Marriage is such a beautiful thing- two people in love coming together to make a life together. But what happens after a few years when the butterflies fade? Sometimes you look at your spouse and wonder why you can’t just get along. You wonder why you married him, and you suddenly realize that you do not know how to communicate with your spouse.
One of the biggest struggles I see when I work with couples in marriage counseling in Temecula, is that they do not know how to talk to one another in a way that the other person can easily understand and accept.
But never fear, communication in marriage is a skill that anyone can learn.
Here is how to easily communicate almost anything in your marriage.
Prepare for the Conversation
Know what outcome you’re looking for before you communicate.
The outcome of the communication determines what your goal actually say. Is your purpose to clarify something that seems unclear? Is your purpose to apologize for a wrong you’ve done? (Yes, apologies should happen often in marriage). Is your purpose to seek understanding and improve friendship? Or is your purpose to problem solve and brainstorm a situation?
Pick 1 issue at a time. Your marriage can’t take nit picking.
In marriage counseling, typically couples talk about too many issues at once. This often leads to a feeling of overwhelm, anxiety, or just frustration. When you talk about too many issues at once, it is almost impossible to fix them all in one sitting.
To fix this, focus on one issue at the time, and make sure you keep the main thing the main thing. So for example, if the purpose of the conversation is to brainstorm how you're going to spend your summer, focus on summer plans alone.
This is not the time to talk about the kids going back to school, previous marital struggles or your career.
Pick one issue, talk through the issue, and only move on to another issue if both of you have the emotional bandwidth to have another discussion.
Pick an appropriate time or set an appointment
Now I know that the idea of setting an appointment with your spouse in a marriage is not sexy at all. But clear communication is very sex-it helps your spouse have clarity when you are speaking.
If you know that you're ready to discuss something heavy or something important, let your spouse know that you have something important to talk about, and ask them what their schedule looks like over the next week. After you do that, pick an appropriate time that would be free from distractions. There's no bigger frustration than trying to talk to your husband when he is watching a UFC fight. He will have one eye on the fight, and one eye on you, creating a feeling of irritation on your part. So set an appointment.
Time to talk. How to talk and what to say.
Step 1: “I statements” never fail
Another mistake that most couples make when I see them in marriage counseling, is that they keep the conversation focused on their spouse. I hear them say “You never do …”, “You always do…” They keep the conversation focused on “You, you, you.”
When your spouse hears the word ‘you,’ they immediately feel attacked. And when someone feels attacked their fight or flight reaction kicks in. So most people either shut down during the conversation, or will feel the need to defend themselves and start a fight.
But what do you want is for your spouse to be open, put their walls down, open their ears, so that they can truly understand what you are communicating.
To provide such a positive environment it is important to use I statements. So try starting with, I feel like [insert].
Step 2: Have the listener reflect back what the speaker is saying
When your spouse is communicating something important to you, focus on truly understanding what they are saying.
Stay quiet so that you can capture everything that they are saying. Resist the urge to correct them, to argue with them, or to be defensive. After every sentence, or every other sentence, repeat back what you hear them saying to you.
This gives them the chance to also hear what they are saying to you. It is important that you reflect back, so that your spouse can correct you if you have heard their statement incorrectly. Once you reflect their statement, and your partner has agreed that what you have reflected back is indeed accurate, then your spouse continue to talk.
Keep reflecting his statements, until he is done addressing that one issue.
Step 3: Validate your spouse
This is a step that most couples skip. When your husband or wife says something important to you, take time to listen, reflect, then validate their feelings. Validation is something as simple as "I can't understand why you feel that way." Or “I can see why you would be upset.”
Watch your tone here, so that you don't come across as sarcastic or disrespectful. Also watch those facial expressions. Remember the idea here is to come to a place of understanding, NOT fight each other.
Step 4: The listener can now speak
Once the person speaking is done, and the listener has reflected back what he or she has heard, it is now time for the listener to have their turn speaking.
And the same rules apply.
When the listener becomes the speaker, the other spouse must stay quiet, and then reflect back what they think they are hearing. If the person speaking has a correction to make, then he or she can then correct the person that was speaking.
It is important that we slow down our communication, to prevent anything we say from being misconstrued, when your partner does misconstrue your statements, it is OK to have them pause so that you can correct them.
Step 5: Seal it with a kiss (Or a hug or a hand hold or whatever form of affection you like)
And to seal everything off when you're done addressing that one issue, feel free to hold your partner’s hand, give them a kiss, a hug and apologize or just repair what was broken a few minutes ago.
Remember that good communication in marriage is possible for everyone, however it does take a whole lot of practice. But the more you practice, the better you get at these communication skills.
If you feel like you and your spouse are having a difficult time in your marriage, you don't see eye to eye, and you feel like your friendship is dwindling, click here to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, to see if marriage counseling in Temecula is right for you.
I also provide Christian marriage counseling in the Murrieta, Temecula area.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: