Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston: How to Ask Your Non-HSP Husband for What You Need (Without Feeling Guilty)
Understanding the Role of Vulnerability in Marriage: A Christian Perspective
When God designed marriage, He expected both the husband and the wife to be sacrificial and loving to one another. To love another is to be vulnerable and open with him/her. Afterall, can anyone ever know you well if you do not open yourself up to him? As a Christian marriage counselor, one of the struggles I see in married couples who are facing challenges is that the break in trust immediately affects their vulnerability. And the less vulnerability a couple has, the further apart they seem to drift.
Husbands are called to love their wives the way that Christ loved the church and laid down His life for her. Christ was beaten, insulted, spat upon, tortured and killed. And even though He knew this was going to happen, He happily descended from heaven, put on the body of a human and agreed to this. I’m not saying that husbands are going to be tortured, but I’m saying that marriage involves vulnerability and sacrifice. You will have days when you want to give up, days when you cry, days when you feel sick, and days when your wife will see you at your weakest. It is in these moments that she can help lift you up.
And for wives, we are commanded to respect our husbands. Even though our husbands are not perfect, and we will not always agree with their every move, the art of respect involves putting pride aside, biting your tongue sometimes and listening to his side. Respect involves being empathetic and trying to ensure that his needs are on the burner too. It implies selflessness.
A Highly sensitive woman knows what vulnerability is- because she feels and thinks deeply. She can utilize this superpower to be her best self as a wife. When you sense that your husband is having a difficult time, rather than brushing it off, use it as an avenue for connection. When you sense that you have hurt him, apologize and put pride aside. A loving husband will see that you are trying to extend an olive branch, and he will put his pride aside too. This type of mutual respect helps to continue to build trust, intimacy and closeness.
Take a moment to ask yourself how you feel about vulnerability currently in your marriage. Are you open to ask for what you want? Or are you hiding? Is pride a factor in your marriage, or are you willing to peel off the layers so your spouse can see you? If vulnerability is still a struggle in your marriage, reach out to me- a Black therapist in Houston.
Why Asking for What You Need Doesn’t Make You Weak: Debunking the Myth of "Self-Sufficiency"
We also are urged not to do anything out of “Selfish ambition” or “Vain conceit.” We are to “Value others more than yourself.” (Philippians 2:3-4). This means within the context of marriage, your spouse is your priority. You are not so focused on yourself that you forget your spouse. Rather, there is room for you to seek ways to meet your spouse’s emotional needs too. Sometimes we are going through such a difficult time that we forget that our spouses even exist. If both parties are so focused on the other’s needs, the marriage will naturally be a success. But the problem is we clamor for our way to prevail, without considering our spouse.
But we know that we do not always live up to the above ideals. So when you find that you are struggling in your marriage, when the pride has taken hold of you, when the vulnerability has dried up, and you feel like you just can’t take it anymore, it is time to reach out to your spouse. In Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, it speaks to the importance of two people working together, supporting one another, helping each other up if they fall and keeping each other warm when they are cold. You are not meant to run your marital race alone. Marriage is a team sport and this is the ultimate goal of Christian marriage counseling in Houston.
As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I find that people are always communicating their needs to their spouses. The problem is that their spouses either don’t understand their style of communication, or their style of communication is much too harsh and off-putting to the spouse. Here is a simple way to ask for what you need.
Take some time to actually ask yourself what you need. Focus on what emotions are coming up for you and what your spouse can do to support you.
Pick an appropriate time when you and your spouse aren’t distracted, frustrated or busy.
Let your spouse know that you require his/her undivided attention to discuss something important. If you desire eye contact, please say so.
Use this simple framework: “I feel [insert feeling] because [state why clearly and directly]. Here is what I need [state the need plainly.” For example “I feel sad because we no longer have date nights. What I need is a monthly date night where we put our phones away and talk about us.”
You might feel weird the first few times you practice, but after a while, it will begin to feel comfortable for both you and your spouse. Vulnerability is a strength because it helps you control your anger and other big emotions. Vulnerability is also the only path to true connection in your marriage.
How to Express Your Needs Without Guilt: Practical Tips for Communication
How you say things is sometimes even more important than what you say. In a healthy marriage, you should be able to state your opinions clearly, however you should keep your spouse’s feelings and needs in mind. Proverbs 15:1 states “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.“ A big part of being a married Christian is being able to be self controlled in your speech. Your words can either tear a person up of break him/her down. Choose life always. If you feel as if both you and your spouse are too heated or hurt for a calm exchange, then save your words for after things have calmed down.
“I statements” are very helpful when you are trying to express yourself without having your partner feel like you are blaming him. Putting the focus on you helps your husband better understand what you need and what is going on internally for you, rather than wasting your energy on blame games and defensiveness strategies. Instead of saying “You are a liar,” You can say “I felt hurt when I was told that the game was cancelled, even though it was still on.” The latter sounds a lot softer and is less likely to instigate trouble.
Remember that vulnerability is the only path to connection in marriage. When you are stating your feelings, put aside the self talk that worries about being misunderstood or rejected. One great way to get your spouse to better understand your perspective or emotions is to use the speaker/listener format. When you are speaking, your spouse’s job is to listen to understand- not listen to respond.
After you have spoken, ask your spouse to reflect back what he has heard, so that you both ensure that he heard you accurately. If he reflects back inaccurately, rather than arguing or saying “You never listen,” just simply correct him and have him reflect once again. It is a lesson in listening, patience, maturity and vulnerability. You’ll hear a lot about patience and vulnerability during Christian marriage counseling in Houston.
It is very common for Highly sensitive people to feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, tired and like shutting down when they are involved in high conflict situations, so here are some statements for you so that your spouse will know when it’s time for a time out or when to bring things down:
I feel overwhelmed.
I’m scared because our voices are raised.
I’m too tired from my long day at work to have this discussion now. Can we have it when we wake up so we a both refreshed?
I want to be able to have a respectful conversation with you, but I see we are too heated. Let’s take a 30-minute time out and regroup.
I need some more time to process what we have just discussed. Can you please give me an hour?
I’m overwhelmed and I’d like some alone time to decompress.
As a Black therapist in Houston, one of my greatest joys is helping couples restore warmth, softness, communication, friendship and intimacy in their marriages.
The Power of Faith-Based Therapy: Healing and Growth in Christian Marriage Counseling
Marriage is not innately difficult. The problem is that it has been given a bad rap. I find that most couples either have never witnessed a healthy marriage, or they were never taught how to have a healthy, open communication style that is devoid of selfishness and defensiveness. It is my job as a Christian therapist in Houston to help you heal from past hurts and trauma that you have experienced in your marriage. We serve a God who is full of compassion and grace, and so it is our job to learn how to have compassion and grace with our spouse as he/she is working through past hurt and pain. Part of the process also involves admitting your mistakes, apologizing and making it better. If two committed people are able to learn the foundational skills for marriage, it will e smooth sailing for the most part.
As a Black therapist in Houston, I am able to take your background, personalities, cultural norms, idiosyncrasies, Christian values and emotional needs into consideration when we are working together. I know that no two marriages are the same, which is why I dig deeply and get to know you and your spouse before trying to fix anything. My goal is to uproot longstanding problems so that the same old problems stop coming up. I am aware that most couples are having the same issues over and over again.
I give you a safe space to process emotions and break through communication barriers. There is something about having a third party who is not a friend, really listen to you, teach you how to listen and hep you communicate all the things you have buried for years. My job as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston isn't to throw scriptures at you, to assume about your life or preach to you. Rather, my job is to take a deep look at your marriage, figure what is working, as well as what isn’t, then give you practical tools to fix what is broken. You will essentially be creating a new culture in your marriage. Therapy is a tool God can use for healing and to create stronger marriage relationships.
Ready to Take the Next Step? Scheduling Your Free Consultation with a Christian Therapist in Houston
If you have been experiencing communication issues, trust issues, frustration, hurt and pain in your marriage, do not wait any longer. I’m quite sure you have tried everything you have at your disposal to make things work. It might be time to reach out to a Christian marriage therapist in Houston who is equipped with the skills, training and experience to improve your marriage before things worsen. In addition to the above, my job is to also provide you with the spiritual and emotional support. Because I know that you want to run your household the biblical way. I know it is important that you are rooted in your values. And that is exactly what therapy with me is.
If you’re a bit nervous to dive into marriage therapy, that’s okay. We can schedule a free 15-minute consultation call in which I find out a but more about your needs, your areas of struggle and what you’re looking for in a therapist. I also give you the opportunity to ask questions about me, my process, my experience, my practice- or pretty much whatever it is you need to know. During the call, you, your spouse and I can decide whether or not we think we are a great fit. Because the single most important factor in the success of therapy isn’t in the therapist’s degree, but it lies in the goodness of fit between the therapist and the client. My approach is gentle, but firm. And I do individualize every session to meet your needs.
Are you ready to strengthen your marriage through faith-based support? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with a Black therapist in Houston today and begin your journey towards deeper connection and understanding.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: