Married to a Brilliant Man? Here’s How to Speak Up Without Shutting Down Your Marriage

What It’s Really Like to Be Married to a Highly Intelligent Man

Many of my marriage counseling clients are leaders, high performing women and highly intelligent in their own right, And so, it is not surprising that these women are also married to men who are highly intelligent too. After all, if an intelligent woman is married to a man that can’t hold an intellectual conversation, she might be plagued by a life of boredom and regret.

The struggle happens when both people are so intelligent that they do not leave room for emotions in the relationship. It is important to note that both logic and emotions are great, but we get into trouble when we rely too heavly on one side or the other. If you lean too heavily on logic, you stand the risk of emotionally neglecting your spouse. And if you lean too heavily on emotions, things at home will feel chaotic.

One of the problems that women who are married to highly intelligent, super logical men run into is that they do not feel as if their husbands care about them. It's because their husbands do not take the time to listen to their side of the story, they do not validate their emotions and they generally lack the softness that a lot of women need. Often times they also feel like their husbands are not loving them according to their love languages. Even though their husbands are great providers and protectors, they lack the one thing that they still need- which is quality time or physical touch or acts of service.

Women like this want to be listened to, they want to have a husband that they can vent to, rather than somebody who just provides solutions to their issues. They want a man who can pause, sit with what their wives are saying and then make a decision if that is indeed what their wives need. In other words they are looking for sensitivity and emotional intelligence.

Sometimes logic tends to override the innate knowing that a lot of women have and it often feels frustrating for them because they often feel as if their husbands are expecting them to logically explain their emotions. But emotions cannot always be explained logically. Sometimes things are just intuitive. And they often feel like every conversation is like a court battle. They have to consistently bring in valid, outlined points, rather than being able to be themselves and have a good mix of logic and emotions.

Why You Keep Silencing Yourself (Even When You Don’t Mean To)

After going through the above battle for months, or maybe even years, many women learn to just be silent. They just blindly agree with whatever their husbands say, even though that is not what their husbands actually want. Their husbands are actually caring men who want their marriages to be a partnership, however they do not know how to balance logic with emotions. And although their wives perceive them as uncaring and loving or even callous, that is not the case. They are just men who have not been taught what to do with their emotions.

Perhaps they grew up in environments in which emotions were taboo. Perhaps they grew up in a hyper masculine culture in which men always got the final say, regardless of their wives’ input. So when their wives do want to speak up, they think to themselves “He's not going to listen to me,” “My feelings and thoughts don't matter anyway.” “He does not love me.” “There's no point in speaking up because I'll never be heard.”

She feels like she's already in a losing battle. And this is sad because marriage has nothing to do with battle and everything to do with partnership. She lives with a constant frustration of being misunderstood and dismissed. And so after a while she becomes like a caged bird. She just does what she needs to do and says what she needs to say to avoid an argument. She is exhausted because she knows that she has so much to bring to the table, but she feels like she has already lost the fight.

And so it feels like she is screaming into the void but nobody can hear her. She has tried multiple times to be heard and understood, but it just hasn't;t worked. So she gives up and accepts the status quo that she dislikes.

Faith + Strategy: How to Speak Up with Confidence and Compassion

A happy marriage is not one sided. A happy marriage is actually a partnership in which both the husband and the wife able to speak to one another with compassion, try to understand one another and meet each other's needs. In a happy marriage, both the husband and the wife understand that they are two different individuals. Agape love does not try to seek its own interests. Rather, it seeks to understand, protect and lift up the other person.

In a happy marriage, you can communicate anything you want, but it does matter how you communicate. The old saying goes “You get more bees with honey than with vinegar.” And if we are to root our words in the Bible, the Bible states that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It is possible to get your spouse to better understand and support you, but it is important to also learn how to communicate kindly and assertively. It is also important to apply wisdom when you are speaking. James 3:17 says “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.“

Think about tone and timing. Even though you are probably feeling frustrated from not being heard for years, the chances of your husband being able to hear and empathize with you will be a lot lower if you try to communicate in a harsh or condescending way. Just like if your husband communicates with you in a harsh way, you are more likely to shut down, get defensive or become a lot more aggressive with him. So we know that tone matters.

It is also important to get rid of criticism when you're trying to get your needs met. Focus on the behavior that is troubling to you, not your husband's character. For example if you feel like you're not being heard, you can say something like “I feel unheard when we have conversations because I am often interrupted,” as opposed to, “You are a horrible listener.” In the former sentence, you are only focusing on the unwanted behavior. But in the latter sentence, you are making a judgment about your husband’s character. Most people will become defensive once their character is put in question.

Your Voice Matters: Find Support Through Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Please know that you do not have to get louder when you're communicating, you probably just have to get clearer. And it is my job as a Christian marriage therapist in Houston to give you the support you need. I actually give you specific tools and worksheets to use in all the different situations that you might find yourself in. You will learn how to communicate your needs clearly, your husband will also learn how to validate your feelings so that you don't feel ignored any longer. You will learn what to do when you have differences of opinions and things are getting heated. You’ll learn the appropriate way to take a time out and when a time out is actually needed. You will also learn how to repair things after things have gone awry.

Expect that if both of you are willing to actually put in the work in your marriage, you will have a calmer, easier marriage. Marriage is actually not supposed to be difficult, but the problem is many people were not appropriately coached or trained in how to effectively communicate their thoughts and feelings to someone who is drastically different from them.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

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When Communication Feels Impossible: A Christian Wife’s Guide to Being Heard Without Starting a Fight