How to Pause Before Saying Something You’ll Regret | Christian Marriage Counseling in Houston
Why Pausing Can Save Your Marriage from Unnecessary Conflict
Your husband comes back from the store- without the 3 most important items that you asked him to get for dinner tonight! You emailed him, you texted him AND you told him verbally! It’s almost 6pm, you’re already behind on dinner preparation. The kids are getting antsy, you just wanted to whip up a quick dinner, put the kids to bed and finally have some time to yourself. But because of his mistake- yet again- you find yourself rushing into the car, back to the grocery store to grab 3 simple items.
You want to start screaming. You’re actually so mad that you could cry. And if you did, it won’t be totally shocking. But if you did, he’ll get defensive, he might blame you, you’ll both go back and forth, and dinner will still be late. Only now, you’ll both be in a foul mood.
Many conflicts happen in marriage because couples react before thinking. A huge trigger presents itself, reminding you of the past, and you instantly blow your lid off. Now you’re both trapped in the yelling or silent treatment trap. What good does it do? Nothing.
A scripture that speaks to this is Proverbs 15:28 – “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.”
Ouch.
Yelling is probably not righteous or kind. And I know you definitely do not want to be wicked or evil.
Heavy words.
The silent treatment is probably not righteous or kind. I can assure you that even though you are completely at your wit’s end with this situation [or whatever other situation you’re currently facing], yelling will only make it worse. Finger pointing will not get dinner cooked any faster. It also won’t rewind time and get the correct dinner ingredients.
Enter marriage counseling in Houston.
My job as a Christian marriage counselor in Houston is NOT to have you eat your feelings or pretend like you’re not upset. It’s also not to take you husband’s side, (because he totally should be able to get 3 simple ingredients from the grocery store). But my goal is to teach couples how to create intentional pause moments to respond with love instead of anger. You get to express your frustration, you get to tell him what’s on your mind, but you learn how to do it without creating a crack in your marriage.
Understanding Emotional Triggers That Lead to Hurtful Words
Marriage can sometimes feel like a battle field. You wake up in the morning and you feel like between your husband and your kids, bombs are thrown at you constantly. Here are some common triggers I’m sure you might have experienced:
Stress: This is a big one. You’re juggling your life as a wife, keeping the home together, managing your husband’s needs, continuing to meet your goals as an entrepreneur or an employee, volunteering at church, engaging in ministry, trying to keep your physical and mental health afloat- the list is endless! You already feel like you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So it is little wonder why you snap at the smallest thing. Because that small thing is the actual straw that breaks the camel’s back.
Past unhealed wounds: You’ve been married for a while, and sometimes you wonder if you even still love your husband. Whenever you look at him, you are reminded of past ways in which your trust has been broken, respect has dwindled and you are beginning to feel like “Why am I even here? What’s in this for me?”
Unmet expectations: When you got married you thought things would go one way, but things have taken a different turn. You didn't think things would be this hard. Maybe you thought your husband would be more like your dad- or less like him. But it turns out you find yourself in the very marriage you said you didn’t want.
Feeling Unheard: Just like in the previous example, you get tired of repeating yourself over and over again, of him leaning on you for things you think he should be able to do himself, but you not being able to lean on him. And you are also tired of your feelings going invalidated. You feel invisible and sometimes, unloved.
If you can identify with the above trigegrs, never fear, help is near. As a Black Christian therapist in Houston I help wives and husbands identify personal triggers and respond from a place of grace. We won’t sweep them under the rug, rather we will be able to address them, you’ll learn how to respond to them appropriately, so you can stop stepping on each other’s toes.
Practical Techniques for Pausing Before Responding
If you have found yourself yelling, snapping at or being rude with your spouse one too many times, here are some simple tips to help you pause before responding. Remember that your response will either improve your relationship or put a crack in it. You choose the one that you want.
Take a deep breath: Sometimes all you need is a few seconds between hearing your spouse say something triggering and opening your mouth to respond. A deep breath gives you a few seconds to rethink what is about to come out of your mouth. Breathe in deeply for 4 seconds, then breathe out for 4 seconds. Try to repeat this 4 times. This gives you at least 32 seconds to gather your thoughts.
Ask yourself this before responding:
“Is my statement kind or is it wicked?”
“Will my statement repair my relationship or attempt to rip it apart?”
“Will my statement help my spouse or shatter him?”
“Will I regret this response tomorrow?'‘
Request a short break before responding: Do not feel the pressure to respond to everything in real time. Sometimes you have to take time to reflect, gather your thoughts and actually craft a good response. And this takes time. Carve at least 30 minutes for this. When you are in a time out, don’t spend the time thinking about how upset you are. Rather, think about what you want to add to the relationship. Thinking about your upset will only increase it.
Pray silently for guidance before responding: This is the most important one. Before you open your mouth to respond in the heat of the moment, say a silent prayer for wisdom and guidance. Nobody is wiser than the Holy Spirit. He will get you right every single time.
If this seems difficult or impossible, the couples I work with in Christian marriage counseling in Houston practice these strategies until they become natural habits. I’ll guide you and help you learn how to communicate effectively with your spouse- yes, even in the heat of the moment.
How Pausing Transforms Conflict into Connection
Keyword: Black marriage counselor in Houston
Explain how pausing reduces escalation, opens space for empathy, and strengthens emotional safety.
A Black marriage counselor in Houston teaches couples how to use pause moments to listen actively and respond constructively.
Scripture: Proverbs 17:27 – “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.”
If you find yourself feeling impatient at the idea of pausing, know that it reduces escalation. Imagine how many arguments, hurt feelings and misunderstandings could be prevented if only you or your husband took the time to pause and reflect before speaking. Taking a pause also gives space for empathy. Sometimes you rush to judgment before thinking things through.
Sometimes you snap at your spouse simply because you’re tired or stressed. Other times pausing allows you to better understand what your spouse meant. Sometimes you respond before even understanding your spouse’s intentions or point of view.
Pausing can also strengthen emotional safety. When you know that your spouse is mature enough to give you compassion when you fall, and also provide you with grace and understanding, you feel more loved. And someone who feel loved I swore likely to also give more love. We need to give space for humanity in our marriages.
My job as a Black marriage counselor in Houston is to teach couples like you how to use pause moments to listen actively and respond constructively. Communication is an art form that very few people do well. With some simple tweaks your marriage can be transformed in a few weeks.
I’ll leave you with this scripture- “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered” Proverbs 17:27.
Making Pausing a Daily Habit in Your Marriage
Be patient with yourself. Communication is an art form that is learned over time. If you and your spouse are willing, you can absolutely learn healthy skills that will help you feel loved, respected and heard. One way to incorporate pausing in your daily life is to begin with daily check ins. Ask each other these 2 questions each day:
How did I help you feel loved/respected today?
How can I do better tomorrow?
If the above questions don’t feel deep enough for you, perhaps you can do regular, longer check ins. These can work once a week or even once a month. Go over what you appreciate about one another (I’m a fan of starting and ending on a positive note). Make sure you use specifics. Also talk about 1 thing you think your spouse can do better. When you do this, focus on just 1 thing. Don’t sound harsh or degrading. Feedback should always be done in love. You can also include what you appreciate about one another. Catch your spouse being loving. Never fail to send him or her texts of appreciation. And if you want to take it old school. write a handwritten note too.
Make sure you pray before these discussions so they don’t go left.
Do arguments in your marriage leave you feeling frustrated or distant? As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, I help couples learn how to pause, respond with grace, and turn conflict into connection. Book your free 15-minute consultation today and start creating a calmer, more loving marriage.
About
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
