Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA &amp; TX

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/23/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/23/25

How to Rebuild Trust After Hurtful Words| Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Words can wound, but trust can be rebuilt. Discover practical steps to repair the damage after hurtful words—through honest communication, empathy, and consistent action. Learn how to heal together and create a stronger, more resilient relationship. Read my full blog today!

Why Trust Can Be Fragile After Hurtful Words

In a marriage, it is so important to watch the words you say. You may apologize later, but once the words have come out of your mouth, you cannot take them back. Consider this scripture- “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). You know the old saying- “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’ Well that is a big lie. Words hurt. Word can also heal.

Words can create big wounds that could be difficult to heal. Long after you have apologized, your spouse may still remember the harsh words you said. Words can break trust, they can make your spouse feel small, unloved, unheard and disrespected. Harsh or uncaring words can actually close the doors to open communication and intimacy.

In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn that rebuilding trust is a process grounded in both faith and practical steps. I’m pretty sure that if you’ve been married for a while you’ve said one or two hurtful words. Through the process of marriage counseling, you will learn how to be wise with your words, and how to repair after you mess up.

Understanding the Emotional Impact of Words

Hurtful words leave a lasting impact. In some cases they might even dig at the self esteem of your spouse. So be careful what you say. Sometimes you might say something as a joke, but in practice, it might hit a nerve of your spouse’s. Words can also affect the emotional safety of your spouse- especially harsh words or words said loudly. Most people think of safety in terms of physical safety. But safety can also be emotional. Does your spouse feel like she has to overly edit herself when she is around you? Do you speak over her? Invalidate her feelings? Do you use intelligent words in a bid to ‘win’ the conversation? Or are your words used to encourage?

Hurtful or harsh words can also put a damper on the connection in your marriage. Think about it. It’s hard to connect with someone whom you do not feel safe with. It’s hard to open up to someone who doesn’t understand your point of view or who treats you as if you’re his competition- as opposed to his partner. Sometimes couples are much too reactive when they talk. To be reactive means to speak without spending time to reflect on how your words will affect you, your spouse and your environment. But to be responsive on the other hand, means to pause so that you can phrase your words in a kind, respectful way. James 1:19 sums up what responsiveness is – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

As a Black Christian therapist in Houston I help couples recognize patterns of reactive speech and understand the deeper emotional impact.

Steps to Repair Trust in Marriage

If you feel like your words have actually caused strife in your marriage, do not fear. As long as you and your spouse are willing, there’s always room for repair. The first step after you goof is to apologize. No need for shame. No need for guilt. No need to run away, Just straight up apologize to your spouse. An apology sounds like “I a sorry for saying [insert here].” An apology does NOT sound like “I am sorry if you feel sad” or “I am sorry you feel that way.” Nope.

The next step is to ask your spouse how you can improve things or prevent things from escalating next time. Perhaps you have to stay away from certain trigger words. Perhaps one of you might need to pause before you speak. Or maybe both of you take a time out. Stay away from words that obviously bother your spouse- even if those words are not a big deal to you.

After you apologize, pray for healing and guidance. Ask The Holy Spirit to bridle your tongue so that you use your words with wisdom. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston practice these steps to restore both emotional and spiritual intimacy.

Creating a Culture of Forgiveness and Grace

Although it’s important for each person to be careful about their words, it’s also important to extend a level of grace and understanding in marriage. Give each other time to learn and to grow. I’m not talking about justifying bad behavior. However, give each other some space to grow and learn. It’s also important to include a measure of accountability. You both should be able to call each other out when someone fumbles the ball. If your spouse uses triggering or hurtful words after you’ve already had a conversation, you have to remind him that those words are off limits. The desired outcome is for him to apologize. Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, I know that teaches that forgiveness is a discipline that reinforces trust over time.

Maintaining Trust Through Ongoing Communication

It is important to keep trying. The more work you put into it, the more successful you’ll be at this communication thing. Consistent communication habits are what you need to improve things in your marriage. Here are some habits you can start to improve communication:

1) Weekly check ins: Meet together once a week for about 30 minutes to talk about your week. What did each person say to build the other up? Was there anything that was said that was hurtful? How can you make it better? Pick just 1 thing to avoid overwhelm.

2) Shared prayer time: Prayer is a great way to invite God into your home. Before having a difficlt conversation, hold hands and say a prayer. Prayer softens hearts and helps to dampen difficult emotions. If you’re struggling with forgiveness, pray about it.

3) Listen actively: I sometimes ask my couples to take notes when their spouse is talking. This ensures that you are actually capturing what they are saying. Make a note about words that offend or hurt your spouse so you can stay away from them. Also identify how your spouse wants you to repair when you have hurt him. Does he want a hug in addition to “I’m sorry?” Is there a way to make amends? Talk about this.

Consistent, faith-based communication prevents new breaches of trust and strengthens marital intimacy.

Have hurtful words damaged trust in your marriage? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples rebuild trust, restore communication, and strengthen emotional and spiritual intimacy. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and start healing your marriage with guidance grounded in faith and expertise.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/16/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/16/25

Using Boundaries to Protect Communication and strengths your marriage| Christian marriage counseling Houston

Healthy communication starts with clear boundaries. Discover how setting loving limits can reduce conflict, build trust, and deepen connection with your spouse. Learn practical steps to protect conversations and strengthen your marriage in my insightful new blog. Read it today!

Why Boundaries Are Vital for Healthy Communication

Boundaries are gates that tell people when to come in, when to stand outside and when to stop. Every healthy relationship needs boundaries. If your boundaries are too flexible, you’ll get walked over. If your boundaries are too strong, on the other hand, you’ll never be able to let your spouse in and experience the full level of intimacy that you deserve to have within a marriage.

Boundaries help your spouse know how you want to be treated, what works for you, and what doesn’t. They help you protect yourself from hurt and they also invite respect and safety. Love should have boundaries and your spouse should know how you like to talk, what you enjoy socially, who you are, how you like to be spoken to, and what areas of your heart might be raw or unhealed.

In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn that healthy boundaries prevent escalation and foster understanding. A good boundary would let your spouse know that yelling is inappropriate in your household. A good boundary could also look like taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing when you miss the mark. You see? boundaries aren’t all bad. They help you respect one another. I believe that God also wants us to have boundaries. Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Without boundaries you cannot guard your heart. We are not to just allow anything penetrate our hearts.

Identifying Areas Where Boundaries Are Needed

If you’re still wondering what areas of your marriage might need some established boundaries, I’ll help you out. Let’s first start with tone and language. Some people have no concerns about foul language and escalated tone of voice during arguments. While, for others, it is a trigger of past trauma and/or a sign of disrespect. Talk about it.

You can have boundaries about personal space as well. This would be especially helpful if one person is an introvert and the other is an extrovert. Or if one person loves physical touch, while the other gets overstimulated or sometimes feels over touched.

You could also have boundaries around bedtime routines too. Are both of you early risers or night owls? Or is one of you an early bird while the other is a night owl? Talk about how that’s going to work for you.

Establish boundaries around work. This is especially helpful if one or both of you are entrepreneurs or work a non structured schedule.

Also establish boundaries around emotional triggers. What irritates you? What makes you sad? Nervous? Scared? Angry? Your spouse should know these things. As a Black Christian therapist in Houston I help couples identify where boundaries are most needed to reduce conflict.

How to Set Boundaries with Love and Grace

Now that you know what boundaries to set, the question is how exactly will you set them without it being awkward or without your spouse feeling hurt? First remember that boundaries are a way to learn how to love your spouse well. It is sometimes helpful to tell your spouse why the boundary is important to you. This gives him a better understanding of your past, your personality and your experiences.

Here is a good formula for communicating your boundaries:

I feel [insert feeling word] about [situation or boundary]. Here is what I need from you [insert here].

For example, I feel scared when I her someone raise their voice. What I need from you is to keep your voice at a low level when we disagree.

You can even talk more about past situations you’ve had around yelling and why it’s such a trigger for you. Notice there was no finger pointing. And in the event that voices do get raised, agree on game plan. One person needs to call a timeout. You can have a hand signal, or it can be a verbal call for timeout. During a time out, both parties need to move to separate rooms for at least 30 minutes. The goal is for each person to be able to cool off so that when you return, the conversation will be calm and respectful.

As usual, use prayer to guide and affirm mutual respect. When you have a joint goal, boundaries seem easier. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston learn to enforce boundaries while maintaining connection.

Overcoming Guilt and Fear Around Boundaries

Many wives are afraid to set boundaries or even talk about boundaries because they fear that their husbands will think less of them. Boundaries are not to push your husband away. Rather, boundaries are to give him a roadmap so that he can avoid triggers, love you deeper, respect you and help you feel truly cherished. They aren’t selfish. On the other hand, when you don’t know your own limitations, it’s hard for someone to love you well. Because no one knows what you need unless you tell them.

As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, my job is to guide you in understanding that God calls us to love wisely, which includes protecting emotional space.

The Long-Term Benefits of Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Setting boundaries could feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, having the difficult conversations can strengthen your marriage. Once you get these boundaries out of the way, your spouse gets to understand you better, you’re not nearly as triggered, and you’ll find that the arguments will reduce. Boundaries are a way to communicate clearly, deepen trust for one another and promote greater emotional safety.

When you know each other’s boundaries, you know how to take care of each other, how to talk to one another, how to hep each other through the hard things. Consistent use of boundaries, guided by faith, creates a sustainable path for conflict resolution and intimacy.

Do arguments in your marriage often escalate or leave you feeling unheard? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples set healthy, faith-based boundaries that protect communication and strengthen connection. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and start fostering a calmer, more loving marriage.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/9/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/9/25

Turning Arguments into Opportunities for Growth | Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Arguments don’t have to push you apart—they can bring you closer. Learn how to shift conflict into growth, deepen understanding, and strengthen connection in your relationship. Discover tools to communicate with care and build lasting intimacy. Read my full blog now!

Why Conflict Can Be a Gateway to Growth

Arguments. Nobody likes them. They put you in a foul mood, you might shed a tear or two, and too many arguments will definitely drive a wedge in your marriage. What if conflict can actually be a way to strengthen your marriage?

Arguments do not have to do harm. You can dissect them, decide what led to the argument, take responsibility for your actions, then repair. You can also put systems in place so that you can return to ensure that the issue is actually being worked on. An argument simply reveals areas where your marriage needs more work. So instead of taking it personally, you and your spouse can act as detectives- get to the root of the problem, then tag team to get rid of the weeds before they completely destroy your marriage.

In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn to reframe conflict as a natural part of relational growth. Think of it this way- you and your spouse are different. You have different upbringings, you work in different areas, you have different genders, different strengths, and you see the world differently. So naturally, you have times when you see things differently. Conflict is a unique opportunity to learn more about your spouse then decide how to navigate those differences. It’s a way to promote deeper understanding. So if you play your cards right, conflict can strengthen your marriage.

Identifying the Root Cause of Arguments

The first step in learning how to utilize conflict as a tool for deeper understanding of your spouse, is first getting to the root cause of the argument.

Let me first say that many arguments in marriage don’t really make a whole lot of sense. Couples argue about what brand of ketchup to buy, who left the living room lights on and other random things that wouldn’t hold any weight in the next 3 years. If you’re not going to care about something in 3 years, don’t argue about it. You have to learn how to pick your battles. You also have to learn how to compromise, lose sometimes and just seek peace. I’m not talking about being passive or a doormat- I’m talking about maturity.

Okay le't’s dive into how to use arguments for marital growth.

After an argument, I would encourage the both of you to spend some time thinking about what happened. What was the statement or situation that led to conflict? And don’t blindly blame your spouse. Try to take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Because it takes two to argue. Very rarely is conflict only one person’s fault. What emotions led to the breakdown?

For example, maybe you were tired and irritable, and because of this, something that ordinarily would not have bothered you, became a huge deal.

Or maybe you are holding on to past hurts. Perhaps your husband did or said something a year ago to break your trust, but you’ve never addressed it. So on the surface, it sounds like you’re arguing about the grocery bill, but really you are finding it difficult to trust his judgment because of what he did last year.

Stress is another big trigger. You’re in the thick of busy season at work, the school year is full steam ahead, and your plate is too full. Rather than renegotiating your roles in the household, both of you decide to go at each other’s throats instead.

Ask yourselves, “What is this argument really about?”

Sometimes arguments are about miscommunication. I find that married couples suck at communicating clearly. My rule for clear communication goes like this: ‘If a complete stranger who doesn’t know anything about you walks into the room, and she heard your conversation, will she be able to translate your statement exactly how you meant it?’ For example, if you say “Put a bit of salt in the meal,” that could be misconstrued as a pic or 1/4 teaspoon or 1 teaspoon. A complete stranger won’t be able to tell.

So say what you mean.

My job as a Black Christian therapist in Houston is to help married couples uncover underlying issues rather than just addressing surface arguments. Let’s use wisdom every time we address conflict. James 3:17 says “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”

Practical Steps to Learn from Every Argument

After you have uncovered the cause of the argument, it’s time to take responsibility. The thing that sinks marital ships is pride. Everyone holds on to the idea of being right until marital strife overtakes the home. Take some time to reflect on what you did wrong. Did you communicate in an unclear manner? Did you snap at your husband because you were tired? Did you sweep past hurts under the rug and now it all just exploded on you?

After both of you have decided what your roles were in the conflict, share it with one another using “I” statements. Your job is to reflect on your own part, not to point fingers at your spouse. You have to trust that you are married to a grown adult who is capable of taking responsibility for his own actions. The goal isn’t to shame each other either. Your goal is to learn so that you’re not repeating harmful conflict cycles that could endanger your marriage. Ensure that you apologize for your role in the conflict. The goal of an apology is to mend hearts.

After this, talk about what you will put in place to ensure that the conflict cycle is broken. What triggers will you stay away from? Pray together about the situation and ask God for wisdom. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston practice these strategies to move from blame to understanding.

Building Empathy Through Conflict

Understanding your spouse is the key to turning disagreements into opportunities for connection. When your spouse is talking to you about his perspective, it’s important to listen. Don’t argue with him about his feelings. Because everyone’s feelings are valid. Listen carefully and try to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you were experiencing what he is going through? After you listen, validate his experience. Validation isn’t about agreeing, it simply is a way to help him know that you see him. Say something like “I can understand why you would feel that way.”

Ask yourself where you went wrong and how to make it better. If you’re not sure how to make it better, ask him and ensure you listen and take notes for next time. There’s no reason why you both have to trigger each other in the same way every single time. Empathy goes a long way in reinforcing love in a marriage. Try to understand each other and use it as a tool to connect with each other. When your spouse talks about his hurts, it helps you understand his heart much better, as well as his expectations and what triggers to avoid.

As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, I teach couples how empathy, combined with faith, creates stronger emotional intimacy. The key is to focus the needs and emotions of your spouse so that you know how to engage with him/her. Consider the scripture: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3–4).

Making Growth Through Conflict a Habit

Sometimes it feels like drinking from a fire hose. So to integrate what you’re learning from discussions with your spouse, consider keeping a journal where you can track triggers to stay away from, improvement you see in your marriage, as well as reflections about yourself. You can write down your feelings, topics for further discussion with your spouse and agreements you’ve made with your spouse. If you treat your marriage like it’s serious business, you’ll get serious results. You can even track prayer points and scriptures to meditate on.

Consistent practice strengthens both communication and spiritual connection in marriage. As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I notice that some people take their marriages very lightly. They don’t have deep discussions, they don’t know the things that trigger themselves or their spouses, and they don’t take responsibility for their actions. But if you are consistently tracking the work you are both agreeing to pour into your marriage, it’s only a matter of time before you see progress in your marriage. Great marriages don’t happen by chance, they are a result of intentional, consistent actions.

