone time

Did you know that most highly sensitive people are introverts? Yup! But even if you are a highly sensitive extrovert, alone time is priceless. This is because of how highly sensitive people spend so much time deeply processing the world around them.

By the end of the day, it becomes so much that reducing stimulation is a great way to recharge.

What can that look like?

• Taking a few minutes to sit in the car to breathe and reset before facing the many people who depend on you at home.

• Have a ‘me time’ routine- which could look like whatever feels good to you- watching TV, reading, sewing, working out, sitting in silence (my favorite), etc. You make the rules. Try different things and see what works for you.

3) Hanging out with the wrong people

I am convinced that every highly sensitive person needs at least one healthy highly sensitive friend in their life. This does not mean that highly sensitive people are superior to non-highly sensitive people, it just means that it is sometimes nice to not have to explain yourself to others.

And it does not mean that all highly sensitive people are the same- we could still have disagreements, as not every highly sensitive person is necessarily empathetic or kind.

But when you constantly hang out with people who question your sensitivity, who speak unkindly to you, who make you feel small, or who dismiss your feelings, you will be triggered all day long.

So what do you do about this?

• Take stock of the relationships you currently have.

  Do they serve you well or is it just a one-way street? Do you feel happier when you are around your closest friends? Or do you have to pretend to be someone you are not? Remember that you have a voice and choice.

• Do a friendship edit.

  Once you have taken stock of the people around you, decide which ones are healthy, and which ones are not. You definitely will know people who are unhealthy, because they are the ones whose phone calls you dread taking. They also the ones you can be authentic with. Decide what you want to do with those relationships, do you want to continue to suffer, or are you able to speak to that person about how they hurt you? A safe friend listens and adjusts accordingly.

4) Ignoring your physical needs

Highly sensitive people tend to be more triggered by sickness, hunger and tiredness than their non sensitive colleagues. In a bid to want to ‘push through’ and ‘hustle,’ sometimes we ignore actual physical needs.

The fix?

• Stop skipping meals- even if everyone seems to do so.

• Take breaks when possible- again, even if others think you are ‘lazy’ or ‘low energy.’

• Take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. It’s okay to seek medical attention and NOT push through.

And there you have it.

Ready to ditch the constant overwhelm, finally learn how to stand up for yourself and finally make high sensitivity your super power? Click here to schedule a consultation call.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I am a licensed therapist and coach in Houston.

I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to assertively set healthy boundaries in marriage and other relationships

The word ‘Boundaries’ is a popular buzz word. But do you really know what it means? Simply put, a boundary is something that tells people how to treat you. Think of it like a fence protecting your house. Somewhere in the middle of the fence is a gate. You decide when to open the gate, who to open the gate to, and when to close the gate.

Many highly sensitive people have been told that they are “Too much.” And because of this, they try to please people by not setting firm boundaries. Then there comes a feeling of shame after not setting a firm enough boundary.

It is important to note that you are in control of your own boundaries. You decide what is good for you, what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable. And it is your responsibility to communicate that to others. Boundaries are a practice. The more you practice it, the better you get at it.

Understand where your comfort zone lies

Before you are able to set boundaries, you must first know where your comfort zone is. A boundary is there to protect you and to help others understand how to treat you. The biggest struggle I hear about boundary setting is not wanting to hurt other people’s feeling. Before focusing on others, first check in with yourself and ask these questions:

• What do I actually want?

• How do I feel about the situation?

• What outcome do I want?

Decide what to say

Once you have decided what you want from the situation, it’s time to practice what to say. Practice makes things better because as a HSP, you might not feel comfortable expressing yourself without prior practice. Here is a simple framework to help you ask for what you want:

• State your feelings: “I feel [hurt, sad, angry, disappointed, ignored, disrespected].”

• State why you feel that way: “Because you were staring at your phone when I was speaking to you.”

• State your need: “What I need is for you to make eye contact with me when we are talking about serious issues.”

Keep Practicing

The more you practice boundaries, the better you get at it. If you falter a few times, it’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll get better with time.

If you are a highly sensitive woman who wants to learn how to manage big emotions, stand up for yourself and stop people pleasing, click here to schedule a free breakthrough call so you can learn how to make sensitivity your super power. Let’s see if you can benefit from a high sensitivity coach.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I teach highly sensitive women how to stand up for themselves, set clear, kind boundaries and create solid relationships.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

What exactly is High Sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 4)

In my previous 3 blog posts, I have been sharing about the 4 characteristics of high sensitivity and simple ways to manage them. If you want to find out whether or not you are highly sensitive, take Dr Elaine Aron’s self test here.

In my 3 previous blog posts, I talked about;

Depth of Processing (Click here to read about it)

Overarousability (Click here to read about it)

Emotional Intensity (Click here to read about it)

And in this blog post, I’ll tackle Sensory Processing Sensitivity, which is the 4th characteristic of high sensitivity.

What exactly is sensory processing sensitivity?

Have you ever felt the itchy tag at the back of your shirt that drives you nuts? Or the seam in your socks that no one seems to notice? Or do you tend to feel cold when everyone else is fine? Maybe you have always had sensitive skin, or you pick up slight noises easily?

That’s sensory processing sensitivity. Your actual senses seem to be on overdrive.

People around you might not understand how you notice things like this. Maybe all the stimuli around you actually gives you a tummy ache or a headache. Or you seem to be bothered by certain fabrics, your foods touching, your hair being brushed, or shoes not fitting correctly. This could make you feel like something is wrong with you.

It is important to state here that you should probably first go to the physician to ensure that nothing is actually wrong, as we do not want to brush everything off as high sensitivity. Sometimes people actually do have allergies or actual physical disorders. So get that checked out first.

But if all of that pans out and you find out that you are actually highly sensitive, here are some things you might do about it:

How to cope with sensory processing sensitivity

One of the best ways to cope with sensory processing sensitivity is to set your home and work environment up for success. Think about taking care of your five senses.

1. Smell

   Ensure your home, car, closet and work environments are aired out regularly if possible. That eliminates stale smells that could cause you to gag or feel uncomfortable. If you have specific scents that you like, consider getting some type of air freshener, candles or essential oils to create relaxing or refreshing smells all around you. You could even include fresh flowers or plants to help oxygenate the indoor air.

2. Sight

   Clutter is the enemy of every highly sensitive person. Even if you are the most disorganized person on the earth, it will still drive you nuts. Come up with a very simple tidy up routine that you can do every night. I personally find it easier to tidy up as I go. If you struggle with being disorganized, this book will really help you thrive.

   Minimalist decor also presents you with less clutter for you to look at or stimuli for you to notice.

3. Sound

   When searching for an apartment or a home, if you can avoid it, avoid living on a busy intersection. The sound of traffic will most likely bother you. You might also try sleeping with a white noise machine or the sounds of nature to drown out environmental noises. Think about the sound of the appliances in your home. Things like televisions, radios, music or other appliances should be put into consideration. Having too many noises on at the same time can be overstimulating. For example, if your TV, computer and phone are going at the same time, it could become an issue for you.

4. Touch

   Include soft and comfortable textures in your home or office decor. Buy furniture that feels warm and cozy in the winter, and cool in the summertime.

   Although leather furniture tends to look appealing to the eye, it is often hot to sit on in the summer and pretty cold in the winter. Leather also tends to stick to the skin when you sweat.

   Only buy clothes that feel comfortable. Although we all want to wear the latest fashions, you will feel miserable if your fabric feels itchy and non-breathable. Include items cozy socks, and warm breathable bedding and pajamas in your home.

   Also be aware of the temperature you set your thermostat to- nothing too hot or too cold. Cool will feel the best.

5. Taste

   Some highly sensitive people cannot handle certain foods due to their smell, texture or taste. Do not force yourself to eat these foods- even if they are a cultural norm. Get used to setting boundaries and letting people know your food preferences.

   If you are a highly sensitive woman who is ready to turn sensitivity into your superpower, manage BIG emotions, set clear boundaries and stop people pleasing, click here to schedule your free 20-min breakthrough call so we can work together.

What exactly is high sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 3)

For the past few weeks, I have been diving into exactly what high sensitivity is. If you want a complete definition of what high sensitivity is, click here for the first part of this blog. And if you are wondering whether or not you are highly sensitive, click here to take Dr Elaine Aron’s high sensitivity self test.

In my previous blog I mentioned that there are four parts to high sensitivity:

Depth of processing (To learn more about depth of processing click here)

Overarousability (To learn more about depth of processing click here)

Emotional Intensity

Sensory processing sensitivity

Today, I'll be focusing on emotional intensity.

Emotional intensity simply means that highly sensitive people tend to experience emotions on a much deeper level than non-sensitive people. So for example when they're happy, you might see them with a big smile on their face, acting silly or giggling a lot. When they're sad it seems like their sadness is a lot deeper than usual, or if they are upset you might see them cry. This is often puzzling to people who are non-sensitive. It is important to note that emotional sensitivity is not necessarily a bad thing.

This is one of the top struggles I see in my practice as an anxiety therapist in Houston and as a high sensitivity coach. Most highly sensitive people are embarrassed because they tend to cry a lot. People with high sensitivity often complain that they cry when they're angry, sad, upset, frustrated, or even tired. And this often elicits negative comments from the non sensitive people around them such as “Why are you such a cry baby?” Or “Why do you always have to cry?,” or “You cry too much.” This then causes the sensitive person to believe that they are “Dramatic” or “Too soft.”

How to manage emotional intensity

1. Turn to the arts

   Highly sensitive people often do well when they have an outlet for their emotions. If you do not have supportive people around you who can listen to your struggles, or help you process your emotions, you can try processing your emotions through arts, downs, music, writing or some sort of creative outlet.

2. Become your own cheerleader

   Chances are you were called dramatic or you felt like your emotions were not welcome when you were growing up, so as an adult it might be helpful to become your own cheerleader.

   Whenever you have an experience of a big emotion, you can let yourself know that it is actually OK to have those deep emotions. Remember that every single person on earth experiences emotions. The difference between you and them is that you just experience them on a much bigger scale and you express them a bit differently.

3. Learn more about emotions

   I know that this might sound counterintuitive. On the one hand, you feel like you have way too many emotions, but on the other hand, you might not know too much about emotions because most of your life, your emotions were made fun of, shamed, or pushed away.

   One of my favorite tools for recognizing emotions is called the feelings wheel. It is a colorful wheel that has a list of many different emotions that range in depth and intensity.

   When you feel some sort of emotion going on inside you, take a look at the feelings wheel and try to pinpoint what emotion it is that you are feeling. This not only empowers you, but it puts a name to the feeling, thereby reducing your feeling of shame or confusion.

   And there we go. The third characteristic of high sensitivity is done. If you are a highly sensitive woman looking to turn sensitivity into your superpower, manage BIG emotions and finally stop people pleasing, click here to schedule your free 20-min breakthrough session to see how we can work together.

What exactly is High Sensitivity? And how to cope with it (Part 2)

In my previous blog post, I discussed what high sensitivity actually is. I'll be breaking down the four characteristics of high sensitivity over the next few weeks.

Read the previous blog post here where I describe what high sensitivity is and I delve into depth of processing (the first characteristic of high sensitivity).

In this blog series, I’ll be sharing the 4 characteristics of high sensitivity, which are:

Depth of Processing (Read more about it here)

Overarousability

Emotional Intensity

Sensory Processing Sensitivity

I already went over depth of processing in my previous blog post. Depth of processing basically means thinking very deeply before making decisions. Some people might call it over analyzing.

In this post, I'll be talking about the second characteristic of high sensitivity which is over arousability.

To be over aroused simply means that your nervous system picks up stimuli more easily than others, thereby causing you to feel overwhelmed in a way. So the bright lights in the corner of the room might not affect anybody else, but you feel like they are piercing through your eyes.

As an anxiety therapist in Houston and a high sensitivity coach, this is often a complaint I get. HSPs often think something must be wrong with them- because they notice things no one else does.

The smell that is ever so slight, feels so pungent to you, but other people barely notice it. It is also possible to be under aroused when you're not picking up enough stimuli. When this happens, you tend to get bored. The struggle is sometimes people do the wrong things when they are under aroused such as drinking coffee or other stimulants, or turning the TV up too loud.

What you want is an optimal level of arousal.

Over arousal might even mean that you pick up stimuli like pain a lot easier than others- which means your pain tolerance might be lower than others’. This should be very important to discuss with your physician so that they can come up with a great treatment plan for you.

Highly sensitive people can also be easily aroused by stimuli inside their bodies, such as hunger, thirst, and tiredness. This is why it is important to eat at the appropriate times and take care of your physical body, so that it doesn't negatively affect your mood. It might be the reason why you act like a grouch when you are hungry, and other people tend to be able to stay longer periods of time without food. Do not compare yourself to other people. You are a unique human and that's just OK.

Highly sensitive people have different levels of arousal, so this means one highly sensitive person might notice all the smells, and another person might not even pick up on them at all. Or one highly sensitive person might have very sensitive hearing, while the other does not.

So how does one manage over arousability?

1. Take a break.

   If you find yourself in a crowded room, where they are too many people around you, the volume is high, everybody is sweating, and there are lots of perfumes in the room, rather than powering through it- which is what most highly sensitive people tend to do- just take a break.

   You can head over to the bathroom to breathe for a few minutes, go outside for some fresh air, or you can sit and take a look at your phone to just give you a distraction in the moment. You also do not have to stay at events for very long. Normalize popping in and popping out.

2. Utilize mindfulness skills.

   Mindfulness simply means being present in the moment and focusing on one external sensation or internal sensation to allow your body to be calm. So while you're in that very loud, uncomfortable room, start to slow your breathing down.

   Take a few deep breaths in and a few deep breaths out, and focus on the breath. If taking a deep breath is difficult for you, then just notice your breath as it is. Notice air fill your lungs and move out of it. Doing this one simple action gets your brain off the external overstimulation that you're experiencing. Click here to watch some of my mindfulness videos.

3. Spend some time in nature.

   Highly sensitive people tend to LOVE nature. We tend to enjoy the trees, the sound of chirping birds, the feeling of the breeze on our skin, looking around and just enjoying the calm.

   You do not have to wait until you are overstimulated to enjoy nature. If you live in a beautiful, serene environment, make nature walks a part of your schedule. Even something as little as sitting near a window can help. If you don’t live in a serene environment and you don’t have windows, pull up a video online and imagine yourself walking through a peaceful neighborhood.

4. Change your environment.

   If you find yourself completely over aroused by the same people or situations over and over again, then maybe it is time to go somewhere else. If you are around the same over arousing friend who seems to not respect your boundaries- even after you have set the boundaries 1 million times- then maybe it's time to change that.

   Or if you live in an especially loud part of town, and you have the ability to move to a quieter apartment, or home, take advantage of that. Your job is not to be a martyr. You are allowed to be happy.

5. If you have some level of control over the situation, then change the situation.

   For example if you're sitting in your home and you just notice that overwhelming feeling of anxiety, turn down the simulation. You can do this by thinking about your five senses.

   You can reduce the sound of the TV or turn it off, you can adjust the temperature on the thermostat, you can turn off any irritating smells or put on a calming smell.

   You can also visualize something pretty. This is why it is important to surround yourself and your home or working environment with pretty things. They do not have to be expensive. They just have to be pretty to you.

6. Shock your nervous system.

   And if you want to completely shock your nervous system, a quick trick is to splash little bit of cold water on your face or at the back of your neck. You can also drink a nice glass of cold water, or go outside into the cold for a few seconds. This will shock your nervous system and get it to reset.

7. Utilize positive self talk.

   Positive self talk is a simple way to help you feel safe. Think about it as being your own encourager or cheerleader. It is important to remind yourself that you are actually safe. This prevents your mind from racing, will hopefully slow down your heart rate and prevent you from moving into fear, anxiety or sheer panic.

If you are truly ready to learn more about how to turn your high sensitivity into your superpower, how to manage big emotions, stop people pleasing and stand up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 20 minute breakthrough call so that we can work together.