Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston: How to Feel Heard When Your Spouse Doesn’t Get Your Sensitivity
When Your Sensitivity Feels Like a Burden in Marriage
Being a highly sensitive woman can be difficult because you get misunderstood in your marriage all the time. Sometimes you just need some time to reflect and decompress, but it can be misunderstood as you being unfriendly or abandoning your family. Sometimes you are overcome with emotions and burst into tears, but your spouse thinks you are weaponzing your emotions. Sometimes you get completely flooded with emotions and shut down, and your spouse and thinks you were trying to avoid talking about the situation.
Sometimes it takes you a while to process through things and so you cannot give a response in the heat of the moment, and this frustrates your spouse. He wants to settle matters now and get things over with, but he feels as if you are slowing things down or always doing things in your own time. He thinks you are selfish.
Simply being you can lead to so many different conflicts. You find yourself being in one conflict or another over and over again and this can lead to emotional exhaustion and resentment. He resents you because he does not understand why you are being difficult. And you resent him because he does not understand you and is trying to force you to talk when you were just not physiologically capable to do so.
Rest easy.
Sensitivity is not a curse. I actually look at it as a God-given strength. It is simply the way you are wired. Once you have a good understanding of who you are, and you’re able to explain how you operate to your husband, the arguments will reduce. You’ll know what you need, learn to ask for what you need and you will then be able to communicate smoother.
The Communication Struggles Between Highly Sensitive Wives and Non-HSP Husbands
If you are married to a non-highly sensitive husband, or a husband who is not very in tune with his emotions, he might struggle to understand your deep emotions, why you “overthink things” and “feel so deeply about things.” He may not understand why you cry at certain times, or why you put so much thought into things that he might cast away. He might not understand why you're so emotionally invested in certain people, or why you are so passionate about your work. This is not a part of you that you can put aside. High sensitivity does come with being deeply empathetic and feeling deeply. And a lot of highly sensitive people also tend to think deeply, which can be translated by others as overthinking.
Some conflict patterns that I notice in the highly sensitive wife/non-highly sensitive husband dynamic is that when an issue happens, the highly sensitive spouse spends a lot of time stewing. In the moment she knows that she feels something deeply, but emotions feel like a whirlwind so she's not able to actually address the issue. Her husband on the other hand has no idea that she is feeling deeply about it. Two days later, after she has processed the issue thoroughly, she brings the issue to her husband who is completely befuddled because he cannot even remember what happened two days ago, let alone does he even know that you were upset. You feel insulted, unseen and disrespected because your feelings went unheard.
Another type of conflict that I see is when you're passionate about something, you think about every single detail. Highly sensitive people tend to be very detail oriented. When they plan something, they are very concerned about the experiences of other people involved in the activity. For example, if a non-highly sensitive person has an appointment at 10 AM, if she leaves the house at 9:30 AM and shows up at 10:05 AM. It will not bother her.
But for the highly sensitive person, she thinks about if the person she is going to meet will feel offended if she shows up after 10 AM. She thinks about how the appointments after her will have to be pushed back because of her lateness. They also sometimes will show up early because they actually need time to feel settled into the appointment before walking in at 10 AM. All of these things are going on in the background without the knowledge of her non-sensitive husband. So while it may seem like highly sensitive people do too much, they have so much on their minds all the time.
Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help you bridge the communication gap. Many people struggle with communication simply because they have not taken the time to actually understand the other person's point of view. Many of us assume that others think just like us, and then we project our feelings and thoughts onto them. When we find out that they're not thinking like us, we get offended.
But during marriage counseling, it is my job to teach you how to be an active listener, how to actually reflect back what you heard your spouse say, how to validate her feelings, and how to respond in a way that she can understand. So this world is no longer just about you, you are actively learning to love your spouse the way she deserves to be loved and you are a lot more sensitive to her needs. She will also learn how to view the world from your actual perspective so that she can communicate in a way that you can receive. You both start to speak a common language that you can understand. No more persistent quarrels and silly arguments.
Why a Black Christian Therapist in Houston Can Help You Feel Seen and Understood
When you are a Black professional woman working in the corporate world, sometimes you already feel misunderstood just because of your background and the differences in skin color. So as a Black professional who is highly sensitive, you are trying to not only maneuver a healthy marriage, but trying to reach your goals and dreams. It is important that your therapist has a solid cultural and spiritual understanding of who you are. Because you don't want unnecessary micro aggressions and assumptions in your marriage therapy session. You don't want to have to spend time explaining who you are and what you do. You want to feel comfortable in the therapy space and do whatever comes naturally to you. You don't have to worry about code switching or putting on a front. You simply can just be you.
Christian counseling helps you not only focuses on your emotions and your relationship challenges, but we also ensure that we are putting Jesus at the center of it all. We will ensure that your marriage is values driven. We ensure that your marriage is being built according to biblical principles and you can create a legacy of love and spiritual growth for your family. No it's not my job to indoctrinate you or to tell you what the Bible says, it is simply my job to present scripture to you that you can take to the Holy Spirit for further interpretation. When you work with a Black therapist in Houston who aligns with your values and experiences, you don't have to spend so much time hiding or fighting or pretending to be someone that you're not. You can simply just be.
Embracing Your Sensitivity While Building a Stronger Marriage
A great tool that I use with my marriage counseling clients in Houston is the speaker/listener format. You and your spouse have to learn to slow communication down when you're about to talk about something important. Timing is everything. So pick a time in which neither of you will be distracted, tired, sick or busy. Let your spouse know that you would like to set up a meeting. This doesn't have to feel formal, but it does need to be treated like an important part of your day.
The person who has something to say should be given the floor and your spouse will be the listener. Your job is to explain to him what is going on from your perspective. He doesn't have to understand your perspective fully, but he does have to listen. Every now and then, pause so that your spouse can reflect back what he heard you say. This gives you time to actually process what you are saying, and it also helps your spouse ensure that he is hearing you correctly. This will reduce the feeling of being dismissed or unheard.
The listener’s job is to listen of course, try to be empathetic and put himself in his wife's shoes. Ask questions about how the other person felt when the situation occurred, what triggered her and why she feels the way that she does. After all of the above questions, validate her feelings. Validation can be something as simple as "I understand why you would feel this way." When the speaker is done talking, and feels heard, then your spouse will have a chance to state his point of view while you listen and repeat the above steps.
Remember that patience is a fruit of the Spirit. As a married couple, it is important to master healthy and effective communication so that you can strengthen your emotional connection. It is definitely possible with some practice. Christian marriage counseling in Houston helps you turn conflict into deeper intimacy. We do this by showing you how to lean into what your spouse has to say, teaching you how to become a great listener, which then helps your spouse feel seen and heard. When your spouse feels seen and heard, she's able to trust you, the friendship deepens and emotional connection strengthens.
Take the First Step Toward Feeling Heard in Your Marriage
Did you know that the average couple waits about 6 years after the initial marital struggle begins before seeking help from a professional? Don’t let this be you. A stronger connection and deeper intimacy are possible with the right support. As a Black therapist in Houston, it is my job to better understand your unique needs, so I can guide you through faith-based solutions. You deserve to feel heard and valued. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today for marriage counseling in Houston and take the first step toward a stronger, more connected marriage.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: