Christian Therapist for women with anxiety and trauma throughout CA &amp; TX

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 6/3/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 6/3/25

When Talking Leads to Nowhere: A Christian Therapist in Houston on Communicating with a Non-HSP Husband

Struggling to connect with your non-HSP husband? This warm guide from a Christian therapist in Houston offers hope, clarity, and tools for deeper understanding. A must-read for HSP women navigating emotional disconnection. Read my full blog to feel seen and supported.

Understanding the Emotional Divide: Why Highly Sensitive Wives and Non-HSP Husbands Struggle to Connect

In some marriages, the wife is a highly sensitive person, while her husband is a non-highly sensitive person, or vice versa. We can characterize these marriages as a mixed sensitivity marriages. And in some cases, not only is the other spouse non-highly sensitive, he also is somebody who is not in tune with his emotions or may be a little bit abrupt in the way he communicates. This can leave you feeling frustrated and constantly invalidated. Perhaps your husband is a very logical person who likes to do things with the highest efficiency, but he often overlooks the importance of tapping into his emotions and focusing on softness. This is probably one of the reasons why he does not understand the depth of your emotions and I promise you that this is OK. Because even though he is not highly sensitive and he's not fully tapped into his emotions, he can learn how to be empathetic with you.

The key is active listening.

The Bible sums it up nicely: "Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger." (James 1:19). Once we learn how to stop making assumptions, really tap in to the emotions that your spouse is feeling and take time to address those emotions, then you and your spouse will feel a lot closer. You do not necessarily need to have a depth of emotions to be able to empathize with others. But if you grew up not engaging with the emotions of others, or disregarding emotions, it will feel like a new skill for you and you do have to be humble enough to learn it.

As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, it is my job to help you navigate these differences with grace. Just like it is difficult for you to understand how your husband has lived this long without tapping into the depth of his emotions, it is also difficult for him to understand how you have lived this long by tapping into the depth of your emotions. His way of doing things is not necessarily wrong, just like your way of doing things is not necessarily right- they're just different.

When both of you learn how to truly listen to each other, and suspend speech, you will find that your level of understanding of one another will quickly increase- thereby reducing anger and arguments. And yes, you will learn all of this if you work with me for marriage counseling in Houston.

Expressing Your Needs Clearly: Biblical Wisdom for Effective Communication

When you are having a conversation with your spouse, it is important to remember that this is somebody you love (I know you might not always feel this way). This is somebody you made a covenant with in the presence of God and men, and it is imperative that you treat each other with love and respect. The goal of communication is to strengthen the relationship, not to tear it down. Each word you speak has to be spoken with clarity- not expectation or judgement. You must say what you mean, but not say it in a mean way.

I often tell my marriage counseling clients that my standard of clear ocmmnciation is this:

If a stranger walked into the room and heard your statement, could he/she immediately know your needs and intentions without you explaining them further?

So say what you mean. If you want your husband to take you out for dinner, say exactly that. Don’t beat about the bush. "Let your yes be yes and your no be no" - Matthew 5:37. No need for more.

Here are some simple communication guidelines:

It is important to humble yourself when you're speaking to your spouse.
Never assume that you know everything or you know what his/her intentions are. If you're not clear on what his/her intentions are, then simply ask.
If you feel that the communication is hurtful, say exactly that. Remember the old eye for an eye in the Bible? Do not repay your spouse anger for anger.
When your spouse is saying something mean, your job is to respond with something nice. I also say to my clients, two people do not belong on the crazy train. If your spouse jumps on the crazy train, it is your job to jump off.
When you notice that communication is beginning to heat up or escalate, it is time to call for a time out.
You have to have a great amount of humility to implement these principles, but these are simply biblical ways to live. It is your job to live in peace with as many people as you can if it is up to you. Always put it upon yourself to be a peacemaker. Eventually your spouse will come around too. If both of you are actively working towards peace, repaying harshness with softness, apologizing, taking responsibility for your actions, your marriage will be amazing.

When you work with me- a Black therapist in Houston, you not only learn effective communication skills that help with empathy, validation of each other’s feelings and conflict resolution, you also will be provided with culturally and spiritually aligned support. Because without biblical principles, it will be impossible for you to thrive in your marriage. We do not have to separate your culture and values when we sit in marriage counseling or therapy.

From Misunderstood to Heard: Creating a Safe Space for Emotional Vulnerability

One of the struggles of high sensitivity is you are so used to being told to tone things down, that you spend the rest of your life being a chameleon. You tone down your feelings, you tone down your reactions to things, and you keep a lot of thoughts to yourself for fear of judgment or being misunderstandood. But remember that your husband is supposed to be the closest person to you. When he married you, he probably noticed that you were deeply empathetic and you did notice a lot of small details that he might've missed.

I'm pretty sure that even though you felt like you did a good job of hiding who you were, he noticed most of those traits and he still decided to do life with you- because he very much enjoyed those same traits that you were hiding. The problem with hiding your traits is that even though you feel like you have found acceptance, there is a frustration and exhaustion that happens when you have been in hiding for a long time.

It is time to stop being afraid of being “too much” for your husband. My number one suggestion is to be vulnerable with him and let him know that you sometimes feel like you are too much. If he is a loving man, he will be able to affirm you and let you know that you are just enough. There is no such thing as a person who is too much, because you were created to be highly sensitive and God does not make mistakes.

No two people are the same. And people often say that opposites attract. Even though we often pick people who share similar values and want to do life in a similar way than us, there is no way to pick a spouse who is exactly like you. And part of love is providing emotional safety for your spouse. It is important for you and your spouse to create space for each other in the marriage. Each person will think a little differently and do things differently, but “love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:7. Love fights with you, not against you. True agape love holds your hand while you are in the storm and seeks to find understanding.

An excellent Christian marriage counselor in Houston can help you feel seen and valued in your marriage. I will take you back to the beginning and remind you of your values. You will learn how to have a greater understanding of one another, then be able to communicate what you need, when you need it, in a way that your spouse can understand and integrate. No more guessing games.

When Words Fall Short: Non-Verbal Ways to Strengthen Your Connection

One of the basics of marriage is learning each other's love love languages. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in our unmet needs, that we forget to even think about what we are providing for our spouses. It is important to be able to love your husband in the way that he feels appreciated, not according to the way you feel appreciated. Sometimes it's important to take a step back and think about things from his perspective, then begin to explain things in a way that makes sense for him.

Sometimes we think our way is the best way, because you're probably a high-performing, super responsible, highly sensitive woman. You sometimes expect things to be done according to your standard and sometimes that might leave your husband feeling isolated and left behind. So when you are able to understand the way he experiences you and the way he experiences the marriage, you'll be better able to meet his needs. Selflessness is a big part of deep love.

Sometimes you need to go back to the very beginning. Remember your shared faith. Faith based practices like prayer and shared devotional time can also foster intimacy because as women we have deep needs. Our needs are physical, spiritual, environmental, social, and of course, emotional. A deep connection to God can greatly improve your connection with one another. Because when you are in the word of God together, it not only humbles the both of you, but it also convicts your hearts and creates a level of selflessness that is needed to love each other the way God loves us.

As a Black Christian therapist in Houston, one of my jobs is to help you integrate faith and cultural wisdom in your marriage. From time to time I will check you, and remind you how what you're doing is currently not in alignment with the word of God. Of course I'll never say this in a harsh way and I am never judging you, but my job is to create room for the Holy Spirit to do His work.

Finding Support: How Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Can Help You Thrive

If you are ready to end the constant cycle of arguing about the same things over and over again, then maybe it is time to reach out for help. God provides help and he also sends people to do His work. Sometimes you have to exercise your faith by reaching out and learning new skills and new ways of thinking. Seeking therapy is an act of faith- faith that God can still restore what has been broken. Remember the Word of God says "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed." - Proverbs 15:22.

The benefit of working with a Black therapist in Houston who understands both faith and cultural dynamics is that you do not have to feel like you are losing your soul. We can work on improving the closenesss and intimacy in your marriage without leaving your values behind.

Are you ready to feel truly heard in your marriage? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with me- a Black therapist today.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 5/20/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 5/20/25

Christian Therapist in Houston Shares: Why Communication Feels So Hard in a High-Sensitive & Non-Sensitive Marriage

Why does communication feel so hard between a highly sensitive and non-sensitive spouse? A Christian therapist in Houston offers insight into the emotional disconnect and how couples can begin to bridge the gap with compassion. Read my blog to explore a new path forward—together.

Understanding the Communication Struggles in a High-Sensitive & Non-Sensitive Marriage

High sensitivity can be characterized by these 4 elements.

Depth of processing: Spending a lot of time and energy to think about or process what goes on inside your body and in your external environment.

Overarousability or Overstimulation: Because you notice so much going on within and outside of you, you feel burned out by the end of the day. It feels like sitting in a room full of people and all of a sudden you want to either run away from the room or go somewhere to take a nap. Your body works so hard that the energy drains from you quickly.

Emotional reactivity and empathy: You feel the emotions of others deeply. Sometimes you struggle to know if your emotions are yours or if they belong to the other person. And because of this, you react to thing and people who trigger your emotions perhaps in a bigger way than non highly sensitive people.

Sensing the subtle: You notice pretty much everything- subtle changes in the body language of others, a slight shift in the smell of the room, the fabric tag that lays at the back of your neck and even slight changes in temperature and texture.

And with all the above constantly going on within the highly sensitive person, your non highly sensitive spouse has no clue why you retreat, or suddenly goes quiet when you are at a party, or might want to avoid social interactions on the weekend if you’ve already had a full week.

Being highly sensitive can sometimes feel like you are drinking from a fire hose all the time. You notice every little detail while trying to focus on having a simple conversation with your spouse. And so you might appear distracted or it might look like you are not processing what he is saying fast enough. This can of course end up in disagreements and arguments. Or when something big is bothering you, but your spouse says “It’s not a big deal.” In that moment, you feel completely dismissed.

Why Feeling Dismissed Hurts More Than You Think (And What to Do About It)

When you go for months or even years without feeling heard and seen in your marriage, anger, bitterness and maybe even resentment can come in. This worsens if you feel as if you are really good at understanding your husband’s point of view, but the sentiments aren’t returned. Eventually it might lead you to withdraw, rather than leaning in to him like healthy couples do. You start to wonder if he loves you at all. When you feel misunderstood and unheard, it could also lead you to lose your temper or yell, so that you can be heard more. But ironically, yelling leads to disconnection.

Over time, this unchecked frustration can eventually lead to distance and resentment. When you feel offended by a statement your husband made, rather than turning to him to fix it and give you more context, you swallow it up and assume the worst of him. We call this ‘Negative sentiment override.’ It’s essentially the idea that you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’ve experienced so many negative or invalidating statements from your spouse, that even when he is trying to understand you, you assume the interaction will be negative. Your guard is up.

This is where I come in. My role as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston is to teach couples how to communicate with empathy and patience. I teach you how to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, so that you can develop the empathy to understand his thoughts and feelings. I teach you how to turn the negative sentiment override into a positive sentiment override in which you assume the best of your partner and he does the same of you. You learn active listening skills so that we can reduce misunderstandings and arguments. You also learn what to do when disagreements happen, so that they do not escalate into full-blown arguments.

Biblical Wisdom for Bridging the Communication Gap in Marriage

Listening is one of the most fundamental skills to master in marriage. Most people are actually quite poor listeners. When spouses are talking, we often are so focused on our emotions or how to respond, that we miss key parts of their statements. When you respond after missing a key part of a person’s statement, your response is pretty much based on a fallacy. But if you're able to take your time to listen to not only the words that are coming out of his mouth, what your understanding is, why he's saying the things that he's saying, and the emotions behind it, then your response will be all the more complete and it will lead to closeness in your relationship. The Bible even says in Proverbs 18:13 "To answer before listening – that is folly and shame.”

The first step in expressing your needs is actually picking the right time and context. If you are already feeling extremely upset and your emotions are heightened, it will affect the conversation you have with your spouse. So if you feel yourself getting to your boiling point, ask for a time out. Let your spouse know that you need some time to calm down and reflect.

Timeouts should be at least 30 minutes long because it takes most people at least 30 minutes to get to a place where they can speak calmly and rationally, but also respectfully. After the time out, use the speaker/listener format. Let your spouse know that you wish to unburden some things from your heart and you would like him to give you his undivided attention. He can even take notes if he needs to. There's nothing weird about it. Taking notes helps you capture important information and it helps you come to a place of deep understanding of your spouse.

When you're done saying what you need to say, ask your spouse to reflect back what he heard. If what he heard was accurate, then you may continue the conversation. If what he heard was inaccurate, your job is to correct what he heard, but without arguing. Just correct the statement without saying inflammatory things like “See? You’re just a bad listener.” Or “Why can’t you get it right?”

Once you feel understood and you have gotten things off your chest, you also repeat the same thing for your spouse. Listen to his point of view as you take notes, allow him to correct the parts that you did not hear or misunderstood, and then finally both of you can come to a conclusion of how to move forward. It is a slow process but it is very effective and respectful.

As a Black Christian therapist in Houston, it is my job to teach you how to come to the place of understanding and friendship in your marriage. My job is to show you how to talk to each other with respect, while maintaining the lightness and fun that marriage can bring. You will learn how to listen, take responsibility for your actions without being defensive, and work with your spouse to come up with plans for the future so that you have no longer having the same old arguments over and over again. Your marriage becomes a place of peace and cooperation. Counseling with me is not only from a cultural perspective, but from a biblical foundation.

The Spiritual Benefits of Seeking Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Sometimes you might feel like when you are having struggles in your marriage and you turn to marriage counseling, then it means that you are giving up or saying that your marriage is over. That is not the case. Proverbs 11:14 says "Where there's no guidance, people fall, but in an abundance of counselors, there is safety." We have to remember that God can heal our situation by bringing professionals and other people around us to give us godly counsel. If you feel like you and your spouse have been struggling with the same issue for years, perhaps it's just time to stop marching around Jericho and ask for help.

As a Black therapist in Houston, I take so much pride in helping couples heal from past relational wounds while standing firm in and deepening their faith. There's no reason why we should have to remove our biblical standards from our marriages, rather, it is those biblical standards and values that will help build your marriage. The skills that I teach are right in line with the Bible. We will talk about appropriate roles and rules in the household, how to take reposnsibility when you mess up, how to be humble and listen with intention, how to love your spouse the way he/she wants to be loved, how to repair when things get messed up, ways to deescalate a tense situation, how to strengthen trust, intimacy and friendship. What’s more biblical than creating a solid foundation in your home?

Essentially what we are doing in our marriage counseling work is realigning your marriage with God's design for healthy, Christ centered communication. And we know that a solid marriage will help you grow together and give you greater peace of mind.

Take the First Step Toward a Stronger, Healthier Marriage

What if there is a great way to strengthen both your relationship and your spiritual walk? Through the process of marriage counseling, you learn how to submit one to another. You learn how to treat each other with affection and care. You also learn how to embrace your appropriate roles and work together as a complementary team. You learn how to settle disagreements easily, and how to give each other a measure of grace and forgiveness. Another important piece of marriage counseling is taking responsibility for your actions without excuses. All of these things are simply the way we are to live as Christians. And so you learn to work out your faith one day at a time through your marriage.

As a Christian therapist in Houston my job is simply to be your guide. I provide biblical and practical tools for better communication. Sometimes when you are in the midst of the storm, you cannot see clearly. What you need is a third-party who wants your marriage to succeed. And that third-party can come in and show your blindspots. I step in to strengthen your relationship, so that you and your spouse can finally become marriage experts.

Ready to break the cycle of miscommunication in your marriage? Schedule your free 15-minute consultation for marriage counseling with a Black Christian therapist in Houston today!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 3/4/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 3/4/25

Handling Conflict Gracefully: Tips for Highly Sensitive Women in Christian Marriages

Conflict in marriage can feel overwhelming, especially for highly sensitive women. This blog offers faith-infused guidance to navigate challenges with grace. Learn how Christian marriage counseling Houston can support you, with insights from a Black therapist Houston. Read more for encouragement!

Why Conflict is a Natural and Healthy Part of Marriage

Let's talk about conflict. Most people marry someone who is quite different from them. It makes sense. No one is attracted to a clone of themselves. We usually will pick someone who possesses qualities that we lack. So if we’re shy and quiet, we might be attracted to someone who is extroverted and the life of the party. Because they have that spark that we might be lacking. And that same partner might be attracted to you because they enjoy how calm, level headed and grounded you are.

Now problems happen when your extroverted, rambunctious, life of the party spouse, wants you to hang out with the friend group every day after work. Or when your shy, homebody spouse wants to cuddle up in a blanket and watch Netflix every day after work. You see, there’s nothing wrong with the above wants and needs. Conflict only happens when we are unable to understand the other person’s needs and therefore unable to come to a compromise.

If conflict is managed well, it will actually strengthen your motional bond with your spouse and give you some great opportunities to truly understand his point of view. When you understand your spouse’s point of view, validate their feelings, seek to get more understanding, then make adjustments that work for the both of you, it is such an amazing opportunity to grow together and form an even deeper connection in your marriage. In other words, all conflict isn’t bad.

How to Stay Calm During Arguments When You're Highly Sensitive

During an emotionally charged argument, you might find yourself crying, yelling at the top of your lungs, or generally shutting down and unable to speak. You see, all conflicts do not have to get to this point. Remember that sometimes, conflict is the only way through. When there is a big issue that is threatening to separate or damage your relationship with your spouse, ignoring it won’t make it go away. In fact, it might drive a much larger rift between the both of you.

When you are in the heat of the moment, take a few deep breaths. Doing this can help send a signal to your brain that you are not in crisis. A conflict is not necessarily a crisis. It’s just a way to get to the point of deeper understanding with one another. So here are some techniques to keep you calm when you’re in an argument.

Deep breathing. Put your palm on your belly so that you can notice the flow of air. When you take a deep breath in, the air in your belly should push your palm out. Imagine nice, calming air flowing into your lungs. Hold this for 4 seconds. Then gently and slowly push out all the air for 4 seconds. This should pull your palm in. Repeat this about 4 times. Taking deep breaths helps calm the body so that you don’t need to scream or act out in a way that you will regret later.
Grounding exercise. Grounding is simply a way to temporarily distract yourself from the ongoing conflict and connect your mind back with your body. There are many ways to ground yourself, but here is one simple way. While your spouse is talking, scan the room. In your head, name 5 things you can see (like “rug, pillow, couch, tv and shoes”). Then name 4 things you can hear (e.g “cars, the ac, my spouse’s voice, the tv”). Next, name 3 things you can smell (e.g. '‘lavender essential oil, the dog, food”). Next, name 2 things you can touch (e.g the couch, the socks on my feet). Lastly, name 1 thing you can taste (leftover dinner). It doesn’t matter how many you name and in what order, just as long as you take a few seconds to pull away from the ongoing conflict.
Reframing. Sometimes when you are involved in a conflict with your spouse, you tend to blame yourself for everything. And in these times it's important to reframe. Ask yourself if your thoughts are actually true. What is the evidence of this being true? And what is the evidence that this is false? It is very rare that conflict is solely caused by one person. Usually, both people have a small role to play. It is OK to take responsibility for your part in the conflict, but what is not OK is for you to consistently blame yourself for everything.
Time out. And when you feel like the argument is going nowhere or you have tried some of these tools to no avail, ask your spouse for a time out. All you need to say is “I am feeling very overwhelmed at this moment” or “I am feeling like I'm about to shut down” or “I am feeling like I'm about to explode. I don't want to do or say anything that would be disrespectful to you or myself, so let us please take a 30 minute time out and come back at 4 PM.” Once you say this, just get up and go to a different room. Respectful spouse will not follow you. Let them know that this is not you being disrespectful to them, but a timeout is actually you trying to cool off so that you can come back and have a logical conversation with him.
Setting Boundaries in Marriage: A Guide for Sensitive Women
Before you even get into a conflict in your marriage, it is important to discuss how you will manage conflict. Put some rules on the table. Here are some examples:
- No name calling
- No cussing
- No yelling
- No gaslighting or manipulation of any type.
  You can have conflict and still be respectful with the other person. If one partner is feeling like someone has broken the rules, there should be space to be able to let the other partner know so that an apology will be made. It is important that there should be no defensiveness for healthy communication, whether it is best to take responsibility for what you have said what you have done.
- Another good boundary to have is that while one person is speaking, the other person must listen, then reflect back what they have heard. The next step is to make sure that your partner has verified that what you reflected is actually what he/she said. You cannot move on until the conversation has been clarified.
  One of the biggest problems that couples make is that they jump to conclusions without actually fully understanding what their partner means.
  Having rules for fair fighting or rules for conflict actually creates deeper intimacy, and a stronger bond between couples. When you know that your spouse gives you the space to disagree with them, out your feelings and they actually care about your emotions, then you feel so much safer and you're more likely to open up to them. You both know that you are on the same team and that mutual respect is a big part of the relationship.
  Turning Conflict into Growth: Strategies for Christian Couples
Conflict really happens when one or both people feel like their needs are not being met. So this is an opportunity for you to find out more about your spouse’s needs, their expectations in the relationship, as well as how your communication styles differ. So look at it as a learning process. Conflict is not a bad thing.
When your spouse and you differ on something, pick the right time to discuss the issue. Literally schedule a meeting in which both of you are not tired, not sleepy, and not distracted. Do a speaker/listener format. This means that when one person is speaking, the other person should just be listening. When the speaker is done talking, the listener can reflect back What he or she heard. If the reflection did not sound accurate, then the spouse can read to read what he/she said. This does not have to be painful.
During this time, you can also ask your spouse about how he feels. You can get to understand how your behavior in certain situations is triggering for him or vice versa. Conflict just gives you more information on behaviors to start, behaviors to stop or things to generally look out for. It does not have to be so difficult.
After the conflict is over, it is now time to self reflect. What are some ways that you might be triggering your spouse? What are some ways that your spouse is triggering you? What are some things are going well in the relationship? And what are some things I need to change in the relationship?
How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Help You Navigate Difficult Conversations
As a Christian marriage counselor, it's not my job to interpret scripture for you. My job is to give you specific communication tools and conflict resolution tools so that when conflict has happens, you feel like you are very well equipped to tackle it. The goal is to teach you and your spouse how to be on the same page with the conflict as the common enemy that you're fighting against. You will learn how to listen to each other deeply, you will learn how to apologize when things go wrong, you will learn how to reduce defensiveness, reduce shutting down and how to take a time out in appropriate way. We can do all of this by incorporating biblical principles, so you don't have to go outside your faith.

Ready to handle conflict more gracefully in your marriage? Learn strategies with Christian marriage counseling in Houston, where a Black therapist will help you build stronger communication and resolve issues with confidence. Click here to schedule your free 15 minute consultation call so that we can determine if Christian marriage counseling in Houston is right for you.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 2/25/25 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 2/25/25

Vulnerability as a Path to Emotional Intimacy: A Guide for Highly Sensitive Women

Fear of vulnerability can keep highly sensitive women from the deep emotional intimacy they crave. This guide explores how to gently embrace openness in romantic relationships, fostering trust and connection. Healing takes courage—but you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can help.

The Link Between Vulnerability and Emotional Intimacy

Vulnerability can be a scary word- especially if you have been hurt in past relationships. Some people have been hurt by their parents or caregivers, some have been hurt by friends, and others have been betrayed by exes. When this happens, you begin to feel like the world can never be safe again. But the interesting thing is that vulnerability is the only true path to emotional intimacy and connection in marriage.

When you are vulnerable, it means that you bring your walls down so that your spouse can see the real you. When your spouse can see the real you, then he gets a chance to actually choose you. And when he chooses you and knows you, then he can love you in the ways that you actually need to be loved. But when he doesn’t actually know you, the the object of his love is just a facade. This means he’ll only be able to partially love you. So that scary thing called vulnerability is actually the thing that you need to get to the other side of emotional intimacy in marriage. Being vulnerable is the only way to ever experience the deep, unconditional love that you’ve been craving this entire time. And when you receive unconditional love, your response will hopefully be to return the same level of love. That creates a stronger connection between partners.

Common Myths About Vulnerability and Why They’re Harmful

Some people have a misunderstanding about vulnerability. We equate vulnerability to weakness, lack of intelligence or having poor boundaries. Sometimes we think that vulnerability means that you're not strong. However it does take a certain level of strength to know what your walls are and to intentionally bring them down so that you can receive the love that you know you deserve. It does take a certain level of emotional intelligence to identify someone whom you would like to love you and allow them to love you in the deepest of ways.

When we do not have a good understanding of what vulnerability is, it actually leaves us lonely. This is because if you shy away from being vulnerable with someone, it means that you go through life alone and you might risk never having received true love. You might have lots of friends and even romantic relationships, but without vulnerability, the emotional connection will always be shallow. There will be things you will be unable to share with that person. There might also be experiences that you are too scared to let them have with you. Therefore the relationships will lack emotional depth.

Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability in Your Marriage

Vulnerability does not mean that you just go around telling people your business. It also does not mean that you allow people to hurt you. Vulnerability is an intentional choice. Only people who deserve to see and know the real you are invited to experience your vulnerability.

The first step in knowing who to be vulnerable with is to watch them and ensure that they are actually safe. Safe people typically exhibit safe behaviors over a period of time. Therefore you can only tell who is safe through time and consistency. It's like how in the Bible talks about how you can know who is a Christian by their fruit. A safe person will exhibit safe fruits such as showing interest in you, comforting you when you are down, apologizing when they are wrong, taking responsibility for their behavior, and the relationship will be reciprocal. You can give and take. It’s never one sided.

Vulnerability also starts slowly. Pick something simple to share with the other person and see how they react to it. Do they laugh at you? Do they judge you? Or do you feel completely seen and validated by the person? If someone is worthy of smaller pieces of vulnerability, then you can start building up to the larger things. It takes time. And this has to be reciprocal.

You also are expected to be a safe place for them to land. That means you have to help them feel understood, you have to have moments where you’re soft with them and they have to feel like you accept them for who they are. This is what an emotionally healthy relationship looks like

How to Be Vulnerable Without Feeling Overwhelmed

There's a difference between being vulnerable in an emotionally intelligent way and word vomit. Testing vulnerability does not mean that you have to share every single thing that has happened in your life in one day. Pace yourself. Before you share your first vulnerable thing, take some time to ground yourself. Take a look around the room and identify five things you can hear, four things you can see, three things you can smell, two things you can touch and one thing you can taste. This will get your heart rate nice and slow.

After this, practice out loud how to share the valuable piece of information with them before they even enter the room. Give yourself grace. Whenever you're about to do something different or scary, your body will respond accordingly. Nerves are normal when you're about to do something as important as bringing an emotional wall down.

Also pick the right day and the right time. Only share when you’re truly ready to share and pick a day in which you’re not already overwhelmed with work and too many responsibilities. Prepare the other person for the conversation. Let them know that you are about to share something important, and you would like some support and undivided attention.

How Christian Marriage Counseling Can Facilitate Emotional Intimacy Through Vulnerability

If you have tried being vulnerable and it has not quite worked out for you, then maybe Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help. My job as a Christian marriage counselor is to help you provide guidance and tools to help you connect better with your spouse. My job is to help you learn how to talk to him in a way that he can receive and also for him to talk to you in a way that you can receive. The only way to do this successfully is through vulnerability. I’ll help you both get there. I teach couples how to become safe partners for one another so that you can pretty much share anything with one another. Through couples counseling, you'll learn how to strengthen your friendship, build trust, laugh together again and also talk about the hard things.

If you’re ready to deepen your emotional intimacy and embrace vulnerability, Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist can support you in nurturing a more intimate, connected marriage. Click here for your free 15-minute consultation call.

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 10/22/24 Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali 10/22/24

Why You Should Choose a Trauma Therapist in Houston for Your Healing Journey

You’ve been through so much trauma and pain. All you want is to feel like yourself again, but you have no idea where to start or what to do about it. The good thing is that with the right trauma therapist in Houston, you can indeed experience transformation like you’ve never seen before.

Before you say “Therapy takes too much time and probably doesn’t work,” I’d like to introduce you to a cutting edge method of trauma healing called brainspotting. It can typically cut down the amount of time you spend in therapy, it goes straight to the deepest layers of your brain where trauma and difficult emotions are stored, and you don’t have to give your therapist a play by play of what happened to you if you don’t want to.

What Does a Trauma Therapist in Houston Do?

The role of a trauma therapist is to guide you in a (hopefully) gentle way so that you are able to work through the traumatic memories and digest them. The outcome should be that those memories no longer haunt you, and you begin to feel as close to normal as possible. We do not promise you that your memory would be wiped clean. Nope. But the desired outcome is that you will be able to live a full life, the constant anxiety will quiet down, healthy relationships will be restored and trauma no longer consumes you.

There are many methods of healing trauma. There is talk therapy, in which you discuss the details of the issue over and over again until it no longer bothers you so much. There is talk therapy in which you don’t necessarily have to go into detail, but you work on the after effects of the trauma- not being able to stand up for yourself, avoiding certain things or people, fear, anxiety, irritability, etc.

There is also non traditional therapy (ike brainspotting and EMDR) in which you’re targeting your brain- which is where traumatic memories and feelings are stored.

It is important that therapy be personalized for you. In my practice, I do not use brainspotting for all people. I’m a therapist, NOT a dictator. Some people prefer talk therapy, some prefer a more hybrid model, and some want strict brainspotting. We do what works for you.

Why Brainspotting is a Game-Changer for Trauma Therapy

I love that brainspotting is not only gentle, but it is also effective. You don’t have to jump through a lot of hoops to get started. After the first assessment session, I jump right into it from session 2. I prep you verbally for a few minutes and then I step back to let your brain do its thing.

Brainspotting essentially utilizes your eye gaze to help you target the specific areas of the brain where trauma is stored. Once you gain access, you can now process then digest the trauma.

You see when trauma is stuck in your brain, you feel the effects- jumpiness, tearfulness, anxiety, anger, dissociation, body aches and pains etc. Wouldn’t it be nice to finally clear out those places where trauma has been locked?

It helps you get to the root of the trauma faster. That means less time in therapy and you can go ahead with your happy life sooner.

Why Choose a Trauma Therapist in Houston: The Local Advantage

When you work with a therapist who is local, they get the culture you are a part of. The Houston area is such a unique place that people from other places might just not understand things like how it takes 20 minutes to drive just 5 miles! (Make it make sense).

It is also important to choose a trauma therapist who gets all the other parts of you- ethnicity, religion, gender, marital status, parenting status, etc. Because you have to feel like your therapist is a great match for you- or else, you won’t be able to open up.

I absolutely love working with highly sensitive Christian women who feel like they have to hold their entire family up. I get their unique needs.

What to Expect from Your Healing Journey with a Trauma Therapist in Houston

The therapy processs starts before the first session. You are on Google, trying to find the right fit. With me, I offer a free 15-minute consultation call.

I learn how you want to be supported, what has worked so far, what hasn't worked, and we discuss the way I work. If we decide we are a great match, then during our first virtual session, I get to know you more.

We’ll go through your spiritual, educational, career, relational and emotional background. All these areas help me better understand how to personalize therapy for you.

During the second session, we jump into brainspotting. While using my pointer, we decide what traumatic experience to focus on. You’ll start to process through the event as if it was happening again. You might cry or feel tense while it’s happening, but if you give it some time, you’ll start to feel a sense of relief and peace. Your own body will guide you.

Essentially we open the door in your mind that has been holding back traumatic memories, As you walk through the door, the memories will have less and less of a hold on you.

It sounds more complicated than it really is.

How to Find the Right Trauma Therapist in Houston for You

It is important to pick the therapist you feel most comfortable with. You can do a Google search, use a therapy directory or ask around. Chances are you know a few friends who have seen an amazing therapist lately.

My best advice is to check out the therapist’s website first. This gives you an idea of their personality, their background, training, fees etc. I am biased but I recommend brainspotting if you are specifically trying to work through trauma.

Next, schedule a free consultation call if the therapist offers it. This gives you a chance to hear their voice and ask whatever questions are on your mind. I tend to be a very transparent therapist who sees myself as your guide- NOT your boss. I believe you have the answers if I ask you the right questions.

Don’t forget to ask them how they work. Will you meet weekly? Biweekly? Monthly? Etc. My preference is to see my clients weekly to start with. This helps create some rapid progress.

If the therapist doesn’t work out for you, don’t suffer through it. Simply go through the process again and find someone new. Sometimes it takes a few tries, but the right therapist is out there waiting for you.

Ready to take control of your healing journey with a brainspotting trauma therapist in Houston? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so you can experience the transformative power of brainspotting trauma therapy firsthand!

About Me

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

High achieving women