Christian Therapist in Houston Shares: Why Communication Feels So Hard in a High-Sensitive & Non-Sensitive Marriage
Understanding the Communication Struggles in a High-Sensitive & Non-Sensitive Marriage
High sensitivity can be characterized by these 4 elements.
Depth of processing: Spending a lot of time and energy to think about or process what goes on inside your body and in your external environment.
Overarousability or Overstimulation: Because you notice so much going on within and outside of you, you feel burned out by the end of the day. It feels like sitting in a room full of people and all of a sudden you want to either run away from the room or go somewhere to take a nap. Your body works so hard that the energy drains from you quickly.
Emotional reactivity and empathy: You feel the emotions of others deeply. Sometimes you struggle to know if your emotions are yours or if they belong to the other person. And because of this, you react to thing and people who trigger your emotions perhaps in a bigger way than non highly sensitive people.
Sensing the subtle: You notice pretty much everything- subtle changes in the body language of others, a slight shift in the smell of the room, the fabric tag that lays at the back of your neck and even slight changes in temperature and texture.
And with all the above constantly going on within the highly sensitive person, your non highly sensitive spouse has no clue why you retreat, or suddenly goes quiet when you are at a party, or might want to avoid social interactions on the weekend if you’ve already had a full week.
Being highly sensitive can sometimes feel like you are drinking from a fire hose all the time. You notice every little detail while trying to focus on having a simple conversation with your spouse. And so you might appear distracted or it might look like you are not processing what he is saying fast enough. This can of course end up in disagreements and arguments. Or when something big is bothering you, but your spouse says “It’s not a big deal.” In that moment, you feel completely dismissed.
Why Feeling Dismissed Hurts More Than You Think (And What to Do About It)
When you go for months or even years without feeling heard and seen in your marriage, anger, bitterness and maybe even resentment can come in. This worsens if you feel as if you are really good at understanding your husband’s point of view, but the sentiments aren’t returned. Eventually it might lead you to withdraw, rather than leaning in to him like healthy couples do. You start to wonder if he loves you at all. When you feel misunderstood and unheard, it could also lead you to lose your temper or yell, so that you can be heard more. But ironically, yelling leads to disconnection.
Over time, this unchecked frustration can eventually lead to distance and resentment. When you feel offended by a statement your husband made, rather than turning to him to fix it and give you more context, you swallow it up and assume the worst of him. We call this ‘Negative sentiment override.’ It’s essentially the idea that you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’ve experienced so many negative or invalidating statements from your spouse, that even when he is trying to understand you, you assume the interaction will be negative. Your guard is up.
This is where I come in. My role as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston is to teach couples how to communicate with empathy and patience. I teach you how to put yourself in your partner’s shoes, so that you can develop the empathy to understand his thoughts and feelings. I teach you how to turn the negative sentiment override into a positive sentiment override in which you assume the best of your partner and he does the same of you. You learn active listening skills so that we can reduce misunderstandings and arguments. You also learn what to do when disagreements happen, so that they do not escalate into full-blown arguments.
Biblical Wisdom for Bridging the Communication Gap in Marriage
Listening is one of the most fundamental skills to master in marriage. Most people are actually quite poor listeners. When spouses are talking, we often are so focused on our emotions or how to respond, that we miss key parts of their statements. When you respond after missing a key part of a person’s statement, your response is pretty much based on a fallacy. But if you're able to take your time to listen to not only the words that are coming out of his mouth, what your understanding is, why he's saying the things that he's saying, and the emotions behind it, then your response will be all the more complete and it will lead to closeness in your relationship. The Bible even says in Proverbs 18:13 "To answer before listening – that is folly and shame.”
The first step in expressing your needs is actually picking the right time and context. If you are already feeling extremely upset and your emotions are heightened, it will affect the conversation you have with your spouse. So if you feel yourself getting to your boiling point, ask for a time out. Let your spouse know that you need some time to calm down and reflect.
Timeouts should be at least 30 minutes long because it takes most people at least 30 minutes to get to a place where they can speak calmly and rationally, but also respectfully. After the time out, use the speaker/listener format. Let your spouse know that you wish to unburden some things from your heart and you would like him to give you his undivided attention. He can even take notes if he needs to. There's nothing weird about it. Taking notes helps you capture important information and it helps you come to a place of deep understanding of your spouse.
When you're done saying what you need to say, ask your spouse to reflect back what he heard. If what he heard was accurate, then you may continue the conversation. If what he heard was inaccurate, your job is to correct what he heard, but without arguing. Just correct the statement without saying inflammatory things like “See? You’re just a bad listener.” Or “Why can’t you get it right?”
Once you feel understood and you have gotten things off your chest, you also repeat the same thing for your spouse. Listen to his point of view as you take notes, allow him to correct the parts that you did not hear or misunderstood, and then finally both of you can come to a conclusion of how to move forward. It is a slow process but it is very effective and respectful.
As a Black Christian therapist in Houston, it is my job to teach you how to come to the place of understanding and friendship in your marriage. My job is to show you how to talk to each other with respect, while maintaining the lightness and fun that marriage can bring. You will learn how to listen, take responsibility for your actions without being defensive, and work with your spouse to come up with plans for the future so that you have no longer having the same old arguments over and over again. Your marriage becomes a place of peace and cooperation. Counseling with me is not only from a cultural perspective, but from a biblical foundation.
The Spiritual Benefits of Seeking Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston
Sometimes you might feel like when you are having struggles in your marriage and you turn to marriage counseling, then it means that you are giving up or saying that your marriage is over. That is not the case. Proverbs 11:14 says "Where there's no guidance, people fall, but in an abundance of counselors, there is safety." We have to remember that God can heal our situation by bringing professionals and other people around us to give us godly counsel. If you feel like you and your spouse have been struggling with the same issue for years, perhaps it's just time to stop marching around Jericho and ask for help.
As a Black therapist in Houston, I take so much pride in helping couples heal from past relational wounds while standing firm in and deepening their faith. There's no reason why we should have to remove our biblical standards from our marriages, rather, it is those biblical standards and values that will help build your marriage. The skills that I teach are right in line with the Bible. We will talk about appropriate roles and rules in the household, how to take reposnsibility when you mess up, how to be humble and listen with intention, how to love your spouse the way he/she wants to be loved, how to repair when things get messed up, ways to deescalate a tense situation, how to strengthen trust, intimacy and friendship. What’s more biblical than creating a solid foundation in your home?
Essentially what we are doing in our marriage counseling work is realigning your marriage with God's design for healthy, Christ centered communication. And we know that a solid marriage will help you grow together and give you greater peace of mind.
Take the First Step Toward a Stronger, Healthier Marriage
What if there is a great way to strengthen both your relationship and your spiritual walk? Through the process of marriage counseling, you learn how to submit one to another. You learn how to treat each other with affection and care. You also learn how to embrace your appropriate roles and work together as a complementary team. You learn how to settle disagreements easily, and how to give each other a measure of grace and forgiveness. Another important piece of marriage counseling is taking responsibility for your actions without excuses. All of these things are simply the way we are to live as Christians. And so you learn to work out your faith one day at a time through your marriage.
As a Christian therapist in Houston my job is simply to be your guide. I provide biblical and practical tools for better communication. Sometimes when you are in the midst of the storm, you cannot see clearly. What you need is a third-party who wants your marriage to succeed. And that third-party can come in and show your blindspots. I step in to strengthen your relationship, so that you and your spouse can finally become marriage experts.
Ready to break the cycle of miscommunication in your marriage? Schedule your free 15-minute consultation for marriage counseling with a Black Christian therapist in Houston today!
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
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