You Don’t Have to Carry It All: Releasing the Emotional Load You Were Never Meant to Hold

The Emotional Weight Highly Sensitive Women Entrepreneurs Carry

As a highly sensitive woman, people around you probably view you as strong, empathetic and capable. You are the go to for people at home and at work. They know that if they ask you to complete tasks, you will not only complete it, but it will be completed ahead of schedule, without mistakes and excellently at that. And because of this, you pride yourself in being a woman of excellence. You know that no one has to repeat instructions given to you. You even get excited when people marvel at how well you complete projects, how good you are with time management and how you’re able to juggle so many responsibilities without complaints.

But now let’s talk about the downside of excellence. You have gained a reputation for being so good a what you do, that you slowly became a people pleaser. Even in the moments when you know that the project is too much for you, you decide to take it on alone because you want to keep people happy. Because the expectations of others have grown too big for your shoulders, you have also developed a level of worry and anxiety. You’re trying desperately to maintain your reputation of the woman who does all things well. You also have started to work so much harder than most people. While you have increased in skill, the problem with this is you find yourself unnecessarily exhausted, you’re beginning to be resentful of others, and in all honesty, you’re enabling others to be lazy.

You find yourself breaking your back. Your new motto is- “I can keep going as long as everyone else is okay.” But are you okay? Do you enjoy sitting in burnout? Do you enjoy not using your voice? Although the people around you are pleased with your performance, you are tired. They applaud you, they smile at you, but they really don’t even know how burdensome life has become for you.

Chronic fatigue has set in. You struggle to sleep at night, because you are burning the candle at both ends. You can’t sleep peacefully because you are always worried about your immense workload. Or sometimes rather than rest, you bring work home. You wonder why your team won’t jump in or volunteer themselves for the job. And now you are completely annoyed and bitter. As a therapist for entrepreneurs in Houston. I see this all the time. You have become someone you are not proud of. You’re tired, you cry sometimes, you’re overwhelmed and you feel stuck.

Come to Me and Rest: Jesus’ Invitation to Lay Down the Load

Even though you currently feel stuck, know that you’re not actually stuck. There is always a way out. It is possible to work with excellence, without engaging in hustle culture. Hustle culture tells you “Sleep when you’re dead.” But the way of hardwork says “Do everything with excellence, be assertive and take care of yourself.” Notice that all three things can exist at the same time. Jesus knew we would have moments and seasons of tiredness, so He said:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).”

As a Christian therapist in Houston, I know very well that our behavior usually starts with the thoughts we have. One follows the other. The first step in laying your burdens down is to to identify what you burdens are. Get out a pen and a paper, take a deep breath, and begin to write out what your burdens are. Are they at home? At work? With your kids? In your marriage? With your family? About your health? Your self esteem? Are you doing too much? Too busy?

-What emotions are drowning you? It could be shame, anger, resentment, bitterness, overwhelm, depression or even anxiety. Write it all down. Because sometimes you are carrying something that God never asked you to.

-The next step is to repent for moving into a path that you were not asked to.

-Then step 3 is to ask God for clarity so you can begin to lay those burdens down.

Here is a simple prompt for you as you start on your journey to working hard without hustle and overwhelm. The first is an affirmation:

Today I choose myself. I choose my health. I choose wisdom and I lay down [insert burdens here].

I will speak up when I am overworked. I will rest when I am tired. I will assert myself when I am being stepped on. I will ask God for clarity before taking on another task. I put down the desire to be perfect or to please others. I desire to please God alone.

Trauma, Anxiety, and Over-Responsibility

If you have found yourself in the constant cycle of working harder than you should, do not be too hard on yourself. As a trauma therapist in Houston, I have seen time and time again that one’s behavior might be rooted in your upbringing and past experiences. You had so many difficult things happen to you that you are constantly on edge. You wish to stay under the radar so that you remain out of the crosshairs. You blame yourself for little mistakes on the job or at home, because that’s how it was when you were younger. You were expected to perform at a high level, you were never good enough and your opinions were not even considered.

And now you experience anxiety in every aspect of your life. Even though you are excellent at your job, you secretly worry that you’lll get fired or lose it all. You make a great living, but there is still fear that something will go wrong. As a mom, you are constantly doubting yourself and wondering if you’re failing. With your friendships, you only open up so much, because you have been hurt so much and expect that it’ll happen again.

Please know that you are not weak and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just that you have been in survival mode. You stay on edge thinking that something bad will happen. But the great thing is that survival mode can be overcome. Even survival mode in highly sensitive women can be changed.

Emotional Release Is Important: Crying, Journaling, and Letting Go

I know that you have always had to hold it together for everyone around you. You are the go to- the woman with the strong shoulders. But it is time for you to move from survival mode to thriving mode. Let's first start by allowing yourself to actually express your emotions. Afteall, you are a highly sensitive woman who has deep emotions. And as a Christian therapist in Houston, I strongly believe that emotions are healthy and natural, as long as we utilize them well. I know that when you were growing up, nobody cared to listen to what you had to say. And when you finally were given a chance to express yourself, you were met with comments like "You're too sensitive,” “You cry too much,” Or “Why are you so upset?" But it is time to actually allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that you possess.

I'm not talking about being completely controlled by emotions. Of course you will continue to be a rational woman. But it is time to learn how to balance your rational mind with your emotional mind. Emotional expression is healthy and normal. Good emotional expression actually helps you tap into what you need, so that you can actually move to the stage in which you can talk to people about what you need. Emotional expression is also cathartic. The emotion moves from sitting heavily on your chest to moving out of your body. It is like laying down a heavy burden. By allowing yourself to express yourself emotionally, you actually begin to heal past wounds.

Some ways to begin to allow for emotional expression:

• Learn to sit quietly alone and journal. If you’re not used to writing, then just meditate on a scripture that speaks about your current situation.

• Write everything that that scripture is speaking to you. Don't force it, let it just flow naturally.

• Then ask yourself how the situation or the scripture ties into what you need in this season. Ask yourself who can provide what it is that you need then begin to come up with a way to ask the person for what you need. Ensure that this is someone who can actually receive what it is that you have to say, not someone who is selfish or looking to trample you.

  There also is some great merit in seeking emotional expression through therapy. I'm a Black therapist in Houston who is also a Christian therapist in Houston and I love working at the intersection of culture and faith. Doing a therapy session, this is a great time to release emotionally. You may speak, you may be silent, you may cry, you may complain, you may vent, but you will eventually get to a place where you begin to heal past wounds and resolve problems. You will learn how to give yourself what you need, be compassionate with yourself, but understand yourself, and finally be able to assert yourself in a gentle but clear way so that other people can have a better understanding of your emotional needs.

What Therapy for Christian Entrepreneurs Can Do

(Keywords: Christian therapist Houston, therapy for entrepreneurs)

Perhaps you have thought about going to therapy, but you wonder if it is worth the time and investment. You also know that your relationship with Christ is the most important thing in your life, and you wonder if Christian therapy even exists. You've heard a lot of stories about therapy and you just don't know if it is for you. But give it a try. Because therapy is not just healing, it is a way to strategically care for your soul. Because your soul is made up of your mind your will and your emotions.

In the process of therapy, your strength is renewed, you gain a great sense of clarity, you begin to understand how certain traumas have negatively affected you, you start to lay difficult burdens down and step into who the Lord actually wants you to become. Therapy can help you with better decision making both at home and in your business. You become more grounded and less controlled by emotions.

But I would not advise that you do therapy with just anyone. It is important to pick a Christian therapist in Houston who understands that engaging in therapy with someone who understands both your Christian faith and business can be transformative. Because you can only take your business as far as your emotional level.

You were never meant to carry everything alone. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and unseen, I’m here. I offer Christian therapy in Houston for highly sensitive, high-achieving women, so that they can trade anxiety for rest. Book a free consult for Christian therapy in Houston now and let’s lighten the load together.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

When You’re the Strong One: How to Speak Up Without Feeling Guilty

Why Highly Sensitive Women in Houston Struggle to Speak Up

As a licensed marriage and family therapist in Houston, one of my favorite groups of people to work with is highly sensitive women. Because they are few and far between, they’re highly overworked, they struggle to understand themselves, but they put so much time and energy into pouring into others. I enjoy helping highly sensitive women better understand their traits, come to acceptance of who they are and use their gifts to serve people in a healthier way.

Because the life of burnout is not the life that God intended for you and for me. I find that most highly sensitive women who come to me for therapy typically are the go to everywhere they are. Because they are high performing, they pay attention to detail and they have deep amounts of empathy, people generally see them as the one that can be looked up to for everything.

Because many highly sensitive women love people, they take on this helper role full force. Even in the workplace, they tend to go above and beyond, sometimes ending up in burnout. Burn out typically starts off when you're someone who loves others, others know that you are capable, so they come to you for everything. But because you have a fear of disappointing them, you fail to set boundaries and say "No." And so the work and responsibilities keep piling up higher and higher until you feel like your shoulders are breaking. Because you are silent, nobody actually knows what you're experiencing, and they keep piling the work on. It is an exhausting cycle.

And sometimes, societal, cultural and church messaging have actually reinforced silence. Because you are often praised for how much you are able to accomplish, you are called to volunteer over and over again without anybody actually asking if the load is too much. Because you are the one who checks up on others, you are seldom checked up on. So your drowning is actually celebrated rather than helped. It becomes “Wow, I can’t believe you can accomplish so much,” rather than, “Can I take some things off your plate?’ This is why I offer therapy for entrepreneurs in Houston. Because it’s important to be able to chase your dreams while setting healthy boundaries.

If you find yourself thinking “I want to speak up, but I don't want to hurt anyone." Then you are in great company. Consirr the scripture: Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” — Galatians 1:10. This should be your benchmark when you are trying to set boundaries. It is okay if some people are upset by your boundaries, as long as you are not upsetting God. And yes, as a Christian therapist in Houston, I love helping set women free from the burden of carrying everyone on their shoulders when they don’t have to.

Guilt vs. Grace: What the Bible Says About Setting Boundaries

Please remember that as a highly sensitive Christian woman, you're not called to guilt, rather you are called to grace. A good benchmark that you can have when trying to figure out whether to accept an assignment or not, is to seek God's approval first. People pleasing can be a real thing when you're a highly sensitive woman. You feel extremely uncomfortable when people are unhappy with you or when negative comments are made about you. You want to prove to others that you are a good person. But remember that a drowning woman who is well liked by others is not the goal. Your goal when you go through Christian therapy in Houston is to become someone who is loved by God, approved by God and is also taking care of yourself.

In order to be an effective woman who takes care of others without burnout, you should walk in wisdom and protect your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.“ What use is it if you are serving everyone, completing projects, getting the applause, but because you are overworked and overwhelmed, your heart actually becomes bitter, grieved or resentful? Then all the work you would have done would be the result of lip service.

Think of healthy boundary setting as an act of love for yourself and others. With appropriate boundaries you teach others how to love you, how to think about your best interests and how to actually complete tasks themselves. You stop your role as the enabler, and teach them to pause and think before asking you for help. You also learn how to stand up for yourself, how to get your needs met and how to truly rest when you need to.

A simple way to begin your journey of boundary setting is to give yourself 48 hours before responding to a request. Sleep on it (So that you’re not responding based on a temporary emotions), pray on it (So you receive clarity and boldness to respond appropriately), ask yourself if you actually have the desire and/or the bandwidth to take on an extra task. Just because you can do something does not mean you should.

And if you decide to turn the request down, here’s a simple sentence you can respond with:

“I am unable to fulfill your request at this time.” Simple and straightforward.

Repeat after me: I deserve to be taken care of just like everyone else. I deserve love, attention and rest. The world will not crumble if I decline a request.

Healing the Root: How Trauma Shapes People-Pleasing Patterns

As a trauma therapist for women in Houston, I know how impactful our adverse childhood experiences can be on the way we do life as adults. If you grew up in an environment in which you were not allowed to make decisions that were in your best interest, you might end up as an adult who cowers down to others. Or if you were raised to believe that thinking about needs was selfish, you could end up as a woman who caters to everyone without thinking about what you would need for yourself.

For some women, you might even accept the thoughts and negative ways of others just to avoid conflict. Perhaps you come from a high conflict family in which a dissenting opinion leads to an argument or some sort of scary backlash. Even though you are no longer in that situation, it has made such an impression on you that you are desperately trying to avoid being talked down to, looked down upon or being embroiled in conflict.

As a trauma therapist in Houston, I would love you to please note that conflict avoidance isn’t encoded into your DNA. Rather, it is simply a survival mechanism you took on in order to keep yourself safe. You’re essentially a survivalist. You got tired of being yelled at, getting in trouble and defending yourself, so you decided to take the path of least resistance which is to just accommodate others and avoid conflict.

When I engage in therapy for highly sensitive women, I help them understand that their upbringing and experiences have shaped them into who they are today. Being scared is probably not your nature. You do not run away by nature. These were brought on by your environment. This means that you can learn how to assertively, but kindly ask fo what you need. It starts by rewriting some of your childhood experiences and reframing them according to what actually happened. For example, if you view yourself as a scared person who cannot speak up, we can dig into the roots of how you came to be this way. We can focus on times in your childhood when you actually did speak up, but were punished or chastised for this. You learn that we can actually reset you to who you really are. This is a very simplistic example, but you get the point. We rewrite the story more objectively than how you remember it to be.

Practical Phrases to Assert Yourself Without Apologizing

Now that you know that standing up for yourself is an option, we can start crafting gentle but bold statements that will help you stand up for yourself. Let’s start with a few scenarios. As a Christian therapist in Houston, kindness is an important value that most of my clients want to uphold.

Scenario 1: Your family members always come to you to settle a dispute with someone else who is not in the room with you. They typically will call you without informing the other person, because they expect you to take their side.

What to say: “Thank you for informing me about your disagreement with [person x], in order to resolve this dispute, may I add her to our call right now so we may get a resolution?”

The person will either say “Yes” and then you play the middle man. But most likely, she will say “No.” If she tries this again, you give the same response. In no time, she’ll stop roping you into her disputes.

Scenario 2: This scenario is great for my entrepreneurs (Check out therapy for entrepreneurs in Houston). You notice that because you’re such an efficient worker, your coworkers have been dumping work on you. It’s gone on for months and you’ve been unable to stand up for yourself. But today, you decided to reset your mind and shake off the unwanted burden.

What to say: “Hi Sarah, I notice that you volunteered me for that new project. I wanted to inform you that I will be unable to take it on due to my workload. I however do trust that you will be a great candidate for the job. I believe in you.

This is subtle, to the point and does not leave room for an argument.

Before using the above statements, you might want to pump yourself up with a positive affirmation, deep breathing or grounding. Please know that you can still be kind and clear while being assertive. Assertiveness is not the opposite of kindness.

Assertiveness as a Spiritual Discipline

One of my favorite things about Jesus is that He Wass compassionate AND he had amazing boundaries. There were times when he was found napping in the boat- even though the wind was raging. He knew He needed His rest, so He didn't even let the storm bother him. That is a boundary.

There were also times when Jesus retreated from the crowds, or when He went somewhere with just 3 disciples, rather than taking all the 12. Do you think the other 9 disciples felt weird that they weren't invited? I have no clue, But what I do know is that He held tightly to His boundary anyway.

Spiritual maturity looks like telling the truth in love. Now, as a Christian therapist in Houston, I do not believe in cutting people down, gossiping or lying to them. But when the truth is seasoned with love, it goes down a lot better. Ephesians 4:15 says “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.“ Speaking up isn’t just about personal wmpoermwnt, it is also a sign of spiritual growth. That we don’t sweep things under the rug. We expose them so that we and others can actually learn.

Feeling worn down from always being the “strong one” who carries the weight alone? As a Christian therapist in Houston, I help highly sensitive women speak up with clarity and peace. Let’s explore therapy designed for your brilliant, tender spirit. Book a free consult for therapy for highly sensitive women in Houston today.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Is It Time to Give Up or Speak Up? A Faith-Based Path for Christian Women on the Edge of Divorce

When You’re Tired of Trying: What Burnout Looks Like in Marriage

You’ve been married for a few years now, and things have been difficult. Simple communication becomes a nightmare. Simple disagreements feel like warfare. You look around you, and you wonder if other couples are struggling this much. Just when you think things are setting down, something happens again. You wonder if this marriage thing is sustainable for you. You might just be emotionally exhausted. You love your husband so much, and you believe in your heart that marriage is a beautiful institution created by God, but you are tired of fighting. Emotional exhaustion can look like isolating yourself from your husband because you’re on eggshells. It could look like one having surface level conversations with him, because you just don’t have it in you to keep fighting. You love him deeply, but you have no clue how to get to a place of unity.

If you are to be honest with yourself, you have quietly quit your marriage. And as a Black therapist who is also a Christian marriage counselor, I see this so often. You’re not filing for divorce, you don’t bring up separation, but you just stop putting your best foot forward. You stop loving your husband according to his love language, you stop peeling back the layers for your husband to see, you stop speaking to him about what you love or don’t love. You’re essentially roommates.

It could also look like smiling in public, but drowning at home. And this feels heavy all around, So you will struggle in your faith, wondering if God is still on your side. Sometimes it even affects your health because you’re holding on to pain, angst and sorrow. And you finally begin to question who you are. You wrestle with whether or not you’re a good wife, whether or not you are cut out for marriage and in the extreme, whether or not God even loves you.

Should I Stay or Go? How to Discern Without Guilt or Pressure

As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, one of the struggles that I see people go through is feeling like they love their spouses, but they don’t have the energy, desire or bandwidth to fight for their marriage. And it is probably because they have fought for so many years that they do not want to be disappointed. You work about whether or not you were meant to marry him. You begin to go back to all the reasons why you should have not married him or did not heed the warnings of your parents and friends. You worry about what would happen and what people would say if they knew what you were experiencing. You also feel so hurt about all the apologies you have not received, and you can’t bear another disappointing conversation.

But on the other end, you know that if you try to put your best foot forward, there might be hope for your marriage yet, However, you might not be ready to work things out. It is important that you ask God for wisdom and guidance, regarding what to do in your marriage, as opposed to focusing on the external signs you see. For example, if you and your husband are no longer watching movies together, going on your nightly walks, giggling about inside jokes, it does not necessarily mean that your marriage cannot be worked on.

And it might also be wise to ask yourself some important questions.

• Do I want my marriage to thrive?

• Do I have faith that my marriage can thrive?

• Am I willing to put in the work to make my marriage thrive?

• Do I love my husband?

• Am I willing to forgive?

• Am I willing to be forgiven?

• What role do I also play in the marriage breakdown?

How to Speak Up for Yourself—Even If It Changes Everything

If you decide that you are sick and tired of the way things are going, it might be time to seek further clarity from God so that you are not speaking from a place of rage or hurt. It’s important to possibly identify how you marriage got to where it is. But try to be as objective as you can be. So don’t just focus on your husband’s shortcomings, also take a look at yourself. This is not a time to beat up on yourself. You are simply looking at the data so that you can be better. If you do not know where you have been, it is hard to know where you are headed.

After you have done that work, it might be time to approach your husband so that h can also do the work of personal examination. Assertiveness is also a way to put your faith to work. If you are believing that God will restore your marriage, you also need to speak up and put in the work. A healthy marriage doesn’t happen by accident. It actually is the fruit of toil, intentionality and hard work.

It is also important not to minimize your pain and hurt, This is where working with a marriage counselor in Houston comes in. Because you might be in a space in which you feel like giving up, a great therapist can help you put your feelings into words in a way that can be digested and understood by your spouse. When you minimize your pain, it only continues and expands the pain. However when you are able to speak up about what hurts you, it creates an inner strength, your spouse also has an opportunity to be empathetic, and it can be catalyst for change in your marriage. This restores your dignity and strengthens your faith in God.

You’re Not Broken. You Just Need a Safe Place to Begin Again

My job as a Black Christian marriage therapist is to see you and give you a space to open up, speak the truth in love, forgive what needs to be forgiven and revive new life into your marriage. My job is to listen, give you the language to speak your mind and assertively ask for what you need. My job is also to help you bring the word of God alongside your marriage so that Christ can take centerstage. You will reclaim your friendship with your husband, learn how to manage disagreements that come up, know what to do after the disagreements so that you can repair, and grow in intimacy again.

You’ll both get an individual session with me, so that you can get your feelings and perspectives out. You’ll learn how to talk to each other, how to be empathetic towards each other and how to create a marital culture that will glorify God.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Fighting the Same Fight Over and Over? What Christian Women Need to Know About Perpetual Arguments

Why You Keep Having the Same Arguments in Marriage

If you and your spouse have been having the same old problems over and over again, never fear. Majority of the arguments that couples have are actually perpetual- and emotionally exhausting. And yes, that includes Christian couples too. The problem that you are falling into is that you are trying super hard to solve every problem or convince your spouse that you are right, But what if you spent your time trying to understand your spouse’s point of view? Understand his perspective. Wouldn’t that work wonders for you? When I see couples during Christian marriage counseling in Houston, I notice that the source of these perpetual problems is unmet needs. One partner feels largely unseen or unheard. Another partner might feel like his values aren’t being respected or that his perspective doesn’t matter. And sometimes the argument stems from childhood stuff. People shut you up when you were little, so you vowed that everyone will hear your voice.

Perpetual problems are those arguments that keep showing up. And many times, they actually can’t be solved. Sometimes these problems are rooted in your own values. And we all know that values don’t easily shift. If you are trying to convince your spouse to change his mind based on his values, you are going to end up feeling very frustrated as your conversation will end up in a stalemate.

Solvable problems, on the other hand, are often not rooted in your values. If both of you communicate appropriately, you will be able to come to a joint conclusion about what to do- as long as your main goal is not to convince your spouse that you are always right. Solvable problems might also include compromise.

Intelligent couples sometimes repeat the same old fights because they are used to being in charge in other spheres- at church, with the kids, in the community, and at work. They are also used to having much knowledge and others bending to their will. In some situations, you also have a great memory, and so you start to list off points as if you’re in court. When either you or your spouse doesn't feel heard, then most likely, one of you will dig their heels in the ground- leading to a stalemate.

But what if we embraced the Christian value of reconciliation, being slow to speak and quick to listen? What if you embraced the value of apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions, rather than justifying them? What if you chose peace over being right?

What’s Really Behind the Conflict? (Hint: It’s Not Just the Topic)

If you and you husband are caught in this same perpetual argument process, take a step back and ask yourself what is underneath the argument? Because it is certainly not about putting the towel seat down, throwing dirty clothes in the hamper or being on time for events. Dig deeper. Maybe it’s about not being hard. Maybe you’re frustrated because you do not feel as if you can trust or lean on your spouse. You think to yourself “If he can’t throw dirty clothes in the hamper, will he be able to take care of me in my old age?” Or “If she keeps interrupting me when I talk, then does she actually care about my needs?” Dig deeper and address those unmet needs, rather than perpetually talking about surface level issues.

As a Black therapist in Houston, I notice that a big need that often gets unmet is the need for respect. So often, we grow up in environments that didn’t give us what we need. We were disrespected by mothers, fathers, friends, caregivers and even people in church. We have experienced being talked down to, overlooked and maybe even laughed at. And so when you are in a moment in which your husband or your wife is speaking over you, not agreeing with your opinion, or seemingly ignoring you, it takes you to a place of pain and upset. But rather than communicating your real need, you dig your heels in and argue about the toilet seat instead.

Another big need that many of my client have is simply deep connection with their spouse. Rather than saying that they feel lonely, they want to be loved according to their love language, or that they are scared, they make the argument about “You don’t care about me.” Or “You don’t love me.” Saying those words lead to deeper arguments, but they don’t hit the mark.

Safety is another need that goes unmet. And when I say safety, I don’t mean domestic violence. I mean emotional safety. The assurance that one matters. The assurance that you are seen, loved and cared for. The assurance that you can go to your spouse with your vulnerabilities and you will be held with gentleness and empathy. Many people deeply yearn for this but are never able to articulate this need because it might feel embarrassing or foreign.

So ask yourself “What is underneath my anger? What does this moment trigger from my past? What is my deepest need?” Begin to speak these things to your spouse so that he can better understand you. And ask him to do the same with you. Remember to use “I” statements and do not be insulting or critical. Focus on your needs, not his shortcomings.

Breaking the Cycle: A Faith-Based Plan to Interrupt Conflict Patterns

To break the cycle of perpetual problems, frequent arguments and misunderstandings, it is important to do one thing differently. Think about how your arguments begin. It could be that your husband says something, then you respond in a mean way, and then yelling ensues. Think about your role in the perpetual arguments. If your role is that you typically get defensive, then it is time to pause. Remind yourself that your spouse is not your enemy and he deserves to be heard just as much as you deserve to be heard. Remember that he's not attacking you. He is simply stating his point of view. If there are hurtful statements that he makes often, point them out so that he knows to change them. If he does not know how to change them, then teach him how to speak to you. And have him do the same for you.

Whenever you're about to have intense conversation, take some time to pray together and invite the Holy Spirit to be your guide. Very often we forget the impact that prayer can have in softening our hearts, given us wisdom, bridling our tongues, and allowing us to communicate gently and appropriately. If both of you confess that you are Christians, and it is time to include your values even in your disagreements.

Sometimes when things are getting too heated, it might be time for silence, space or softness. Do not feel like you have to respond to every rude comment your husband makes. Sometimes your silence is enough to provide him with correction. Sometimes it is important to just ignore his unwise comments. And sometimes it is important to just create space between you and your husband. If the conversation gets to a point in which nobody is listening, then take a time out. One of you needs to say something like this; “I’m noticing our conversation is becoming disrespectful. Let’s take 30 minutes to cool down.” And then both of you retreat to different rooms. During a time out, you are not to stew about the argument- that will only enrage you. Rather, focus on something else to distract your mind. You can even use it as a time of prayer.

You don't have to wait until your husband completely changes or is a perfect Christian to begin to implement these things. It only takes one person to shift a negative dynamic. You can be the example in your home.

You’re Not Alone: Work with a Black Christian Therapist in Houston Who Gets It

Marital strife feels completely exhausting. It affects your mood, it affects the way you behave with your kids, it leads you to bitterness, sadness and even tears. Maybe you’ve tried everything possible. You’ve prayed, you’ve chosen the silent approach and the loud approach, but nothing seems to be working. Maybe your marriage issues are getting worse. Do not fear. When you work with me- A Black therapist in Houston, I’ll break things down in a way that both you and your husband can receive. You’ll get practical tools to help you communicate in a loving, but assertive manner. We will also be able to utilize your biblicalvlaues so that you are guided by The Holy Spirit in your marriage. Because you don’t have to put your beliefs aside to be in marriage therapy.

Once you receive professional outside support, your marriage can become a place of peace, a place of comfort. No more walking on egg shells or waiting for the other shoe to drop. Your kids will finally get to witness what a healthy marriage is. You can finally break the cycle of bad marriages in your family.

If you’re a Christian woman feeling stuck in the same painful cycle with your spouse, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Let’s work together to rebuild clarity, connection, and calm in your marriage.
Schedule your free 15-minute consultation today for Christian marriage counseling in Houston with a Black therapist who understands the pressures of high-achieving women.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.