Faith, Sensitivity, and Trauma Healing: What a Christian Therapist in Houston Wants You to Know About Brainspotting

Why Highly Sensitive Women Carry Emotional Trauma Differently

No one likes trauma. No one wants it, but the unfortunate fact of life is that sometimes experiences leave us scarred, bruised and very shaken. Highly Sensitive People have deep empathy, feel things so strongly and notice so much. When they are in a situation or with someone, they tend to have strong emotional memory. So they might not remember exactly what was said or done to them, but they can actually recollect the deep feeling of pain. For others, they might remember what happened, but Highly Sensitive People will be able to go back to the emotions and feel it in their bodies- stomach feels yucky, chest tightens, head starts to hurt, etc.

And because of this strong emotional memory, trauma can feel louder and much more difficult to shake in Highly Sensitive People than non Highly Sensitive People. That deep well isn’t just great for connecting with others, but that deep well also reminds us of bad memories and experiences. Sometimes you feel so misunderstood just because you’re a Highly Sensitive Person. You don’t seem to enjoy the things that others do, they think you are “Too sensitive” or “Dramatic.” And so you spend time pretending to be someone that you’re not. This can actually lead to emotional burnout. Because so much of your energy is spent transforming into someone else- leaving no room for the authentic you.

This is where I come in. As a Christian therapist in Houston, I can provide faith-rooted understanding and comfort. My job is to help you process and get rid of trauma without belittling you. God made you highly sensitive for a reason and it’s not part of my job to change you. Rather we can collaborate on how to stay authentic in your faith, authentic in your personality and feel like you have a place in the world. Yes, it’s possible.

Understanding the Link Between Faith, Sensitivity, and Trauma: A Christian Therapist in Houston Explains

As a Christian Therapist in Houston, I’ve seen how sensitivity — though a beautiful gift — can make trauma feel heavier. But with faith and the right tools, healing is absolutely possible. Sometimes as a Highly Sensitive Person, you are so used to people invalidating your feelings, or telling you that you need to “Get over it” that you just mask your pain. You internalize it, pretend like you’re okay but deep inside you are actually struggling and drowning. Because you are a strong person, you might throw yourself into work or help other people to distract yourself from your own pain.

The thing is that trauma can affect both your heart and your spirit. Over time you find that you become resentful. Because most Highly Sensitive People that I know are actually really good at holding the pain of others, supporting others, and helping others feel so much better about themselves. But when it comes to they being supported, they have nobody to support them. Most people just assume that because they are so supportive, they don't need to be supported. And also because of your deep empathy, as a Highly Sensitive Person, you sometimes also invalidate yourself. You are so used to others telling you that you are being dramatic, that you actually gaslight yourself into believing that you're being dramatic. So you learn how to put a smile on your face well silently suffering. But you don't have to go on like this any longer.

As a Christian therapist in Houston, I integrate sensitivity awareness as well as biblical principles. And because I believe that therapy should work, I also incorporate Brainspotting therapy, which is a neuroscience-based approach that helps you actually rewire your brain so that you can have a longer lasting healing from trauma, anxiety and other difficult experiences. You don't have to struggle alone. You don't have to ignore your spiritual needs or your emotional needs. I am fully aware that you are neurodivergent and this has to be celebrated. Sometimes people run away from therapy because they have been burned by a therapist in the past who did not understand what High Sensitivity is. But I happen to understand AND live High Sensitivity. I understand trauma and I also understand the Christian faith. Therefore all parts of you are welcome in my therapy space.

What Is Brainspotting? — and Why It Works So Well for Highly Sensitive People

Brainspotting is essentially a simple way to help your brain heal trauma without having to relive it over and over again. So we know that when you go through different traumatic experiences, or just different difficult experiences, there are parts of your brain that actually store the memories as well as the emotions that are linked to the event. Because many of my clients are high performing Highly Sensitive People, they have gotten really good at pushing those memories and events to the back of their minds so that it does not get in the way of their day-to-day life. I get it. It is simply a coping mechanism. And so through the process of brainspotting, my job is to help you locate those areas in the brain where the pain is stored, to be able to process those events and memories so that your body can actually release the emotional pain that has been stored in your body for a while.

We often think running away from trauma is effective. Well, it is- until it’s not. Some people avoid certain places and things because of trauma they have experienced. Sometimes people find themselves feeling frozen at work or they struggle with distorted thought patterns like “Nobody likes me,” “I have to please everyone so that I don't get fired,” or even thoughts like '‘I am no good.” My job is to help you heal those thoughts and feelings so that they stop taking over your life.

Brainspotting is especially powerful for Highly Sensitive People who have felt overwhelmed by traditional talk therapy. As a highly sensitive person who already feels deeply, you have already felt like you have been reliving the event over and over again. So when you process trauma through traditional talk therapy, it sometimes feels like you're actually being retraumatized. But when you utilize brainspotting, you don't have to give me a play by play of what happened to you. We go directly into the center where the events are stored in your brain, so you can process them without giving me an overview. This method is gentle, precise and spiritually compatible.

Now I often tell my clients that my job is not to be your pastor. So I do not indoctrinate you, but I will pull scriptures that are in line with your experiences so that you can study and let the Holy Spirit minister onto you.

How Faith Deepens the Healing Process

Faith isn’t just a comfort during therapy — it’s a source of strength that helps you process, release, and renew your heart from the inside out. The word of God says “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he'‘ (Proverbs 23:7). Therefore we know that the words and events we meditate on have a direct correlation with who we are. This is why I introduce specific scriptures that are in line with what you are currently experience, so you may meditate on them, and in turn, they transform your life.

Your faith is at the core of who you are, so when you’re doing true transformative work, we cannot exclude faith. Faith complements trauma therapy as I offer deeper insight, there is room for prayer, surrender and spiritual reflection. You can invite God into your healing process. As a Christian therapist in Houston, I believe that faith and therapy are two parts of the same restorative process.

Healing Trauma in Relationships: How Brainspotting and the Gottman Method Help Christian Couples Reconnect

When one or both partners carry unhealed trauma, it shows up in the relationship — but through faith-based Brainspotting and the Gottman Method, couples can reconnect with grace and understanding. Brainspotting helps release the emotional reactivity that sometimes shows up as snapping at each other, crying, yelling or even shutting down. Once one or both partners have worked on their trauma, they will be in a better position to work through their relational issues. Trauma can be such a strain on a marriage. Imagine carrying a heavy emotional load on top of trying to work a job, raise kids and be present for your spouse. It’s just too much. But once you’ve dumped the trauma load, you can show up as the more peaceful, open hearted you.

As a Christian marriage therapist in Houston, I can also incorporate your biblical values into our sessions. We dive into the biblical role of a husband and wife, the role of parents, as well as how your upbringing and past experiences have led you to where you are in your marriage. We can use faith as a bridge to bring you back to a place of peace and connection.

Taking the Next Step: Begin Faith-Based Brainspotting Therapy in Houston

Healing doesn’t mean going back through every painful memory — it means letting your mind and spirit find peace again. As a Christian Therapist in Houston, I use Brainspotting to help clients release what’s been holding them back. In the first session, I will do a deep dive into your life. We will go over your family, educational, health, spiritual and emotional background- all of the elements that make you who you are, so that we can collaboratively come up with specific goals that we should focus on when we are brainspotting. This way treatment is targeted to your specific needs. No one size fits all here.

You don’t have to carry it all on your own. If you’re a highly sensitive woman longing for emotional peace and spiritual healing, I’d love to walk alongside you. As a Christian therapist in Houston who uses brainspotting, I help women release trauma and reconnect with joy — without losing their faith or sensitivity along the way. Book your free consultation for Christian trauma therapy in Houston today and let’s begin your healing journey in a safe, faith-honoring space.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

5 Misconceptions About Christian Therapy (and the Truth)

“Therapy Means You Don’t Have Enough Faith” — What a Christian Therapist in Houston Wants You to Know

As a Christian Therapist in Houston, I often hear women say they feel guilty about needing therapy — but seeking help doesn’t mean your faith is weak; it means you’re trusting God to restore you through every resource He provides. And sometimes, a therapist is the resource you need. You wouldn’t feel guilt about needing a doctor to help you with a physical challenge, so why feel guilty about being a woman who needs some counseling to help work you through life’s difficulties? It’s okay to be human. Sometimes, humans have struggles and we need help from professionals. It’s important to know that God sometimes works through His people. And some of His people happen to be mental health professionals.

