Using Love Languages to Strengthen Communication and Resolve Conflict in Your Christian Marriage
Understanding the Five Love Languages: A Key to Resolving Conflict in Christian Marriages
The five love languages is a concept that was introduced by Gary Chapman. Mr. Chapman states that everyone has a love tank. To be connected and happy in a relationship, one’s love tank must be full. The way to fill up one’s love tank is to love the person according to his/her own unique love language. Some people have one love language, and others might have a primary love language as well as a secondary love language. A love language is simply the way a person wants to receive love. He states that everyone has a love language – including children. For a marriage to be healthy, and for emotional needs to be met, it is imperative that each person learns to speak the love language of their spouse.
Relationships often experience struggle when your partner is loving you according to his own love language rather than taking time to learn how to love you according to your own love language. So then he ends up getting frustrated because he feels like he's pouring time and energy into you, but he’s not receiving the desired response. You also feel drained because you feel like you're pouring time and energy into him and nothing is being poured back into you. Your love tank begins to empty.
Sometimes people kick against the idea of love languages, but if you look at Ephesians 4: 2 we are commanded to '‘Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” What is a better way to deal with your partner in love than to take your time to understand what makes him tick and to help him receive love in the way that he is naturally wired? It is essentially an act of service and humility. If you are having a difficult time with this, marriage counseling in Houston can help. My job is to help you learn new skills to be able to love your partner in the way that he or she needs. No judgment, just two people trying to grow together.
Understanding the Power of Love Languages in a Christ-Centered Marriage
If you're wondering what the five love languages are, they are:
Words of affirmation: Verbally expressing one’s love through validation, appreciation and encouragement. These are people who send text messages to say they are thinking about you, they might leave cute notes or cards around the house and they also in conversation, regularly talk about what they appreciate about you.
Acts of service: Doing tangible things for others like picking up something from the store, cooking, cleaning, giving a massage. It involves serving your spouse in a physical way.
Physical touch: These are people who like to put an arm on the other person’s shoulder, hold hands, kiss, cuddle or just causally touch people when laughing. They don’t even do it on purpose. It just happens.
Receiving gifts: People who like to receive gifts also enjoy giving gifts. These gifts might not even be expensive. It’s the thought that counts. Sometimes they’ll make homemade treats or crafts to show their love.
Quality time: They want to physically be in the room with you, engage in conversation, share ideas and make eye contact. Merely being in a room isn’t enough. They need your undivided attention to feel loved.
If you don’t know you and your spouse’s love languages, head over to www.the5lovelanguages.com and take the free test.
If you think to yourself, “Why is all of this important?” Let's refer to Ephesians 5:25 which says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her“. And 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.“
Christian marriage counseling in Houston can help couples apply love languages effectively so that you and your spouse can start to feel the love again.
Why Your Love Language Might Not Match Your Spouse’s—and That’s Okay
One of the biggest challenges in marriages is feeling misunderstood by your spouse. Many people will marry someone who has a love language that is different from theirs, and that is perfectly OK. It is important to celebrate each other's differences and actually utilize these differences to make both the marriage and the family stronger. To love someone in humility is to look at yourself as a student. Even if you have known your spouse for decades, it is important to remember that your spouse may grow, change, go through different experiences and might be a different person today than who he was 20 years ago. That being said learning a love language is simply just a way of giving and receiving love. When your spouse knows that you are loving him or her outside of your own love language, it is the natural instinct to reciprocate.
And when you think about the love that Jesus had for us, He really didn't gain that much by dying on the cross or suffering on this earth. He poured into us so that we might have life. He paid a debt that He did not owe. So there was nothing in it for Him. But because we have received the ultimate form of redemption, because we have seen what the ultimate sacrifice looks like, our response to His agape love is to love Him unconditionally as well. So love begets love. Our faith requires us to bring in humility and to think of others as being higher than ourselves. That includes our spouses too. So we must love our spouses fully without thinking about what we will get in return. If both husband and wife make this their goal, the marriage will be stronger.
Using Love Languages to Navigate Conflict with Grace and Understanding
Unmet needs often lead to discontent, arguments and even resentment in marriage. There is sometimes a silent, but mighty tension that just fills the spaces of the marriage. Each person gets short tempered, sad, and sometimes unable to communicate what he or she needs.
Disagreements need to be handled with love and patience. Yes, even when you feel like you have been wronged. James 1: 19-20 says “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.“ The anger that James is referring to is vengeance- wanting to get revenge for a wrong you have suffered.
To turn things around, think of addressing the problem using your spouse’s love language. If your spouse loves quality time, set some time aside for him or her when you can provide your undivided attention. Really listen to what your spouse needs before addressing your own needs. To do this with physical touch, you can go for a walk together with hands held. This helps him or her understand that even though you might be at odds temporarily, you still desire connection. For gift lovers, present something thoughtful to them before you have a conversation about your needs. You don’t have to break the bank. Homemade gifts count too. For acts of service people, do something nice for them- wash their car, pick up something they need from the store, etc. This can help to prime them before having an important conversation. And words of affirmation people really need to hear about how much you appreciate them, before diving into unmet needs.
A Black therapist in Houston can provide culturally competent guidance in resolving conflicts. Sometimes you feel confused about how to actually approach the situation. My job is to teach you effective communication skills, help you rebuild your friendship and get back to the place of passion and togetherness you once had. It takes a level of patience and understanding, but with practice, it becomes easier.
Practical Ways to Speak Your Spouse’s Love Language Daily
Love languages can seem complicated- especially if you are married to someone who doesn’t share the same love language as you. To make it easier for you, actually ask your spouse what he or she would appreciate. Each week, say “How can I help you feel loved this week?” Or “Is there some way I’ve shown love to you in the past that you really appreciate?'‘ It’s the small, meaningful actions that reinforce your love and appreciation.
As you start to implement love languages into your marriage, also ensure that there is a level of consistency. For something to become a habit, you do need a few weeks of practice. It has to be intentional. Make it your priority. Both you and your spouse need to make it your number 1 priority. every week, seek to help your spouse see that you love him. Ask for regular feedback where you can celebrate wins and improvement in your marriage.
Prayer is a great tool to help you involve the Holy Spirit in your work as a couple. Ask Him for guidance, for strength, and for counsel as you both are on your journey to love each other well. Never assume what your spouse needs. Ask him or her.
Because couples often get stuck in a rut and tend to move back into old habits, a Christian marriage counselor in Houston can help youu build habits of love and respect while providing education and accountability. You will learn how to resolve conflict, strengthen your friendship and continue to grow together.
Finding Support: How a Christian Marriage Counselor Can Help You and Your Spouse Grow Together
If this all sounds too much for you or if this sounds like just the thing that you need, then it is time to seek Christian marriage counseling in Houston. A skilled marriage counselor can help you learn how to implement both you and your spouse’s love languages into your daily interactions so that you can improve friendship, deepen your connection, which could help with better conflict resolution and intimacy. Please note that love languages alone will not solve all your marital problems, but they sure will help as you build a new foundation in your marriage. Seeking help is not a sign that your marriage has failed. Seeking help is actually a sign that you have faith that your marriage can thrive once again and you are willing to learn the necessary skills to revive it.
Remember that faith without works is dead.
Want to strengthen your marriage through faith and personalized guidance? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with me- A Black Christian therapist in Houston.
About Me
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: