How to Rebuild Trust After Hurtful Words| Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston
Why Trust Can Be Fragile After Hurtful Words
In a marriage, it is so important to watch the words you say. You may apologize later, but once the words have come out of your mouth, you cannot take them back. Consider this scripture- “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). You know the old saying- “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’ Well that is a big lie. Words hurt. Word can also heal.
Words can create big wounds that could be difficult to heal. Long after you have apologized, your spouse may still remember the harsh words you said. Words can break trust, they can make your spouse feel small, unloved, unheard and disrespected. Harsh or uncaring words can actually close the doors to open communication and intimacy.
In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn that rebuilding trust is a process grounded in both faith and practical steps. I’m pretty sure that if you’ve been married for a while you’ve said one or two hurtful words. Through the process of marriage counseling, you will learn how to be wise with your words, and how to repair after you mess up.
Understanding the Emotional Impact of Words
Hurtful words leave a lasting impact. In some cases they might even dig at the self esteem of your spouse. So be careful what you say. Sometimes you might say something as a joke, but in practice, it might hit a nerve of your spouse’s. Words can also affect the emotional safety of your spouse- especially harsh words or words said loudly. Most people think of safety in terms of physical safety. But safety can also be emotional. Does your spouse feel like she has to overly edit herself when she is around you? Do you speak over her? Invalidate her feelings? Do you use intelligent words in a bid to ‘win’ the conversation? Or are your words used to encourage?
Hurtful or harsh words can also put a damper on the connection in your marriage. Think about it. It’s hard to connect with someone whom you do not feel safe with. It’s hard to open up to someone who doesn’t understand your point of view or who treats you as if you’re his competition- as opposed to his partner. Sometimes couples are much too reactive when they talk. To be reactive means to speak without spending time to reflect on how your words will affect you, your spouse and your environment. But to be responsive on the other hand, means to pause so that you can phrase your words in a kind, respectful way. James 1:19 sums up what responsiveness is – “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
As a Black Christian therapist in Houston I help couples recognize patterns of reactive speech and understand the deeper emotional impact.
Steps to Repair Trust in Marriage
If you feel like your words have actually caused strife in your marriage, do not fear. As long as you and your spouse are willing, there’s always room for repair. The first step after you goof is to apologize. No need for shame. No need for guilt. No need to run away, Just straight up apologize to your spouse. An apology sounds like “I a sorry for saying [insert here].” An apology does NOT sound like “I am sorry if you feel sad” or “I am sorry you feel that way.” Nope.
The next step is to ask your spouse how you can improve things or prevent things from escalating next time. Perhaps you have to stay away from certain trigger words. Perhaps one of you might need to pause before you speak. Or maybe both of you take a time out. Stay away from words that obviously bother your spouse- even if those words are not a big deal to you.
After you apologize, pray for healing and guidance. Ask The Holy Spirit to bridle your tongue so that you use your words with wisdom. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston practice these steps to restore both emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Creating a Culture of Forgiveness and Grace
Although it’s important for each person to be careful about their words, it’s also important to extend a level of grace and understanding in marriage. Give each other time to learn and to grow. I’m not talking about justifying bad behavior. However, give each other some space to grow and learn. It’s also important to include a measure of accountability. You both should be able to call each other out when someone fumbles the ball. If your spouse uses triggering or hurtful words after you’ve already had a conversation, you have to remind him that those words are off limits. The desired outcome is for him to apologize. Ephesians 4:32 says “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, I know that teaches that forgiveness is a discipline that reinforces trust over time.
Maintaining Trust Through Ongoing Communication
It is important to keep trying. The more work you put into it, the more successful you’ll be at this communication thing. Consistent communication habits are what you need to improve things in your marriage. Here are some habits you can start to improve communication:
1) Weekly check ins: Meet together once a week for about 30 minutes to talk about your week. What did each person say to build the other up? Was there anything that was said that was hurtful? How can you make it better? Pick just 1 thing to avoid overwhelm.
2) Shared prayer time: Prayer is a great way to invite God into your home. Before having a difficlt conversation, hold hands and say a prayer. Prayer softens hearts and helps to dampen difficult emotions. If you’re struggling with forgiveness, pray about it.
3) Listen actively: I sometimes ask my couples to take notes when their spouse is talking. This ensures that you are actually capturing what they are saying. Make a note about words that offend or hurt your spouse so you can stay away from them. Also identify how your spouse wants you to repair when you have hurt him. Does he want a hug in addition to “I’m sorry?” Is there a way to make amends? Talk about this.
Consistent, faith-based communication prevents new breaches of trust and strengthens marital intimacy.
Have hurtful words damaged trust in your marriage? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples rebuild trust, restore communication, and strengthen emotional and spiritual intimacy. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and start healing your marriage with guidance grounded in faith and expertise.
About
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