“Christian Therapy Is Only About Prayer” — Why Faith and Psychology Work Beautifully Together

Faith is at the center of Christian therapy, but it’s not the only tool we use. In my Houston practice, I often combine prayer with approaches like Brainspotting and the Gottman Method to help clients heal emotionally and spiritually. And I’m not saying that prayer isn’t a powerful tool- it is the most powerful tool. Therapy isn’t just about having some listen to you as she nods and smiles. Therapy is about giving you practical skills to move forward from your troubles. Like how to process trauma and anxiety through brainspotting, so that thoughts about the difficult things that have happened to you in the past stop creeping up on you. Imagine being able to do things that used to be fun for you, or hang out with loved ones without a care in the world. Prayer and neuroscience can work hand in hand to help provide lasting change. Give Christian counseling in Houston a try.

“Therapists Won’t Understand My Faith” — The Truth About Working with a Christian Counselor

One of the biggest fears Christians have about therapy is feeling misunderstood — but as a Christian Therapist in Houston, I make faith an essential part of every conversation, not something you have to set aside. Because I really believe that your Christian faith is the bedrock of who you are. We cannot separate you from your identity in Christ. At least we shouldn't have to. Working with a Christian counselor means that you will be understood on a spiritual level and not judged for your beliefs. Therapy becomes a safe space where you can both express yourself emotionally, gain new coping tools to anchor you through life, and all the while providing room for spiritual reflection.

“Christian Therapy Is Just for Women” — How Couples Benefit from Faith-Based Counseling

While many women find healing through Christian therapy, couples can experience transformation too. Through Christian marriage counseling in Houston, I help partners rebuild emotional safety and strengthen their faith together. In counseling, you will learn how to support one another during times of stress. I do this specifically by using the Gottman Method, which I pair with biblical principles. Therapy can help you rebuilt trust, deepen your connection and strengthen your shared faith. You get to learn what healthy communication looks like, how to air your opinions and feelings in a kind, but assertive way, as well as what to do when the inevitable conflict shows up. You’ll also learn how to strengthen friendship, intimacy and connection.

“Therapy Takes Forever” — Why Christian Counseling in Houston Can Bring Real Change Sooner Than You Think

Many people assume Christian counseling in Houston will take years before they feel better — but with brainspotting and a faith-based approach, I’ve seen Houston clients experience real peace in far less time. Therapy does not have to drag on forever- at least that’s not my approach. We create specific and flexible goals, and once those goals have been met, you get to graduate from therapy. This is also why I love brainspotting so much. It cuts down on your time in therapy because we bypass the cit chat and guessing. You get to work on deeper layers of your brain- resulting in faster outcomes. And once we top this off with an invitation to God to take control of each session, you have success.

If you’ve been unsure about trying therapy because of what you’ve heard, now’s the time to see the truth for yourself. As a Christian Therapist in Houston, I help women and couples find healing that honors both their faith and their emotional health.
You don’t have to keep wondering what peace feels like — schedule your free consultation for counseling in Houston today and start your journey toward the calm and clarity God designed you to have.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Apologizing and Forgiving Biblically in Marriage | Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Why Apology and Forgiveness Are Essential in Marriage

When you are married, your partner will hurt you from time to time. And of course, because you’re not perfect, you will hurt him too. But forgiveness has to become a staple in your marriage, if not, resentment and bitterness will enter. And once you become resentful, things will take a turn for the worst. Unresolved offenses cause deep damage in a marriage. But the antidote for that is clear communication and working towards strong intimacy.

If you want to have a biblical marriage, it is important to have a forgiving heart. One caveat though. I’m not talking about abuse or when your life is in danger. I am simply referring to forgiveness of small hurts and differences of opinion. My assumption in this blog is that both you and your husband are reasonable people who actually want to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. Colossians 3:13 says “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” It can be so easy to hold a grudge against your spouse, because our hearts can be hurt easier by the people we love the most.

And when you hurt your spouse- even if you hate to admit your wrongdoing- it is important to admit your wrongdoing and apologize. An apology helps to mend your spouse’s broken heart, softens your own heart and creates a deeper level of intimacy and togetherness in your marriage.

In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn that apologies and forgiveness are not optional—they are spiritual and relational necessities. If you want a strong, healthy marriage, then forgiveness and apologizing has to be part your tools.

Understanding True Apology

When you inevitably wrong your spouse, it’s important to learn how to give him a proper apology. The goal of an apology is for you to show humility, to understand what hurt your spouse and to begin to heal his heart with your words.

The first step in an apology is to admit that you wronged him. It doesn’t matter whether or not you meant to offend him. Once someone says that you hurt them, it’s important to acknowledge your wrong. Also acknowledge that your spouse’s feelings are indeed valid- even if you don’t understand them.

Take some time to listen to what your spouse has to say. Listening helps you to truly understand your husband’s heart and perspective. Ask questions like “What was it about what I said that hurt you?” “What could I have done to make it better?” “How can we prevent this from escalating in the future?” “How can I make it up to you?” “What do you need in this moment?”

Accept responsibility for what you said and/or did. This one takes a big step of humility. Take shame out of the equation. Accept where you went wrong. No buts, no justification, no explanations. Just accept it and move on.

Next step is to express some sort of remorse for your mistake or misstep. You must have some sort of remorse for causing hurt and harm. And to show remorse, a simple “I’m sorry” or “I should not have said that” could suffice.

Ask your spouse what you need to do to make it better. Take notes if you need to, so you’re not committing the same offense over and over again. And the last thing is to commit to change. Make a mental note to do better.

As a Black Christian therapist in Houston, I help couples practice authentic apologies that foster trust instead of defensiveness. James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Once you come to your spouse with an open, humble, contrite heart, you now create room for a stronger, safer relationship.

Biblical Principles for Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a choice. It takes a lot of strength and willpower. It involves putting your hurts and pain away and deciding that you want to actually reunite with your spouse. Forgiveness is also a command in the Bible. Matthew 6:14–15 say “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”

Ouch!

So that means God will shut His eyes and His ears to you if you don’t forgive your spouse. I’ll leave that one there.

Christian marriage counseling in Houston is a great avenue to learn how to forgive without condoning hurtful behavior.

Practical Steps for Apologizing and Forgiving Together

The first step to apologizing and forgiving is to probably pray together. Take a moment to pause and pray before difficult conversations. This is a great way to invite The Holy Spirit who gives us wisdom to know the right things to say. He also facilitates healing, forgiveness and a tender heart.

Use “I feel” statements to express hurt without blame. When you are expressing your point of view, it is important to be soft and gentle with it. Your upset is not an excuse to be mean to your spouse. It is important to talk from your own point of view. Don’t speak for your spouse or make assumptions about him. Refrain from ascribing certain emotions to your spouse. For example, “You did it on purpose.” Because you’re not in his mind, you can’t assume to know his intentions. Rather, focus on your feelings and perspective. For example “I feel sad by the common you made. What I need is an apology.” Notice we aren’t speaking for your spouse in any way.

Accept apologies with grace, seeking reconciliation rather than revenge. When you have assertively spoken about how you feel and what you need, it is now time to accept your husband’s apology so that reconciliation can happen. It’s okay to let him know how he can make it up to you. For some people, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they need. For others, they need to see behavioral change. Think about what you need.

A Black marriage counselor in Houston guides couples in turning these steps into a lasting relational practice.

The Long-Term Benefits of Biblical Apology and Forgiveness

So why is forgiveness actually important in a relationship?

Because forgiveness helps to restore trust in your relationship. Every time you hurt your spouse, you create a tear in the relationship. But forgiveness and apology helps to repair the tear. Forgiveness is also a great way to practice strong and healthy communication in your marriage. Through apologizing and forgiving, you learn about your husband’s triggers, how his heart is healed and ways that you can make amends to him when you mess up.

Another reason why apology and forgiveness is good is to improve emotional safety in your marriage. When your spouse knows that he can speak to you about anything, and he can come to you even when you've hurt him, it increases emotional safety in the relationship. In a safe marriage, both parties should be able to talk about deep hurts and wounds. It also creates a deeper spiritual connection. Consistent practice helps couples experience peace and growth in their marriage.

Are past hurts keeping you and your spouse from true intimacy? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples apologize and forgive in ways that restore trust, strengthen communication, and honor God. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and start building a marriage grounded in grace and connection.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

How to Rebuild Trust After Hurtful Words| Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Why Trust Can Be Fragile After Hurtful Words

In a marriage, it is so important to watch the words you say. You may apologize later, but once the words have come out of your mouth, you cannot take them back. Consider this scripture- “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). You know the old saying- “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’ Well that is a big lie. Words hurt. Word can also heal.

Words can create big wounds that could be difficult to heal. Long after you have apologized, your spouse may still remember the harsh words you said. Words can break trust, they can make your spouse feel small, unloved, unheard and disrespected. Harsh or uncaring words can actually close the doors to open communication and intimacy.

In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn that rebuilding trust is a process grounded in both faith and practical steps. I’m pretty sure that if you’ve been married for a while you’ve said one or two hurtful words. Through the process of marriage counseling, you will learn how to be wise with your words, and how to repair after you mess up.

Understanding the Emotional Impact of Words

Hurtful words leave a lasting impact. In some cases they might even dig at the self esteem of your spouse. So be careful what you say. Sometimes you might say something as a joke, but in practice, it might hit a nerve of your spouse’s. Words can also affect the emotional safety of your spouse- especially harsh words or words said loudly. Most people think of safety in terms of physical safety. But safety can also be emotional. Does your spouse feel like she has to overly edit herself when she is around you? Do you speak over her? Invalidate her feelings? Do you use intelligent words in a bid to ‘win’ the conversation? Or are your words used to encourage?

Hurtful or harsh words can also put a damper on the connection in your marriage. Think about it. It’s hard to connect with someone whom you do not feel safe with. It’s hard to open up to someone who doesn’t understand your point of view or who treats you as if you’re his competition- as opposed to his partner. Sometimes couples are much too reactive when they talk. To be reactive means to speak without spending time to reflect on how your words will affect you, your spouse and your environment. But to be responsive on the other hand, means to pause so that you can phrase your words in a kind, respectful way. James 1:19 sums up what responsiveness is – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”

As a Black Christian therapist in Houston I help couples recognize patterns of reactive speech and understand the deeper emotional impact.

Steps to Repair Trust in Marriage

If you feel like your words have actually caused strife in your marriage, do not fear. As long as you and your spouse are willing, there’s always room for repair. The first step after you goof is to apologize. No need for shame. No need for guilt. No need to run away, Just straight up apologize to your spouse. An apology sounds like “I a sorry for saying [insert here].” An apology does NOT sound like “I am sorry if you feel sad” or “I am sorry you feel that way.” Nope.

The next step is to ask your spouse how you can improve things or prevent things from escalating next time. Perhaps you have to stay away from certain trigger words. Perhaps one of you might need to pause before you speak. Or maybe both of you take a time out. Stay away from words that obviously bother your spouse- even if those words are not a big deal to you.

After you apologize, pray for healing and guidance. Ask The Holy Spirit to bridle your tongue so that you use your words with wisdom. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston practice these steps to restore both emotional and spiritual intimacy.

Creating a Culture of Forgiveness and Grace

Although it’s important for each person to be careful about their words, it’s also important to extend a level of grace and understanding in marriage. Give each other time to learn and to grow. I’m not talking about justifying bad behavior. However, give each other some space to grow and learn. It’s also important to include a measure of accountability. You both should be able to call each other out when someone fumbles the ball. If your spouse uses triggering or hurtful words after you’ve already had a conversation, you have to remind him that those words are off limits. The desired outcome is for him to apologize. Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, I know that teaches that forgiveness is a discipline that reinforces trust over time.

Maintaining Trust Through Ongoing Communication

It is important to keep trying. The more work you put into it, the more successful you’ll be at this communication thing. Consistent communication habits are what you need to improve things in your marriage. Here are some habits you can start to improve communication:

1) Weekly check ins: Meet together once a week for about 30 minutes to talk about your week. What did each person say to build the other up? Was there anything that was said that was hurtful? How can you make it better? Pick just 1 thing to avoid overwhelm.

2) Shared prayer time: Prayer is a great way to invite God into your home. Before having a difficlt conversation, hold hands and say a prayer. Prayer softens hearts and helps to dampen difficult emotions. If you’re struggling with forgiveness, pray about it.

3) Listen actively: I sometimes ask my couples to take notes when their spouse is talking. This ensures that you are actually capturing what they are saying. Make a note about words that offend or hurt your spouse so you can stay away from them. Also identify how your spouse wants you to repair when you have hurt him. Does he want a hug in addition to “I’m sorry?” Is there a way to make amends? Talk about this.

Consistent, faith-based communication prevents new breaches of trust and strengthens marital intimacy.

Have hurtful words damaged trust in your marriage? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples rebuild trust, restore communication, and strengthen emotional and spiritual intimacy. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and start healing your marriage with guidance grounded in faith and expertise.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Using Boundaries to Protect Communication and strengths your marriage| Christian marriage counseling Houston

Why Boundaries Are Vital for Healthy Communication

Boundaries are gates that tell people when to come in, when to stand outside and when to stop. Every healthy relationship needs boundaries. If your boundaries are too flexible, you’ll get walked over. If your boundaries are too strong, on the other hand, you’ll never be able to let your spouse in and experience the full level of intimacy that you deserve to have within a marriage.

Boundaries help your spouse know how you want to be treated, what works for you, and what doesn’t. They help you protect yourself from hurt and they also invite respect and safety. Love should have boundaries and your spouse should know how you like to talk, what you enjoy socially, who you are, how you like to be spoken to, and what areas of your heart might be raw or unhealed.

In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn that healthy boundaries prevent escalation and foster understanding. A good boundary would let your spouse know that yelling is inappropriate in your household. A good boundary could also look like taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing when you miss the mark. You see? boundaries aren’t all bad. They help you respect one another. I believe that God also wants us to have boundaries. Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Without boundaries you cannot guard your heart. We are not to just allow anything penetrate our hearts.

Identifying Areas Where Boundaries Are Needed

If you’re still wondering what areas of your marriage might need some established boundaries, I’ll help you out. Let’s first start with tone and language. Some people have no concerns about foul language and escalated tone of voice during arguments. While, for others, it is a trigger of past trauma and/or a sign of disrespect. Talk about it.

You can have boundaries about personal space as well. This would be especially helpful if one person is an introvert and the other is an extrovert. Or if one person loves physical touch, while the other gets overstimulated or sometimes feels over touched.

You could also have boundaries around bedtime routines too. Are both of you early risers or night owls? Or is one of you an early bird while the other is a night owl? Talk about how that’s going to work for you.

Establish boundaries around work. This is especially helpful if one or both of you are entrepreneurs or work a non structured schedule.

Also establish boundaries around emotional triggers. What irritates you? What makes you sad? Nervous? Scared? Angry? Your spouse should know these things. As a Black Christian therapist in Houston I help couples identify where boundaries are most needed to reduce conflict.

How to Set Boundaries with Love and Grace

Now that you know what boundaries to set, the question is how exactly will you set them without it being awkward or without your spouse feeling hurt? First remember that boundaries are a way to learn how to love your spouse well. It is sometimes helpful to tell your spouse why the boundary is important to you. This gives him a better understanding of your past, your personality and your experiences.

Here is a good formula for communicating your boundaries:

I feel [insert feeling word] about [situation or boundary]. Here is what I need from you [insert here].

For example, I feel scared when I her someone raise their voice. What I need from you is to keep your voice at a low level when we disagree.

You can even talk more about past situations you’ve had around yelling and why it’s such a trigger for you. Notice there was no finger pointing. And in the event that voices do get raised, agree on game plan. One person needs to call a timeout. You can have a hand signal, or it can be a verbal call for timeout. During a time out, both parties need to move to separate rooms for at least 30 minutes. The goal is for each person to be able to cool off so that when you return, the conversation will be calm and respectful.

As usual, use prayer to guide and affirm mutual respect. When you have a joint goal, boundaries seem easier. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston learn to enforce boundaries while maintaining connection.

Overcoming Guilt and Fear Around Boundaries

Many wives are afraid to set boundaries or even talk about boundaries because they fear that their husbands will think less of them. Boundaries are not to push your husband away. Rather, boundaries are to give him a roadmap so that he can avoid triggers, love you deeper, respect you and help you feel truly cherished. They aren’t selfish. On the other hand, when you don’t know your own limitations, it’s hard for someone to love you well. Because no one knows what you need unless you tell them.

As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, my job is to guide you in understanding that God calls us to love wisely, which includes protecting emotional space.

The Long-Term Benefits of Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Setting boundaries could feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, having the difficult conversations can strengthen your marriage. Once you get these boundaries out of the way, your spouse gets to understand you better, you’re not nearly as triggered, and you’ll find that the arguments will reduce. Boundaries are a way to communicate clearly, deepen trust for one another and promote greater emotional safety.

When you know each other’s boundaries, you know how to take care of each other, how to talk to one another, how to hep each other through the hard things. Consistent use of boundaries, guided by faith, creates a sustainable path for conflict resolution and intimacy.

Do arguments in your marriage often escalate or leave you feeling unheard? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples set healthy, faith-based boundaries that protect communication and strengthen connection. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and start fostering a calmer, more loving marriage.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.

Turning Arguments into Opportunities for Growth | Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston

Why Conflict Can Be a Gateway to Growth

Arguments. Nobody likes them. They put you in a foul mood, you might shed a tear or two, and too many arguments will definitely drive a wedge in your marriage. What if conflict can actually be a way to strengthen your marriage?

Arguments do not have to do harm. You can dissect them, decide what led to the argument, take responsibility for your actions, then repair. You can also put systems in place so that you can return to ensure that the issue is actually being worked on. An argument simply reveals areas where your marriage needs more work. So instead of taking it personally, you and your spouse can act as detectives- get to the root of the problem, then tag team to get rid of the weeds before they completely destroy your marriage.

In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn to reframe conflict as a natural part of relational growth. Think of it this way- you and your spouse are different. You have different upbringings, you work in different areas, you have different genders, different strengths, and you see the world differently. So naturally, you have times when you see things differently. Conflict is a unique opportunity to learn more about your spouse then decide how to navigate those differences. It’s a way to promote deeper understanding. So if you play your cards right, conflict can strengthen your marriage.

Identifying the Root Cause of Arguments

The first step in learning how to utilize conflict as a tool for deeper understanding of your spouse, is first getting to the root cause of the argument.

Let me first say that many arguments in marriage don’t really make a whole lot of sense. Couples argue about what brand of ketchup to buy, who left the living room lights on and other random things that wouldn’t hold any weight in the next 3 years. If you’re not going to care about something in 3 years, don’t argue about it. You have to learn how to pick your battles. You also have to learn how to compromise, lose sometimes and just seek peace. I’m not talking about being passive or a doormat- I’m talking about maturity.

Okay le't’s dive into how to use arguments for marital growth.

After an argument, I would encourage the both of you to spend some time thinking about what happened. What was the statement or situation that led to conflict? And don’t blindly blame your spouse. Try to take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Because it takes two to argue. Very rarely is conflict only one person’s fault. What emotions led to the breakdown?

For example, maybe you were tired and irritable, and because of this, something that ordinarily would not have bothered you, became a huge deal.

Or maybe you are holding on to past hurts. Perhaps your husband did or said something a year ago to break your trust, but you’ve never addressed it. So on the surface, it sounds like you’re arguing about the grocery bill, but really you are finding it difficult to trust his judgment because of what he did last year.

Stress is another big trigger. You’re in the thick of busy season at work, the school year is full steam ahead, and your plate is too full. Rather than renegotiating your roles in the household, both of you decide to go at each other’s throats instead.

Ask yourselves, “What is this argument really about?”

Sometimes arguments are about miscommunication. I find that married couples suck at communicating clearly. My rule for clear communication goes like this: ‘If a complete stranger who doesn’t know anything about you walks into the room, and she heard your conversation, will she be able to translate your statement exactly how you meant it?’ For example, if you say “Put a bit of salt in the meal,” that could be misconstrued as a pic or 1/4 teaspoon or 1 teaspoon. A complete stranger won’t be able to tell.

So say what you mean.

My job as a Black Christian therapist in Houston is to help married couples uncover underlying issues rather than just addressing surface arguments. Let’s use wisdom every time we address conflict. James 3:17 says “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”

Practical Steps to Learn from Every Argument

After you have uncovered the cause of the argument, it’s time to take responsibility. The thing that sinks marital ships is pride. Everyone holds on to the idea of being right until marital strife overtakes the home. Take some time to reflect on what you did wrong. Did you communicate in an unclear manner? Did you snap at your husband because you were tired? Did you sweep past hurts under the rug and now it all just exploded on you?

After both of you have decided what your roles were in the conflict, share it with one another using “I” statements. Your job is to reflect on your own part, not to point fingers at your spouse. You have to trust that you are married to a grown adult who is capable of taking responsibility for his own actions. The goal isn’t to shame each other either. Your goal is to learn so that you’re not repeating harmful conflict cycles that could endanger your marriage. Ensure that you apologize for your role in the conflict. The goal of an apology is to mend hearts.

After this, talk about what you will put in place to ensure that the conflict cycle is broken. What triggers will you stay away from? Pray together about the situation and ask God for wisdom. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston practice these strategies to move from blame to understanding.

Building Empathy Through Conflict

Understanding your spouse is the key to turning disagreements into opportunities for connection. When your spouse is talking to you about his perspective, it’s important to listen. Don’t argue with him about his feelings. Because everyone’s feelings are valid. Listen carefully and try to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you were experiencing what he is going through? After you listen, validate his experience. Validation isn’t about agreeing, it simply is a way to help him know that you see him. Say something like “I can understand why you would feel that way.”

Ask yourself where you went wrong and how to make it better. If you’re not sure how to make it better, ask him and ensure you listen and take notes for next time. There’s no reason why you both have to trigger each other in the same way every single time. Empathy goes a long way in reinforcing love in a marriage. Try to understand each other and use it as a tool to connect with each other. When your spouse talks about his hurts, it helps you understand his heart much better, as well as his expectations and what triggers to avoid.

As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, I teach couples how empathy, combined with faith, creates stronger emotional intimacy. The key is to focus the needs and emotions of your spouse so that you know how to engage with him/her. Consider the scripture: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3–4).

Making Growth Through Conflict a Habit

Sometimes it feels like drinking from a fire hose. So to integrate what you’re learning from discussions with your spouse, consider keeping a journal where you can track triggers to stay away from, improvement you see in your marriage, as well as reflections about yourself. You can write down your feelings, topics for further discussion with your spouse and agreements you’ve made with your spouse. If you treat your marriage like it’s serious business, you’ll get serious results. You can even track prayer points and scriptures to meditate on.

Consistent practice strengthens both communication and spiritual connection in marriage. As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I notice that some people take their marriages very lightly. They don’t have deep discussions, they don’t know the things that trigger themselves or their spouses, and they don’t take responsibility for their actions. But if you are consistently tracking the work you are both agreeing to pour into your marriage, it’s only a matter of time before you see progress in your marriage. Great marriages don’t happen by chance, they are a result of intentional, consistent actions.

Do arguments in your marriage leave you frustrated or distant? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples turn conflict into growth, deepen their connection, and communicate with grace. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and begin transforming disagreements into opportunities for intimacy and understanding.

About

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.

Many of my clients are:

Highly sensitive people

High performing women

People with insomnia

Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust

If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.