Struggling to Speak Up? A Christian Therapist in Houston on How to Ask Your Non-HSP Husband for What You Need
Understanding the Struggle: Why Asking for What You Need Feels Hard in Your Marriage
When you are a highly sensitive woman married to a non highly sensitive man or vice versa, it could feel like being married to an alien. While you might enjoy regular quiet time alone, you find him making all the noise and wanting to do more and more. While you want to process your feelings daily within the last inch of its life, he is fine giving you a one sentence answer at the end of the day. He wonders why seemingly small things bother you, or why you ruminate so much. You often feel as if he is cold, aloof and unfeeling, and he in turn, sometimes feels as if you are dramatic, you care too much and you don’t like people. And over time, you stop sharing your thoughts and feeing so much, you begin to process your day on your own, and you stop inviting your spouse into the deepest depths of your heart. While he has no idea that you have pulled back, you do, and it is building into resentment.
But whether you are highly sensitive or not, the Bible does lead us to use our listening ears very well. James 1:19 says "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Notice how the scripture says everyone. Not ‘highly sensitive people’ or ‘husbands’ or ‘wives.’ Everyone should strive to listen twice a much as they speak. Even as a highly sensitive person, sometimes you get so swept up in your own emotions, your plans and your life, that you totally forgot to enter into your husband’s world. If he is not great at opening up, perhaps you could ask multiple follow up questions to help engage him in a dialogue. And let him know that your questions are for connection, not for interrogation.
How to Communicate Your Needs: Practical Steps for HSPs in Marriage
Even if your husband is not a highly sensitive person, chances are he does love you- after all why did he marry you? He might express his feelings in a different way than you, but remember that he does indeed love and care for you. The problem is he might not know how to love you in the way that you need, just like you might struggle to love him according to the way he needs. The solution is in communicating your needs effectively- so that he can begin to understand how he can serve you, ad you can also do the same for him.
Here are some practical ways to begin to build that bridge:
Take time to reflect before speaking. Think of times in the past when you and your husband were on the same page. What was special about it? Write it down. I find that reflecting on the positive- what you actually want and what has worked- is actually so much more effective than reflecting on what is broken in the relationship.
Time your conversations appropriately. It doesn’t matter what you say, but what matters is how you say it. Your tone, your attitude, your timing, your mood all play a great role in the success of a conversation. Let your spouse know that you want to talk to him about something important, and pick a time when both of you can be engaged and focused on the conversation. Put away electronics and other distractions.
Use “I” statements: I talk about this all the time because it helps to create an environment where both parties are open and it also puts defensiveness at bay. When you talk about “I” statements, the focus is on your experience, as opposed to pointing the finger at your partner. Most people are more than willing to hear you when you're focusing on your opinion and your emotions. When the conversation starts to move into blaming and insulting the other person, expect him to shut down.
Encourage your spouse: I believe in using the sandwich method, this is a way of communicating in which you can you talk about one good thing that your spouse has done, then in the middle you talk about the thing that you actually need or that you were trying to correct, and then you finish the conversation with another positive thing that your spouse has done. Because depending on how sensitive your spouse is or how strange your relationship is, sometimes if all your spouse ever hears about himself is what he's not doing well, this can feel very intimidating and demoralizing for him. But when he's here and more positive than negative, he is more likely to be open to correction.
And of course in the spirit of Christian marriage counseling in Houston, it is important to bring everything back to the Bible. Matthew 18:15 says “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.” You can poojtn out his fault in a gentle, loving and calm way. Being offended is not an excuse for rudeness or bad behavior. Remember that 2 wrongs don’t make a right.
It might seem intimidating to utilize these skills on your own-especially if things are already tense at home, so that is why I am here. I guide my clients to develop practical communication skills through Christian marriage counseling in Houston. We get to practice together, I model healthy communication and you’ll get lots of homework so that you are practicing at home too.
Addressing the Fear of Rejection: Trusting God in the Vulnerability of Asking for Your Needs
One big reason why many highly sensitive women or even non-highly sensitive wives do not ask for what they want from their husbands is that they are afraid that they will be rejected. They feel like they have asked for what they want 1 million times and nothing has been done. They sometimes also feel as if their husband no longer loves them.
But remember that your feelings are not facts. If your husband does not love you, then why did he actually marry you? So sometimes we have to remove the illogical from our minds so that the practical can step forward. Practically, chances are that your husband does actually love you, but because of life, because you both have different personalities and temperaments, because of past hurts and pain, both of you have simply started to live divergent lives. And through Christian marriage counseling, we can hopefully work together to get the both of you back on track so that you can have the marriage that God intended for you. If we have to refer to Isaiah 41:10 it says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Remember that God is the creator of marriage and His desire for all of us to he happily married as long as He is in the center of it. Please remember that God is with you in your vulnerability and he also is your strength.
But you must also take action and do the vulnerable thing, which is to speak up and ask for what you want. Regardless of past hurts. Couples I have worked with have been able to overcome this fear by leaning on their faith and finding support through Christian marriage counseling. They have been willing to accept that they do not have this marriage thing completely figured out, but they are willing to learn new skills and try things out in a different way. You hav ego too approach your spouse with courage and grace.
Why Working with a Black Christian Therapist in Houston Can Help You Speak Up and Strengthen Your Marriage
If your marriage has been struggling for a while, or if you feel like things could be better, it might be time to seek professional help. Now the scary statistic states that the average person who goes to marriage counseling waits at least six years from the start of their problems before seeking help. That is scary.
In six years you can attain both a bachelors and a masters degree, and in six years a newborn is in first grade. Imagine all of that time wasted when you could easily have a professional teach you the communication skills that you need to take your marriage to a deeper level. As a Black therapist in Houston who is also a Christian marriage counselor, it is important that I am able to help my Christian clients incorporate a biblical, faith perspective in their communication. It is also important that there is cultural understanding, so that I'm not asking you to become somebody that you are not. In fact, in your marriage and in our sessions, I like to dive into your differences in upbringing, your different personalities and if one of you is highly sensitive, I like to also educate the both of you about how high sensitivity plays an important role in one's communication style and attachment style.
Both of you are not supposed to be identical twins, but chances are you are struggling in your marriage because you are trying to have your spouse look just like you and vice versa. My job is to teach you how to have empathy, but also assertively ask for what you need. I also constantly remind you of your shared perspective as a couple. We cannot forget what brought you two together.
I believe that God has called us to love understand one another, and this is very important in a healthy marriage. Would it not be important for your couples therapist to share your faith and cultural background so that I can offer a deeper support and guidance? In my therapy approach we collaborate to create a new culture in your marriage that respects your individual differences as well as your biblical values. Because I believe that we cannot separate the word of God from who we are as husbands and wives.
Are you ready to embrace your sensitivity and strengthen your marriage with faith-based support? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with a Black Christian therapist in Houston today, and take the first step towards open, loving communication in your relationship.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: