Is It Time to Give Up or Speak Up? A Faith-Based Path for Christian Women on the Edge of Divorce

When You’re Tired of Trying: What Burnout Looks Like in Marriage

You’ve been married for a few years now, and things have been difficult. Simple communication becomes a nightmare. Simple disagreements feel like warfare. You look around you, and you wonder if other couples are struggling this much. Just when you think things are setting down, something happens again. You wonder if this marriage thing is sustainable for you. You might just be emotionally exhausted. You love your husband so much, and you believe in your heart that marriage is a beautiful institution created by God, but you are tired of fighting. Emotional exhaustion can look like isolating yourself from your husband because you’re on eggshells. It could look like one having surface level conversations with him, because you just don’t have it in you to keep fighting. You love him deeply, but you have no clue how to get to a place of unity.

If you are to be honest with yourself, you have quietly quit your marriage. And as a Black therapist who is also a Christian marriage counselor, I see this so often. You’re not filing for divorce, you don’t bring up separation, but you just stop putting your best foot forward. You stop loving your husband according to his love language, you stop peeling back the layers for your husband to see, you stop speaking to him about what you love or don’t love. You’re essentially roommates.

It could also look like smiling in public, but drowning at home. And this feels heavy all around, So you will struggle in your faith, wondering if God is still on your side. Sometimes it even affects your health because you’re holding on to pain, angst and sorrow. And you finally begin to question who you are. You wrestle with whether or not you’re a good wife, whether or not you are cut out for marriage and in the extreme, whether or not God even loves you.

Should I Stay or Go? How to Discern Without Guilt or Pressure

As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, one of the struggles that I see people go through is feeling like they love their spouses, but they don’t have the energy, desire or bandwidth to fight for their marriage. And it is probably because they have fought for so many years that they do not want to be disappointed. You work about whether or not you were meant to marry him. You begin to go back to all the reasons why you should have not married him or did not heed the warnings of your parents and friends. You worry about what would happen and what people would say if they knew what you were experiencing. You also feel so hurt about all the apologies you have not received, and you can’t bear another disappointing conversation.

But on the other end, you know that if you try to put your best foot forward, there might be hope for your marriage yet, However, you might not be ready to work things out. It is important that you ask God for wisdom and guidance, regarding what to do in your marriage, as opposed to focusing on the external signs you see. For example, if you and your husband are no longer watching movies together, going on your nightly walks, giggling about inside jokes, it does not necessarily mean that your marriage cannot be worked on.

And it might also be wise to ask yourself some important questions.

• Do I want my marriage to thrive?

• Do I have faith that my marriage can thrive?

• Am I willing to put in the work to make my marriage thrive?

• Do I love my husband?

• Am I willing to forgive?

• Am I willing to be forgiven?

• What role do I also play in the marriage breakdown?

How to Speak Up for Yourself—Even If It Changes Everything

If you decide that you are sick and tired of the way things are going, it might be time to seek further clarity from God so that you are not speaking from a place of rage or hurt. It’s important to possibly identify how you marriage got to where it is. But try to be as objective as you can be. So don’t just focus on your husband’s shortcomings, also take a look at yourself. This is not a time to beat up on yourself. You are simply looking at the data so that you can be better. If you do not know where you have been, it is hard to know where you are headed.

After you have done that work, it might be time to approach your husband so that h can also do the work of personal examination. Assertiveness is also a way to put your faith to work. If you are believing that God will restore your marriage, you also need to speak up and put in the work. A healthy marriage doesn’t happen by accident. It actually is the fruit of toil, intentionality and hard work.

It is also important not to minimize your pain and hurt, This is where working with a marriage counselor in Houston comes in. Because you might be in a space in which you feel like giving up, a great therapist can help you put your feelings into words in a way that can be digested and understood by your spouse. When you minimize your pain, it only continues and expands the pain. However when you are able to speak up about what hurts you, it creates an inner strength, your spouse also has an opportunity to be empathetic, and it can be catalyst for change in your marriage. This restores your dignity and strengthens your faith in God.

You’re Not Broken. You Just Need a Safe Place to Begin Again

My job as a Black Christian marriage therapist is to see you and give you a space to open up, speak the truth in love, forgive what needs to be forgiven and revive new life into your marriage. My job is to listen, give you the language to speak your mind and assertively ask for what you need. My job is also to help you bring the word of God alongside your marriage so that Christ can take centerstage. You will reclaim your friendship with your husband, learn how to manage disagreements that come up, know what to do after the disagreements so that you can repair, and grow in intimacy again.

You’ll both get an individual session with me, so that you can get your feelings and perspectives out. You’ll learn how to talk to each other, how to be empathetic towards each other and how to create a marital culture that will glorify God.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Married to a Brilliant Man? Here’s How to Speak Up Without Shutting Down Your Marriage

What It’s Really Like to Be Married to a Highly Intelligent Man

Many of my marriage counseling clients are leaders, high performing women and highly intelligent in their own right, And so, it is not surprising that these women are also married to men who are highly intelligent too. After all, if an intelligent woman is married to a man that can’t hold an intellectual conversation, she might be plagued by a life of boredom and regret.

The struggle happens when both people are so intelligent that they do not leave room for emotions in the relationship. It is important to note that both logic and emotions are great, but we get into trouble when we rely too heavly on one side or the other. If you lean too heavily on logic, you stand the risk of emotionally neglecting your spouse. And if you lean too heavily on emotions, things at home will feel chaotic.

One of the problems that women who are married to highly intelligent, super logical men run into is that they do not feel as if their husbands care about them. It's because their husbands do not take the time to listen to their side of the story, they do not validate their emotions and they generally lack the softness that a lot of women need. Often times they also feel like their husbands are not loving them according to their love languages. Even though their husbands are great providers and protectors, they lack the one thing that they still need- which is quality time or physical touch or acts of service.

Women like this want to be listened to, they want to have a husband that they can vent to, rather than somebody who just provides solutions to their issues. They want a man who can pause, sit with what their wives are saying and then make a decision if that is indeed what their wives need. In other words they are looking for sensitivity and emotional intelligence.

Sometimes logic tends to override the innate knowing that a lot of women have and it often feels frustrating for them because they often feel as if their husbands are expecting them to logically explain their emotions. But emotions cannot always be explained logically. Sometimes things are just intuitive. And they often feel like every conversation is like a court battle. They have to consistently bring in valid, outlined points, rather than being able to be themselves and have a good mix of logic and emotions.

Why You Keep Silencing Yourself (Even When You Don’t Mean To)

After going through the above battle for months, or maybe even years, many women learn to just be silent. They just blindly agree with whatever their husbands say, even though that is not what their husbands actually want. Their husbands are actually caring men who want their marriages to be a partnership, however they do not know how to balance logic with emotions. And although their wives perceive them as uncaring and loving or even callous, that is not the case. They are just men who have not been taught what to do with their emotions.

Perhaps they grew up in environments in which emotions were taboo. Perhaps they grew up in a hyper masculine culture in which men always got the final say, regardless of their wives’ input. So when their wives do want to speak up, they think to themselves “He's not going to listen to me,” “My feelings and thoughts don't matter anyway.” “He does not love me.” “There's no point in speaking up because I'll never be heard.”

She feels like she's already in a losing battle. And this is sad because marriage has nothing to do with battle and everything to do with partnership. She lives with a constant frustration of being misunderstood and dismissed. And so after a while she becomes like a caged bird. She just does what she needs to do and says what she needs to say to avoid an argument. She is exhausted because she knows that she has so much to bring to the table, but she feels like she has already lost the fight.

And so it feels like she is screaming into the void but nobody can hear her. She has tried multiple times to be heard and understood, but it just hasn't;t worked. So she gives up and accepts the status quo that she dislikes.

Faith + Strategy: How to Speak Up with Confidence and Compassion

A happy marriage is not one sided. A happy marriage is actually a partnership in which both the husband and the wife able to speak to one another with compassion, try to understand one another and meet each other's needs. In a happy marriage, both the husband and the wife understand that they are two different individuals. Agape love does not try to seek its own interests. Rather, it seeks to understand, protect and lift up the other person.

In a happy marriage, you can communicate anything you want, but it does matter how you communicate. The old saying goes “You get more bees with honey than with vinegar.” And if we are to root our words in the Bible, the Bible states that “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). It is possible to get your spouse to better understand and support you, but it is important to also learn how to communicate kindly and assertively. It is also important to apply wisdom when you are speaking. James 3:17 says “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.“

Think about tone and timing. Even though you are probably feeling frustrated from not being heard for years, the chances of your husband being able to hear and empathize with you will be a lot lower if you try to communicate in a harsh or condescending way. Just like if your husband communicates with you in a harsh way, you are more likely to shut down, get defensive or become a lot more aggressive with him. So we know that tone matters.

It is also important to get rid of criticism when you're trying to get your needs met. Focus on the behavior that is troubling to you, not your husband's character. For example if you feel like you're not being heard, you can say something like “I feel unheard when we have conversations because I am often interrupted,” as opposed to, “You are a horrible listener.” In the former sentence, you are only focusing on the unwanted behavior. But in the latter sentence, you are making a judgment about your husband’s character. Most people will become defensive once their character is put in question.

Your Voice Matters: Find Support Through Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Please know that you do not have to get louder when you're communicating, you probably just have to get clearer. And it is my job as a Christian marriage therapist in Houston to give you the support you need. I actually give you specific tools and worksheets to use in all the different situations that you might find yourself in. You will learn how to communicate your needs clearly, your husband will also learn how to validate your feelings so that you don't feel ignored any longer. You will learn what to do when you have differences of opinions and things are getting heated. You’ll learn the appropriate way to take a time out and when a time out is actually needed. You will also learn how to repair things after things have gone awry.

Expect that if both of you are willing to actually put in the work in your marriage, you will have a calmer, easier marriage. Marriage is actually not supposed to be difficult, but the problem is many people were not appropriately coached or trained in how to effectively communicate their thoughts and feelings to someone who is drastically different from them.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.