Lost in Translation? How Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Helps HSP Wives Bridge the Communication Gap
The Silent Struggle: Why Highly Sensitive Wives Feel Unheard in Marriage
People are born highly sensitive. If you ask your parents or childhood caregivers to tell you about yourself when you were a baby, they might say something like “You cried a lot.” “We just couldn’t put you down.” “You were very cuddly and clingy.” Or “We had to make sure the lights and environment were just right, or else you would scream your head off.” Although your caregivers might not even have known what high sensitivity is, they would have just known that there was something special about you.
And special isn’t a bad thing.
I believe that sensitivity is a God designed trait of strength- not weakness. Many highly sensitive people tend to be really close to God and pour out their hearts in prayer and service. They notice the subtle shifts in the environment that no one does. Some of them even tend to see visions and dream dreams. That can’t possibly be a bad thing. It is only perceived as bad when your friends and family members don’t know what to do with you. They notice that you experience emotions on a much deeper level that they do, and because they can’t understand what’s going on, they label you in a negative light.
When you are a HSP who is married to a non-HSP spouse, you can feel deeply overwhelmed, because he can trigger you unknowingly. He comes in, turns on the bright lights, blasts the music and all you want to do is just sit in a dim corner so you can reset your tired nervous system. When you get into a disagreement with him, he wants to settle it there and then, while you want to take your time to process. And when you finally are able to speak about the issue, 2 days have passed. He has completely forgotten about the issue by then. You feel dismissed and invalidated. You value process as opposed to solutions but he just wants to fix things quickly without talking about emotions and soft things.
Christian marriage counseling in Houston provides a safe space to be understood. Your non sensitive husband willl learn a bit more about what high sensitivity is. He will learn to compromise in some other areas, and you in turn, will learn how to communicate without shutting down or dragging the issue for 2 days before coming to resolution. You will learn how to regulate your nervous system so you’re not constantly lashing out.
From Frustration to Connection: Biblical Principles for Healthy Communication
One of my favorite scriptures is found in Proverbs 15:1. It says “A gentle answer turns away wrath.” Sometimes one person has to take a step back and lead with a gentle word. Once 1 person starts to escalate, it’s time for the other person to jump off what I call ‘The crazy train.’ It’s also important to know that it takes 2 to fight. If you speak gently to a yelling person. they have no choice but to deescalate naturally. You can’t argue with yourself.
It is important to express emotions in a way that your husband can understand. Help him understand why certain things are so important to you. Emotions are much more important than settling arguments. Talk about what you are feeling, why you are feeling that way, what you need from him, and also take accountability and apologize for any part you played in creating the problem. Here is an example. Imagine you both had an argument about who forgot to pick up your child from school. Here is what you can say to him:
“I felt panicked when I found out that Stacy was left behind at school. It reminded me of the times when my dad was too busy to take me to the park or come to my recitals. I do apologize for not letting you know that she gets out early today. And I also apologize for yelling at you when I found out she wasn't picked up. What we can do next time is put it all on the family calendar and ensure that we receive notifications the day before. I can also text you the day before so you remember if her schedule changes.”
You see, good communication isn’t just about sorting out disagreements. It is really about emotional connection. When your husband hears you and understands your emotional stance, he is better able to connect with you. He also learns what your triggers are and how to stay away from them. You in turn feel seen, validated and can bring your guard further down.
As a Black therapist in Houston my job is to help bridge the cultural and emotional gap in communication between you and your spouse. Even if you and your spouse grew up in the same environment, you will still face some cultural differences. Because you were raised in different households, you have different personalities and temperaments. I understand the nuances of being a Black immigrant in Houston. But I also help you give language to the way you feel. Together we will construct a marriage that is rich in friendship, low in drawn out disagreements and you will rediscover intimacy.
The Role of a Black Christian Therapist: How Cultural Understanding Strengthens Marriage Counseling
It is important to find a marriage therapist in Houston who understands the Christian faith because your values are grounded in your faith. As a Christian therapist, I incorporate biblical principles so that you can act out your roles in the way that God intended. Shared cultural values and faith matter in therapy so that you do not end up losing your soul as you are in search of marital cohesion. We absolutely do not have to separate your faith from your healing.
As a Black therapist in Houston, I can offer deeper insights into the unique challenges of faith, marriage, and emotional expression. There’s no need for code switching or deep explanations into your life when you work with me- as we already have some cultural commonalities. It is important to feel safe and understood in therapy- especially if you are a highly sensitive woman. Because highly sensitive women often feel misunderstood and invalidated, it can be even more disappointing when they are shut down by therapists. Not only am I a Black immigrant therapist, I also happen to be a highly sensitive woman, so I get it.
Don’t get me wrong though, not all highly sensitive people are the same, so I won’t typecast you or make assumptions about you, but we do share some traits. If you have been struggling in your marriage for years, please don’t fret. Seeking help is a sign that you truly want to move forward. It is not a sign of weakness, but an act of faith and strength.
My job as a marriage therapist in Houston is to also help you and your spouse celebrate your differences without having them become a source of constant frustration and disagreements. You will learn how to communicate in a way that your spouse can understand, and you will also get a deeper feeling of empathy towards your spouse. Empathy is the road towards understanding and deeper intimacy.
Practical Steps to Strengthen Communication with Your Non-HSP Husband
It is absolutely possible to repair the communication problems in your marriage- even if they’ve lingered for years. The first step is willingness. Both of you have to decide that you will start to do things differently. If you feel guilty, scared or apprehensive when you express your feelings to your spouse (I’m not talking about an abusive relationship here), it is important to let your spouse know so that he is gentler with you. Let him know that you sometimes need a little extra time to process your thoights and you would value it if he spent a bit of time listening to your thoights and emotions. Sometimes non-HSP husbands can be so outcome oriented that they completely skip past the listening and unearthing of emotions that HSPs value so much.
Active listening is one of the most important skills to master within a marriage relationship. Active listening simply means when you are listening to your spouse talk, you:
1- Suspend judgement
2- Hold off on everything you want to say
3- Ensure that you are not distracted
4- Listen to every word he/she says
5- Reflect back what you hear with the intention of knowing you might be corrected.
6- Try to really understand his/her point of view before stating yours.
You are essentially playing the role of a court stenographer. You are recording just the facts- your personal thoughts and emotions aren’t important when your spouse is speaking, You will get your turn too. Remember to validate his/her emotions after listening. Validation dosnt’t mean agreement. it simply means you can understand how the situation can trigger certain emotions for your spouse. It helps him/her feel seen.
A simple exercise I have my clients do as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston is to download the Gottman card decks app. it has tons of conversation starters to help you better understand and get used to relating closely with your spouse. It’s a great avenue to get to know your spouse better and to practice active listening skills.
As Christians, we are called to be slow to anger, slow to speak and quick to listen (James 1:19). So the art of active listening isn’t just a therapy gimmick, it’s something we should master as Christians. Learning this skill will help improve understanding in your marriage relationship and improve trust. When your spouse feels heard and validated, it can help bring the walls down and therefore bring you closer.
Take the First Step: Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston Can Help You Feel Heard
If communication is an ongoing problem in your marriage, never fret. You do not have to struggle alone. As a Black therapist in Houston, I provide faith centered and culturally attuned therapy so that you can have the space to heal and grow in your marriage. Take the first step toward a stronger, more connected marriage—schedule your free 15-minute marriage counseling consultation today! I offer virtual therapy services to clients throughout CA and TX.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: