Apologizing and Forgiving Biblically in Marriage | Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston
Why Apology and Forgiveness Are Essential in Marriage
When you are married, your partner will hurt you from time to time. And of course, because you’re not perfect, you will hurt him too. But forgiveness has to become a staple in your marriage, if not, resentment and bitterness will enter. And once you become resentful, things will take a turn for the worst. Unresolved offenses cause deep damage in a marriage. But the antidote for that is clear communication and working towards strong intimacy.
If you want to have a biblical marriage, it is important to have a forgiving heart. One caveat though. I’m not talking about abuse or when your life is in danger. I am simply referring to forgiveness of small hurts and differences of opinion. My assumption in this blog is that both you and your husband are reasonable people who actually want to learn how to communicate in a healthy way. Colossians 3:13 says “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” It can be so easy to hold a grudge against your spouse, because our hearts can be hurt easier by the people we love the most.
And when you hurt your spouse- even if you hate to admit your wrongdoing- it is important to admit your wrongdoing and apologize. An apology helps to mend your spouse’s broken heart, softens your own heart and creates a deeper level of intimacy and togetherness in your marriage.
In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn that apologies and forgiveness are not optional—they are spiritual and relational necessities. If you want a strong, healthy marriage, then forgiveness and apologizing has to be part your tools.
Understanding True Apology
When you inevitably wrong your spouse, it’s important to learn how to give him a proper apology. The goal of an apology is for you to show humility, to understand what hurt your spouse and to begin to heal his heart with your words.
The first step in an apology is to admit that you wronged him. It doesn’t matter whether or not you meant to offend him. Once someone says that you hurt them, it’s important to acknowledge your wrong. Also acknowledge that your spouse’s feelings are indeed valid- even if you don’t understand them.
Take some time to listen to what your spouse has to say. Listening helps you to truly understand your husband’s heart and perspective. Ask questions like “What was it about what I said that hurt you?” “What could I have done to make it better?” “How can we prevent this from escalating in the future?” “How can I make it up to you?” “What do you need in this moment?”
Accept responsibility for what you said and/or did. This one takes a big step of humility. Take shame out of the equation. Accept where you went wrong. No buts, no justification, no explanations. Just accept it and move on.
Next step is to express some sort of remorse for your mistake or misstep. You must have some sort of remorse for causing hurt and harm. And to show remorse, a simple “I’m sorry” or “I should not have said that” could suffice.
Ask your spouse what you need to do to make it better. Take notes if you need to, so you’re not committing the same offense over and over again. And the last thing is to commit to change. Make a mental note to do better.
As a Black Christian therapist in Houston, I help couples practice authentic apologies that foster trust instead of defensiveness. James 5:16 says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Once you come to your spouse with an open, humble, contrite heart, you now create room for a stronger, safer relationship.
Biblical Principles for Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a choice. It takes a lot of strength and willpower. It involves putting your hurts and pain away and deciding that you want to actually reunite with your spouse. Forgiveness is also a command in the Bible. Matthew 6:14–15 say “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.”
Ouch!
So that means God will shut His eyes and His ears to you if you don’t forgive your spouse. I’ll leave that one there.
Christian marriage counseling in Houston is a great avenue to learn how to forgive without condoning hurtful behavior.
Practical Steps for Apologizing and Forgiving Together
The first step to apologizing and forgiving is to probably pray together. Take a moment to pause and pray before difficult conversations. This is a great way to invite The Holy Spirit who gives us wisdom to know the right things to say. He also facilitates healing, forgiveness and a tender heart.
Use “I feel” statements to express hurt without blame. When you are expressing your point of view, it is important to be soft and gentle with it. Your upset is not an excuse to be mean to your spouse. It is important to talk from your own point of view. Don’t speak for your spouse or make assumptions about him. Refrain from ascribing certain emotions to your spouse. For example, “You did it on purpose.” Because you’re not in his mind, you can’t assume to know his intentions. Rather, focus on your feelings and perspective. For example “I feel sad by the common you made. What I need is an apology.” Notice we aren’t speaking for your spouse in any way.
Accept apologies with grace, seeking reconciliation rather than revenge. When you have assertively spoken about how you feel and what you need, it is now time to accept your husband’s apology so that reconciliation can happen. It’s okay to let him know how he can make it up to you. For some people, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they need. For others, they need to see behavioral change. Think about what you need.
A Black marriage counselor in Houston guides couples in turning these steps into a lasting relational practice.
The Long-Term Benefits of Biblical Apology and Forgiveness
So why is forgiveness actually important in a relationship?
Because forgiveness helps to restore trust in your relationship. Every time you hurt your spouse, you create a tear in the relationship. But forgiveness and apology helps to repair the tear. Forgiveness is also a great way to practice strong and healthy communication in your marriage. Through apologizing and forgiving, you learn about your husband’s triggers, how his heart is healed and ways that you can make amends to him when you mess up.
Another reason why apology and forgiveness is good is to improve emotional safety in your marriage. When your spouse knows that he can speak to you about anything, and he can come to you even when you've hurt him, it increases emotional safety in the relationship. In a safe marriage, both parties should be able to talk about deep hurts and wounds. It also creates a deeper spiritual connection. Consistent practice helps couples experience peace and growth in their marriage.
Are past hurts keeping you and your spouse from true intimacy? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples apologize and forgive in ways that restore trust, strengthen communication, and honor God. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and start building a marriage grounded in grace and connection.
About
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
