Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston: How to Reconnect When You Feel Emotionally Distant from Your Husband

Recognizing Emotional Distance in Your Marriage: A Biblical Perspective on Connection

Think of your marriage like a flower garden. At the beginning, everything looks lush, green and beautiful. people on the outside even come to admire it, but over time, if the garden is not tended to, if the plants are not watered, if they are lacking in air and sunlight, the once healthy flowers will begin to wither. And if care isn’t taken, the plants could die.

Marriage is not a one and done situation. If you wish to have a healthy marriage, you must put in the work to ensure that your marriage is thriving. Because over time, emotional disconnection shows up. Some subtle ways to know that you and your spouse are emotionally disconnected are:

• Your conversations are focused on housekeeping, rather than your lives. You talk about the bills, the grocery order and other people, but neither of you know each other’s hopes, dreams or fears.

• Your physical intimacy starts to get less and less desirable. It eventually halts or you both sweep it under the rug.

• You stop being each other’s best friends. You might not even argue. You just stop sharing the inside jokes and fun conversations.

• You stop doing the small things you once enjoyed- watching a show together, praying together, going to church together, having deep discussions about podcasts, cuddling, taking walks together, etc.

• You find that you are happy or relieved when your spouse leaves the house or has to go on a trip.

When your emotional connection starts to wane, it also negatively affects your communication with each other. You find that arguments and short tempers gradually creep in. You start to attribute negative intention for you spouse and assume that he is trying to be hurtful towards you. You start to walk on eggshells and just generally feel uncomfortable expressing ourself in a vulnerable way.

It is time to assess the status of your relationship. Has the love grown cold? Do you still rush to update your spouse on the happenings of your day? Or would you rather keep it to yourself? Do you still trust your spouse with your heart?

Even though Jesus was not married, he shared a deep love with His disciples. We saw him share His joys with them, we saw Him even ask them to keep watch and pray for Him on one of the most difficult nights of His life. We even saw Him appear to them after He resurrected so they could have some comfort. This is an example of what our love should look like- sharing the different sides of you with the one you love.

Christian marriage counseling in Houston, not only helps you come up with an accurate assessment of the state of your marriage, but we will work together to create a stronger foundation so that we can heal what happen din the past and create deeper intimacy in the present.

Understanding the Root Causes of Emotional Distance: Trusting God with Your Marriage

Emotional disconnection is probably the most common reason why people seek me out for Christian marriage counseling in Houston. So, what causes emotional disconnection? Here are some reasons:

• Unresolved conflict: Sometimes couples simply sweep conflict under the rug. They know that there's an issue that needs to be resolved, but perhaps they were raised in a family where issues were swept under the rug and then everybody came back together much later, pretending that it never happened. Or maybe you struggle to resolve conflict because of the emotional pain it will cause to talk about the issue. Or perhaps you have tried to resolve the conflict and it caused an argument, but since you are averse to arguments and difficulty, you just stopped trying out of frustration and sadness. After a long time, this doesn't actually solve anything, it drives you further apart from your spouse.

• Unmet emotional needs: Many married people spend so much time thinking about themselves and their needs, but they are not actually sure what their spouse needs and how their spouse needs to be loved. We often will treat people how we want to be treated. Now while this is actually biblical, because Jesus treated everybody with love, kindness and gentleness, if you notice, he healed people in different ways – according to their own individual needs. He even spoke to people differently. To some people he was a little bit harsher, to others He was speaking in parables, and to others He was just plain and clear. He knew what each person needed.

  So the most important thing in marriage is learning what your spouse actually needs, learning his temperament, knowing his past, knowing his hurts, staying away from triggering him and knowing how to apologize when you have caused damage. Listen to what your spouse is actually saying, rather than assuming his intentions.

• Lack of communication: I am sure you have heard this one before. Most people speak just to respond, rather than to listen and understand. Before you jump to actually saying your point of view, ensure that you understand the emotions behind your words as well as what the purpose of communication actually is. Communication is not supposed to win fights. Good communication is supposed to strengthen your love and improve intimacy.

• Pride: Sometimes pride gets in the way of apologizing, admitting that you are wrong or taking responsibility for your actions. Remember that your spouse is not your enemy. You and your spouse are fighting on the same team, so humble yourself and do the right thing.

God has called us to love and respect one another. And in fact we are called to submit one to the other. This means marriage is not a one man or a one woman show. Both of you must walk together. Amos 3:3 says “Do two walk together
unless they have agreed to do so?“ That is one of the biggest struggles in marriages that both people want to walk, but everybody wants to be the leader. And their style of leadership is often by force as opposed to through humility.

Here is some homework for you. Write down five key issues that have been causing distance in your marriage. Don't just jot them down hurriedly. Write them down deeply and specifically. Start to pray over those issues. If you feel comfortable, ask your spouse to do the same thing and then you can bring those issues in to a Christian marriage counselor for deeper guidance. It is important to pray, be in The Word and also seek the advice of wise counsel. Proverbs 19:20 sates “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise“

Practical Communication Tips for Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage

Most of us have not been taught effective communication skills. We mostly watched our parents and family members either argue or just ignore each other. Most of us also weren't spoken to with respect by the people around us, so we took those bad habits and transferred them into our marital homes. Here are some practical communication strategies for you:

• Only one person speaking at a time. When you are having a difficult conversation, it is important to listen carefully and maybe even take notes, so that you catch everything your spouse is saying.

• Put your emotions on hold for a moment. When your spouse is speaking, the spotlight is on him alone. Rather than being in your feelings, take a second to truly be empathetic with him. Ask yourself “What is he feeling in this moment?” “Why is he feeling this way?” “How have I contributed to these feelings?”

• Ask for clarification. When you are trying to resolve an issue, there will be a lot of misunderstanding. Ask your partner to speak slower, so you can catch everything he is saying. If there is something you are not understanding, ask for clarification. But do not ask as if you are fighting. Ask with a genuine level of ciruosuty.

• Apologize and take responsibility. When you realize your role in the argument or communication breakdown, it’s time to apologize. Be specific: “I am sorry for…” Please do not say “I am sorry you feel that way.” Say what behavior you participated in that led to the hurt or breakdown.

• Say what you need. After the apologies and acceptance of responsibility, say what you need and what both of you need to do to prevent this situation from coming up again the the future.

The Power of Prayer and Vulnerability in Healing Your Marriage

Prayer and vulnerability are often ignored, but they are powerful tools for healing in a marriage. Through prayer, all types of chains break, the Holy Spirit convicts you, and you begin to see the actions you need to take. Prayer also brings a couple closer because in prayer, you both are able to hear the secret cries, pains and challenges that you otherwise eowudl not have known existed within your partner. Prayer softens the heart, God is pretty great at turning hearts of stone into hearts of flesh- that is if we are willing to go along with Him on the journey. James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.“

When we are able to bring our sins to our spouses, not only is a weight lifted off us, but they can look at us through the eyes of grace and mercy. When you work with me- A Black Christian therapist in Houston, I guide you into how to regain the emotional connection you once had with your spouse. You will learn to listen, how to be more empathetic, how to communicate your needs in a way he can hear and understand, and how to regain friendship.

Once we’ve done this, you and your spouse may now talk about the longstanding issues that caused you to drift apart in the first place. A softened heart is more capable of listening, understanding and forgiving than a heart that is hard as a rock.

If you find that hardness has overtaken your heart, pray together and ask for guidance, healing, and strength to work through your emotional disconnection. If you’re not sure what to pray, use this as a starting point:

“Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing my spouse and I together. Forgive us for the times in which we have been cold hearted, angry or cruel to one another. Please soften our hearts. Show us how to really love one another. Helps us to be connected physically, emotionally and spiritually. May our marriage bring you glory forever. In Jesus’s name. Amen.”

5. How Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Can Help Rebuild Emotional Connection

Sometimes when you are going through emotional distance with your spouse and other relationship struggles, hiding it might feel like the natural thing. But please do not. A Black Christian therapist in Houston come provide culturally relevant, compassionate support for you and your spouse. In marriage therapy you can learn how to embrace vulnerability, and be guided towards healing through faith and important therapeutic strategies. There is such a big need for a godly counseling in our marriages, so please do not suffer in silence.

If you’re ready to reconnect emotionally and spiritually with your spouse, Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation with a Black therapist in Houston today, and take the first step toward healing and deeper intimacy in your marriage.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

When Talking Leads to Nowhere: A Christian Therapist in Houston on Communicating with a Non-HSP Husband

Understanding the Emotional Divide: Why Highly Sensitive Wives and Non-HSP Husbands Struggle to Connect

In some marriages, the wife is a highly sensitive person, while her husband is a non-highly sensitive person, or vice versa. We can characterize these marriages as a mixed sensitivity marriages. And in some cases, not only is the other spouse non-highly sensitive, he also is somebody who is not in tune with his emotions or may be a little bit abrupt in the way he communicates. This can leave you feeling frustrated and constantly invalidated. Perhaps your husband is a very logical person who likes to do things with the highest efficiency, but he often overlooks the importance of tapping into his emotions and focusing on softness. This is probably one of the reasons why he does not understand the depth of your emotions and I promise you that this is OK. Because even though he is not highly sensitive and he's not fully tapped into his emotions, he can learn how to be empathetic with you.

The key is active listening.

The Bible sums it up nicely: "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." (James 1:19). Once we learn how to stop making assumptions, really tap in to the emotions that your spouse is feeling and take time to address those emotions, then you and your spouse will feel a lot closer. You do not necessarily need to have a depth of emotions to be able to empathize with others. But if you grew up not engaging with the emotions of others, or disregarding emotions, it will feel like a new skill for you and you do have to be humble enough to learn it.

As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, it is my job to help you navigate these differences with grace. Just like it is difficult for you to understand how your husband has lived this long without tapping into the depth of his emotions, it is also difficult for him to understand how you have lived this long by tapping into the depth of your emotions. His way of doing things is not necessarily wrong, just like your way of doing things is not necessarily right- they're just different.

When both of you learn how to truly listen to each other, and suspend speech, you will find that your level of understanding of one another will quickly increase- thereby reducing anger and arguments. And yes, you will learn all of this if you work with me for marriage counseling in Houston.

Expressing Your Needs Clearly: Biblical Wisdom for Effective Communication

When you are having a conversation with your spouse, it is important to remember that this is somebody you love (I know you might not always feel this way). This is somebody you made a covenant with in the presence of God and men, and it is imperative that you treat each other with love and respect. The goal of communication is to strengthen the relationship, not to tear it down. Each word you speak has to be spoken with clarity- not expectation or judgement. You must say what you mean, but not say it in a mean way.

I often tell my marriage counseling clients that my standard of clear ocmmnciation is this:

If a stranger walked into the room and heard your statement, could he/she immediately know your needs and intentions without you explaining them further?

So say what you mean. If you want your husband to take you out for dinner, say exactly that. Don’t beat about the bush. "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" - Matthew 5:37. No need for more.

Here are some simple communication guidelines:

• It is important to humble yourself when you're speaking to your spouse.

• Never assume that you know everything or you know what his/her intentions are. If you're not clear on what his/her intentions are, then simply ask.

• If you feel that the communication is hurtful, say exactly that. Remember the old eye for an eye in the Bible? Do not repay your spouse anger for anger.

• When your spouse is saying something mean, your job is to respond with something nice. I also say to my clients, two people do not belong on the crazy train. If your spouse jumps on the crazy train, it is your job to jump off.

• When you notice that communication is beginning to heat up or escalate, it is time to call for a time out.

  You have to have a great amount of humility to implement these principles, but these are simply biblical ways to live. It is your job to live in peace with as many people as you can if it is up to you. Always put it upon yourself to be a peacemaker. Eventually your spouse will come around too. If both of you are actively working towards peace, repaying harshness with softness, apologizing, taking responsibility for your actions, your marriage will be amazing.

When you work with me- a Black therapist in Houston, you not only learn effective communication skills that help with empathy, validation of each other’s feelings and conflict resolution, you also will be provided with culturally and spiritually aligned support. Because without biblical principles, it will be impossible for you to thrive in your marriage. We do not have to separate your culture and values when we sit in marriage counseling or therapy.

From Misunderstood to Heard: Creating a Safe Space for Emotional Vulnerability

One of the struggles of high sensitivity is you are so used to being told to tone things down, that you spend the rest of your life being a chameleon. You tone down your feelings, you tone down your reactions to things, and you keep a lot of thoughts to yourself for fear of judgment or being misunderstandood. But remember that your husband is supposed to be the closest person to you. When he married you, he probably noticed that you were deeply empathetic and you did notice a lot of small details that he might've missed.

I'm pretty sure that even though you felt like you did a good job of hiding who you were, he noticed most of those traits and he still decided to do life with you- because he very much enjoyed those same traits that you were hiding. The problem with hiding your traits is that even though you feel like you have found acceptance, there is a frustration and exhaustion that happens when you have been in hiding for a long time.

It is time to stop being afraid of being “too much” for your husband. My number one suggestion is to be vulnerable with him and let him know that you sometimes feel like you are too much. If he is a loving man, he will be able to affirm you and let you know that you are just enough. There is no such thing as a person who is too much, because you were created to be highly sensitive and God does not make mistakes.

No two people are the same. And people often say that opposites attract. Even though we often pick people who share similar values and want to do life in a similar way than us, there is no way to pick a spouse who is exactly like you. And part of love is providing emotional safety for your spouse. It is important for you and your spouse to create space for each other in the marriage. Each person will think a little differently and do things differently, but “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7. Love fights with you, not against you. True agape love holds your hand while you are in the storm and seeks to find understanding.

An excellent Christian marriage counselor in Houston can help you feel seen and valued in your marriage. I will take you back to the beginning and remind you of your values. You will learn how to have a greater understanding of one another, then be able to communicate what you need, when you need it, in a way that your spouse can understand and integrate. No more guessing games.

When Words Fall Short: Non-Verbal Ways to Strengthen Your Connection

One of the basics of marriage is learning each other's love love languages. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our unmet needs, that we forget to even think about what we are providing for our spouses. It is important to be able to love your husband in the way that he feels appreciated, not according to the way you feel appreciated. Sometimes it's important to take a step back and think about things from his perspective, then begin to explain things in a way that makes sense for him.

Sometimes we think our way is the best way, because you're probably a high-performing, super responsible, highly sensitive woman. You sometimes expect things to be done according to your standard and sometimes that might leave your husband feeling isolated and left behind. So when you are able to understand the way he experiences you and the way he experiences the marriage, you'll be better able to meet his needs. Selflessness is a big part of deep love.

Sometimes you need to go back to the very beginning. Remember your shared faith. Faith based practices like prayer and shared devotional time can also foster intimacy because as women we have deep needs. Our needs are physical, spiritual, environmental, social, and of course, emotional. A deep connection to God can greatly improve your connection with one another. Because when you are in the word of God together, it not only humbles the both of you, but it also convicts your hearts and creates a level of selflessness that is needed to love each other the way God loves us.

As a Black Christian therapist in Houston, one of my jobs is to help you integrate faith and cultural wisdom in your marriage. From time to time I will check you, and remind you how what you're doing is currently not in alignment with the word of God. Of course I'll never say this in a harsh way and I am never judging you, but my job is to create room for the Holy Spirit to do His work.

Finding Support: How Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Can Help You Thrive

If you are ready to end the constant cycle of arguing about the same things over and over again, then maybe it is time to reach out for help. God provides help and he also sends people to do His work. Sometimes you have to exercise your faith by reaching out and learning new skills and new ways of thinking. Seeking therapy is an act of faith- faith that God can still restore what has been broken. Remember the Word of God says "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed." - Proverbs 15:22.

The benefit of working with a Black therapist in Houston who understands both faith and cultural dynamics is that you do not have to feel like you are losing your soul. We can work on improving the closenesss and intimacy in your marriage without leaving your values behind.

Are you ready to feel truly heard in your marriage? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with me- a Black therapist today.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Lost in Translation? How Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Helps HSP Wives Bridge the Communication Gap

The Silent Struggle: Why Highly Sensitive Wives Feel Unheard in Marriage

People are born highly sensitive. If you ask your parents or childhood caregivers to tell you about yourself when you were a baby, they might say something like “You cried a lot.” “We just couldn’t put you down.” “You were very cuddly and clingy.” Or “We had to make sure the lights and environment were just right, or else you would scream your head off.” Although your caregivers might not even have known what high sensitivity is, they would have just known that there was something special about you.

And special isn’t a bad thing.

I believe that sensitivity is a God designed trait of strength- not weakness. Many highly sensitive people tend to be really close to God and pour out their hearts in prayer and service. They notice the subtle shifts in the environment that no one does. Some of them even tend to see visions and dream dreams. That can’t possibly be a bad thing. It is only perceived as bad when your friends and family members don’t know what to do with you. They notice that you experience emotions on a much deeper level that they do, and because they can’t understand what’s going on, they label you in a negative light.

When you are a HSP who is married to a non-HSP spouse, you can feel deeply overwhelmed, because he can trigger you unknowingly. He comes in, turns on the bright lights, blasts the music and all you want to do is just sit in a dim corner so you can reset your tired nervous system. When you get into a disagreement with him, he wants to settle it there and then, while you want to take your time to process. And when you finally are able to speak about the issue, 2 days have passed. He has completely forgotten about the issue by then. You feel dismissed and invalidated. You value process as opposed to solutions but he just wants to fix things quickly without talking about emotions and soft things.

Christian marriage counseling in Houston provides a safe space to be understood. Your non sensitive husband willl learn a bit more about what high sensitivity is. He will learn to compromise in some other areas, and you in turn, will learn how to communicate without shutting down or dragging the issue for 2 days before coming to resolution. You will learn how to regulate your nervous system so you’re not constantly lashing out.

From Frustration to Connection: Biblical Principles for Healthy Communication

One of my favorite scriptures is found in Proverbs 15:1. It says “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Sometimes one person has to take a step back and lead with a gentle word. Once 1 person starts to escalate, it’s time for the other person to jump off what I call ‘The crazy train.’ It’s also important to know that it takes 2 to fight. If you speak gently to a yelling person. they have no choice but to deescalate naturally. You can’t argue with yourself.

It is important to express emotions in a way that your husband can understand. Help him understand why certain things are so important to you. Emotions are much more important than settling arguments. Talk about what you are feeling, why you are feeling that way, what you need from him, and also take accountability and apologize for any part you played in creating the problem. Here is an example. Imagine you both had an argument about who forgot to pick up your child from school. Here is what you can say to him:

“I felt panicked when I found out that Stacy was left behind at school. It reminded me of the times when my dad was too busy to take me to the park or come to my recitals. I do apologize for not letting you know that she gets out early today. And I also apologize for yelling at you when I found out she wasn't picked up. What we can do next time is put it all on the family calendar and ensure that we receive notifications the day before. I can also text you the day before so you remember if her schedule changes.”

You see, good communication isn’t just about sorting out disagreements. It is really about emotional connection. When your husband hears you and understands your emotional stance, he is better able to connect with you. He also learns what your triggers are and how to stay away from them. You in turn feel seen, validated and can bring your guard further down.

As a Black therapist in Houston my job is to help bridge the cultural and emotional gap in communication between you and your spouse. Even if you and your spouse grew up in the same environment, you will still face some cultural differences. Because you were raised in different households, you have different personalities and temperaments. I understand the nuances of being a Black immigrant in Houston. But I also help you give language to the way you feel. Together we will construct a marriage that is rich in friendship, low in drawn out disagreements and you will rediscover intimacy.

The Role of a Black Christian Therapist: How Cultural Understanding Strengthens Marriage Counseling

It is important to find a marriage therapist in Houston who understands the Christian faith because your values are grounded in your faith. As a Christian therapist, I incorporate biblical principles so that you can act out your roles in the way that God intended. Shared cultural values and faith matter in therapy so that you do not end up losing your soul as you are in search of marital cohesion. We absolutely do not have to separate your faith from your healing.

As a Black therapist in Houston, I can offer deeper insights into the unique challenges of faith, marriage, and emotional expression. There’s no need for code switching or deep explanations into your life when you work with me- as we already have some cultural commonalities. It is important to feel safe and understood in therapy- especially if you are a highly sensitive woman. Because highly sensitive women often feel misunderstood and invalidated, it can be even more disappointing when they are shut down by therapists. Not only am I a Black immigrant therapist, I also happen to be a highly sensitive woman, so I get it.

Don’t get me wrong though, not all highly sensitive people are the same, so I won’t typecast you or make assumptions about you, but we do share some traits. If you have been struggling in your marriage for years, please don’t fret. Seeking help is a sign that you truly want to move forward. It is not a sign of weakness, but an act of faith and strength.

My job as a marriage therapist in Houston is to also help you and your spouse celebrate your differences without having them become a source of constant frustration and disagreements. You will learn how to communicate in a way that your spouse can understand, and you will also get a deeper feeling of empathy towards your spouse. Empathy is the road towards understanding and deeper intimacy.

Practical Steps to Strengthen Communication with Your Non-HSP Husband

It is absolutely possible to repair the communication problems in your marriage- even if they’ve lingered for years. The first step is willingness. Both of you have to decide that you will start to do things differently. If you feel guilty, scared or apprehensive when you express your feelings to your spouse (I’m not talking about an abusive relationship here), it is important to let your spouse know so that he is gentler with you. Let him know that you sometimes need a little extra time to process your thoights and you would value it if he spent a bit of time listening to your thoights and emotions. Sometimes non-HSP husbands can be so outcome oriented that they completely skip past the listening and unearthing of emotions that HSPs value so much.

Active listening is one of the most important skills to master within a marriage relationship. Active listening simply means when you are listening to your spouse talk, you:

1- Suspend judgement

2- Hold off on everything you want to say

3- Ensure that you are not distracted

4- Listen to every word he/she says

5- Reflect back what you hear with the intention of knowing you might be corrected.

6- Try to really understand his/her point of view before stating yours.

You are essentially playing the role of a court stenographer. You are recording just the facts- your personal thoughts and emotions aren’t important when your spouse is speaking, You will get your turn too. Remember to validate his/her emotions after listening. Validation dosnt’t mean agreement. it simply means you can understand how the situation can trigger certain emotions for your spouse. It helps him/her feel seen.

A simple exercise I have my clients do as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston is to download the Gottman card decks app. it has tons of conversation starters to help you better understand and get used to relating closely with your spouse. It’s a great avenue to get to know your spouse better and to practice active listening skills.

As Christians, we are called to be slow to anger, slow to speak and quick to listen (James 1:19). So the art of active listening isn’t just a therapy gimmick, it’s something we should master as Christians. Learning this skill will help improve understanding in your marriage relationship and improve trust. When your spouse feels heard and validated, it can help bring the walls down and therefore bring you closer.

Take the First Step: Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Can Help You Feel Heard

If communication is an ongoing problem in your marriage, never fret. You do not have to struggle alone. As a Black therapist in Houston, I provide faith centered and culturally attuned therapy so that you can have the space to heal and grow in your marriage. Take the first step toward a stronger, more connected marriage—schedule your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation today! I offer virtual therapy services to clients throughout CA and TX.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Christian Therapist in Houston Shares: Why Communication Feels So Hard in a High-Sensitive & Non-Sensitive Marriage

Understanding the Communication Struggles in a High-Sensitive & Non-Sensitive Marriage

High sensitivity can be characterized by these 4 elements.

Depth of processing: Spending a lot of time and energy to think about or process what goes on inside your body and in your external environment.

Overarousability or Overstimulation: Because you notice so much going on within and outside of you, you feel burned out by the end of the day. It feels like sitting in a room full of people and all of a sudden you want to either run away from the room or go somewhere to take a nap. Your body works so hard that the energy drains from you quickly.

Emotional reactivity and empathy: You feel the emotions of others deeply. Sometimes you struggle to know if your emotions are yours or if they belong to the other person. And because of this, you react to thing and people who trigger your emotions perhaps in a bigger way than non highly sensitive people.

Sensing the subtle: You notice pretty much everything- subtle changes in the body language of others, a slight shift in the smell of the room, the fabric tag that lays at the back of your neck and even slight changes in temperature and texture.

And with all the above constantly going on within the highly sensitive person, your non highly sensitive spouse has no clue why you retreat, or suddenly goes quiet when you are at a party, or might want to avoid social interactions on the weekend if you’ve already had a full week.

Being highly sensitive can sometimes feel like you are drinking from a fire hose all the time. You notice every little detail while trying to focus on having a simple conversation with your spouse. And so you might appear distracted or it might look like you are not processing what he is saying fast enough. This can of course end up in disagreements and arguments. Or when something big is bothering you, but your spouse says “It’s not a big deal.” In that moment, you feel completely dismissed.

Why Feeling Dismissed Hurts More Than You Think (And What to Do About It)

When you go for months or even years without feeling heard and seen in your marriage, anger, bitterness and maybe even resentment can come in. This worsens if you feel as if you are really good at understanding your husband’s point of view, but the sentiments aren’t returned. Eventually it might lead you to withdraw, rather than leaning in to him like healthy couples do. You start to wonder if he loves you at all. When you feel misunderstood and unheard, it could also lead you to lose your temper or yell, so that you can be heard more. But ironically, yelling leads to disconnection.

Over time, this unchecked frustration can eventually lead to distance and resentment. When you feel offended by a statement your husband made, rather than turning to him to fix it and give you more context, you swallow it up and assume the worst of him. We call this ‘Negative sentiment override.’ It’s essentially the idea that you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’ve experienced so many negative or invalidating statements from your spouse, that even when he is trying to understand you, you assume the interaction will be negative. Your guard is up.

This is where I come in. My role as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston is to teach couples how to communicate with empathy and patience. I teach you how to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, so that you can develop the empathy to understand his thoughts and feelings. I teach you how to turn the negative sentiment override into a positive sentiment override in which you assume the best of your partner and he does the same of you. You learn active listening skills so that we can reduce misunderstandings and arguments. You also learn what to do when disagreements happen, so that they do not escalate into full-blown arguments.

Biblical Wisdom for Bridging the Communication Gap in Marriage

Listening is one of the most fundamental skills to master in marriage. Most people are actually quite poor listeners. When spouses are talking, we often are so focused on our emotions or how to respond, that we miss key parts of their statements. When you respond after missing a key part of a person’s statement, your response is pretty much based on a fallacy. But if you're able to take your time to listen to not only the words that are coming out of his mouth, what your understanding is, why he's saying the things that he's saying, and the emotions behind it, then your response will be all the more complete and it will lead to closeness in your relationship. The Bible even says in Proverbs 18:13 "To answer before listening – that is folly and shame.”

The first step in expressing your needs is actually picking the right time and context. If you are already feeling extremely upset and your emotions are heightened, it will affect the conversation you have with your spouse. So if you feel yourself getting to your boiling point, ask for a time out. Let your spouse know that you need some time to calm down and reflect.

Timeouts should be at least 30 minutes long because it takes most people at least 30 minutes to get to a place where they can speak calmly and rationally, but also respectfully. After the time out, use the speaker/listener format. Let your spouse know that you wish to unburden some things from your heart and you would like him to give you his undivided attention. He can even take notes if he needs to. There's nothing weird about it. Taking notes helps you capture important information and it helps you come to a place of deep understanding of your spouse.

When you're done saying what you need to say, ask your spouse to reflect back what he heard. If what he heard was accurate, then you may continue the conversation. If what he heard was inaccurate, your job is to correct what he heard, but without arguing. Just correct the statement without saying inflammatory things like “See? You’re just a bad listener.” Or “Why can’t you get it right?”

Once you feel understood and you have gotten things off your chest, you also repeat the same thing for your spouse. Listen to his point of view as you take notes, allow him to correct the parts that you did not hear or misunderstood, and then finally both of you can come to a conclusion of how to move forward. It is a slow process but it is very effective and respectful.

As a Black Christian therapist in Houston, it is my job to teach you how to come to the place of understanding and friendship in your marriage. My job is to show you how to talk to each other with respect, while maintaining the lightness and fun that marriage can bring. You will learn how to listen, take responsibility for your actions without being defensive, and work with your spouse to come up with plans for the future so that you have no longer having the same old arguments over and over again. Your marriage becomes a place of peace and cooperation. Counseling with me is not only from a cultural perspective, but from a biblical foundation.

The Spiritual Benefits of Seeking Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Sometimes you might feel like when you are having struggles in your marriage and you turn to marriage counseling, then it means that you are giving up or saying that your marriage is over. That is not the case. Proverbs 11:14 says "Where there's no guidance, people fall, but in an abundance of counselors, there is safety." We have to remember that God can heal our situation by bringing professionals and other people around us to give us godly counsel. If you feel like you and your spouse have been struggling with the same issue for years, perhaps it's just time to stop marching around Jericho and ask for help.

As a Black therapist in Houston, I take so much pride in helping couples heal from past relational wounds while standing firm in and deepening their faith. There's no reason why we should have to remove our biblical standards from our marriages, rather, it is those biblical standards and values that will help build your marriage. The skills that I teach are right in line with the Bible. We will talk about appropriate roles and rules in the household, how to take reposnsibility when you mess up, how to be humble and listen with intention, how to love your spouse the way he/she wants to be loved, how to repair when things get messed up, ways to deescalate a tense situation, how to strengthen trust, intimacy and friendship. What’s more biblical than creating a solid foundation in your home?

Essentially what we are doing in our marriage counseling work is realigning your marriage with God's design for healthy, Christ centered communication. And we know that a solid marriage will help you grow together and give you greater peace of mind.

Take the First Step Toward a Stronger, Healthier Marriage

What if there is a great way to strengthen both your relationship and your spiritual walk? Through the process of marriage counseling, you learn how to submit one to another. You learn how to treat each other with affection and care. You also learn how to embrace your appropriate roles and work together as a complementary team. You learn how to settle disagreements easily, and how to give each other a measure of grace and forgiveness. Another important piece of marriage counseling is taking responsibility for your actions without excuses. All of these things are simply the way we are to live as Christians. And so you learn to work out your faith one day at a time through your marriage.

As a Christian therapist in Houston my job is simply to be your guide. I provide biblical and practical tools for better communication. Sometimes when you are in the midst of the storm, you cannot see clearly. What you need is a third-party who wants your marriage to succeed. And that third-party can come in and show your blindspots. I step in to strengthen your relationship, so that you and your spouse can finally become marriage experts.

Ready to break the cycle of miscommunication in your marriage? Schedule your free 15-minute consultation for marriage counseling with a Black Christian therapist in Houston today!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston: How to Feel Heard When Your Spouse Doesn’t Get Your Sensitivity

When Your Sensitivity Feels Like a Burden in Marriage

Being a highly sensitive woman can be difficult because you get misunderstood in your marriage all the time. Sometimes you just need some time to reflect and decompress, but it can be misunderstood as you being unfriendly or abandoning your family. Sometimes you are overcome with emotions and burst into tears, but your spouse thinks you are weaponzing your emotions. Sometimes you get completely flooded with emotions and shut down, and your spouse and thinks you were trying to avoid talking about the situation.

Sometimes it takes you a while to process through things and so you cannot give a response in the heat of the moment, and this frustrates your spouse. He wants to settle matters now and get things over with, but he feels as if you are slowing things down or always doing things in your own time. He thinks you are selfish.

Simply being you can lead to so many different conflicts. You find yourself being in one conflict or another over and over again and this can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment. He resents you because he does not understand why you are being difficult. And you resent him because he does not understand you and is trying to force you to talk when you were just not physiologically capable to do so.

Rest easy.

Sensitivity is not a curse. I actually look at it as a God-given strength. It is simply the way you are wired. Once you have a good understanding of who you are, and you’re able to explain how you operate to your husband, the arguments will reduce. You’ll know what you need, learn to ask for what you need and you will then be able to communicate smoother.

The Communication Struggles Between Highly Sensitive Wives and Non-HSP Husbands

If you are married to a non-highly sensitive husband, or a husband who is not very in tune with his emotions, he might struggle to understand your deep emotions, why you “overthink things” and “feel so deeply about things.” He may not understand why you cry at certain times, or why you put so much thought into things that he might cast away. He might not understand why you're so emotionally invested in certain people, or why you are so passionate about your work. This is not a part of you that you can put aside. High sensitivity does come with being deeply empathetic and feeling deeply. And a lot of highly sensitive people also tend to think deeply, which can be translated by others as overthinking.

Some conflict patterns that I notice in the highly sensitive wife/non-highly sensitive husband dynamic is that when an issue happens, the highly sensitive spouse spends a lot of time stewing. In the moment she knows that she feels something deeply, but emotions feel like a whirlwind so she's not able to actually address the issue. Her husband on the other hand has no idea that she is feeling deeply about it. Two days later, after she has processed the issue thoroughly, she brings the issue to her husband who is completely befuddled because he cannot even remember what happened two days ago, let alone does he even know that you were upset. You feel insulted, unseen and disrespected because your feelings went unheard.

Another type of conflict that I see is when you're passionate about something, you think about every single detail. Highly sensitive people tend to be very detail oriented. When they plan something, they are very concerned about the experiences of other people involved in the activity. For example, if a non-highly sensitive person has an appointment at 10 AM, if she leaves the house at 9:30 AM and shows up at 10:05 AM. It will not bother her.

But for the highly sensitive person, she thinks about if the person she is going to meet will feel offended if she shows up after 10 AM. She thinks about how the appointments after her will have to be pushed back because of her lateness. They also sometimes will show up early because they actually need time to feel settled into the appointment before walking in at 10 AM. All of these things are going on in the background without the knowledge of her non-sensitive husband. So while it may seem like highly sensitive people do too much, they have so much on their minds all the time.

Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help you bridge the communication gap. Many people struggle with communication simply because they have not taken the time to actually understand the other person's point of view. Many of us assume that others think just like us, and then we project our feelings and thoughts onto them. When we find out that they're not thinking like us, we get offended.

But during marriage counseling, it is my job to teach you how to be an active listener, how to actually reflect back what you heard your spouse say, how to validate her feelings, and how to respond in a way that she can understand. So this world is no longer just about you, you are actively learning to love your spouse the way she deserves to be loved and you are a lot more sensitive to her needs. She will also learn how to view the world from your actual perspective so that she can communicate in a way that you can receive. You both start to speak a common language that you can understand. No more persistent quarrels and silly arguments.

Why a Black Christian Therapist in Houston Can Help You Feel Seen and Understood

When you are a Black professional woman working in the corporate world, sometimes you already feel misunderstood just because of your background and the differences in skin color. So as a Black professional who is highly sensitive, you are trying to not only maneuver a healthy marriage, but trying to reach your goals and dreams. It is important that your therapist has a solid cultural and spiritual understanding of who you are. Because you don't want unnecessary micro aggressions and assumptions in your marriage therapy session. You don't want to have to spend time explaining who you are and what you do. You want to feel comfortable in the therapy space and do whatever comes naturally to you. You don't have to worry about code switching or putting on a front. You simply can just be you.

Christian counseling helps you not only focuses on your emotions and your relationship challenges, but we also ensure that we are putting Jesus at the center of it all. We will ensure that your marriage is values driven. We ensure that your marriage is being built according to biblical principles and you can create a legacy of love and spiritual growth for your family. No it's not my job to indoctrinate you or to tell you what the Bible says, it is simply my job to present scripture to you that you can take to the Holy Spirit for further interpretation. When you work with a Black therapist in Houston who aligns with your values and experiences, you don't have to spend so much time hiding or fighting or pretending to be someone that you're not. You can simply just be.

Embracing Your Sensitivity While Building a Stronger Marriage

A great tool that I use with my marriage counseling clients in Houston is the speaker/listener format. You and your spouse have to learn to slow communication down when you're about to talk about something important. Timing is everything. So pick a time in which neither of you will be distracted, tired, sick or busy. Let your spouse know that you would like to set up a meeting. This doesn't have to feel formal, but it does need to be treated like an important part of your day.

The person who has something to say should be given the floor and your spouse will be the listener. Your job is to explain to him what is going on from your perspective. He doesn't have to understand your perspective fully, but he does have to listen. Every now and then, pause so that your spouse can reflect back what he heard you say. This gives you time to actually process what you are saying, and it also helps your spouse ensure that he is hearing you correctly. This will reduce the feeling of being dismissed or unheard.

The listener’s job is to listen of course, try to be empathetic and put himself in his wife's shoes. Ask questions about how the other person felt when the situation occurred, what triggered her and why she feels the way that she does. After all of the above questions, validate her feelings. Validation can be something as simple as "I understand why you would feel this way." When the speaker is done talking, and feels heard, then your spouse will have a chance to state his point of view while you listen and repeat the above steps.

Remember that patience is a fruit of the Spirit. As a married couple, it is important to master healthy and effective communication so that you can strengthen your emotional connection. It is definitely possible with some practice. Christian marriage counseling in Houston helps you turn conflict into deeper intimacy. We do this by showing you how to lean into what your spouse has to say, teaching you how to become a great listener, which then helps your spouse feel seen and heard. When your spouse feels seen and heard, she's able to trust you, the friendship deepens and emotional connection strengthens.

Take the First Step Toward Feeling Heard in Your Marriage

Did you know that the average couple waits about 6 years after the initial marital struggle begins before seeking help from a professional? Don’t let this be you. A stronger connection and deeper intimacy are possible with the right support. As a Black therapist in Houston, it is my job to better understand your unique needs, so I can guide you through faith-based solutions. You deserve to feel heard and valued. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today for marriage counseling in Houston and take the first step toward a stronger, more connected marriage.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Using Love Languages to Strengthen Communication and Resolve Conflict in Your Christian Marriage

Understanding the Five Love Languages: A Key to Resolving Conflict in Christian Marriages

The five love languages is a concept that was introduced by Gary Chapman. Mr. Chapman states that everyone has a love tank. To be connected and happy in a relationship, one’s love tank must be full. The way to fill up one’s love tank is to love the person according to his/her own unique love language. Some people have one love language, and others might have a primary love language as well as a secondary love language. A love language is simply the way a person wants to receive love. He states that everyone has a love language – including children. For a marriage to be healthy, and for emotional needs to be met, it is imperative that each person learns to speak the love language of their spouse.

Relationships often experience struggle when your partner is loving you according to his own love language rather than taking time to learn how to love you according to your own love language. So then he ends up getting frustrated because he feels like he's pouring time and energy into you, but he’s not receiving the desired response. You also feel drained because you feel like you're pouring time and energy into him and nothing is being poured back into you. Your love tank begins to empty.

Sometimes people kick against the idea of love languages, but if you look at Ephesians 4: 2 we are commanded to '‘Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” What is a better way to deal with your partner in love than to take your time to understand what makes him tick and to help him receive love in the way that he is naturally wired? It is essentially an act of service and humility. If you are having a difficult time with this, marriage counseling in Houston can help. My job is to help you learn new skills to be able to love your partner in the way that he or she needs. No judgment, just two people trying to grow together.

