6 simple ways to keep the spark in your marriage alive

Marriage can be difficult. Two different people trying to compromise and do life together is not an easy feat. But if you’ve been married for more than a few days, I don’t have to tell you that. So often people wonder - “How do I keep the spark going? How can I make my marriage not only last, but actually be fulfilling?” Well, today, I’m going to tell you about 6 simple, but really important things to keep doing (or start doing) so that your marriage can be happy.

And if you are not in a happy place in your marriage, but you do want to get to a happy place, perhaps you can consider marriage counseling.

Maintaining a great marriage is all about making space in your mind and in your day for your spouse. It’s about the little things. It’s about ensuring that both of you are able to prioritize each other- even though you’re both pulled in a million different directions.

So take some notes and let’s begin:

1) Unwind together after a long day

This is super important. After you’ve both had dinner, put the kids to bed, cleaned up the kitchen and gotten lunches ready for the next day, spend about 10 to 15 minutes together to talk about your days. Turn off the TV, put your phones away, and truly see each other.

Eye contact and full attention are imperative here. Ask each other how you’re doing and talk about how the day went. When each person is talking, the other should give his/her undivided attention. Although this seems like such a small act, it invites you into your partner’s world, and vice versa. If you’re a good listener, you’ll learn so much about your partner in these short moments. You’ll also learn more about what your partner is going through and how you two can support one another. It’s an important bonding activity as a couple.

2) Have weekly date nights/days

I know that date nights sound so cliche, but the idea behind it is to get away from the everyday routine and do something special for and with one another- without distractions. Date nights (or date days- because dates don’t have to only be held at night) don’t have to be expensive. They simply have to feel special. You want time alone with your partner to become a normal part of your lives.

Dates can be as simple as a packed picnic lunch, a stroll together at the mall, a movie date, or an actual trip to somewhere exotic. You don’t even have to leave your home to have a date. They can happen right there in your living room or sitting in your garage.

I highly suggest that date nights should be scheduled. If you don’t schedule them, chances are they won’t happen. At the beginning of every week, sit with your partner and map out what day you’d both like to spend time together, where you’d like to go and what you’ll do together. If you schedule this, you have a much higher chance of actually following through with it. Eventually, date nights or date days become part of your schedule and you’ll both look forward to it,

3) Cuddle often

Physical touch is an important bonding tool for couples. It helps you maintain closeness and connection with your partner. Being in each other’s arms also provides a feeling of safety and security. Now cuddling can easily happen while unwinding after a long day. Sit on the couch, or on another comfortable area and just be. Get used to sitting together and bonding this way. Such a simple act really does go a long way in ensuring that your connection remains strong.

4) Listen actively

Most of the time, when we listen to our spouses talk, we are impatiently waiting for them to finish talking so that we can respond. The problem with this in a marriage is that it could easily lead your partner to feel frustrated and unheard. Active listening is something I always have couples practice in couples therapy/marriage counseling. It sometimes takes a bit of practice to get the hang of it. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership in which each person feels seen and heard. If you struggle with listening, then try this exercise.

When next you and your spouse sit down to unwind for the day, rather than talk about what you think about what he or she is saying, or trying to correct or argue with him or her, only say validating words and statements that help you understand your spouse better.

Set a timer for 10 minutes and sit next to one another. Have one partner be the speaker, while the other is the listener. The listener’s goal is to try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and respond the way you would want someone to respond if you were pouring out your heart. Validate your spouse’s feelings and summarize what you think he or she is saying. Let your spouse correct you as needed. Once you’re done, you then get to be the speaker while your partner is the listener. What you’ll get is a true bonding experience.

5) Create hello and goodbye routines

If you have a busy life, chances are you have situations in which you’re rushing out of the door while your spouse is at home. Make goodbyes and hellos memorable. When you are leaving the house, make it a point to give your spouse a hug, a kiss, a high five, a smile, or some other friendly exchange to acknowledge the moment.

The same thing goes for hellos. When you walk into the door, also make sure you acknowledge your spouse with a hug, a kiss, a friendly “Hello” or “What’s up,” a kiss or some other type of gesture that communicates that you’re happy to see him or her.

6) Talk about your hopes and dreams often

Remember when you were still dating? You probably sat down together for hours talking about all your hopes and dreams. Maybe that was even what attracted you to your husband or wife. Don’t lose touch with one another. Find time to talk about your long and short term goals. Reminisce about how far you’ve come and how far you both can go together. Do not get so entrenched in the daily hustle and bustle that you forget where you’re both going together.

If you really want to regain the spark in your marriage, but you are unsure of where to begin, consider scheduling a marriage counseling session. In our couples therapy sessions, you’ll learn how to create a friendship with your spouse, how to communicate clearly and how to truly maintain a happy, fulfilling marriage.

Click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call so you can decide if couples counseling in Houston is right for you. I provide couples counseling in Houston, TX and throughout California and Texas.

What does a therapist actually do?

Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist, but you’re not sure if it’s the right move for you? Maybe your family has told you that you shouldn’t tell your business in public. Or your friends have said to you, “Seeing a therapist is a waste of money.”

Well today, I’m going to talk a little bit about what we do as therapists and how a therapy session is different than just talking to your friends and family. And here are a few things you should know about the relationship between a therapist and a client.

1. Your therapist is not your friend

   It’s first of all important to understand that your therapist is really different from your friends. Your friends might hold back because they feel obligated to just nod and smile. But your therapist understands that you are here in session to grow and change. We are able to tell you truths that your friends are too scared to talk about, but we do it in a way that doesn’t hurt you.

   Sometimes your friends and family members don’t have the insight that we have as therapists and because they are too emotionally invested in you, they aren’t able to see clearly enough to help you through your struggles. As therapists, we are typically able to put our feelings aside at the appropriate moments so that we can get you to your goal.

2. Your therapist can help you with your trauma

   There are many therapists who specialize in treating trauma. Because of our years of training, we are able to help you to talk about, think about and work through traumatic events in your life so that those memories no longer control you. We understand that sometimes, difficult events from your past change you in a deeply personal way.

   While your friends might not be able to understand trauma, or you might not even feel comfortable discussing such personal events with friends and family, your therapist allows you to discuss the darkest parts of your life and we show you how to work through that darkness so that it no longer consumes you. By the way, it’s actually possible to work through trauma without discussing every single detail of your trauma. With our training, we are careful not to blame you, re-traumatize you or make you feel invalidated. We know how sensitive trauma is, and we take great care not to cause you any more harm.

3. Your therapist can help you manage difficult family dynamics

   Not everyone is born into the perfect cookie cutter family. Maybe your family members argue all the time, yell at you and have caused deep pain. Even as an adult, sometimes it’s difficult to maneuver an unsupportive family. Your therapist can teach you how to find support and ways to be assertive- even when your family isn’t giving you what you need. We help you work through the pain that comes from a difficult family and we show you how to grow- even if your family members decide to never change their ways. This is great news. You don’t have to be stuck in life because of your family of origin.

4. Your therapist can help you sleep

   Did you know that your therapist can actually teach your strategies to help you get over insomnia? It’s the best kept secret. There is a treatment called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for insomnia (CBT I or CBTI). It’s a 5 to 7 session treatment that shows you how to change your sleep patterns so that you can actually fall asleep and stay asleep. Not every therapist or physician knows about this treatment. But a few therapists who are specially trained are able to help you get rid of insomnia, get off sleeping pills (with supervision from your prescribing physician) and finally stop dreading nighttime. I happen to be a CBTi therapist. Click here to find out more about this insomnia treatment.

5. Your therapist can help you find your voice again

   This is one of my favorite things to do. Sometimes you find yourself going through the motions and you’re unsure if this is the type of life you want to live. You get stuck in the role of people pleaser and you just want to be able to speak your mind. Maybe you’ve been hurt in the past by overzealous, angry people or you’re scared that you’ll hurt people’s feelings if you speak up.

   A great therapist can help you understand why you feel the need to people please, he or she can help you learn solid communication skills so that you know how to effectively tell people what you need, and a great therapist can also teach you how to handle negative feedback appropriately. Who knew that therapists could help you with communication?

6. Your therapist can help you understand yourself better

   One group of people I love to work with are highly sensitive introverts. What’s a Highly Sensitive Person? Click here to find out more about Highly Sensitive People. In summary, HSPs are able to notice little nuances in the environment that others don’t notice, they sometimes say they feel the emotions of others easily, they take some time to observe their environment before jumping in and they tend to need more time than most people to recharge after socializing with others. Being a HSP isn’t a disorder or an illness. It’s simply a trait like brown hair or blue eyes. A trained therapist can help you figure out how to enjoy your life- even as a HSP.

   Even if you’re not a HSP, your therapist can help you better understand why you do the things that you do, feel the things that you feel and why you are who you are. When you understand how you environment and temperament affect your decisions, it helps you maneuver life so much easier.

   Will you ever be willing to see a therapist? As you can see, we do so much more than just nodding and validating your feelings. Depending on the theoretical orientation of the therapist, we could help you understand yourself better, maneuver a difficult family or life situation, manage anxiety, depression and trauma, and we can really help you reach personal goals.

   If you are ready to manage your anxiety, insomnia or improve your relationship, click here to request a free 15-minute phone consultation with me- a therapist in the Murrieta/Temecula area. It’s time to finally overcome anxiety, get the sleep you deserve and improve your relationship.

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8 Myths about therapy or counseling

Perhaps you have thought of seeking a therapist, but you are not sure what the outcome will be. Maybe your friends have had a negative interaction with a therapist, which makes you wary. Below I address a few myths about therapy and I delve into the truth from my perspective.

Please note that all therapists are different, and each of us approaches our work in a different way.

Your therapist only talks about the past:

I’ve read this one in many social media forums. There is a general idea that it is the therapist’s job to blame your mother for everything that’s going wrong in your life or to only focus on the things that have happened in your past. Well many many years ago, there was a time when your mother would have been blamed for pretty much every shortcoming you have. But we therapists have advanced beyond that. We now know that even though your environment does shape you, your personality, other biological factors and life experiences all play a role in your life.

So don’t worry. I will most certainly NOT focus solely on your past when you come to see me. While I believe that your past is a window into your present, I don’t dwell entirely on the past.

Your therapist can’t help you with your goals and dreams:

Many people believe that a therapist is simply someone who diagnoses you, but then after that the focus is on ‘Fixing.’ The truth is that there are many theoretical orientations that therapists adhere to. I utilize Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy and Solution Focused Therapy. As a Solution Focused Therapist we talk about what you want your life to look like, and we then create practical steps to help you get there. It’s quite present focused and it’s very powerful in helping you figure out what barriers prevent you from reaching your dreams, as well as getting the motivation to actually make those dreams come true.

Your therapist is focused on pathology and mental illness:

A lot of people run away from therapists because they believe that they will be diagnosed with some scary illness. I totally get it. I wouldn’t want a scary illness following me around either. If this is a concern for you, have a conversation with your therapist before you begin services. Ask him or her if there will be a diagnosis, and I also encourage you to ask about what diagnosis will be given to you. Knowledge is power.

When I meet with clients, my focus is actually more on their strengths than their areas of growth. I believe it is my job to help you uncover strengths so that you can utilize those strengths to actually become the person you’ve dreamed of. We also talk about your support system and how they can help you improve your life.

Side note: If you plan to use your healthcare insurance, it’s important to know that insurance companies typically only reimburse services if your therapist has diagnosed you. So this is an important factor to weigh when you decide to go through your insurance. Depending on your future career, a mental health diagnosis does remain as part of your permanent record.

Your therapist has to tell your loved ones that you’re in therapy:

This is a big, fat no no. Now while there are some situations in which the therapist might have to involve your loved ones in your care (for example if you are a danger to yourself), whatever you say in the therapy room is typically not shared with your loved ones, employer or colleague. Now if you want your loved ones involved in your care or if you want to bring them into session to support you, you absolutely can work that out with your therapist. But when you work with a therapist, expect that your information will remain the therapy room.

A special note here. Therapists are mandated reporters, so in some cases we will have to make a report. Read more about that here.

Your therapist will shame you:

It is never your therapist’s job to shame you, berate you or make you feel bad about yourself. Her (or his) job is to be your support, to help you feel better, to discover patterns of behavior that you haven’t noticed about yourself, and to see improvement. We do a lot deeper work than if you were to read a self development book. If your therapist is shaming you, it’ll be really difficult for therapy to be successful.

All your therapist does is nod and smile:

While it might seem like all we do is nod and smile, we are paying serious attention to you. We are looking at your body language to see if you are comfortable, uncomfortable and how things are affecting you. We actively listen for patterns that might be important for us to change. In some forms of therapy like in EMDR or Brainspotting, the therapist might even bring in gadgets to help you change unhelpful patterns. In some instances we bring in worksheets, videos, or audio materials to help you. Outside of session we often plan out the session ahead of time, look for helpful materials and when you leave the room, we are ensuring that we are keeping good notes so that we can continue with an effective plan of action. Sometimes we even coordinate your care with your psychiatrist, physician or any other professional in your life whom you choose to be a part of your care.

You have to be on medication to be in therapy:

As a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, I am unable to prescribe or sell you medications. I am even unable to give you advice about what medications to take and when to take them. Medication is the job of nurses, physicians and pharmacists. In fact you do not have to be on medication or even want medication to be in therapy. Medication is your choice and you can decide to do what is best for you. If you are thinking about taking medications, I would highly suggest that you have a conversation with a physician so that you can make an informed decision.

Therapy is for “Crazy people” with serious problems:

I hear this one A LOT. The truth is I have never had a “Crazy” client and I am not even sure what that word means. To participate in therapy, you have to have a certain level of insight. It’s important that you aware of who you are, where you are, what day and time it is, what goals you are trying to accomplish, etc. To work with me, we have to be able to communicate with each other effectively and I only work with people who actually want to work with me. So I guess “Crazy people” by default, probably won’t be able to benefit from traditional therapy.

You also don’t have to have “Serious” life and death problems to benefit from therapy. Some people come to therapy after they relocate so they can work on the adjustment. Others come because they have struggles in their jobs, mild depression, mild anxiety, struggles in their relationship, difficulty making friends, or they just need someone to provide them with emotional support.

Sometimes mom life can get you feeling stressed or sleeping issues and insomnia can lead you to seek therapy (Another side note: Yes your therapist can help you resolve insomnia. I personally utilize a short-term 5 to 7 session insomnia treatment called CBT for insomnia or CBT i. Read more about that here). No problem is too small for therapy because we can all benefit from a little extra support. Sometimes, therapy is purely preventative. You come in when your symptoms are still very mild so that you prevent them from becoming severe.

If you’re ready to try therapy and get rid of anxiety or insomnia, I offer a free 15 minute consultation call. While my therapy office is in Murrieta, I also see women from all over California via a secure form of tele therapy. Click here to request your free consultation call.

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FAQs About Counseling, Therapy or Psychotherapy in Murrieta

Happy new year folks! I took a blogging break so that I could rest and begin to work on some more helpful mental health topics for you in 2020. I hope you had a great holiday break and you’re ready to take 2020 by storm.

Today I’m going to be answering some of the frequently asked questions about therapy or counseling that are often thrown at me. I know that finding a therapist or counselor in Murrieta/Temecula or even in the Inland Empire could be daunting, so my goal today is to make the process a bit easier for you. Many people who seek a therapist out in the Inland Empire are new to therapy. It’s normal to have some questions before you begin. And even if you don’t live in Murrieta, Temecula or the Inland Empire, chances are you have some of these questions when you’re seeking out a therapist.

Okay, let’s dive in. Below are some of the questions I get asked quite a bit. If you have questions about therapy that you’d like a licensed therapist to answer, go ahead and write them down in the comments section:

1) Is therapy confidential?

I get this question all the time. In short, the answer is “Yes and no.” I know it’s confusing, but let me explain. In the state of California, therapists are mandated reporters. It means that there are certain situations we have to report under the law- for the protection of certain people.

Some of these situations are:

• Child abuse- That includes physical, emotional, sexual abuse, or neglect of a child who is less than 18 years of age. When you are in the therapy room, if you disclose that a child is being abused, the therapist has the mandate to make a report to Child Protective Services (CPS). Now as a therapist, I do not investigate whether or not the allegation of abuse is true. My job is to simply pass the report on to CPS and let them do their job. Click here to read more about CPS child abuse reporting in California.

• Dependent adult abuse- This is the abuse of someone who is an adult ages 8 to 64, but due to his or her physical or emotional state, he or she cannot perform certain independent tasks without assistance. Types of abuse that must be reported include sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, neglect and even financial abuse. So if you’re in a session with me and you report for example. that your 19 year old neighbor, who is a dependent adult, is underfed, malnourished and always being yelled at, I will be mandated to report to Adult Protective Services (APS). Here is the link to Riverside County APS.

• Elder adult abuse- This is the abuse of an adult who is 65 years or older. It includes abandonment or neglect, financial abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse or even healthcare abuse. So abuse doesn’t only mean harming the person physically or emotionally, misuse of the elder’s funds and healthcare fraud could also be reportable. In this case if I suspect any of the above types of abuse is going on, I’ll also make a report to APS so that the individual is kept safe.

• Danger to self or others: My job as a therapist is to ensure that you are safe. If at any time, it becomes obvious that you are going to be a danger to yourself, to another person or to the property of another person, it is my prerogative to report to the necessary authorities so that everyone concerned can be safe. In this case, I can choose not to report, but if I deem that this is the best action, then I could go ahead and bring in a third party to keep you safe.

• Patriot Act of 2001: This law was enacted as a response to the horrific attacks on September 11, 2001. This indicates that if a client of mine is a suspected terrorist, the FBI or their law enforcement agencies can request information from me, and I would have to comply with their requests. Read more about the Patriot Act here.

But if you are not a danger to yourself or others, if you are not a suspected terrorist and if there is no suspected elder, dependent or child abuse, then the information you divulge in therapy remains confidential.

2) Will my health insurance pay for my therapy visits?

The answer to this one is “It depends.” Some insurance companies have mental health coverage and they will allow you to see a therapist who has signed a contract with them. These therapists are “In network” with your insurance company. It’s important to ask your insurance company what your benefits are, so you can decide what you want to do.

Some insurance companies will specify the number and types of sessions that you can have. For example, some insurance companies do not cover couples therapy. Others will cover tele therapy (therapy over the phone or computer), while some won’t.

In some situations, you might find a therapist whom you really like, but they might not have a contract with your insurance company. If you have a PPO plan, you might be able to still work with an out of network therapist and also get a percentage of the therapy cost reimbursed by your health insurance company.

What I do in this case is that the client pays me out of pocket for each session, and then I provide them a superbill (it’s sort of a receipt for services), which the client forwards to the insurance company for coverage.

It’s important to ask your insurance company if you have to be diagnosed with a mental health disorder in order for services to be covered.

Insurance companies often determine the length of sessions, types of sessions covered, how much you will be reimbursed, and sometimes which therapist you see.

3) Will my spouse, parents, kids, family and loved ones know that I’m in therapy?

It really depends on what you want and the circumstances under which you came to therapy. If you are mandated to come to couples or family therapy by a judge, then of course your family will know that you’re in therapy. But if you are coming of your own will as an adult, you don’t necessarily have to tell anyone that you’re seeing a therapist.

Some people have their family members (like their parents, spouse, etc). In that case, by default, the payer will know that you’re in therapy. However they don’t necessarily get access to your records or get to chat with the therapist about your personal business. It really depends on what you want. Remember- your mental health is your personal business. You can tell whomever you want about what happens in your therapy, but I cannot tell anyone (except I’m doing a mandated report as stated above). In other words, your secrets are safe with me.

And in the case that your spouse, child, in laws, friends or coworkers call me asking for information about you, the standard response I give is “I cannot confirm or deny that I know her.” My lips are sealed unless you give me written permission to speak to a loved one or colleague.

4) Can I be honest with my therapist?

Well do you want to make progress in your life? When you work with me, I typically start where you’re comfortable. We go where you want to go, and talk about the areas that you feel comfortable addressing. I will in no way force you to talk about trauma or childhood memories- except you’re comfortable with it.

As we build more rapport, you will naturally begin to tell me about deeper issues that are bothering you. For therapy to work well, it is important to be honest with your therapist so that we can work together as a team. In my therapy office in Murrieta, there is no room for judgement or blame. I help you uncover your strengths, combat thoughts that don’t work well for you and identify new, positive coping skills. That’s a brief summary of my role as a therapist.

5) What will my first therapy session look like?

Therapy looks different depending on who you choose as your therapist- because we all have different approaches to the work that we do. When you work with me, your first contact with me will either be through a phone call or an email. If it’s through email, I'll ask you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me so that I can find out more about what your struggles are and you can also decide if I’m the best fit for you. I believe very strongly that you have to pick the therapist that is the right fit for you, not the one who is the cheapest or whose office is the closest to your home.

After the consultation call, if you decide to begin services with me, we’ll schedule an appointment and you get to see me either in my therapy office in Murrieta or online. As licensed marriage and family therapist in California, I can see anyone in California through teletherapy- which is kind of like a Skype video call- only through a more secure platform.

During your first therapy session, I’ll collect your payment, ask you questions about your background and what brought you into therapy. And we will work together to create a plan of action so that you can find relief as fast as possible. I’m more of a short term therapy kind of therapist. I like us to find the fastest route to healing because I don’t want you to be in therapy forever!

We typically will meet every week as I see the most progress in clients who see me weekly. When things are improving, naturally we’ll taper down to every other week, then probably once a month.

You’ll sit on my comfy couch, we’ll talk and you’ll get homework sometimes (yes, I’m a fan of homework) to ensure that you’re able to implement what you learned. I believe therapy should be helpful- not just weekly jibber jabber.

And that’s pretty much it. If you have any other questions about finding a therapist in Murrieta/Temecula, feel free to comment below or email me.

Thinking about starting therapy? I love working with women who struggle with anxiety, people pleasing behaviors and self esteem issues. I also love helping insomniacs sleep through my CBT for insomnia work. If you’re ready to get rid of anxiety or insomnia, click here to request a free 15-min consultation call.

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How to use your love language to strengthen your family relationships.

Relationships can be tricky. And when I say relationships, I don’t just mean romantic relationships. I’m talking about parent-child, friend-friend, brother-sister, aunty-niece, and every other type of relationship you can think of. It’s important that you know how your loved ones actually want to be loved. Anything short of that will feel to them like something is missing in your relationship.

What’s a love language?

And that’s where love languages come in. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, each person has a specific way in which he or she prefers to give and/or receive love. This is called a love language. Gary Chapman states that there are 5 love languages, and that each love language can be used in the workplace, with our kids, partners and pretty much in every important relationship. To have a solid relationship, it is important that you know your partner or loved one’s love language so that you can show him or her love in a way that he or she can receive it. If you are loving them in a way that they cannot receive it, they will feel unappreciated, unseen or unheard. Typically, we show people love in the way that we like to receive it, but it’s important that we not only learn our own love language, but we learn how to speak our loved one’s love language.

To get these love languages right, it’s first important that you know what the 5 love languages are.

What are the 5 love languages?

1) Physical Touch: This one is quite easy to notice. If your loved one loves hugs, kisses, snuggles, cuddles and any other type of physical touch, then this is probably his or her primary love language.

What this looks like for children: You’ll notice this easily in little children. They’re the ones who love high fives, who hug you when you return from work in the evening, they’ll want to sit on your lap, hold your hand, snuggle in bed with you and have some sort of bodily contact with you. It makes them feel safe, protected and loved. If your child loves physical touch, make an effort to provides lots of hugs, kisses and high fives.

What this looks like in adults: Many women often roll their eyes when we talk about physical touch because they automatically assume that physical touch and sex are synonymous. The truth is, children who love physical touch grow up to be adults who love physical touch- that is unless their environment doesn’t endorse safe physical touch. So if your partner’s love language is physical touch, make an effort to hold his/her hand, give a kiss, a back rub, sit next to him/her on the couch, and use bodily warmth to be reassuring. If physical touch isn’t your thing, then it’ll definitely take an effort on your part, but it’ll help build your bond.

2) Acts of service: People who love acts of service are those who always seem to be volunteering for one mission or the other, they spend their time serving others in some way and they are always tryin to do nice things for others.

What this looks like for children: Kids who love acts of service are the ones who constantly ask you if they can help you, they volunteer to be the teacher’s helper at school, they are there to help their friends, and they take joy in using their time to be helpful to others. To keep the love alive, let them be your helper- no matter how young they are. They can help you with folding laundry, they can pass you the salt at the dining table, they can help younger ones with homework, and they most certainly can be the teacher’s helper at school.

What this looks like in adults: Adults who love acts of service are also always doing things for others. It might look like them offering to wash your car, offering to pick up something for you at the grocery store, fixing things around the house, and always being a helpful resource to others. To fill their love tanks, offer to also be helpful for them. Ask if you can work with them on a project, or be helpful in some way. If you’re handy, offer to fix something up for them. They’ll be sure to appreciate that.

3) Words of affirmation: If this is your love language, then it means that you are always talking to people about how much you love and appreciate them. You are the cheerleader of the family. You write kind notes, you tell people how much you appreciate them and you’re very verbal with your love.

What this looks like for children: These are the natural encouragers. They tell others “Good job!” or “You’ve got this!” They’re also the kids who tell you “I love you” over and over again.They are not shy to show you how much you mean to them. So then, you can strengthen your relationship by reciprocating this. When they do well, you should verbally tell them that you are proud of them. Also be vocal about your love for them. They need to hear it first in order to feel it.

What this looks like in adults: They are also encouragers. They’ll tell you how much they appreciate you, they’ll send you texts and emails about how glad they are about something you did. They’ll remind you of their love for you. All you have to do is simply listen to them, and you’ll surely hear the ways that they affirm you verbally. To show your love for them, do the same. Send texts about how much you appreciate and love them, and if you’re comfortable, tell them to their face as well. If this isn’t your love language, it might feel awkward to do this at first, but it really does help to strengthen your relationship.

4) Gifts: Some people feel loved when they are given tangible gifts. These gifts don’t have to cost a lot of money. They simply like a physical token to remind them of your love for them.

What this looks like for children: These are the children who are always making something for you. They draw pictures, they make Lego statues, they make you a bracelet, or they simply sculpt something out of modeling clay. Please don’t throw these gifts away in front of your kids. Express your appreciation for them and display them on the fridge or somewhere public for a while, to show that you want to receive their love.

What this looks like in adults: These are the people who will buy or make you gifts. They might make a photo book, a scrap book or even buy you something expensive. This is simply their way of showing you that they love you. If you’re not someone who treasures gifts, it’ll be important to have a conversation about that with your partner about how to maneuver this situation- especially if they are in the habit of spending a lot of money on gifts.

5) Quality Time: This one is the most tasking love languages for some people as time is the only resource we feel like we need more of but we can’t get more of.

What this looks like for children: These are kids who want to sit by you, look you in the eyes when they are speaking and they want your undivided attention. As they get older, they’ll try to get your attention by following you around the house or just asking you to be with them. A quick tip for busy parents of kids who want quality time. Begin to include them in your day to day activities. They can sit with you as you fold laundry, you can have a conversation with them in the kitchen as you cook, you can take them with you to the grocery store. They don’t care where you are, they just want to see your face. If you’re away from home for an extended period of time, you can do a quick FaceTime call with them. Perhaps carve out a few minutes at the end of the day to just be with them and look them in the eyes the way that they want. Quality time doesn’t have to take a long time. It just has to feel like your attention is on them.

What this looks like in adults: These are people who want you to spend time with them. Put down your electronics and schedule a date with them. It doesn’t even have to be romantic or expensive. Go on a short walk together, watch TV together, listen to music together, cook together, run errands together. They’re happy if they are able to get your attention.

So, do you know what your love language is? Note that it’s possible to have multiple love languages or a primary and secondary love language. And if you’re struggling to connect with your partner or your kids, I offer family counseling in Murrieta to help families get back on the same page and begin to get along again. Call me on 951-905-3181 or email me here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. I also offer individual counseling or therapy online throughout California.

Risks and benefits of therapy

Therapy or counseling has become quite widespread in the US. In the Murrieta/Temecula area alone, there are probably almost about 100 therapists- if not more. There are therapists that specialize in anxiety, therapists for depression, for grief and loss, postpartum depression, family counseling, you name it. While some people have embraced therapy whole heartedly, others are still wary of it. After all, I can see why the idea of talking to a third party behind closed doors can appear scary to some. So let’s pull the curtain back. Let’s dive into the risks and benefits of therapy, so you remain informed when you make a decision to embark on your journey of healing.

Benefits of Therapy

1) An opportunity for growth: Most people see a therapist because they are ready for a change. Typically, there is something going on in their lives that they want to work on or improve. Usually your friends and your family members do not have the training to help you see patterns that aren’t working for you. Sometimes they might notice these patterns, but they either are too emotionally involved to help you, or they just don’t know how to communicate with you in a way that you can receive it. This is where your therapist comes in. We help you put the pieces together so that you can change those parts of you that are no longer working for you and move forward. We essentially help you get unstuck, but without judgement and shame.

2) A safe sounding board: Sometimes we just aren’t ready to hear what our family members have to say about us. And sometimes your family members and friends aren’t able to listen to you when you need them to. Sometimes your loved ones are really harsh with their feedback. In the therapy room, there is emotional safety. It’s time for you to get someone’s undivided attention and bounce your situation off of them. If you’ve never sat in a room that’s a safe space for all your deepest thoughts and ideas, try it. There is so much healing that could happen in the process. Without safety no one can open up, and without opening up you can’t do the work of growth.

3) A deep understanding of yourself and your environment: Therapy is the place where you can find out why you are the way you are or why your family is the way that they are. You learn to stop shaming yourself. You’ll probably learn how to put away guilt and you’ll begin to learn how to work through patterns of behavior that you’re trying to break. Once you know why you do the things that you do, it becomes a lot easier to stop making the same mistakes over and over. You begin to let go of things that don’t work for you and move forward.

You can also have a deeper understanding of your family, your loved ones and your environment. Through family therapy, you can bring your loved ones in and learn about what triggers you, better ways to communicate. You can also talk about hurts and pain in a safe environment so that you can grow and move forward. Couples therapy allows you to open up to your partner about emotions and thoughts that you probably did not know how to communicate. But a trained therapist facilitates important discussions.

4) Decrease in negative thoughts: I love to work from a cognitive behavioral therapy perspective. What this simply means is that I believe that your thoguths, your feelings and your behaviors are all connected. If you are aware of the way you think about the world, you can then begin to change any thoughts that have held you back for years. Each week, we’ll work on analyzing those thoughts, figuring out whether or not they are true, and coming up with alternative, more realistic thoughts. Once you switch the way you think about situations, your feelings also begin to shift. If your thoughts are mostly negative, you will also feel negative about your circumstances. You’ll learn to approach the world in a whole new way. You learn how to take control of the things that you can and let go of those that you cannot change. Talk about taking off burdens!

5) Stronger relationships: Sometimes you and your loved ones just can’t see eye to eye. The love might be strong, but the communication might be weak. In the therapy room, you learn communication skills that help you get your point across clearly and respectfully. You learn what the barriers are to successful communication and how to overcome them. Now, therapy is not a magic pill. It takes hard work and commitment, but if you and your loved ones are committed to making it work, it truly can heal your relationships- whether it is marriage counseling, family therapy or just individual counseling for anxiety, depression, trauma or whatever struggle you’re experiencing. You begin to have a deeper understanding of the way your environment works and how to make it better.

6) Increased self confidence: When you have the same struggle over and over again, it affects the way you feel about yourself. Often times, we blame ourselves for the struggles we are having, which takes a huge toll on our self confidence. But once you start to unlock the negative thinking and your emotions get lighter, increased self confidence follows.

Now that we’ve talked about the benefits of therapy, let’s dive into the risks.

Risks of Therapy

1) You may feel worse before you feel better: Therapy takes work. I always tell my clients that we have to dig through mud if we want to get fruit from a tree. This simply means you have to roll up your sleeves, look inwards and unpack difficult emotions. Sometimes there will be tears involved, sometimes you’ll be angry, and sometimes difficult memories will also come up. Some days you’ll leave the therapy room feeling worn down, tired and stressed out, but this is typically the process to growth. Have you ever seen a child learning to walk? She falls down hundreds of times. And each time, she looks frustrated, but if she hangs in there, she’ll eventually master the skill and even learn to run. You can’t skip the difficult parts.

2) Your relationship might worsen or even end: With couples therapy, sometimes couples come in when they are on the brink of divorce. One partner has her foot out the door, while the other one is begging her to remain in the relationship. In this situation, sometimes the partner who wants the divorce may never be willing to reconcile because he has made up his mind about wanting the relationship to end. Most people think that couples therapy always saves a marriage, but in some cases, both partners might come to the realization that they don’t want to stay together. It’s not the therapist’s job to force one party to reconcile with the other, rather we simply facilitate a peaceful process so that both parties can move forward. Sometimes couples therapy becomes a path to navigate a healthy breakup.

3) Discomfort: Being in therapy brings up a whole lot of difficult emotions. There might be traumatic memories that come up to the surface, there might be the realization that your family members aren’t the supportive bunch you thought they were, sometimes your partner might bring up a secret that he or she has been keeping from you, or sometimes your child confronts you about mistakes you made in your past. There might be some cringing, tears, sadness, feelings of guilt and shame. But it is the therapist’s job to hold space for you so that you can work on processing these difficult emotions and memories.

4) Growth could be slow: Therapy is not always a quick process. Depending on what issues and circumstances you want to work on, it could take weeks, months or sometimes, even years to get a resolution. My advice is to start therapy when you are ready. And when you are ready, be open, honest and committed to the process. If you come in to see your therapist only once in a while and you’re not open with her, chances are your growth will be stalled. It’s normal to sometimes try to self sabotage. That’s something you can discuss with your therapist and work through. But if you are committed to the process, the growth will come.

And there you have it. Those are some of the risks and benefits of therapy. If you are in the Murrieta/Temecula area, struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, depression, or insomnia, I provide therapy or counseling in Murrieta and online. Call me on 951-905-3181 or email me to schedule your free 15 minute consultation so that you can finally get the sleep you deserve or find your voice. I also provide online therapy to individuals throughout California.