“I think my family is under a generational curse.”
This is a statement that I have heard over and over again. Sometimes people even go as far as to say that certain traits like anger, a loud tone of voice or impatience are part of the generational curse on their family.
When we believe that our parents’ traits (like a hot temper), is a curse, we resign to the idea that we are destined to repeat the cycles of the past.
Thereby creating a self fulfilling prophecy (You believe something will happen, therefore it actually does).
While I believe that parents and grandparents definitely pass down traits to their children, the good news is that we are not doomed by generational curses.
For more information on how families pass down various behaviors to one another, click here to learn more about the multigenerational transmission process.
“But Ibi, if we aren’t doomed by generational curses, then why is it that everyone in my family keeps repeating the same old mistakes?” Well, I’m glad you asked.
We often repeat behaviors we see when we were growing up for various reasons.
Let’s say when you were growing up, your dad always threw things to show his frustration. Then when your mom was frustrated, she yelled at you. You grow up believing that yelling and throwing things are appropriate ways to express your anger.
Perhaps you don’t know any other alternatives.
As you got older, not only did it become acceptable for you to cuss people out, scream and shout, your parents even encouraged you to do so- to show that you were “Strong.” Sometimes your parents actually praised you for having a hot temper. As you might know, praise tends to encourage behavior. So you continued in this pattern.
When you moved out of your neighborhood, you had to maintain this hot temper so that you were not taken advantage of. Eventually, you exhibited the hot temper at work. Your boss and coworkers are stunned at how quick you can flip, but you do not try to change your behavior- because your hot temper is a generational curse. You’ve resigned yourself to this.
Let’s look at it from another lens.
Breaking away from toxic family behaviors
Your upbringing was the same- dad threw things, mom yelled. You also became a yeller as you got older. However when you got to college, these behaviors became problematic for you. You began to struggle with professors, supervisors and other students.
You decide to seek help for your temper. Let’s say you seek out a licensed therapist. You learn different ways to communicate your feelings and help others understand what you need. You learn what your triggers are, set boundaries with loved ones and you learn to be more assertive- rather than aggressive.
Your life changes for the better
Very soon, you begin to thrive at work and your relationships blossom. Because you decided to take a step to break that generational curse, your kids won’t struggle with the same problem that you and your parents did.
Instead, they will inherit a legacy of clear communication, empathy and understanding. When they are upset, you teach them healthy communication tools, you listen to them, validate them and show them how to be assertive, rather than aggressive.
While your family of origin can influence your future, they do not have to determine it. You might have learned quite a lot of behaviors that served your parents well, but if those behaviors no longer serve you, you have the power to work on changing them.
Remember that!
Cheers to now being a generational curse breaker and stopping the cycle of toxicity in your family.
Seek help from a licensed therapist in Murrieta/Temecula
If you realize that you were raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to break the toxic family cycle, ditch anxiety and learn how to speak up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I provide therapy services of counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area. I also provide online counseling for California residents online.
You are a change maker.