When Communication Feels Impossible: A Christian Wife’s Guide to Being Heard Without Starting a Fight

Why Christian Marriages Still Struggle with Communication

Sometimes Christians falsely believe that their marriages are going to be extremely easy and they will not face any challenges. We sometimes romanticize the perfect marriage with the white picket fence. This does not exist anywhere. Rather, healthy marriages are usually a product of work, faith and consistency. Most couples who are in healthy marriages have actually mastered the art of communication and friendship. Simply being a Christian but not implementing your Christian values is not going to lead to the perfect marriage that you've dreamt about.

You sometimes believe that your husband will automatically understand you and give you what you need without you actually communicating it with him. Being a Christian doesn’t automatically delete your personality, your family background, traumas you’ve experienced in the past and much more. Being a Christian also doesn’t automatically give you the ability to read your wife’s mind. Your husband only gets to know you through good communication.

Sometimes it is difficult for high achieving Christian wives to express their needs in marriage because they're so used to carrying a heavy load, that it is uncomfortable for them to share it with their husbands. Perhaps for some women, they grew up with a lot of responsibility and nobody ever checked up on them. It is the idea of the strong woman who carries everybody on her shoulders, but nobody stops to see if her shoulders are hurting. And maybe they have tried to express their needs once or twice, but it proved futile. So they just stop asking altogether.

The fear of conflict also plays a role. Maybe you grew up in an environment in which things were swept under the rug. Or maybe you were criticized for asking for what you needed. Or maybe nobody ever asked you about your needs, so you assume that your needs are unimportant. Perhaps you have asked your husband in the past for what you want, and he has ignored you or follow through haphazardly. So this is an issue of trying again. Learning to trust him again. And if you are married to an intellectual, strong willed man, your faith doesn't cancel out the need for effective communication. Rather it necessitates it.

The High-Achiever’s Dilemma: Strong in Every Area but the Marriage

There are a lot of women who are highly accomplished professionally and personally, are the top of the careers, manage large teams, are great mothers, they do lots of philanthropy and community work, but they feel completely unseen at home. This can come with a lot of guilt and shame. Because you are a big deal outside of your household. But you feel invalidated and unseen within your household. It is an awkward dilemma that begins to eat at your self-esteem. The world tells you that you are great, but the person whom you want to hear that from most of all acts like you are nothing.

And when you are somebody who is used to achieving at a high-level and managing large teams, sometimes you feel like you should be able to figure your marriage out by yourself. “After all, billions of people around the world are married and they seem to be figuring it out, so why should I need help?”

Wrong.

We can use your career as an example. Chances are you did not teach yourself everything. You went to school, you had mentors, you have colleagues, you also have lots of resources that you refer back to in order to perform at the high level that you do. You did not figure your career out by yourself. Even in the motherhood sphere, chances are you do have resources to help you.

So then why is it that in your marriage you suddenly assume that you should have it all figured out? That is simply unrealistic. Nobody who has a healthy marriage is figuring things out on their own. They utilize their resources. They work on their friendship and communication day in and day out. They make mistakes, they have arguments, but they have been able to learn how to push past the arguments and learn one another.

You probably might also be over functioning in your marriage. At work, you easily delegate tasks to people and you’re great at time management. But in your marriage, it is difficult for you to ask for what you need. It is also difficult for you to trust your husband to carry some of the physical and mental load with you. From your husband's perspective, he thinks that you're doing all things well. You make everything look easy. But from your perspective, you are resentful, you are tired and you just want some help. The problem is that you are not speaking his language, and he is not speaking yours as well. So you're both living divergent lives, rather than parallel lives.

You are at the point of burn out. You might feel as if it will take you more time to ask for what you need than to get it done yourself. While this might seem like a good approach, in the long run it will only increase your resentment and drive a wedge between you and your husband. There will be a learning curve. If your husband has not been used to picking up his fair share of the load, he will drop the ball a lot of times, but as he has more practice, things will get better. You also will learn how to let go of perfectionism, ask for what you want and put yourself back on the burner. Because you matter.

Faithful and Frustrated: Communicating Without Disrespecting Your Values

One of the most important aspects of communication between spouses is being able to be kind but assertive at the same time. Assertiveness simply means that you are just as important as your husband. Being passive means that you are unimportant and your husband is important. And aggressiveness means that you are important, but your husband does not matter. We want to obviously be assertive – both of you are equally important.

It is also important to be able to regulate your emotions. Before you say something important to your husband, take a time out. Take some deep breaths, journal, call a friend who is great at communicating and who is also clear headed. Get your frustration out, cry, take a nap, do whatever it is that you need to get yourself back to baseline.

Then ask yourself why you are upset. This will help you in your communication with him. One you know the deep reason why you are upset, you’ll be able to tell him. Ensure that you watch your body language. Harsh body language will probably beget even more harsh body language. But soft body language and soft words will probably increase the chances of your husband being able to take in what you are saying. Let him know that you're about to say something that is important and that his undivided attention is needed. Pick the right time. Don’t delve into an important topic just before bedtime or when he’s working or tired. And of course watch your tone of voice. You would not want anyone yelling at you, so don't do that.

The interesting thing is that your one is also learning appropriate communication from you. As he begins to change the way you communicate with him, hopefully rub off on him. Remember that the Bible talks about speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), so it is OK to tell him what is actually going on. It is OK to let him know that you are in burn out. But it is not OK to be insulting or condescending towards him. Remember to do want to others as you would have them do onto you.

Lastly, James 1:19 says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.“

Ready for Change? Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Can Help You Be Heard

If you are ready to lay down your burdens and begin to trust your husband today, then perhaps marriage counseling in Houston is the right next step for you. Marriage therapy with me simply looks like teaching you practical tools that you can use to rebuild the friendship in your marriage. You will learn very easy but effective communication tools that you and your husband can use to begin to teach each other about each other.

You will learn what to do when things escalate. You will learn what to do when things feel awkward. You will learn how to move past those persistent arguments that have been coming up over and over again in your marriage. And the best thing about it is that we can break old generational cycles while honoring your biblical values. Because I am deeply convinced that God wants us all to have happy, healthy marriages. After all, God is the one who created the institution of marriage and we know that everything that He creates is good.

Even take a deep dive into your family background and upbringing, because so often we are carrying the burdens of our fathers and mothers, without even knowing it. And so it is important to look at family cycles of behavior that do not belong to us and to finally break it so that your household becomes a much more peaceful place. When you work with a Black Christian therapist who gets it you do not have to explain yourself too much. Because I get it. I must also warn you that therapy with me is not all serious. Sometimes I throw in a joke or two, because levity is important when we are healing.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage. Remember that you are not a bad wife, you are just simply somebody who needs support.
Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.



About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

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Struggling to Speak Up? A Christian Therapist in Houston on How to Ask Your Non-HSP Husband for What You Need