How to prepare for your first marriage counseling session

You and your partner have been struggling for a while. You’ve tried to patch things up, but to no avail. It seems like you’re arguing every other day. And you can’t stand it anymore.

You decided to contact a marriage counselor, after all you’ve heard that couples counseling can really improve your relationship.

Before you attend your first couples therapy or marriage counseling session, here’s what you should know:

Start with a great mindset before you begin couples therapy or couples counseling

Sometimes, when couples come to see me in my marriage counseling office in Murrieta, they are usually expecting their marriage counselor (me) to do all the work. The truth is that your couples therapist is simply a guide. He or she gives you the tools you need and it is the job of you and your spouse to implement the skills.

Simply listening attentively when you are in relationship counseling is not enough. You need to actually implement what you’re being taught. So step one of being successful in couples therapy, is to have a learning mindset.

Be ready to try new things- no matter how scary it might be. if you start therapy believing it will fail, your sessions will probably fail. But if you go in with a positive and proactive mindset, you’re setting yourself and your marriage up for success.

Identify your marriage counseling goals

To make the process a lot smoother, it’s important that your relationship counselor or marriage counselor knows what you and your spouse are expecting to gain from couples therapy.

Spend some time thinking about this before your first session. A simple way to pinpoint your marriage counseling goals, is to close your eyes, fast forward to 6 months from now and imagine what you want your day to day life to look like.

• Where will you live?

• Where will both you and your spouse sleep?

• What will your daily interactions with your spouse look like?

• How will you feel when your partner walks into the room?

• How will you both manage conflicts?

• How will your communication with your spouse change?

• Who will notice these changes?

Let your couples therapist know this so that everyone is on the same page.

Get a couples therapy or marriage counseling notebook

This isn’t mandatory, but when you’re in couples therapy or couples counseling, it’s important to have a system to document what you’re learning. A lot of difficult emotions will be stirred up in your couples counseling sessions.

Your notebook is a great place to journal about your feelings after sessions, and also a great place to store any homework your therapist gives you. That way you will be staying present and you won’t let anything fall through the cracks.

Your couples therapy notebook is also a place to celebrate wins, practice communication skills and to jot down any big issues that come up for you in between couples counseling sessions. That’ll make your sessions be a lot more productive.

These are some simple ways to get yourself ready for your first marriage counseling or relationship counseling session.

If you are sick and tired of a stale, loveless marriage, couples counseling in the Murrieta/Temecula area might be just what you need to turn your marriage around. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me- a licensed marriage and family therapist for people in Murrieta and throughout California.

Other Related Blog Posts

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High achieving women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How your therapist is really feeling

Today’s blog post is going to be a bit different. We are living in pretty strange times. None of us has ever been through a pandemic. None of us has ever had to distance ourselves from our loved ones. None of us has had to walk around with face masks and hand sanitizer.

We’ve never done this before.

And so I want to have a heart to heart with you. I want to take off my therapist hat for a moment and put on my human hat. My citizen hat.

As a therapist, it is my job to hold space for my clients. I go into the dark spaces, they tell me things they’ve never told anyone, we create amazing transformation! I always have my clients’ best interests at the forefront of my mind. From my website, to the way my phone is answered, to my emails, to my gorgeous mental health spa (my office), I pride myself in giving my clients a top notch experience. Everything has been curated especially for my clients.

Everything I do is to ensure that my clients have a beautiful, one of a kind experience. Working with me is a whole mood in itself.

I don’t provide cookie cutter service at all, because I know each individual I work with is unique. For some people, I provide Christian counseling- we integrate scripture and faith into the details of the work we do.

Yes, prayer and Jesus are allowed in my therapy office.

For others, I utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBTI), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I use my expertise to help you knock anxiety down, finally say goodbye to insomnia or help repair your marriage.

And my loud, loud laughter often echoes through the office while we are in session. My clients know exactly what I mean.

But in this season, things have changed.

Things look different. My mental health spa office is no longer open for clients to sit in. I’ve had lots of people tell me how much they miss my soft blue microfiber couch, my assorted teas, my sound machine and the smell of lemongrass.

Oh, the smell of lemongrass.

Lean in, let me tell you a secret. I miss those things too.

I’m now solely seeing clients online. Although I’ve always offered online counseling services for people throughout Calfornia, this is the first time that I’ve had to practice 100 percent online.

It’s challenging. For you AND for me.

But you know what remains the same? Our resiliency. Your resiliency. Over the years I’ve worked with some amazing people and I’ve seen how truly strong the human spirit can be.

I’ve seen people rise from the impossible. I’ve seen chronic insomniacs finally sleep well after 10 years of angst. I’ve seen people who were in the pit of anxiety, finally take control of their own lives, ditch people pleasing, walk a little bit taller and use their big girl voices again!

I’ve seen couples who practically hate each other, finally hold hands again, giggle like high school kids and fight for their love after going through couples counseling.

I’ve seen people heal from trauma, after putting in so much work while sitting on my soft blue microfiber therapy couch.

But something remains the same.

• I still have my therapist’s heart. I am still committed to helping my clients fight anxiety and insomnia.

• I am still committed to making therapy feel like an entire mood (my clients know what that means).

• I still have my unusually loud, echoey laugh.

• I still provide individualized counseling or therapy services for people in the Temecula/Murrieta area. Actually I’ve always provided online therapy for women throughout California.

• I am still here to walk into the dark, scary spaces and help you reach the light.

• I am still here to pray with you when you want that.

• I am still here with all my knowledge, expertise and experience.

• I can still give you homework, make you think deeper than ever and push you so that you can flex those emotional muscles.

• I am still here to provide you with what you need. Although this pandemic has created some unique circumstances, technology allows me to continue to provide therapy services using a secure platform.

If you are a woman in California, struggling with anxiety or insomnia, don’t wait until things seem normal to reach out. Reach out now. Your future self will thank you.

I am a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who is committed to helping women of color, find generational healing and finally feel comfortable using their voice. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call.

I also provide online counseling in California to all California residents.

Ready to ditch anxiety and fear?

Click image to download the FREE e-book

How to not ruin your marriage during COVID-19

Before I begin, let’s just get this clear. COVID-19 is a really serious virus. Please follow all the instructions and pay attention to the guidelines that the medical community has outlined for us. I know this new social distancing lifestyle is tough. But if we all play our part, we will all make it through.

Now on to the post.

Marriage is already a challenge. But how on earth do you survive when you, your spouse, and everyone who lives with you (kids, in-laws, and other family members) have to be in the same space 24/7?

Never fear. It’s actually possible to improve your marriage during this pandemic by doing 5 simple things.

1) Check your mindset

Rather than viewing COVID-19 and social distancing as the end of your marriage as we know it, view it as an opportunity to rebuild. Remember when you first met your spouse? You had wonderful butterflies in your stomach, you had a tingle in your chest when you’d hear his voice. You thought the world revolved around him. This is your chance to get back to that place. Use this time as a real opportunity to get to know each other.

If you think of this situation as the worst possible thing, I promise you that you will be miserable until life returns to normal. But if you view it as an opportunity, your marriage will end up stronger than ever. After all, if your marriage can make it through this, you guys are ninjas! And we all know that ninjas aways win.

Instead of thinking, “I’m stuck in the house with my husband,” think this instead: “I get to be in the house with my husband and we get a second chance at our marriage.”

The way you think directly affects the way you feel, which also affects your behavior. So a great marriage starts with how you view it.

2) Actually spend time together

Although you and your spouse are probably home together all day (assuming you get to work from home), do not avoid each other like the plague.

Eat meals together, talk to one another, look at each other, compliment each other, ask each other how the day is going, reminisce about the past (only the great parts of the past) and try to get back to a happy place.

Think of this as an opportunity to re-ignite a friendship. Imagine your spouse is a friend whom you are just getting to know. Ask him questions and make life fun again.

This is also a great time to watch movies together, listen to podcasts together, workout together and just be together. You’ll be surprised how close two people can get when they actually become intentional about time spent together.

3) Create daily rituals

One common thread amongst all couples is that they are busy. The husband gets up super early, rushes out the door, then the wife rushes around the house while getting the kids ready. Many families live in the same house, but they don’t really live together.

That team spirit is lacking.

But no more. Let’s change that. You get to actually change that. So here are some new rituals I’d like you to try. If you already practice these rituals, then that’s great! Keep it up!

• When you wake up in the morning, say “Good morning” or “Hello” or “Hey” to your spouse. Don’t just roll out of bed, grunt and go about your day. Acknowledge him or her in some way.

• Before you go to bed at night, say: “Goodnight.” And try to do it with a smile on your face. It’s the little gestures that count.

• Try to do some chores around the house together. Maybe he washes the dishes while you rinse them. Or maybe you do laundry and he folds. Or you both can fold clothes together. Get creative.

• Chances are that both of you have a little extra time on your hands. So why don’t you play a game together when the kids are in bed? It doesn’t even matter what game. Just play a game. There’s Uno, Monopoly, Chess, Checkers, The Game of Life. You could solve a sudoku puzzle or a crossword puzzle together. As long as it’s done together. If you like apps, I love Gottman Card Decks. You can download it in the app store.

• After the day is over, debrief together. Talk about how social distancing is going for the both of you. Talk about how you’re feeling, and what’s going on in your inner worlds. This is how you build closeness.

4) Pick your battles wisely

Being together more than you’re used to can easily become irritating (I’m being real here). So pick your battles wisely. Rather than focusing on everything your spouse is doing wrong, focus on what he or she is doing right.

Make a plan for the day and tackle it together. Understand that your spouse is NOT going to be perfect, but this is the spouse you chose. This is the person you fell in love with.

Don’t bicker about every single thing.

And if you have to address something negative, pick the right time and the right place.

Remember debriefing from step 3 above? Perhaps you guys can address 1 or 2 issues when everyone else is in bed.

• State your piece without yelling or name calling.

• Give your spouse a chance to say his part.

• Finally, come to an understanding of how you both will do things differently in the future.

5) Work on a shared goal

This is a great time to identify and begin to work on important goals together. There has never been a better time to work on your financial goals. Maybe you can both create a budget together and figure out how to implement it.

You could also work on a project around the house. This is also a great time to declutter, paint a room, organize something, teach your kids a new skill, learn how to use software, begin a work out program, learn a new language, plan for the future, etc.

It really doesn't matter how big or how small the project is, just work on it together!

So yes, although we are living in troubled times, you and your spouse have control over the success of your marriage.

And if you need help working on shared goals, managing battles and strengthening your friendship as a couple, I offer couples counseling. Due to social distancing and COVID-19 guidelines, I am providing couples counseling services online. Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so that your marriage can move back to a place of butterflies and bliss.

Is your family toxic?

You hear about it all the time: “He’s toxic” or “She’s toxic.” But did you know that your own family members might actually be toxic and they can be causing you deep emotional pain? Well, here are 5 possible traits that could hint that your family members are toxic:

They keep Secrets and tell lots of lies

I always say that secrets and lies breed shame and trauma. If your family members typically keep things hush hush, they could inadvertently be creating a toxic environment for you and everyone else. Now does that mean that your family should always air their dirty laundry in public? Well, no. But what I mean by secrets and lies is that toxic families often hide wrongs. So for example, if a family members reports that he or she was disrespected or hurt in some way by another family member, rather than do the right thing and bring the offending family member to justice, the reporting family member will usually be punished for coming forward. Toxic family members often avoid important discussions and sacrifice the victim- so to speak.

Many families cover up things like abuse by shaming the victim or even making the victim of such abuse feel as if he or she is lying. Sometimes they’ll create alternative realities and make it seem as if a situation never happened. In this situation, the perpetrator of such abuse is protected- allowing him or her to continue to inflict harm on other family members. Sometimes families even hide things like illnesses because they believe it will bring shame upon the family. What this does is that it doesn't allow for the family to come together to help a struggling family member.

They do not validate your feelings

Toxic family members are pretty good at invalidating you. When you’re experiencing anger, sadness, happiness or frustration, they have a way of making you feel as if your feelings are not valid. Sometimes they even go as far as to telling you that you are not supposed to feel this way. In a healthy family dynamic, all of your emotions should be accepted and tolerated- even if your family members don’t understand why you feel that way.

For example, if something difficult is happening and you happen to be sad about it, the supportive thing to do is to allow you to have your feelings and talk to you about how you want to be supported. But in a toxic family dynamic, some emotions are not accepted, which leads to isolation, shame and sadness.

They are controlling

In toxic families, there are usually a few powerful people who like to control what everybody else should say do, think and sometimes, even wear. People in the family do not feel free and totally accepted, because there’s always going to be someone around the corner telling them what to do and how to act. It often feels like they are always being watched or judged. Being in a toxic family dynamic could feel isolating because sometimes family members appear close and united from the outside looking in, but for those who are actually in the family, there is truly no real closeness going on.

Typically there is lots of gossip (a form of bonding in many toxic families), shaming others and trying to force other family members to maintain the facade that maintains the family’s reputation. Individual family members often feel judged and suffocated because sometimes, everyone is involved in everyone else’s business.

Double standards

Toxic families often have scapegoats and golden children. There is always one person who can do no wrong (the golden child), and another person who bears the brunt of everyone’s anger and disappointment (the scapegoat). Grudges could be held for years, and it often feels like your sins are always being tallied or used as ammunition against you. One family member could be allowed to comport himself in one way, but if another person does the exact same thing, it is frowned upon. This could be very difficult, as the rules are always shifting as the days go by. This creates a sense of instability among individual family members. This is why toxic families often have lots of quarrels and fights. Eventually 1 person rebels and decides to break free from this difficult dynamic.

Undue jealousy and competition

Because of the double standards, everyone is competing to become the favorite. Although the family looks united to everyone else, everyone is vying to become the golden child. Sometimes there is even sabotage among family members so that they can save face or look better. Because toxic families often do not have room to love everyone equally, family members have to claw their way to the top spot. And even when they find themselves at the top spot, they have to continue to fight so that they do not lose it.

Rather than working together as a team and ensuring that everyone wins, there is a desire to look better and ‘one up’ one another, so there is fierce competition. This is where put downs, shaming and jealousy come in, They often feel better about themselves if they make other family members look bad. It’s difficult to find true connection, because everyone knows that they could be trend against at any time.

There are many more characteristics of toxic families that I did not talk about in this blog post. But typically, family members feel a sense of anxiety and sometimes even despair. In another blog post, I’ll address some ways to break free from this toxic family dynamic so that you don’t continue the cycle in the next generation.

If you are struggling to break free from a toxic family and you want to work on the anxiety or depression that your family upbringing has caused you, you can click here to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation. You can also call 951-905-3181. Although your family of origin might be toxic, you get to make the change and ensure that your kids, friends and loved ones are not victims of the same toxicity you were raised in. I provide therapy and counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area as well as online throughout California.

DOWNLOAD NOW

6 simple ways to keep the spark in your marriage alive

Marriage can be difficult. Two different people trying to compromise and do life together is not an easy feat. But if you’ve been married for more than a few days, I don’t have to tell you that. So often people wonder - “How do I keep the spark going? How can I make my marriage not only last, but actually be fulfilling?” Well, today, I’m going to tell you about 6 simple, but really important things to keep doing (or start doing) so that your marriage can be happy.

And if you are not in a happy place in your marriage, but you do want to get to a happy place, perhaps you can consider marriage counseling.

Maintaining a great marriage is all about making space in your mind and in your day for your spouse. It’s about the little things. It’s about ensuring that both of you are able to prioritize each other- even though you’re both pulled in a million different directions.

So take some notes and let’s begin:

1) Unwind together after a long day

This is super important. After you’ve both had dinner, put the kids to bed, cleaned up the kitchen and gotten lunches ready for the next day, spend about 10 to 15 minutes together to talk about your days. Turn off the TV, put your phones away, and truly see each other.

Eye contact and full attention are imperative here. Ask each other how you’re doing and talk about how the day went. When each person is talking, the other should give his/her undivided attention. Although this seems like such a small act, it invites you into your partner’s world, and vice versa. If you’re a good listener, you’ll learn so much about your partner in these short moments. You’ll also learn more about what your partner is going through and how you two can support one another. It’s an important bonding activity as a couple.

2) Have weekly date nights/days

I know that date nights sound so cliche, but the idea behind it is to get away from the everyday routine and do something special for and with one another- without distractions. Date nights (or date days- because dates don’t have to only be held at night) don’t have to be expensive. They simply have to feel special. You want time alone with your partner to become a normal part of your lives.

Dates can be as simple as a packed picnic lunch, a stroll together at the mall, a movie date, or an actual trip to somewhere exotic. You don’t even have to leave your home to have a date. They can happen right there in your living room or sitting in your garage.

I highly suggest that date nights should be scheduled. If you don’t schedule them, chances are they won’t happen. At the beginning of every week, sit with your partner and map out what day you’d both like to spend time together, where you’d like to go and what you’ll do together. If you schedule this, you have a much higher chance of actually following through with it. Eventually, date nights or date days become part of your schedule and you’ll both look forward to it,

3) Cuddle often

Physical touch is an important bonding tool for couples. It helps you maintain closeness and connection with your partner. Being in each other’s arms also provides a feeling of safety and security. Now cuddling can easily happen while unwinding after a long day. Sit on the couch, or on another comfortable area and just be. Get used to sitting together and bonding this way. Such a simple act really does go a long way in ensuring that your connection remains strong.

4) Listen actively

Most of the time, when we listen to our spouses talk, we are impatiently waiting for them to finish talking so that we can respond. The problem with this in a marriage is that it could easily lead your partner to feel frustrated and unheard. Active listening is something I always have couples practice in couples therapy/marriage counseling. It sometimes takes a bit of practice to get the hang of it. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership in which each person feels seen and heard. If you struggle with listening, then try this exercise.

When next you and your spouse sit down to unwind for the day, rather than talk about what you think about what he or she is saying, or trying to correct or argue with him or her, only say validating words and statements that help you understand your spouse better.

Set a timer for 10 minutes and sit next to one another. Have one partner be the speaker, while the other is the listener. The listener’s goal is to try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and respond the way you would want someone to respond if you were pouring out your heart. Validate your spouse’s feelings and summarize what you think he or she is saying. Let your spouse correct you as needed. Once you’re done, you then get to be the speaker while your partner is the listener. What you’ll get is a true bonding experience.

5) Create hello and goodbye routines

If you have a busy life, chances are you have situations in which you’re rushing out of the door while your spouse is at home. Make goodbyes and hellos memorable. When you are leaving the house, make it a point to give your spouse a hug, a kiss, a high five, a smile, or some other friendly exchange to acknowledge the moment.

The same thing goes for hellos. When you walk into the door, also make sure you acknowledge your spouse with a hug, a kiss, a friendly “Hello” or “What’s up,” a kiss or some other type of gesture that communicates that you’re happy to see him or her.

6) Talk about your hopes and dreams often

Remember when you were still dating? You probably sat down together for hours talking about all your hopes and dreams. Maybe that was even what attracted you to your husband or wife. Don’t lose touch with one another. Find time to talk about your long and short term goals. Reminisce about how far you’ve come and how far you both can go together. Do not get so entrenched in the daily hustle and bustle that you forget where you’re both going together.

If you really want to regain the spark in your marriage, but you are unsure of where to begin, consider scheduling a marriage counseling session. In our couples therapy sessions, you’ll learn how to create a friendship with your spouse, how to communicate clearly and how to truly maintain a happy, fulfilling marriage.

Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so you can decide if couples counseling in Houston is right for you. I provide couples counseling in Houston, TX and throughout California and Texas.

What does a therapist actually do?

Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist, but you’re not sure if it’s the right move for you? Maybe your family has told you that you shouldn’t tell your business in public. Or your friends have said to you, “Seeing a therapist is a waste of money.”

Well today, I’m going to talk a little bit about what we do as therapists and how a therapy session is different than just talking to your friends and family. And here are a few things you should know about the relationship between a therapist and a client.

1. Your therapist is not your friend

   It’s first of all important to understand that your therapist is really different from your friends. Your friends might hold back because they feel obligated to just nod and smile. But your therapist understands that you are here in session to grow and change. We are able to tell you truths that your friends are too scared to talk about, but we do it in a way that doesn’t hurt you.

   Sometimes your friends and family members don’t have the insight that we have as therapists and because they are too emotionally invested in you, they aren’t able to see clearly enough to help you through your struggles. As therapists, we are typically able to put our feelings aside at the appropriate moments so that we can get you to your goal.

2. Your therapist can help you with your trauma

   There are many therapists who specialize in treating trauma. Because of our years of training, we are able to help you to talk about, think about and work through traumatic events in your life so that those memories no longer control you. We understand that sometimes, difficult events from your past change you in a deeply personal way.

   While your friends might not be able to understand trauma, or you might not even feel comfortable discussing such personal events with friends and family, your therapist allows you to discuss the darkest parts of your life and we show you how to work through that darkness so that it no longer consumes you. By the way, it’s actually possible to work through trauma without discussing every single detail of your trauma. With our training, we are careful not to blame you, re-traumatize you or make you feel invalidated. We know how sensitive trauma is, and we take great care not to cause you any more harm.

3. Your therapist can help you manage difficult family dynamics

   Not everyone is born into the perfect cookie cutter family. Maybe your family members argue all the time, yell at you and have caused deep pain. Even as an adult, sometimes it’s difficult to maneuver an unsupportive family. Your therapist can teach you how to find support and ways to be assertive- even when your family isn’t giving you what you need. We help you work through the pain that comes from a difficult family and we show you how to grow- even if your family members decide to never change their ways. This is great news. You don’t have to be stuck in life because of your family of origin.

4. Your therapist can help you sleep

   Did you know that your therapist can actually teach your strategies to help you get over insomnia? It’s the best kept secret. There is a treatment called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for insomnia (CBT I or CBTI). It’s a 5 to 7 session treatment that shows you how to change your sleep patterns so that you can actually fall asleep and stay asleep. Not every therapist or physician knows about this treatment. But a few therapists who are specially trained are able to help you get rid of insomnia, get off sleeping pills (with supervision from your prescribing physician) and finally stop dreading nighttime. I happen to be a CBTi therapist. Click here to find out more about this insomnia treatment.

5. Your therapist can help you find your voice again

   This is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes you find yourself going through the motions and you’re unsure if this is the type of life you want to live. You get stuck in the role of people pleaser and you just want to be able to speak your mind. Maybe you’ve been hurt in the past by overzealous, angry people or you’re scared that you’ll hurt people’s feelings if you speak up.

   A great therapist can help you understand why you feel the need to people please, he or she can help you learn solid communication skills so that you know how to effectively tell people what you need, and a great therapist can also teach you how to handle negative feedback appropriately. Who knew that therapists could help you with communication?

6. Your therapist can help you understand yourself better

   One group of people I love to work with are highly sensitive introverts. What’s a Highly Sensitive Person? Click here to find out more about Highly Sensitive People. In summary, HSPs are able to notice little nuances in the environment that others don’t notice, they sometimes say they feel the emotions of others easily, they take some time to observe their environment before jumping in and they tend to need more time than most people to recharge after socializing with others. Being a HSP isn’t a disorder or an illness. It’s simply a trait like brown hair or blue eyes. A trained therapist can help you figure out how to enjoy your life- even as a HSP.

   Even if you’re not a HSP, your therapist can help you better understand why you do the things that you do, feel the things that you feel and why you are who you are. When you understand how you environment and temperament affect your decisions, it helps you maneuver life so much easier.

   Will you ever be willing to see a therapist? As you can see, we do so much more than just nodding and validating your feelings. Depending on the theoretical orientation of the therapist, we could help you understand yourself better, maneuver a difficult family or life situation, manage anxiety, depression and trauma, and we can really help you reach personal goals.

   If you are ready to manage your anxiety, insomnia or improve your relationship, click here to request a free 15-minute phone consultation with me- a therapist in the Murrieta/Temecula area. It’s time to finally overcome anxiety, get the sleep you deserve and improve your relationship.

DOWNLOAD NOW