When You’re the Strong One: How to Speak Up Without Feeling Guilty
Why Highly Sensitive Women in Houston Struggle to Speak Up
As a licensed marriage and family therapist in Houston, one of my favorite groups of people to work with is highly sensitive women. Because they are few and far between, they’re highly overworked, they struggle to understand themselves, but they put so much time and energy into pouring into others. I enjoy helping highly sensitive women better understand their traits, come to acceptance of who they are and use their gifts to serve people in a healthier way.
Because the life of burnout is not the life that God intended for you and for me. I find that most highly sensitive women who come to me for therapy typically are the go to everywhere they are. Because they are high performing, they pay attention to detail and they have deep amounts of empathy, people generally see them as the one that can be looked up to for everything.
Because many highly sensitive women love people, they take on this helper role full force. Even in the workplace, they tend to go above and beyond, sometimes ending up in burnout. Burn out typically starts off when you're someone who loves others, others know that you are capable, so they come to you for everything. But because you have a fear of disappointing them, you fail to set boundaries and say "No." And so the work and responsibilities keep piling up higher and higher until you feel like your shoulders are breaking. Because you are silent, nobody actually knows what you're experiencing, and they keep piling the work on. It is an exhausting cycle.
And sometimes, societal, cultural and church messaging have actually reinforced silence. Because you are often praised for how much you are able to accomplish, you are called to volunteer over and over again without anybody actually asking if the load is too much. Because you are the one who checks up on others, you are seldom checked up on. So your drowning is actually celebrated rather than helped. It becomes “Wow, I can’t believe you can accomplish so much,” rather than, “Can I take some things off your plate?’ This is why I offer therapy for entrepreneurs in Houston. Because it’s important to be able to chase your dreams while setting healthy boundaries.
If you find yourself thinking “I want to speak up, but I don't want to hurt anyone." Then you are in great company. Consirr the scripture: Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” — Galatians 1:10. This should be your benchmark when you are trying to set boundaries. It is okay if some people are upset by your boundaries, as long as you are not upsetting God. And yes, as a Christian therapist in Houston, I love helping set women free from the burden of carrying everyone on their shoulders when they don’t have to.
Guilt vs. Grace: What the Bible Says About Setting Boundaries
Please remember that as a highly sensitive Christian woman, you're not called to guilt, rather you are called to grace. A good benchmark that you can have when trying to figure out whether to accept an assignment or not, is to seek God's approval first. People pleasing can be a real thing when you're a highly sensitive woman. You feel extremely uncomfortable when people are unhappy with you or when negative comments are made about you. You want to prove to others that you are a good person. But remember that a drowning woman who is well liked by others is not the goal. Your goal when you go through Christian therapy in Houston is to become someone who is loved by God, approved by God and is also taking care of yourself.
In order to be an effective woman who takes care of others without burnout, you should walk in wisdom and protect your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.“ What use is it if you are serving everyone, completing projects, getting the applause, but because you are overworked and overwhelmed, your heart actually becomes bitter, grieved or resentful? Then all the work you would have done would be the result of lip service.
Think of healthy boundary setting as an act of love for yourself and others. With appropriate boundaries you teach others how to love you, how to think about your best interests and how to actually complete tasks themselves. You stop your role as the enabler, and teach them to pause and think before asking you for help. You also learn how to stand up for yourself, how to get your needs met and how to truly rest when you need to.
A simple way to begin your journey of boundary setting is to give yourself 48 hours before responding to a request. Sleep on it (So that you’re not responding based on a temporary emotions), pray on it (So you receive clarity and boldness to respond appropriately), ask yourself if you actually have the desire and/or the bandwidth to take on an extra task. Just because you can do something does not mean you should.
And if you decide to turn the request down, here’s a simple sentence you can respond with:
“I am unable to fulfill your request at this time.” Simple and straightforward.
Repeat after me: I deserve to be taken care of just like everyone else. I deserve love, attention and rest. The world will not crumble if I decline a request.
Healing the Root: How Trauma Shapes People-Pleasing Patterns
As a trauma therapist for women in Houston, I know how impactful our adverse childhood experiences can be on the way we do life as adults. If you grew up in an environment in which you were not allowed to make decisions that were in your best interest, you might end up as an adult who cowers down to others. Or if you were raised to believe that thinking about needs was selfish, you could end up as a woman who caters to everyone without thinking about what you would need for yourself.
For some women, you might even accept the thoughts and negative ways of others just to avoid conflict. Perhaps you come from a high conflict family in which a dissenting opinion leads to an argument or some sort of scary backlash. Even though you are no longer in that situation, it has made such an impression on you that you are desperately trying to avoid being talked down to, looked down upon or being embroiled in conflict.
As a trauma therapist in Houston, I would love you to please note that conflict avoidance isn’t encoded into your DNA. Rather, it is simply a survival mechanism you took on in order to keep yourself safe. You’re essentially a survivalist. You got tired of being yelled at, getting in trouble and defending yourself, so you decided to take the path of least resistance which is to just accommodate others and avoid conflict.
When I engage in therapy for highly sensitive women, I help them understand that their upbringing and experiences have shaped them into who they are today. Being scared is probably not your nature. You do not run away by nature. These were brought on by your environment. This means that you can learn how to assertively, but kindly ask fo what you need. It starts by rewriting some of your childhood experiences and reframing them according to what actually happened. For example, if you view yourself as a scared person who cannot speak up, we can dig into the roots of how you came to be this way. We can focus on times in your childhood when you actually did speak up, but were punished or chastised for this. You learn that we can actually reset you to who you really are. This is a very simplistic example, but you get the point. We rewrite the story more objectively than how you remember it to be.
Practical Phrases to Assert Yourself Without Apologizing
Now that you know that standing up for yourself is an option, we can start crafting gentle but bold statements that will help you stand up for yourself. Let’s start with a few scenarios. As a Christian therapist in Houston, kindness is an important value that most of my clients want to uphold.
Scenario 1: Your family members always come to you to settle a dispute with someone else who is not in the room with you. They typically will call you without informing the other person, because they expect you to take their side.
What to say: “Thank you for informing me about your disagreement with [person x], in order to resolve this dispute, may I add her to our call right now so we may get a resolution?”
The person will either say “Yes” and then you play the middle man. But most likely, she will say “No.” If she tries this again, you give the same response. In no time, she’ll stop roping you into her disputes.
Scenario 2: This scenario is great for my entrepreneurs (Check out therapy for entrepreneurs in Houston). You notice that because you’re such an efficient worker, your coworkers have been dumping work on you. It’s gone on for months and you’ve been unable to stand up for yourself. But today, you decided to reset your mind and shake off the unwanted burden.
What to say: “Hi Sarah, I notice that you volunteered me for that new project. I wanted to inform you that I will be unable to take it on due to my workload. I however do trust that you will be a great candidate for the job. I believe in you.
This is subtle, to the point and does not leave room for an argument.
Before using the above statements, you might want to pump yourself up with a positive affirmation, deep breathing or grounding. Please know that you can still be kind and clear while being assertive. Assertiveness is not the opposite of kindness.
Assertiveness as a Spiritual Discipline
One of my favorite things about Jesus is that He Wass compassionate AND he had amazing boundaries. There were times when he was found napping in the boat- even though the wind was raging. He knew He needed His rest, so He didn't even let the storm bother him. That is a boundary.
There were also times when Jesus retreated from the crowds, or when He went somewhere with just 3 disciples, rather than taking all the 12. Do you think the other 9 disciples felt weird that they weren't invited? I have no clue, But what I do know is that He held tightly to His boundary anyway.
Spiritual maturity looks like telling the truth in love. Now, as a Christian therapist in Houston, I do not believe in cutting people down, gossiping or lying to them. But when the truth is seasoned with love, it goes down a lot better. Ephesians 4:15 says “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.“ Speaking up isn’t just about personal wmpoermwnt, it is also a sign of spiritual growth. That we don’t sweep things under the rug. We expose them so that we and others can actually learn.
Feeling worn down from always being the “strong one” who carries the weight alone? As a Christian therapist in Houston, I help highly sensitive women speak up with clarity and peace. Let’s explore therapy designed for your brilliant, tender spirit. Book a free consult for therapy for highly sensitive women in Houston today.
About
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: