One of the most important skills that couples have to master when we work together in my Houston marriage counseling practice, is how to vent to one another when they are going though stress. Being that stress is a part of life, it's important to know how to support each other. On the surface, it might just look like venting, but when you can effectively communicate your stress and frustration to your spouse, you receive support in return.
Support builds intimacy and closeness between you and your spouse.
What most couples say they do when I see them in marriage counseling in Houston is they come home from work, or they have a long day, they have all this pent up stress inside them, but they have no place to put it. They do this same dance over and over again until it creates emotional separation between them.
When you are frustrated and stressed, but do not accurately communicate that with your spouse, it ends up looking like you are rejecting your spouse. If you are worried about how to effectively communicate with your spouse when you are having a bad or stressful day, here are some easy steps for you:
1) Pick the right time
Timing is everything when it comes to communication. Ensure that neither you nor your spouse are feeling emotionally charged before you have this conversation. If you need to take a few moments to relax or unwind first, then do so.
2) Decide who will be the speaker and who will be the listener
This sounds awfully formal, but it’s a lot easier than it sounds. While there is room for both of you to talk about your stress, it is a lot easier if you take turns. This will ensure that each person gets the attention and support they need.
The speaker’s job is easy. All you have to do is speak to your spouse about the stress you are going through. That’s it. In this framework, the listener does all the hard work.
3) The listener needs to stick to these simple rules
Most married people think they are great listeners, but you know what? Most people suck at listening. After you learn this framework in my Houston marriage counseling practice, you’ll realize we all have room to grow.
Here are some simple rules when it comes to listening.
Maintain eye contact and show interest. Ask questions to get more details about what your spouse is experiencing.
Ensure your partner knows that you are on his side. Do not take the side of whomever he is complaining about. This might be challenging for you, but just bite your tongue.
Remember that you are on the same team. This is not the time to correct or challenge your spouse.
Be empathetic. Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and try to imagine how he is feeling.
4) reflect back what you are hearing
To be a good listener in marriage, it’s important that you first understand what you are hearing. An easy way to know if you have heard correctly, is to simply repeat what you’ve heard.
Yup. Repeat exactly what your spouse has said word for word.
If your spouse corrects you, take note and just repeat what you’ve heard again. The more you practice this, the easier it becomes.
5) Ask your spouse what he needs
Once you have gone through this entire process, ask your spouse if he needs your advice or if he just wants to vent. This is important because often times, we skip the empathy and jump right to advice. But sometimes, your spouse isn’t looking for your advice. He just wants a listening ear.
And there you have it. A simple formula to help you vent and reduce stress with your spouse.
If you are ready to become a master communicator in your marriage, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consult call for marriage counseling in Houston.