Using Boundaries to Protect Communication and strengths your marriage| Christian marriage counseling Houston
Why Boundaries Are Vital for Healthy Communication
Boundaries are gates that tell people when to come in, when to stand outside and when to stop. Every healthy relationship needs boundaries. If your boundaries are too flexible, you’ll get walked over. If your boundaries are too strong, on the other hand, you’ll never be able to let your spouse in and experience the full level of intimacy that you deserve to have within a marriage.
Boundaries help your spouse know how you want to be treated, what works for you, and what doesn’t. They help you protect yourself from hurt and they also invite respect and safety. Love should have boundaries and your spouse should know how you like to talk, what you enjoy socially, who you are, how you like to be spoken to, and what areas of your heart might be raw or unhealed.
In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn that healthy boundaries prevent escalation and foster understanding. A good boundary would let your spouse know that yelling is inappropriate in your household. A good boundary could also look like taking responsibility for your actions and apologizing when you miss the mark. You see? boundaries aren’t all bad. They help you respect one another. I believe that God also wants us to have boundaries. Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Without boundaries you cannot guard your heart. We are not to just allow anything penetrate our hearts.
Identifying Areas Where Boundaries Are Needed
If you’re still wondering what areas of your marriage might need some established boundaries, I’ll help you out. Let’s first start with tone and language. Some people have no concerns about foul language and escalated tone of voice during arguments. While, for others, it is a trigger of past trauma and/or a sign of disrespect. Talk about it.
You can have boundaries about personal space as well. This would be especially helpful if one person is an introvert and the other is an extrovert. Or if one person loves physical touch, while the other gets overstimulated or sometimes feels over touched.
You could also have boundaries around bedtime routines too. Are both of you early risers or night owls? Or is one of you an early bird while the other is a night owl? Talk about how that’s going to work for you.
Establish boundaries around work. This is especially helpful if one or both of you are entrepreneurs or work a non structured schedule.
Also establish boundaries around emotional triggers. What irritates you? What makes you sad? Nervous? Scared? Angry? Your spouse should know these things. As a Black Christian therapist in Houston I help couples identify where boundaries are most needed to reduce conflict.
How to Set Boundaries with Love and Grace
Now that you know what boundaries to set, the question is how exactly will you set them without it being awkward or without your spouse feeling hurt? First remember that boundaries are a way to learn how to love your spouse well. It is sometimes helpful to tell your spouse why the boundary is important to you. This gives him a better understanding of your past, your personality and your experiences.
Here is a good formula for communicating your boundaries:
I feel [insert feeling word] about [situation or boundary]. Here is what I need from you [insert here].
For example, I feel scared when I her someone raise their voice. What I need from you is to keep your voice at a low level when we disagree.
You can even talk more about past situations you’ve had around yelling and why it’s such a trigger for you. Notice there was no finger pointing. And in the event that voices do get raised, agree on game plan. One person needs to call a timeout. You can have a hand signal, or it can be a verbal call for timeout. During a time out, both parties need to move to separate rooms for at least 30 minutes. The goal is for each person to be able to cool off so that when you return, the conversation will be calm and respectful.
As usual, use prayer to guide and affirm mutual respect. When you have a joint goal, boundaries seem easier. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston learn to enforce boundaries while maintaining connection.
Overcoming Guilt and Fear Around Boundaries
Many wives are afraid to set boundaries or even talk about boundaries because they fear that their husbands will think less of them. Boundaries are not to push your husband away. Rather, boundaries are to give him a roadmap so that he can avoid triggers, love you deeper, respect you and help you feel truly cherished. They aren’t selfish. On the other hand, when you don’t know your own limitations, it’s hard for someone to love you well. Because no one knows what you need unless you tell them.
As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, my job is to guide you in understanding that God calls us to love wisely, which includes protecting emotional space.
The Long-Term Benefits of Healthy Boundaries in Marriage
Setting boundaries could feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, having the difficult conversations can strengthen your marriage. Once you get these boundaries out of the way, your spouse gets to understand you better, you’re not nearly as triggered, and you’ll find that the arguments will reduce. Boundaries are a way to communicate clearly, deepen trust for one another and promote greater emotional safety.
When you know each other’s boundaries, you know how to take care of each other, how to talk to one another, how to hep each other through the hard things. Consistent use of boundaries, guided by faith, creates a sustainable path for conflict resolution and intimacy.
Do arguments in your marriage often escalate or leave you feeling unheard? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples set healthy, faith-based boundaries that protect communication and strengthen connection. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and start fostering a calmer, more loving marriage.
About
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
