When Talking Leads to Nowhere: A Christian Therapist in Houston on Communicating with a Non-HSP Husband
Understanding the Emotional Divide: Why Highly Sensitive Wives and Non-HSP Husbands Struggle to Connect
In some marriages, the wife is a highly sensitive person, while her husband is a non-highly sensitive person, or vice versa. We can characterize these marriages as a mixed sensitivity marriages. And in some cases, not only is the other spouse non-highly sensitive, he also is somebody who is not in tune with his emotions or may be a little bit abrupt in the way he communicates. This can leave you feeling frustrated and constantly invalidated. Perhaps your husband is a very logical person who likes to do things with the highest efficiency, but he often overlooks the importance of tapping into his emotions and focusing on softness. This is probably one of the reasons why he does not understand the depth of your emotions and I promise you that this is OK. Because even though he is not highly sensitive and he's not fully tapped into his emotions, he can learn how to be empathetic with you.
The key is active listening.
The Bible sums it up nicely: "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." (James 1:19). Once we learn how to stop making assumptions, really tap in to the emotions that your spouse is feeling and take time to address those emotions, then you and your spouse will feel a lot closer. You do not necessarily need to have a depth of emotions to be able to empathize with others. But if you grew up not engaging with the emotions of others, or disregarding emotions, it will feel like a new skill for you and you do have to be humble enough to learn it.
As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, it is my job to help you navigate these differences with grace. Just like it is difficult for you to understand how your husband has lived this long without tapping into the depth of his emotions, it is also difficult for him to understand how you have lived this long by tapping into the depth of your emotions. His way of doing things is not necessarily wrong, just like your way of doing things is not necessarily right- they're just different.
When both of you learn how to truly listen to each other, and suspend speech, you will find that your level of understanding of one another will quickly increase- thereby reducing anger and arguments. And yes, you will learn all of this if you work with me for marriage counseling in Houston.
Expressing Your Needs Clearly: Biblical Wisdom for Effective Communication
When you are having a conversation with your spouse, it is important to remember that this is somebody you love (I know you might not always feel this way). This is somebody you made a covenant with in the presence of God and men, and it is imperative that you treat each other with love and respect. The goal of communication is to strengthen the relationship, not to tear it down. Each word you speak has to be spoken with clarity- not expectation or judgement. You must say what you mean, but not say it in a mean way.
I often tell my marriage counseling clients that my standard of clear ocmmnciation is this:
If a stranger walked into the room and heard your statement, could he/she immediately know your needs and intentions without you explaining them further?
So say what you mean. If you want your husband to take you out for dinner, say exactly that. Don’t beat about the bush. "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" - Matthew 5:37. No need for more.
Here are some simple communication guidelines:
It is important to humble yourself when you're speaking to your spouse.
Never assume that you know everything or you know what his/her intentions are. If you're not clear on what his/her intentions are, then simply ask.
If you feel that the communication is hurtful, say exactly that. Remember the old eye for an eye in the Bible? Do not repay your spouse anger for anger.
When your spouse is saying something mean, your job is to respond with something nice. I also say to my clients, two people do not belong on the crazy train. If your spouse jumps on the crazy train, it is your job to jump off.
When you notice that communication is beginning to heat up or escalate, it is time to call for a time out.
You have to have a great amount of humility to implement these principles, but these are simply biblical ways to live. It is your job to live in peace with as many people as you can if it is up to you. Always put it upon yourself to be a peacemaker. Eventually your spouse will come around too. If both of you are actively working towards peace, repaying harshness with softness, apologizing, taking responsibility for your actions, your marriage will be amazing.
When you work with me- a Black therapist in Houston, you not only learn effective communication skills that help with empathy, validation of each other’s feelings and conflict resolution, you also will be provided with culturally and spiritually aligned support. Because without biblical principles, it will be impossible for you to thrive in your marriage. We do not have to separate your culture and values when we sit in marriage counseling or therapy.
From Misunderstood to Heard: Creating a Safe Space for Emotional Vulnerability
One of the struggles of high sensitivity is you are so used to being told to tone things down, that you spend the rest of your life being a chameleon. You tone down your feelings, you tone down your reactions to things, and you keep a lot of thoughts to yourself for fear of judgment or being misunderstandood. But remember that your husband is supposed to be the closest person to you. When he married you, he probably noticed that you were deeply empathetic and you did notice a lot of small details that he might've missed.
I'm pretty sure that even though you felt like you did a good job of hiding who you were, he noticed most of those traits and he still decided to do life with you- because he very much enjoyed those same traits that you were hiding. The problem with hiding your traits is that even though you feel like you have found acceptance, there is a frustration and exhaustion that happens when you have been in hiding for a long time.
It is time to stop being afraid of being “too much” for your husband. My number one suggestion is to be vulnerable with him and let him know that you sometimes feel like you are too much. If he is a loving man, he will be able to affirm you and let you know that you are just enough. There is no such thing as a person who is too much, because you were created to be highly sensitive and God does not make mistakes.
No two people are the same. And people often say that opposites attract. Even though we often pick people who share similar values and want to do life in a similar way than us, there is no way to pick a spouse who is exactly like you. And part of love is providing emotional safety for your spouse. It is important for you and your spouse to create space for each other in the marriage. Each person will think a little differently and do things differently, but “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7. Love fights with you, not against you. True agape love holds your hand while you are in the storm and seeks to find understanding.
An excellent Christian marriage counselor in Houston can help you feel seen and valued in your marriage. I will take you back to the beginning and remind you of your values. You will learn how to have a greater understanding of one another, then be able to communicate what you need, when you need it, in a way that your spouse can understand and integrate. No more guessing games.
When Words Fall Short: Non-Verbal Ways to Strengthen Your Connection
One of the basics of marriage is learning each other's love love languages. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our unmet needs, that we forget to even think about what we are providing for our spouses. It is important to be able to love your husband in the way that he feels appreciated, not according to the way you feel appreciated. Sometimes it's important to take a step back and think about things from his perspective, then begin to explain things in a way that makes sense for him.
Sometimes we think our way is the best way, because you're probably a high-performing, super responsible, highly sensitive woman. You sometimes expect things to be done according to your standard and sometimes that might leave your husband feeling isolated and left behind. So when you are able to understand the way he experiences you and the way he experiences the marriage, you'll be better able to meet his needs. Selflessness is a big part of deep love.
Sometimes you need to go back to the very beginning. Remember your shared faith. Faith based practices like prayer and shared devotional time can also foster intimacy because as women we have deep needs. Our needs are physical, spiritual, environmental, social, and of course, emotional. A deep connection to God can greatly improve your connection with one another. Because when you are in the word of God together, it not only humbles the both of you, but it also convicts your hearts and creates a level of selflessness that is needed to love each other the way God loves us.
As a Black Christian therapist in Houston, one of my jobs is to help you integrate faith and cultural wisdom in your marriage. From time to time I will check you, and remind you how what you're doing is currently not in alignment with the word of God. Of course I'll never say this in a harsh way and I am never judging you, but my job is to create room for the Holy Spirit to do His work.
Finding Support: How Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Can Help You Thrive
If you are ready to end the constant cycle of arguing about the same things over and over again, then maybe it is time to reach out for help. God provides help and he also sends people to do His work. Sometimes you have to exercise your faith by reaching out and learning new skills and new ways of thinking. Seeking therapy is an act of faith- faith that God can still restore what has been broken. Remember the Word of God says "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed." - Proverbs 15:22.
The benefit of working with a Black therapist in Houston who understands both faith and cultural dynamics is that you do not have to feel like you are losing your soul. We can work on improving the closenesss and intimacy in your marriage without leaving your values behind.
Are you ready to feel truly heard in your marriage? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with me- a Black therapist today.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
