Turning Arguments into Opportunities for Growth | Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston
Why Conflict Can Be a Gateway to Growth
Arguments. Nobody likes them. They put you in a foul mood, you might shed a tear or two, and too many arguments will definitely drive a wedge in your marriage. What if conflict can actually be a way to strengthen your marriage?
Arguments do not have to do harm. You can dissect them, decide what led to the argument, take responsibility for your actions, then repair. You can also put systems in place so that you can return to ensure that the issue is actually being worked on. An argument simply reveals areas where your marriage needs more work. So instead of taking it personally, you and your spouse can act as detectives- get to the root of the problem, then tag team to get rid of the weeds before they completely destroy your marriage.
In Christian marriage counseling in Houston, couples learn to reframe conflict as a natural part of relational growth. Think of it this way- you and your spouse are different. You have different upbringings, you work in different areas, you have different genders, different strengths, and you see the world differently. So naturally, you have times when you see things differently. Conflict is a unique opportunity to learn more about your spouse then decide how to navigate those differences. It’s a way to promote deeper understanding. So if you play your cards right, conflict can strengthen your marriage.
Identifying the Root Cause of Arguments
The first step in learning how to utilize conflict as a tool for deeper understanding of your spouse, is first getting to the root cause of the argument.
Let me first say that many arguments in marriage don’t really make a whole lot of sense. Couples argue about what brand of ketchup to buy, who left the living room lights on and other random things that wouldn’t hold any weight in the next 3 years. If you’re not going to care about something in 3 years, don’t argue about it. You have to learn how to pick your battles. You also have to learn how to compromise, lose sometimes and just seek peace. I’m not talking about being passive or a doormat- I’m talking about maturity.
Okay le't’s dive into how to use arguments for marital growth.
After an argument, I would encourage the both of you to spend some time thinking about what happened. What was the statement or situation that led to conflict? And don’t blindly blame your spouse. Try to take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Because it takes two to argue. Very rarely is conflict only one person’s fault. What emotions led to the breakdown?
For example, maybe you were tired and irritable, and because of this, something that ordinarily would not have bothered you, became a huge deal.
Or maybe you are holding on to past hurts. Perhaps your husband did or said something a year ago to break your trust, but you’ve never addressed it. So on the surface, it sounds like you’re arguing about the grocery bill, but really you are finding it difficult to trust his judgment because of what he did last year.
Stress is another big trigger. You’re in the thick of busy season at work, the school year is full steam ahead, and your plate is too full. Rather than renegotiating your roles in the household, both of you decide to go at each other’s throats instead.
Ask yourselves, “What is this argument really about?”
Sometimes arguments are about miscommunication. I find that married couples suck at communicating clearly. My rule for clear communication goes like this: ‘If a complete stranger who doesn’t know anything about you walks into the room, and she heard your conversation, will she be able to translate your statement exactly how you meant it?’ For example, if you say “Put a bit of salt in the meal,” that could be misconstrued as a pic or 1/4 teaspoon or 1 teaspoon. A complete stranger won’t be able to tell.
So say what you mean.
My job as a Black Christian therapist in Houston is to help married couples uncover underlying issues rather than just addressing surface arguments. Let’s use wisdom every time we address conflict. James 3:17 says “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”
Practical Steps to Learn from Every Argument
After you have uncovered the cause of the argument, it’s time to take responsibility. The thing that sinks marital ships is pride. Everyone holds on to the idea of being right until marital strife overtakes the home. Take some time to reflect on what you did wrong. Did you communicate in an unclear manner? Did you snap at your husband because you were tired? Did you sweep past hurts under the rug and now it all just exploded on you?
After both of you have decided what your roles were in the conflict, share it with one another using “I” statements. Your job is to reflect on your own part, not to point fingers at your spouse. You have to trust that you are married to a grown adult who is capable of taking responsibility for his own actions. The goal isn’t to shame each other either. Your goal is to learn so that you’re not repeating harmful conflict cycles that could endanger your marriage. Ensure that you apologize for your role in the conflict. The goal of an apology is to mend hearts.
After this, talk about what you will put in place to ensure that the conflict cycle is broken. What triggers will you stay away from? Pray together about the situation and ask God for wisdom. Couples in Christian marriage counseling in Houston practice these strategies to move from blame to understanding.
Building Empathy Through Conflict
Understanding your spouse is the key to turning disagreements into opportunities for connection. When your spouse is talking to you about his perspective, it’s important to listen. Don’t argue with him about his feelings. Because everyone’s feelings are valid. Listen carefully and try to put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if you were experiencing what he is going through? After you listen, validate his experience. Validation isn’t about agreeing, it simply is a way to help him know that you see him. Say something like “I can understand why you would feel that way.”
Ask yourself where you went wrong and how to make it better. If you’re not sure how to make it better, ask him and ensure you listen and take notes for next time. There’s no reason why you both have to trigger each other in the same way every single time. Empathy goes a long way in reinforcing love in a marriage. Try to understand each other and use it as a tool to connect with each other. When your spouse talks about his hurts, it helps you understand his heart much better, as well as his expectations and what triggers to avoid.
As a Black marriage counselor in Houston, I teach couples how empathy, combined with faith, creates stronger emotional intimacy. The key is to focus the needs and emotions of your spouse so that you know how to engage with him/her. Consider the scripture: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3–4).
Making Growth Through Conflict a Habit
Sometimes it feels like drinking from a fire hose. So to integrate what you’re learning from discussions with your spouse, consider keeping a journal where you can track triggers to stay away from, improvement you see in your marriage, as well as reflections about yourself. You can write down your feelings, topics for further discussion with your spouse and agreements you’ve made with your spouse. If you treat your marriage like it’s serious business, you’ll get serious results. You can even track prayer points and scriptures to meditate on.
Consistent practice strengthens both communication and spiritual connection in marriage. As a Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I notice that some people take their marriages very lightly. They don’t have deep discussions, they don’t know the things that trigger themselves or their spouses, and they don’t take responsibility for their actions. But if you are consistently tracking the work you are both agreeing to pour into your marriage, it’s only a matter of time before you see progress in your marriage. Great marriages don’t happen by chance, they are a result of intentional, consistent actions.
Do arguments in your marriage leave you frustrated or distant? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples turn conflict into growth, deepen their connection, and communicate with grace. Book your free 15-minute consultation for Christian marriage counseling in Houston today and begin transforming disagreements into opportunities for intimacy and understanding.
About
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
