Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston: How to Reconnect When You Feel Emotionally Distant from Your Husband
Recognizing Emotional Distance in Your Marriage: A Biblical Perspective on Connection
Think of your marriage like a flower garden. At the beginning, everything looks lush, green and beautiful. people on the outside even come to admire it, but over time, if the garden is not tended to, if the plants are not watered, if they are lacking in air and sunlight, the once healthy flowers will begin to wither. And if care isn’t taken, the plants could die.
Marriage is not a one and done situation. If you wish to have a healthy marriage, you must put in the work to ensure that your marriage is thriving. Because over time, emotional disconnection shows up. Some subtle ways to know that you and your spouse are emotionally disconnected are:
Your conversations are focused on housekeeping, rather than your lives. You talk about the bills, the grocery order and other people, but neither of you know each other’s hopes, dreams or fears.
Your physical intimacy starts to get less and less desirable. It eventually halts or you both sweep it under the rug.
You stop being each other’s best friends. You might not even argue. You just stop sharing the inside jokes and fun conversations.
You stop doing the small things you once enjoyed- watching a show together, praying together, going to church together, having deep discussions about podcasts, cuddling, taking walks together, etc.
You find that you are happy or relieved when your spouse leaves the house or has to go on a trip.
When your emotional connection starts to wane, it also negatively affects your communication with each other. You find that arguments and short tempers gradually creep in. You start to attribute negative intention for you spouse and assume that he is trying to be hurtful towards you. You start to walk on eggshells and just generally feel uncomfortable expressing ourself in a vulnerable way.
It is time to assess the status of your relationship. Has the love grown cold? Do you still rush to update your spouse on the happenings of your day? Or would you rather keep it to yourself? Do you still trust your spouse with your heart?
Even though Jesus was not married, he shared a deep love with His disciples. We saw him share His joys with them, we saw Him even ask them to keep watch and pray for Him on one of the most difficult nights of His life. We even saw Him appear to them after He resurrected so they could have some comfort. This is an example of what our love should look like- sharing the different sides of you with the one you love.
Christian marriage counseling in Houston, not only helps you come up with an accurate assessment of the state of your marriage, but we will work together to create a stronger foundation so that we can heal what happen din the past and create deeper intimacy in the present.
Understanding the Root Causes of Emotional Distance: Trusting God with Your Marriage
Emotional disconnection is probably the most common reason why people seek me out for Christian marriage counseling in Houston. So, what causes emotional disconnection? Here are some reasons:
Unresolved conflict: Sometimes couples simply sweep conflict under the rug. They know that there's an issue that needs to be resolved, but perhaps they were raised in a family where issues were swept under the rug and then everybody came back together much later, pretending that it never happened. Or maybe you struggle to resolve conflict because of the emotional pain it will cause to talk about the issue. Or perhaps you have tried to resolve the conflict and it caused an argument, but since you are averse to arguments and difficulty, you just stopped trying out of frustration and sadness. After a long time, this doesn't actually solve anything, it drives you further apart from your spouse.
Unmet emotional needs: Many married people spend so much time thinking about themselves and their needs, but they are not actually sure what their spouse needs and how their spouse needs to be loved. We often will treat people how we want to be treated. Now while this is actually biblical, because Jesus treated everybody with love, kindness and gentleness, if you notice, he healed people in different ways – according to their own individual needs. He even spoke to people differently. To some people he was a little bit harsher, to others He was speaking in parables, and to others He was just plain and clear. He knew what each person needed.
So the most important thing in marriage is learning what your spouse actually needs, learning his temperament, knowing his past, knowing his hurts, staying away from triggering him and knowing how to apologize when you have caused damage. Listen to what your spouse is actually saying, rather than assuming his intentions.
Lack of communication: I am sure you have heard this one before. Most people speak just to respond, rather than to listen and understand. Before you jump to actually saying your point of view, ensure that you understand the emotions behind your words as well as what the purpose of communication actually is. Communication is not supposed to win fights. Good communication is supposed to strengthen your love and improve intimacy.
Pride: Sometimes pride gets in the way of apologizing, admitting that you are wrong or taking responsibility for your actions. Remember that your spouse is not your enemy. You and your spouse are fighting on the same team, so humble yourself and do the right thing.
God has called us to love and respect one another. And in fact we are called to submit one to the other. This means marriage is not a one man or a one woman show. Both of you must walk together. Amos 3:3 says “Do two walk together
unless they have agreed to do so?“ That is one of the biggest struggles in marriages that both people want to walk, but everybody wants to be the leader. And their style of leadership is often by force as opposed to through humility.
Here is some homework for you. Write down five key issues that have been causing distance in your marriage. Don't just jot them down hurriedly. Write them down deeply and specifically. Start to pray over those issues. If you feel comfortable, ask your spouse to do the same thing and then you can bring those issues in to a Christian marriage counselor for deeper guidance. It is important to pray, be in The Word and also seek the advice of wise counsel. Proverbs 19:20 sates “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise“
Practical Communication Tips for Rebuilding Emotional Intimacy in Your Marriage
Most of us have not been taught effective communication skills. We mostly watched our parents and family members either argue or just ignore each other. Most of us also weren't spoken to with respect by the people around us, so we took those bad habits and transferred them into our marital homes. Here are some practical communication strategies for you:
Only one person speaking at a time. When you are having a difficult conversation, it is important to listen carefully and maybe even take notes, so that you catch everything your spouse is saying.
Put your emotions on hold for a moment. When your spouse is speaking, the spotlight is on him alone. Rather than being in your feelings, take a second to truly be empathetic with him. Ask yourself “What is he feeling in this moment?” “Why is he feeling this way?” “How have I contributed to these feelings?”
Ask for clarification. When you are trying to resolve an issue, there will be a lot of misunderstanding. Ask your partner to speak slower, so you can catch everything he is saying. If there is something you are not understanding, ask for clarification. But do not ask as if you are fighting. Ask with a genuine level of ciruosuty.
Apologize and take responsibility. When you realize your role in the argument or communication breakdown, it’s time to apologize. Be specific: “I am sorry for…” Please do not say “I am sorry you feel that way.” Say what behavior you participated in that led to the hurt or breakdown.
Say what you need. After the apologies and acceptance of responsibility, say what you need and what both of you need to do to prevent this situation from coming up again the the future.
The Power of Prayer and Vulnerability in Healing Your Marriage
Prayer and vulnerability are often ignored, but they are powerful tools for healing in a marriage. Through prayer, all types of chains break, the Holy Spirit convicts you, and you begin to see the actions you need to take. Prayer also brings a couple closer because in prayer, you both are able to hear the secret cries, pains and challenges that you otherwise eowudl not have known existed within your partner. Prayer softens the heart, God is pretty great at turning hearts of stone into hearts of flesh- that is if we are willing to go along with Him on the journey. James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.“
When we are able to bring our sins to our spouses, not only is a weight lifted off us, but they can look at us through the eyes of grace and mercy. When you work with me- A Black Christian therapist in Houston, I guide you into how to regain the emotional connection you once had with your spouse. You will learn to listen, how to be more empathetic, how to communicate your needs in a way he can hear and understand, and how to regain friendship.
Once we’ve done this, you and your spouse may now talk about the longstanding issues that caused you to drift apart in the first place. A softened heart is more capable of listening, understanding and forgiving than a heart that is hard as a rock.
If you find that hardness has overtaken your heart, pray together and ask for guidance, healing, and strength to work through your emotional disconnection. If you’re not sure what to pray, use this as a starting point:
“Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing my spouse and I together. Forgive us for the times in which we have been cold hearted, angry or cruel to one another. Please soften our hearts. Show us how to really love one another. Helps us to be connected physically, emotionally and spiritually. May our marriage bring you glory forever. In Jesus’s name. Amen.”
5. How Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Can Help Rebuild Emotional Connection
Sometimes when you are going through emotional distance with your spouse and other relationship struggles, hiding it might feel like the natural thing. But please do not. A Black Christian therapist in Houston come provide culturally relevant, compassionate support for you and your spouse. In marriage therapy you can learn how to embrace vulnerability, and be guided towards healing through faith and important therapeutic strategies. There is such a big need for a godly counseling in our marriages, so please do not suffer in silence.
If you’re ready to reconnect emotionally and spiritually with your spouse, Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation with a Black therapist in Houston today, and take the first step toward healing and deeper intimacy in your marriage.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
