Communicating with Care: A Guide for Black Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Why Effective Communication Matters in Christian Marriages

Every good marriage is rooted in vulnerability and deep connection. Without vulnerability, there really is no true path to a deep connection. When there is strong, open and assertive communication, it fosters even more intimacy, it builds trust and creates unity in your marriage. Great communication in Christian marriages does not mean that you will never disagree or have bad times. It just means that you will be able to talk it out, work together and get through challenges together as a unit.

Sometimes as a highly sensitive woman, you may perceive emotional nuances from your partner as something different from what they actually mean. Although you are great at reading body language and feeling the emotions of others strongly, it is still important to communicate with your partner about your interpretation of his body language and emotions. Here is an additional blog post on handling conflict gracefully in marriage.

For example, you might walk into the room and notice that your partner has a big frown on his face. He doesn’t notice you walking into the room. You think to yourself, “He must be mad at me.” If you react based on what you think, it might cause a huge misunderstanding. However, if you simply ask him “Is everything alright?” Then he might let you know “I’m not upset at all. I’m just watching this really intriguing documentary. I didn’t realize I was frowning.”

See? Crisis averted. A little communication and clarification goes a long way.

Understanding High Sensitivity in Relationships: What You Need to Know

According to Dr Elaine Aron (an expert and researcher of high sensitivity), high sensitivity can be explained in four parts.

Depth of processing: You take in information from around you and process it deeply. For example, you might think ten steps ahead of others or it might take you a while to make a decision because you think through as many possibilities as you can.

Overstimulation: You can feel a lot of stress in high pressure situations and because your mind processes so deeply, it generally can be overwhelming for you.

Empathy: You have a deep sense of empathy for others and might even feel as if you can feel the emotions of others.

Sensory sensitivity: You can be easily overhwlemend by external stimuli such as textures, lights, sounds and even tastes.

Please note that high sensitivity does not equal fragility or softness. And it is not a disorder. It is simply just the way you are wired. High sensitivity could impact your emotional responses because you might get more tired or overwhelmed than your spouse in certain situations. And the things that impact you might not necessarily impact him. If both you and him do not have a clear understanding of high sensitivity, small things can cause arguments. You might feel upset because the lights ar too bright for you, but your husband barely even notices. Or the music feels too piercing, but it’s just right for your husband. Good communication helps this.

It is important to be able to express your needs clearly to your spouse and also to be able to accommodate his needs. Remember that he is not a mind reader. He cannot guess what works for you. If you need alone time, then say that. It you are overstimulated, let him know. It’s also important to note that hunger, tiredness and sickness really do affect your reactions. So do not have difficult conversations when you are hungry, sick or tired. Wait till you feel good.

Sometimes you might be viewed by your spouse as ‘Overreacting’ when you try to address your feelings. It is important to continue to express yourself despite this. And sometimes you might be tempted to people please, brush things under the rug or suppress your feelings. Know that your feelings matter too.

Conflict Resolution Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Marriage

When you are in a disagreement with your spouse, if things get too overwhelming for you or the conversation is at an impasse, ask for a time out. Go to a different room and do something distracting or relaxing to take your mind off things. You can journal, take deep breaths, take a nap if you can, or just do something random like house chores. Spend at least 30 minutes cooling down.

When you return to your spouse after at least 30 minutes, take turns listening to each other. Both of you need to be empathetic. The goal is to understand each other-not to convince each other. Ask him follow up questions to ensure that you truly understand his point of view. Then have him do the same for you. Get to know his feelings and why he feels the way he does. And vice versa.

After you both understand each other and feel heard, then you can apologize if need be, take responsibility, then brainstorm possible solutions together. Ask each other what you could each do differently if the situation were to arise in the future. Then each of you pick an action plan for the future.

How to Express Your Needs as a Highly Sensitive Woman Without Guilt

Expressing your emotional and physical needs is so important in a relationship, because it is a way to help you feel validated, safe and loved. Without this, you might end up feeling hurt and resentful. As a highly sensitive person, you might have felt invalidated or had your needs dismissed for most of your life. So you’ve learned how to pretend like your emotions are not real. This is a pattern that must break in your marriage.

A good way to frame your needs in your marriage is by using this easy template;

I am feeling [insert feeling word], because of [use ‘I’ statement to talk about the situation]. What I need is [include specific need. Make this an action item for your spouse].

For example, “I feel tired because I have been working under bright lights all day. What I need is a bit of alone time to recharge.”

See? Easy.

Ask for what you need, because your husband cannot read your mind.

Balancing Listening and Speaking for Healthier Conversations

Listening is probably the most important part of communication. Because when you listen actively, you are better able to understand the other person’s point of view. Good listeners are able to ask great clarifying questions, understand the emotions of their spouses better and just generally avoid confusion and miscommunication. Good listening is also a great way to help your spouse feel important.

When emotions are running high, take a deep breath, but focus on understanding your partner’s point of view. I know this might sound unfair, but your spouse will eventually start to bounce off you and become a better listener too.

The easiest way to balance speaking and listening when having difficult conversations, is the speaker/listener format that I referenced in the previous heading. You can even take notes if you need to. Yes. I’m serious! After you’ve heard what your spouse has to say, report back to him what you heard him say. Then it’s his turn to correct you or affirm that what you heard was accurate.

Once you’re done, he has to do the same for you. This fosters an environment of love and respect.

Are you a Black woman navigating the challenges of communication in marriage? Explore Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who specializes in helping highly sensitive women like you find balance and connection.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Breaking the Silence: Expressing Needs as a Highly Sensitive Woman in Marriage

The Silent Struggle: Why Not Speaking Up Can Harm Your Marriage

One big struggle that you might face as a highly sensitive woman is not being able to fully express your thoughts and/or needs to your spouse. Perhaps it’s because your needs have gone unmet in the past. Or maybe you have expressed yourself, but you don’t feel heard. Or perhaps you’re just so overwhelmed with emotions that you don’t know how to express yourself appropriately.

Overtime, if you keep stuffing your emotions or not expressing yourself as you wish to, it could eventually lead to emotional distance between you and your spouse, pent up resentment (because your spouse’s needs are getting met while yours aren’t) and tons of misunderstandings in your marriage. Sometimes your spouse actually wants to help you meet your needs, but they can’t read your mind. But because you’re not saying anything, your needs go down the toilet.

Silence can be a big issue for a highly sensitive woman like you, because you end up just stewing in your own thoughts. You assume the worst of the situation- which is where the resentment and anger build up can come in. And once resentment comes in, it’s really hard to soften things up from there (but it’s not impossible).

Recognizing the Signs You’re Suppressing Your Needs

So how exactly do you know when you’ve been running around your marriage with unexpressed needs? One sign is when you start feeling disconnected from your spouse. You just feel in your heart like something is missing. You stare at their face daily and just have a tinge of sadness because something is missing for you. This can quickly grow into anger and frustration.

Another sign that your needs are suppressed is that you just feel completely overwhelmed. It’s like your love tank is on empty. Everything around you begins to look like such a chore. You are physically and emotionally drained and it definitely doesn’t feel good. For example, your husband calls you on his way back from work and asks you to make a delicious dinner that he loves. And even though normally, you’d love to do it, but because you are so overwhelmed, you end up yelling at him. He’s confused and has no clue why you just yelled at him. Or maybe you don’t yell. You say “Yes dear!” But as you stir the meal in the pot, you feel your heart pounding with anger or frustration.

And other times, you just feel emotionally burned out. It feels like you have been pouring into everyone and their mama, and you get no love in return. It’s not that you don’t like serving others, it’s just that you also need to be served and poured into. So you find yourself suddenly breaking into tears because something small happened. It’s because all your emotions are piled up on the inside and you need to be heard. If you struggle to manage conflicts gracefully in your marriage, here’s a good blog post for you to read.

Overcoming the Fear of Vulnerability in Your Christian Marriage

If you have grown up in an environment in which your needs have gone unmet, it can make it very difficult to speak up about your needs. You fear that you might be rejected or judged simply for expressing your needs. But if you have married a spouse who truly does love you, keep this at the forefront of your mind. You deserve to be heard, for if you’re not heard, it means your spouse will never know how to meet what you need. And a loving spouse does want to meet your needs.

The more you practice speaking up, the easier it gets over time. For each time you speak up and get your needs met, it gives you the boldness you need to keep it going. Remember that vulnerability is strength. You can be a highly sensitive woman who puts on her big girl brave pants and asks for what she needs. The only path to true emotional intimacy is by being vulnerable. When you are vulnerable, it means that you have successfully taken down your walls and your spouse can see the real you. When he can see the real you, he can connect with the real you-hence the intimacy piece. Because you don’t want to be married to someone whom you are only connected to in a shallow way.

Practical Steps for Confidently Sharing Your Feelings

So now that we know how to spot signs that your needs have been unmet, as well as how to overcome the fear of vulnerability, it’s time to actually ask for what you need. Ensure that you focus on yourself. “I” statements are your friend. This is not the time to scream, point fingers, use put downs or get aggressive with your spouse. I believe that no matter how tired you are, if you are married to a rational man who loves you and wants your best, it’s possible to get over the hump of feeling ignored and invalidated.

Before you speak up, it’s important to set the tone. In the spirit of vulnerability, let your spouse know that you want to ask fo something that’s important to know. Let it be known that it’s been on your mind for a while and it’s important to you if he listened and acquiesced. Pick the right place and time. Don’t try to get your needs met when you’re exhausted, when it’s too late at night or when your spouse isn’t paying attention. Let’s set you up for success.

My simple formula goes like this (Actually this is taken from The Gottman Couple’s Therapy Method):

“I feel [insert feeling word], about [insert situation], here’s what I need [insert need].“

So here’s an example of using the above formula: “I feel overwhelmed by all the work I have to do, What I need is to be able to outsource my tasks and for you and I to schedule a relaxing date night.” Then you can proceed to create a plan for outsourcing and date night.

See? Easy peasy. Spend some time practicing this on your own before you actually speak up. It’ll help boost your confidence.

The Benefits of Christian Marriage Counseling for Highly Sensitive Women

Christian Marriage Counseling can provide a safe space to learn how to practice assertive communication skills. You’ll learn how to express your emotions in a way that your spouse can understand. And it will feel good for you too. You’ll be able to process those pent up emotions, learn how to express yourself clearly and deeply connect with your spouse. That way we can get rid of the overwhelm and resentment, and help you take some steps closer to your spouse. Once we’ve done this, you’ll naturally build your friendship and intimacy with your spouse.

My job as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston is to help you stay rooted in your values. While I do not indoctrinate you or tell you what to believe, I am your guide. My job is to help you create a culture in your household where both you and your spouse feel closer, your needs both get met and you’re able to peacefully resolve conflicts that might come your way. Sounds great right?

If you’re struggling to express your needs, it’s time for change. Connect with me- a Black therapist in Houston who specializes in Christian marriage counseling in Houston to help you find your voice. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Handling Conflict Gracefully: Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Why Conflict is a Natural and Healthy Part of Marriage

Let's talk about conflict. Most people marry someone who is quite different from them. It makes sense. No one is attracted to a clone of themselves. We usually will pick someone who possesses qualities that we lack. So if we’re shy and quiet, we might be attracted to someone who is extroverted and the life of the party. Because they have that spark that we might be lacking. And that same partner might be attracted to you because they enjoy how calm, level headed and grounded you are.

Now problems happen when your extroverted, rambunctious, life of the party spouse, wants you to hang out with the friend group every day after work. Or when your shy, homebody spouse wants to cuddle up in a blanket and watch Netflix every day after work. You see, there’s nothing wrong with the above wants and needs. Conflict only happens when we are unable to understand the other person’s needs and therefore unable to come to a compromise.

If conflict is managed well, it will actually strengthen your motional bond with your spouse and give you some great opportunities to truly understand his point of view. When you understand your spouse’s point of view, validate their feelings, seek to get more understanding, then make adjustments that work for the both of you, it is such an amazing opportunity to grow together and form an even deeper connection in your marriage. In other words, all conflict isn’t bad. This is something so important I teach during Christian marriage counseling in Houston.

How to Stay Calm During Arguments When You're Highly Sensitive

During an emotionally charged argument, you might find yourself crying, yelling at the top of your lungs, or generally shutting down and unable to speak. You see, all conflicts do not have to get to this point. Remember that sometimes, conflict is the only way through. When there is a big issue that is threatening to separate or damage your relationship with your spouse, ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it might drive a much larger rift between the both of you.

When you are in the heat of the moment, take a few deep breaths. Doing this can help send a signal to your brain that you are not in crisis. A conflict is not necessarily a crisis. It’s just a way to get to the point of deeper understanding with one another. So here are some techniques to keep you calm when you’re in an argument.

1. Deep breathing. Put your palm on your belly so that you can notice the flow of air. When you take a deep breath in, the air in your belly should push your palm out. Imagine nice, calming air flowing into your lungs. Hold this for 4 seconds. Then gently and slowly push out all the air for 4 seconds. This should pull your palm in. Repeat this about 4 times. Taking deep breaths helps calm the body so that you don’t need to scream or act out in a way that you will regret later.

2. Grounding exercise. Grounding is simply a way to temporarily distract yourself from the ongoing conflict and connect your mind back with your body. There are many ways to ground yourself, but here is one simple way. While your spouse is talking, scan the room. In your head, name 5 things you can see (like “rug, pillow, couch, tv and shoes”). Then name 4 things you can hear (e.g “cars, the ac, my spouse’s voice, the tv”). Next, name 3 things you can smell (e.g. '‘lavender essential oil, the dog, food”). Next, name 2 things you can touch (e.g the couch, the socks on my feet). Lastly, name 1 thing you can taste (leftover dinner). It doesn’t matter how many you name and in what order, just as long as you take a few seconds to pull away from the ongoing conflict.

3. Reframing. Sometimes when you are involved in a conflict with your spouse, you tend to blame yourself for everything. And in these times it's important to reframe. Ask yourself if your thoughts are actually true. What is the evidence of this being true? And what is the evidence that this is false? It is very rare that conflict is solely caused by one person. Usually, both people have a small role to play. It is OK to take responsibility for your part in the conflict, but what is not OK is for you to consistently blame yourself for everything.

4. Time out. And when you feel like the argument is going nowhere or you have tried some of these tools to no avail, ask your spouse for a time out. All you need to say is “I am feeling very overwhelmed at this moment” or “I am feeling like I'm about to shut down” or “I am feeling like I'm about to explode. I don't want to do or say anything that would be disrespectful to you or myself, so let us please take a 30 minute time out and come back at 4 PM.” Once you say this, just get up and go to a different room. Respectful spouse will not follow you. Let them know that this is not you being disrespectful to them, but a timeout is actually you trying to cool off so that you can come back and have a logical conversation with him.

   Setting Boundaries in Marriage: A Guide for Highly Sensitive Women

   Before you even get into a conflict in your marriage, it is important to discuss how you will manage conflict. Put some rules on the table. Here are some examples:

   • No name calling

   • No cussing

   • No yelling

   • No gaslighting or manipulation of any type.

     You can have conflict and still be respectful with the other person. If one partner is feeling like someone has broken the rules, there should be space to be able to let the other partner know so that an apology will be made. It is important that there should be no defensiveness for healthy communication, whether it is best to take responsibility for what you have said what you have done.

   • Another good boundary to have is that while one person is speaking, the other person must listen, then reflect back what they have heard. The next step is to make sure that your partner has verified that what you reflected is actually what he/she said. You cannot move on until the conversation has been clarified.

     One of the biggest problems that couples make is that they jump to conclusions without actually fully understanding what their partner means.

     Having rules for fair fighting or rules for conflict actually creates deeper intimacy, and a stronger bond between couples. When you know that your spouse gives you the space to disagree with them, out your feelings and they actually care about your emotions, then you feel so much safer and you're more likely to open up to them. You both know that you are on the same team and that mutual respect is a big part of the relationship.

     Turning Conflict into Growth: Strategies for Christian Couples

   Conflict really happens when one or both people feel like their needs are not being met. So this is an opportunity for you to find out more about your spouse’s needs, their expectations in the relationship, as well as how your communication styles differ. So look at it as a learning process. Conflict is not a bad thing.

   When your spouse and you differ on something, pick the right time to discuss the issue. Literally schedule a meeting in which both of you are not tired, not sleepy, and not distracted. Do a speaker/listener format. This means that when one person is speaking, the other person should just be listening. When the speaker is done talking, the listener can reflect back What he or she heard. If the reflection did not sound accurate, then the spouse can read to read what he/she said. This does not have to be painful.

   During this time, you can also ask your spouse about how he feels. You can get to understand how your behavior in certain situations is triggering for him or vice versa. Conflict just gives you more information on behaviors to start, behaviors to stop or things to generally look out for. It does not have to be so difficult.

   After the conflict is over, it is now time to self reflect. What are some ways that you might be triggering your spouse? What are some ways that your spouse is triggering you? What are some things are going well in the relationship? And what are some things I need to change in the relationship?

   How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations

   As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, it's not my job to interpret scripture for you. My job is to give you specific communication tools and conflict resolution tools so that when conflict has happens, you feel like you are very well equipped to tackle it. The goal is to teach you and your spouse how to be on the same page with the conflict as the common enemy that you're fighting against. You will learn how to listen to each other deeply, you will learn how to apologize when things go wrong, you will learn how to reduce defensiveness, reduce shutting down and how to take a time out in appropriate way. We can do all of this by incorporating biblical principles, so you don't have to go outside your faith.

Ready to handle conflict more gracefully in your marriage? Learn strategies with Christian marriage counseling in Houston, where a Black therapist will help you build stronger communication and resolve issues with confidence. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that we can determine if Christian marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Long day? Here's how to vent to your spouse and get the support you need in marriage-Tips from a marriage therapist in Houston

One of the most important skills that couples have to master when we work together in my Houston marriage counseling practice, is how to vent to one another when they are going though stress. Being that stress is a part of life, it's important to know how to support each other. On the surface, it might just look like venting, but when you can effectively communicate your stress and frustration to your spouse, you receive support in return.

Support builds intimacy and closeness between you and your spouse.

What most couples say they do when I see them in marriage counseling in Houston is they come home from work, or they have a long day, they have all this pent up stress inside them, but they have no place to put it. They do this same dance over and over again until it creates emotional separation between them.

When you are frustrated and stressed, but do not accurately communicate that with your spouse, it ends up looking like you are rejecting your spouse. If you are worried about how to effectively communicate with your spouse when you are having a bad or stressful day, here are some easy steps for you:

1) Pick the right time

Timing is everything when it comes to communication. Ensure that neither you nor your spouse are feeling emotionally charged before you have this conversation. If you need to take a few moments to relax or unwind first, then do so.

2) Decide who will be the speaker and who will be the listener

This sounds awfully formal, but it’s a lot easier than it sounds. While there is room for both of you to talk about your stress, it is a lot easier if you take turns. This will ensure that each person gets the attention and support they need.

The speaker’s job is easy. All you have to do is speak to your spouse about the stress you are going through. That’s it. In this framework, the listener does all the hard work.

3) The listener needs to stick to these simple rules

Most married people think they are great listeners, but you know what? Most people suck at listening. After you learn this framework in my Houston marriage counseling practice, you’ll realize we all have room to grow.

Here are some simple rules when it comes to listening.

• Maintain eye contact and show interest. Ask questions to get more details about what your spouse is experiencing.

• Ensure your partner knows that you are on his side. Do not take the side of whomever he is complaining about. This might be challenging for you, but just bite your tongue.

• Remember that you are on the same team. This is not the time to correct or challenge your spouse.

• Be empathetic. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to imagine how he is feeling.

4) Reflect back what you are hearing

To be a good listener in marriage, it’s important that you first understand what you are hearing. An easy way to know if you have heard correctly, is to simply repeat what you’ve heard.

Yup. Repeat exactly what your spouse has said word for word.

If your spouse corrects you, take note and just repeat what you’ve heard again. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes.

5) Ask your spouse what he needs

Once you have gone through this entire process, ask your spouse if he needs your advice or if he just wants to vent. This is important because often times, we skip the empathy and jump right to advice. But sometimes, your spouse isn’t looking for your advice. He just wants a listening ear.

And there you have it. A simple formula to help you vent and reduce stress with your spouse.

Is communication strained in your marriage?As a marriage therapist in Houston, I can help you and your spouse develop healthier ways to support each other. Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How the five love languages can drastically improve your marriage with a marriage therapist in Houston

Marriage takes quite a bit of work. It is two people coming together to intentionally create a life that works well. A great marriage however, is simply the result of a lifetime of work. There is no luck involved. It is about unlearning old patterns that no longer work for you, and relearning new patterns that can move your marriage forward.

In my opinion, one of the most helpful tools I talk to my couples about during marriage counseling in Houston is the 5 love languages.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

If you’ve never heard of this before, let me give you a brief synopsis. The 5 love languages were created by Dr. Gary Chapman. He even wrote a bestselling book about it. A love language is simply the way people give and receive love. If you love your partner using a love language other than his/her own, his/her love tank will eventually feel empty, and there will be a disconnect. I say this all the time during my marriage counseling sessions in Houston. The goal is for you to learn your partner’s love language and love him according to that language often, and of course, vive versa.

The goal is not to treat your partner the way you want to be treated. The goal is to treat your partner the way he/she wants to be treated. Got it?

You’ll know your partner’s love language by watching the way they show their love. By the way, every human has a love language- that includes kids and adolescents too.

Dr. Chapman says that there are a total of 5 of these love languages.

1) Acts of Service

These are people who enjoy doing things for others. When they see or hear a need, they instantly jump in. Examples are husbands who want to pick up a gallon of milk on their way back from work, they fix things around the house to make you feel more comfortable, or they just want to serve others in some way. On the surface they appear to be busy bodies, but doing things for others truly does help them feel like are showing their love.

During our couples therapy sessions in Houston, I encourage clients to make the sacrifice to love their spouse the way they want to be loved.

If you have a spouse whose primary love language is acts of service, it’s important that you do things for them too, like serving them a meal from time to time, picking up something for them at the store, or doing a chore for them. Listen to the need, then fill in.

2) Physical touch

These are the people I call ‘lovers.’ They love cuddles, hand shakes, hugs, kisses and all things related to healthy bodily touch. They love to sit next to their spouses while putting their arms around them or with feet touching. Bodily warmth helps them feel loved. Please note that physical touch has nothing to do with sex. This is another thing I underscore in my couples counseling sessions in Houston.

If your spouse loves physical touch, remember it doesn't have anything to do with sex. A little tap on the shoulder, kiss on the cheek, lips, or forehead, hugs, cuddles or just sitting side by side will do the trick. Physical touch helps them feel safe and accepted.

3) Gifts

These are spouses who love to buy or make actual tangible gifts for people they love. They pick up all types of gifts for their spouses- both expensive and inexpensive. They love to watch the look on the other’s face when they hand them a gift.

If your spouse likes gifts, you don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts will do too. If you enjoy crafts, writing, or creating in some way, you can do special projects for them. Just give them something tangible to represent the way you feel about them.

4) Words of Affirmation

These are the ‘cheerleaders.’ They love to verbally tell you how proud they are of you and how much they love you.

If your spouse loves to give words of affirmation, repay them with the same type of kindness. Make sure it comes from your heart though- don’t patronize them. Send regular texts celebrating their achievements or simply talking about why you love them. Give them words of encouragement when they are going through a difficult time. Or just call them in the middle of the day to let them know you’re thinking about them.

5) Quality Time

As the name suggests, they like to spend time with their spouse. But quality time is so much more than just sitting in a room with someone. It’s really about eye contact, getting positive attention and feeling seen.

If your spouse loves quality time, carve out time when you can put your phone away and have a conversation with them. Eye contact is important. Have some laughs, listen intently to what they have to say and just engage together.

If you get really good at loving your spouse in the way they want to be loved, their love tank remains full and the marriage feels a lot easier. When you feel seen and loved by your spouse, communication gets easier, conflicts reduce and there is so much more harmony in the home.

If you are ready to learn your spouse’s love language, and create a marriage that feels easy and connected, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. You deserve a great marriage.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Can marriage counseling in Houston make your marriage worse?

Maybe your marriage has been going through some rocky times, but you’re not sure what to do about it. You and your spouse have had a few talks, but you don’t know if marriage counseling in Houston is the thing to do.

You’ve heard all types of things about marriage counseling, but you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just talk to a friend, my pastor or just pick up a book from Amazon?”

You don’t want anything that could possibly make your marriage worse.

Well let me lift the veil about marriage counseling.

First, it’s important to get clear on why you want to attend marriage counseling in houston

Do you want to go to couples counseling in Houston because you want clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce? Are you hoping that marriage counseling in Houston will save your ailing marriage? Or are you hoping that marriage counseling will finally fix your stubborn husband?

Marriage counseling or couples therapy in Houston can definitely give you clarity on whether or not you should get a divorce. Now, your marriage counselor probably won’t tell you what to do, but through the process of counseling, you might get deeper clarity into what you want about the future of your marriage.

Will couples therapy fix your stubborn husband? Don’t count on it. Well, unless your stubborn husband is ready to roll his sleeves and learn new ways of communicating, resolving conflict and engaging in your relationship.

The focus of marriage counseling should really be about teaching you new skills- NOT fixing the other person (Sorry!)

What if marriage counseling in houston makes things worse?

Okay let me tell you a little secret. Sometimes things get worse before they get better.

But wait, don’t close your screen.

Think about it this way. Most people wait at least 6 years after the beginning of their marriage troubles before even seeking marriage counseling. So by the time they get into the marriage counselor’s office, there are A LOT of bitter feelings, there’s very low marital satisfaction, everyone is at their wit’s end and the foundation of the marriage is pretty shaky.

It’s not that the marriage is getting worse after marriage counseling, it’s that all the unspoken stuff is finally being aired out. Wouldn’t you rather address all that stuff and finally come to a resolution?

My job as a marriage counselor is to help you begin to unpack all the stuff you’ve been holding in for 6 years. I’ll help you unlearn how to speak to each other, we’ll unearth the resentment that one or both of you might be feeling at this time, we’ll work on forgiveness (if that’s what you need), and you’ll learn how to manage conflict too.

We are basically rebuilding your marriage from the ground up. So your marriage will feel uneasy- like a construction zone for a while. But once the pieces are in place, things will feel smooth again.

What if your marriage ends in divorce even after couples counseling in houston?

Let me be clear about something. My job as a marriage counselor is NOT necessarily to fix your marriage. My job is to give you and your spouse clarity regarding the future of your marriage.

Sometimes the future of your marriage looks like a blissful marriage. Sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you want to take a break. And sometimes, one or both of you will decide that you do not want to continue with the marriage at all.

My job is to support you in whatever decision you make.

I hope this helps.

If you have been struggling with communicating with your partner and you’re not sure how to navigate it, click here for your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation call to see if marriage counseling in Houston, TX or in the Murrieta/ Temecula area is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali.

I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist also providing Christian marriage counseling in Houston and throughout California.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.