Understanding the Power of Love Languages in a Christ-Centered Marriage

If you're wondering what the five love languages are, they are:

Words of affirmation: Verbally expressing one’s love through validation, appreciation and encouragement. These are people who send text messages to say they are thinking about you, they might leave cute notes or cards around the house and they also in conversation, regularly talk about what they appreciate about you.

Acts of service: Doing tangible things for others like picking up something from the store, cooking, cleaning, giving a massage. It involves serving your spouse in a physical way.

Physical touch: These are people who like to put an arm on the other person’s shoulder, hold hands, kiss, cuddle or just causally touch people when laughing. They don’t even do it on purpose. It just happens.

Receiving gifts: People who like to receive gifts also enjoy giving gifts. These gifts might not even be expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Sometimes they’ll make homemade treats or crafts to show their love.

Quality time: They want to physically be in the room with you, engage in conversation, share ideas and make eye contact. Merely being in a room isn’t enough. They need your undivided attention to feel loved.

If you don’t know you and your spouse’s love languages, head over to www.the5lovelanguages.com and take the free test.

If you think to yourself, “Why is all of this important?” Let's refer to Ephesians 5:25 which says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her“. And 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.“

Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help couples apply love languages effectively so that you and your spouse can start to feel the love again.

Why Your Love Language Might Not Match Your Spouse’s—and That’s Okay

One of the biggest challenges in marriages is feeling misunderstood by your spouse. Many people will marry someone who has a love language that is different from theirs, and that is perfectly OK. It is important to celebrate each other's differences and actually utilize these differences to make both the marriage and the family stronger. To love someone in humility is to look at yourself as a student. Even if you have known your spouse for decades, it is important to remember that your spouse may grow, change, go through different experiences and might be a different person today than who he was 20 years ago. That being said learning a love language is simply just a way of giving and receiving love. When your spouse knows that you are loving him or her outside of your own love language, it is the natural instinct to reciprocate.

And when you think about the love that Jesus had for us, He really didn't gain that much by dying on the cross or suffering on this earth. He poured into us so that we might have life. He paid a debt that He did not owe. So there was nothing in it for Him. But because we have received the ultimate form of redemption, because we have seen what the ultimate sacrifice looks like, our response to His agape love is to love Him unconditionally as well. So love begets love. Our faith requires us to bring in humility and to think of others as being higher than ourselves. That includes our spouses too. So we must love our spouses fully without thinking about what we will get in return. If both husband and wife make this their goal, the marriage will be stronger.

Using Love Languages to Navigate Conflict with Grace and Understanding

Unmet needs often lead to discontent, arguments and even resentment in marriage. There is sometimes a silent, but mighty tension that just fills the spaces of the marriage. Each person gets short tempered, sad, and sometimes unable to communicate what he or she needs.

Disagreements need to be handled with love and patience. Yes, even when you feel like you have been wronged. James 1: 19-20 says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.“ The anger that James is referring to is vengeance- wanting to get revenge for a wrong you have suffered.

To turn things around, think of addressing the problem using your spouse’s love language. If your spouse loves quality time, set some time aside for him or her when you can provide your undivided attention. Really listen to what your spouse needs before addressing your own needs. To do this with physical touch, you can go for a walk together with hands held. This helps him or her understand that even though you might be at odds temporarily, you still desire connection. For gift lovers, present something thoughtful to them before you have a conversation about your needs. You don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts count too. For acts of service people, do something nice for them- wash their car, pick up something they need from the store, etc. This can help to prime them before having an important conversation. And words of affirmation people really need to hear about how much you appreciate them, before diving into unmet needs.

A Black therapist in Houston can provide culturally competent guidance in resolving conflicts. Sometimes you feel confused about how to actually approach the situation. My job is to teach you effective communication skills, help you rebuild your friendship and get back to the place of passion and togetherness you once had. It takes a level of patience and understanding, but with practice, it becomes easier.

Practical Ways to Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language Daily

Love languages can seem complicated- especially if you are married to someone who doesn’t share the same love language as you. To make it easier for you, actually ask your spouse what he or she would appreciate. Each week, say “How can I help you feel loved this week?” Or “Is there some way I’ve shown love to you in the past that you really appreciate?'‘ It’s the small, meaningful actions that reinforce your love and appreciation.

As you start to implement love languages into your marriage, also ensure that there is a level of consistency. For something to become a habit, you do need a few weeks of practice. It has to be intentional. Make it your priority. Both you and your spouse need to make it your number 1 priority. every week, seek to help your spouse see that you love him. Ask for regular feedback where you can celebrate wins and improvement in your marriage.

Prayer is a great tool to help you involve the Holy Spirit in your work as a couple. Ask Him for guidance, for strength, and for counsel as you both are on your journey to love each other well. Never assume what your spouse needs. Ask him or her.

Because couples often get stuck in a rut and tend to move back into old habits, a Christian marriage counselor in Houston can help youu build habits of love and respect while providing education and accountability. You will learn how to resolve conflict, strengthen your friendship and continue to grow together.

Finding Support: How a Christian Marriage Counselor Can Help You and Your Spouse Grow Together

If this all sounds too much for you or if this sounds like just the thing that you need, then it is time to seek Christian marriage counseling in Houston. A skilled marriage counselor can help you learn how to implement both you and your spouse’s love languages into your daily interactions so that you can improve friendship, deepen your connection, which could help with better conflict resolution and intimacy. Please note that love languages alone will not solve all your marital problems, but they sure will help as you build a new foundation in your marriage. Seeking help is not a sign that your marriage has failed. Seeking help is actually a sign that you have faith that your marriage can thrive once again and you are willing to learn the necessary skills to revive it.

Remember that faith without works is dead.

Want to strengthen your marriage through faith and personalized guidance? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with me- A Black Christian therapist in Houston.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.