Do arguments in your marriage leave you frustrated or distant? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples turn conflict into growth, deepen their connection, and communicate with grace. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and begin transforming disagreements into opportunities for intimacy and understanding.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/2/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 9/2/25

How to Pause Before Saying Something You’ll Regret | Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Do you ever wish you could take back words said in the heat of the moment? My blog explores how to pause before reacting, offering simple tools to manage emotions, communicate with care, and protect your relationships. Read now to learn how to respond, not regret.

Why Pausing Can Save Your Marriage from Unnecessary Conflict

Your husband comes back from the store- without the 3 most important items that you asked him to get for dinner tonight! You emailed him, you texted him AND you told him verbally! It’s almost 6pm, you’re already behind on dinner preparation. The kids are getting antsy, you just wanted to whip up a quick dinner, put the kids to bed and finally have some time to yourself. But because of his mistake- yet again- you find yourself rushing into the car, back to the grocery store to grab 3 simple items.

You want to start screaming. You’re actually so mad that you could cry. And if you did, it won’t be totally shocking. But if you did, he’ll get defensive, he might blame you, you’ll both go back and forth, and dinner will still be late. Only now, you’ll both be in a foul mood.

Many conflicts happen in marriage because couples react before thinking. A huge trigger presents itself, reminding you of the past, and you instantly blow your lid off. Now you’re both trapped in the yelling or silent treatment trap. What good does it do? Nothing.

A scripture that speaks to this is Proverbs 15:28 – “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.”

Ouch.

Yelling is probably not righteous or kind. And I know you definitely do not want to be wicked or evil.

Heavy words.

The silent treatment is probably not righteous or kind. I can assure you that even though you are completely at your wit’s end with this situation [or whatever other situation you’re currently facing], yelling will only make it worse. Finger pointing will not get dinner cooked any faster. It also won’t rewind time and get the correct dinner ingredients.

Enter marriage counseling in Houston.

My job as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston is NOT to have you eat your feelings or pretend like you’re not upset. It’s also not to take you husband’s side, (because he totally should be able to get 3 simple ingredients from the grocery store). But my goal is to teach couples how to create intentional pause moments to respond with love instead of anger. You get to express your frustration, you get to tell him what’s on your mind, but you learn how to do it without creating a crack in your marriage.

Understanding Emotional Triggers That Lead to Hurtful Words

Marriage can sometimes feel like a battle field. You wake up in the morning and you feel like between your husband and your kids, bombs are thrown at you constantly. Here are some common triggers I’m sure you might have experienced:

Stress: This is a big one. You’re juggling your life as a wife, keeping the home together, managing your husband’s needs, continuing to meet your goals as an entrepreneur or an employee, volunteering at church, engaging in ministry, trying to keep your physical and mental health afloat- the list is endless! You already feel like you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So it is little wonder why you snap at the smallest thing. Because that small thing is the actual straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Past unhealed wounds: You’ve been married for a while, and sometimes you wonder if you even still love your husband. Whenever you look at him, you are reminded of past ways in which your trust has been broken, respect has dwindled and you are beginning to feel like “Why am I even here? What’s in this for me?”
Unmet expectations: When you got married you thought things would go one way, but things have taken a different turn. You didn't think things would be this hard. Maybe you thought your husband would be more like your dad- or less like him. But it turns out you find yourself in the very marriage you said you didn’t want.
Feeling Unheard: Just like in the previous example, you get tired of repeating yourself over and over again, of him leaning on you for things you think he should be able to do himself, but you not being able to lean on him. And you are also tired of your feelings going invalidated. You feel invisible and sometimes, unloved.
If you can identify with the above trigegrs, never fear, help is near. As a Black Christian therapist in Houston I help wives and husbands identify personal triggers and respond from a place of grace. We won’t sweep them under the rug, rather we will be able to address them, you’ll learn how to respond to them appropriately, so you can stop stepping on each other’s toes.

Practical Techniques for Pausing Before Responding

If you have found yourself yelling, snapping at or being rude with your spouse one too many times, here are some simple tips to help you pause before responding. Remember that your response will either improve your relationship or put a crack in it. You choose the one that you want.

Take a deep breath: Sometimes all you need is a few seconds between hearing your spouse say something triggering and opening your mouth to respond. A deep breath gives you a few seconds to rethink what is about to come out of your mouth. Breathe in deeply for 4 seconds, then breathe out for 4 seconds. Try to repeat this 4 times. This gives you at least 32 seconds to gather your thoughts.
Ask yourself this before responding:
- “Is my statement kind or is it wicked?”
- “Will my statement repair my relationship or attempt to rip it apart?”
- “Will my statement help my spouse or shatter him?”
- “Will I regret this response tomorrow?'‘
Request a short break before responding: Do not feel the pressure to respond to everything in real time. Sometimes you have to take time to reflect, gather your thoughts and actually craft a good response. And this takes time. Carve at least 30 minutes for this. When you are in a time out, don’t spend the time thinking about how upset you are. Rather, think about what you want to add to the relationship. Thinking about your upset will only increase it.
Pray silently for guidance before responding: This is the most important one. Before you open your mouth to respond in the heat of the moment, say a silent prayer for wisdom and guidance. Nobody is wiser than the Holy Spirit. He will get you right every single time.

If this seems difficult or impossible, the couples I work with in Christian marriage counseling in Houston practice these strategies until they become natural habits. I’ll guide you and help you learn how to communicate effectively with your spouse- yes, even in the heat of the moment.

How Pausing Transforms Conflict into Connection

Keyword: Black marriage counselor in Houston
Explain how pausing reduces escalation, opens space for empathy, and strengthens emotional safety.
A Black marriage counselor in Houston teaches couples how to use pause moments to listen actively and respond constructively.
Scripture: Proverbs 17:27 – “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.”

If you find yourself feeling impatient at the idea of pausing, know that it reduces escalation. Imagine how many arguments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings could be prevented if only you or your husband took the time to pause and reflect before speaking. Taking a pause also gives space for empathy. Sometimes you rush to judgment before thinking things through.

Sometimes you snap at your spouse simply because you’re tired or stressed. Other times pausing allows you to better understand what your spouse meant. Sometimes you respond before even understanding your spouse’s intentions or point of view.

Pausing can also strengthen emotional safety. When you know that your spouse is mature enough to give you compassion when you fall, and also provide you with grace and understanding, you feel more loved. And someone who feel loved I swore likely to also give more love. We need to give space for humanity in our marriages.

My job as a Black marriage counselor in Houston is to teach couples like you how to use pause moments to listen actively and respond constructively. Communication is an art form that very few people do well. With some simple tweaks your marriage can be transformed in a few weeks.

I’ll leave you with this scripture- “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered” Proverbs 17:27.

Making Pausing a Daily Habit in Your Marriage

Be patient with yourself. Communication is an art form that is learned over time. If you and your spouse are willing, you can absolutely learn healthy skills that will help you feel loved, respected and heard. One way to incorporate pausing in your daily life is to begin with daily check ins. Ask each other these 2 questions each day:

How did I help you feel loved/respected today?
How can I do better tomorrow?
If the above questions don’t feel deep enough for you, perhaps you can do regular, longer check ins. These can work once a week or even once a month. Go over what you appreciate about one another (I’m a fan of starting and ending on a positive note). Make sure you use specifics. Also talk about 1 thing you think your spouse can do better. When you do this, focus on just 1 thing. Don’t sound harsh or degrading. Feedback should always be done in love. You can also include what you appreciate about one another. Catch your spouse being loving. Never fail to send him or her texts of appreciation. And if you want to take it old school. write a handwritten note too.
Make sure you pray before these discussions so they don’t go left.

Do arguments in your marriage leave you feeling frustrated or distant? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples learn how to pause, respond with grace, and turn conflict into connection. Book your free 15-minute consultation today and start creating a calmer, more loving marriage.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are: