New to therapy? Questions to ask a Black Therapist before you begin therapy

Some people have described 2020 as a dumpster fire. I’m not saying it was a bad year for everyone, but there certainly were some difficulties along the way. For some people, the COVID-19 pandemic brought them closer to their family and loved ones, and for others, it brought up all the problems and struggles they thought they’d buried a long time ago.

And so 2021 is a good year to heal some of the difficult emotions that 2020 brought up. It might be the year in which you go to therapy to learn to take off that strong Black woman armor you’ve been burdened with. It could be the year in which you learn to say goodbye to anxiety or finally learn how to sleep well.

It might be the year you decide to roll your sleeves up and finally do the emotional work so that 2021 can be your best year yet. In my last blog post, I wrote all about how to find a Black therapist near you. If you haven’t read it, please do so.

I imagine you’re at the stage in which you have your shortlist of therapists. You’ve scheduled a few consultation calls, but you have no clue what to ask the therapist, how to know if they are the best therapist for you, or how to get the most out of therapy.

Well, I got you. Take some notes. Let’s make the process of finding the best Black therapist for you easy peasy. Here are some quick questions you can ask a Black therapist when you’re on a consultation call (And FYI, I do not feel offended when potential clients ask me my gender, race, ethnicity or faith background when we are on consultation calls).

What is your therapy style?

Some therapists (like me) are very laid back. I laugh A LOT during therapy sessions, but don’t get it wrong, I am laser focused on helping you reach those goals. I am also very goal oriented. I suggest that all my clients get a therapy notebook in which they journal thoughts that happen outside of the therapy session so that we can talk about it in session.

I also give my clients homework- it can range from a 5-minute exercise to week long practices. As a Black female therapist who works with successful, high achieving, Black women, humor is very much a part of what I do. Although there might be tears during the session, I also share quite a few laughs with my clients. My clients can show up as they are- in their bonnets, pajamas, bath robes, head wraps- I’ve seen it all and I judge NONE of it.

There are other Black therapists who are more formal with their style. Neither style is better than the other. Some therapists talk quite a bit in session, others let their clients do most of the talking. Still, others do more somatic work in which the body and mind are incorporated. Some do animal assisted therapy, and others do outdoor therapy. 

The most important thing is what style you think works best for you.

Do you practice long-term therapy or short-term therapy?

Because human behavior can be so complex, it’s difficult to know how many sessions you will need to have. I happen to be a short-term therapist. I tell my clients that I work intensely with them (I see them weekly) until they have accomplished all their goals. 

During the first session, we set very clear, specific goals, and I check in periodically to see how close we are to meeting those goals. Once we have reached those goals, it’s time to graduate. That being said, the average client sees me for about 6 months. Although I’ve had clients who have been with me for years. I also have clients who have returned after graduation. Like I said, everyone’s path is different.

Do you have experience working with Black, Christian women [or insert some of your identifiers here]?

I am of the opinion that therapy is supposed to work for you. You shouldn't go to see a therapist just because you think that therapist is the only option for you. You should feel a deep, positive connection with your therapist in which there is safety and openness.

If you are currently in therapy and you feel like the process is not working for you, I suggest having a heart to heart with your therapist to see if something can be tweaked or if you can be referred out to someone who is a great fit for you. Your therapist should be a great fit for you.

I also believe that issues of culture are HUGE! As a Black, Christian, immigrant therapist, there are so many nuances to my clients’ backgrounds. It is also important that your therapist can see you and respect all the parts of you. So please do not be afraid to address this when you consult with a therapist on the phone. Many Black therapists or therapists of color understand the importance of including a clients’ experiences and culture in the sessions.

How often will you see me?

Therapy should happen regularly in order to see results. Typically, each therapy session builds upon previous sessions. If you only go to therapy once a year or once a month, it might be hard to gain the traction that you need. During the consultation call, address this with the therapist. Get clear on what his or her schedule looks likes to ensure that there will be space for your needs.

This might also be a good time to ask how long sessions are. Some therapists have quick 30-minute sessions. Others see clients for 45 minutes, 50 minutes, 60 minutes 75 minutes or even have intensives that last more than 2 hours. Please get clear on this so that you can decide if this suits your schedule and your needs.

How will I know when I’m ready to graduate therapy?

It’s usually nice to have benchmarks when you’re in therapy. It helps you identify your progress, what areas you still need to work on, and when you think you’ll be ready to graduate from the therapy process.

Ask the therapist if there are any systems in place to help with this. Please note that graduation from therapy doesn’t mean that you can never return to therapy. It also doesn’t imply that your life will be perfect. It simply means that this therapy cycle has helped you achieve specific goals.

Other Questions to ask

• How much does a session cost?

• Can you provide a super bill for my insurance? And what is the process like?

• Will I receive a mental health diagnosis? (Quick note here. If you choose to use your insurance, chances are you therapist would have to provide a mental health diagnosis. I always advocate for clients to know what they are being diagnosed with).

• Are you in network with my insurance company?

• What happens if I cannot make it to a scheduled appointment? (Some therapists have no show policies and others will terminate you after a certain number of missed sessions. It’s important to be clear about that).

• What type of license do you have? (Depending on your state, there are licensed marriage and family therapists, licensed clinical social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, licensed mental health counselors, licensed professional clinical counselors, etc.). To be extra careful, you could also decide to look up the therapist on the licensing board’s website to ensure that their license is in good standing.

• Do you engage in Christian [insert religious or spiritual background here] counseling?

• Do you work with [insert your issues here- it could be anxiety, depression, infidelity, infertility, athletic performance, etc].

Those are some questions you could ask your therapist before beginning therapy. If you are a Black woman in California, seeking a Black, Christian therapist who can help you manage anxiety, get rid of insomnia or create an amazing relationship, click here to schedule a free consultation with me.

Remember, the best therapist for you is one you feel safe with.

Want to read more?

How to find a Black therapist: A Simple guide.

How to find a Black Therapist: A simple step by step guide

2020 was quite an interesting year. It was the first time we experienced a pandemic. We had lockdowns, global unrest, economic upheaval, lockdowns, social distancing, mask wearing, hullabaloo about vaccines, virtual schooling, telecommuting, a presidential election…the list goes on and on.

Now that we have crossed over into a new year, maybe you find yourself feeling more anxious than usual. Maybe you toss and turn every night and you just can’t sleep. Or maybe 2020 was the year that brought chaos into your marriage. All that time spent working virtually and home schooling your kids has taken a toll on you.

You’re certainly NOT alone. Maybe it’s time to talk to a therapist. There is an erroneous belief that Black people and other people of color don’t go to therapy. But that certainly is NOT true.

You’ve thought about seeing a therapist, but you’re not sure where to go or who to call. Let’s face it, finding a mental health therapist in the Murrieta/Temecula area or in Riverside County for that matter, can be a BIG struggle. 

You search ‘Black mental health therapist near me’ and you’re rewarded with 100 options. You look through the first 20, call 10, and you’re greeted by voicemail after voicemail. Your head begins to spin because you don’t even know who the right choice is. Some of the therapists ask you to schedule a consultation call, but you have no clue what that even means or what to say during said call. You know you want a Black therapist, but you’re not sure if that’s appropriate to think or ask for.

I’m here to simplify the process. As a Black therapist in Riverside County- who sees clients virtually throughout California, clients tell me all the time how hard it was to wade through all the options just to find me.

So here it goes- my step by step guide of how to find a Black therapist.

Think about what you need from a therapist

Before you make the first call, take a moment to ask yourself, “What do I need from my Black therapist?” This might be an odd question, but it’s important to note that every therapist cannot help you. You won’t automatically connect with every therapist you speak to- regardless of gender, ethnicity, location, cost, specialty, etc.

• Do you want a therapist who engages in traditional talk therapy in which both of you engage in a series of interventions that include talking?

• Do you want a therapist who digs into your past and uncovers past pain and trauma? Or do you prefer to stay present focused?

• Are you particular about the therapist’s religious background and do you want that religion or spirituality included in the therapy process?

• Do you want a therapist of a specific gender?

• Do you want a therapist who is more formal, or one who is casual, laid back, humorous and always has a head wrap to match her shirt?

• Are you looking for long term therapy or something more short term?

• What specific issues are you looking for help with? Can the therapist treat those issues? For example: trauma, infidelity, substance use, anxiety, depression, insomnia, couples counseling. Many therapists do specialized work.

Ask your friends, family members or loved ones for a referral

One of the easiest ways to find a Black therapist is simply to ask those around you. Chances are you have friends and loved ones who are either currently in therapy, who have been in therapy before or who know someone who knows a Black therapist (I promise you that we exist).

If you have other Black friends or loved ones of color- go ahead and ask them. Ask them what makes that therapist a great therapist, what the therapist’s style is, and possibly, what issues the therapist treats. It’s always great to get an insider referral. By the way, it’s okay if you and your friends see the same therapist- as long as you and the therapist do not feel it’s a conflict of interest.

I can assure you that going to therapy is so much more common than you think. Because therapy happens in a confidential setting, we often think that we are the only ones who go to therapy. Let me fill you in on a little secret- even therapists go to therapy. We are in the business of helping others and also receiving help.

Do a Google search for ‘Black Therapist near me.’

Yup, sometimes it’s as easy as that. Good old Google is at your service when you need it. Due to the pandemic, so many more therapists have gone virtual, so you can easily see a therapist that might not be geographically near you, but is located in your state.

The way therapy licenses are regulated in the United States, we are licensed to practice therapy throughout our states. That means if you live in California, you can see any therapist within California, but you can’t see a therapist who is licensed in Georgia or Florida for example (except the therapist is licensed in multiple states).

When you do a Google search, I always suggest that you visit the therapist’s website, spend time reading the website, notice what the specialties are, and ask to schedule a free consultation call. Not all therapists offer this, but it never hurts to ask. Also search therapists in nearby cities, just to broaden your options. So, if you live in Riverside County, you can search ‘Black therapist in Los Angeles,’ ‘Black therapist in San Diego,’ or even ‘African American therapist near me.’

Use a Therapist or Mental Health Directory

If you don’t feel like asking your loved ones for a referral and Google seems too overwhelming, you’re in luck. There are quite a lot of therapist directories out there. Some are broad, and some are specific to therapists who serve communities of color, Latinx communities, Black clients or women.

Many of these directories have filters so that you can be very specific in your search. Here are a few therapist directories you could try.

• Therapy for Black Girls: A directory specifically for Black women who are looking for a therapist.

• Melanin and Mental Health: A directory serving Black and Latinx communities.

• Clinicians of Color Directory: A directory serving communities of color.

• Therapy Den: A directory helping to connect people to therapists.

• Psychology Today: One of the largest mental health service directories. It’s very broad and you can find a psychiatrist on here too.

Schedule a Free Consult With The Therapists You Find

After you have scanned through the directories and glanced over the therapists’ websites, create a short list of therapists who stand out to you. The best therapist for you is the therapist who you have a great connection with AND who is skilled in helping you meet your goals. This is a good time to trust your gut.

Not every therapist offers free consultation calls, but you can always ask for one. During the consultation call you can ask about their style of therapy, what types of clients they typically work with, if therapy is short or long term, and get a general sense of the therapist’s vibe. What vibe am I talking about? You’ll feel it when you talk to a few therapists.

There you have it- a simple step by step guide to finding a Black therapist in your city or state. 

If you are a successful Black woman in California, struggling with anxiety, insomnia or relationship problems, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me.

I’d love to talk to you about your struggles and see if we are a great fit for one another, so you can finally get back on the right track. If you want to find out more about me, you can read up all about me here.

Letter to the invisible, strong woman

You are the one who carries your entire family on your back. You wake up before everyone else, you ensure that everything is in place for your family.

You have tons of hopes and dreams, but you often put them aside to ensure that everyone else is well taken care of. But deep inside, you are tired of being the strong woman. You are tired of having to plaster a smile on your face every day. You struggle secretly, and no one around you knows.

You feel lonely. The people around you have no clue what you’re going through because you are the designated strong woman. You are the trouble shooter and the official problem solver. You’re the go to woman who holds everyone’s emotions in your hands.

You would love to have a day set aside where you can just plop yourself on the bed and sleep all day. You’d love it if people checked up on you as well- rather than assuming that all is well with you.

So, strong woman, here’s how you can move from invisible superhero to seen and human.

Allow people to see your humanity

Because you’re so used to being the go to person, chances are your loved ones don’t notice when you’re down. Here’s where vulnerability comes in. When you are feeling sad, overwhelmed or upset, tell someone you trust. I say this over and over again to my therapy clients. If people aren’t used to seeing that side of you, they’ll assume that you’re always fine- thereby perpetuating the cycle that your needs should go unmet. When I work with clients in may therapy office in Murrieta, this is a big part of our work- feeling comforting with vulnerability.

Ask your loved ones for help

When you are the super competent, responsible person, everyone around you assumes that you can handle everything. Know your limits and be willing to ask others to help you. This is another big part of my therapy or counseling process. This prevents burn out and the endless feeling of disappointment that comes when no one offers to help you out.

Asking for help could seem very difficult- after all you’re used to handling it all on your own. But its time, you’ll feel a deep sense of relief when you learn to delegate or outsource.

Start saying “No.”

It’s important to accept that you are not superwoman. And that’s not a bad thing. Although you are the go to person and you’re also very competent, please know that rest is just as productive as work. Sometimes you have to say “No” to others when they are asking for your assistance- so that you can invest more time in rest.

The truth is that when you are the super responsible person, people who could be competent, begin to slack off because they know you will take care of things for them. But when you begin a new pattern of encouraging others to take care of responsibilities themselves, you actually will have more time to focus on tasks that are important to you.

Talk to a therapist or counselor

Assertiveness practice is such a key part of my counseling practice in Murrieta. If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of invisibility and in the superwoman role, maybe it’s time to talk to a mental health professional. As a Black or African American therapist in Murrieta, CA, I help women who identify as the responsible ones, learn how to communicate their needs, get their needs met and also be seen as human and fallible.

Click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation call so you can finally be seen and heard.

A lesson on showing up as the real you (even if your family doesn't understand you)

If you are the ‘Different one’ or the one who stands out in your family, it could be very difficult to show up just as you are. Or perhaps you’re still not sure who the real you actually is.

Maybe you were bullied, laughed at and basically told that you were not good enough. Maybe you had to spend your time trying to be like everyone else- begging to fit in. No matter how hard you tried, it just didn’t work. Sometimes when you are the non-toxic one in your family, you learn to build a persona to protect yourself.

There’s the you who puts up a suit of armor so that you can protect yourself from your family, and there’s the you who shows up in all other situations.

But it’s painful to constantly switch back and forth. After a while you don’t know who you are. Here’s a simple way to begin to show up as you.

It starts with self-validation

In my counseling practice, I love to give my clients exercises. Get out a sheet of paper, set an alarm for 5 minutes and write out as many good qualities about yourself that you can think of. Naturally, you will begin to think of all the negative messages your family or loved ones have sent you over the years.

For example, if one of your positive qualities is “I’m a great artist,” you might be tempted to delete that one because your family doesn’t embrace your art. Please don’t.

Self-validation is not about what your family or the world thinks about you. It is unlearning the toxic messages you were taught and re-learning how to embrace your own inner beauty- so that you can finally let go of the anxiety that comes with pretending to be someone that you’re not. It is coming to acceptance that you matter and your feelings matter.

Take stock of those you surround yourself with

On that same sheet of paper, write down the top 5-10 people you spend most of your time with. Think of the people you text the most, the ones you talk to on the phone the most, as well as who you follow on social media. Do you feel like you can be yourself around them? Or do you reach for your persona when you’re in those spaces?

Next to each person’s name, write down how you feel when you interact with them. Just use one or two words.

Are they pouring positivity into you or do you feel awful after every interaction with them? If you must show up as yourself, the people around you also have to be people who give you the space to be you.

Do a little social media/friend purge:

The beauty of social media is that it can transport us to beautiful, faraway places. The downside is it could sometimes lead to self loathing and sadness. Set another timer and go through your friends/follow list. How do you feel as you see the names and pictures of each social media friend?

Rely on your intuition. It never leads you astray. It might be time to mute or delete social media friends who are not adding positive value to your life.

Now on to real life friends. Take a moment to determine who your real friends are. Who has been there to celebrate you when things are going well? Write their names down.

Who was there to lean on when things weren’t going so well? Write their names down.

Who are the ones who try to outshine you, put you down or try to make you feel small? Write their names down. Remember that you can make a conscious choice to either surround yourself with loving, uplifting people or energy suckers.

The choice is yours. Give yourself permission to do it!

As a therapist for women and couples in Murrieta, CA one of my most important tasks is to teach my clients how to show up as themselves. Regardless of the level of toxicity you were raised in, I help high achieving women learn how to stand up for themselves, find their authentic voices and ditch toxicity.

If you are ready to roll up your sleeves, ditch anxiety and start showing up as the real you, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta who sees women and couples throughout California.

Finding understanding with difficult family members and loved ones

Being the odd one out within a family can be hard.

You try your best to blend in, but it always feels like a punch in the gut when you are reminded that you are different. You keep your opinions to yourself, but once in a while, your true self comes peeking through.

Unfortunately, your true self isn’t celebrated.

You feel like you are being pigeon holed. But you know that you don’t belong in a box. You want to be yourself and express yourself in your own unique way. Here are 4 ways to possibly find understanding from difficult family members.

1) Get realistic about what type of relationship you can have with family members

When you are the different one within your family, finding acceptance could feel like a losing game. You try really hard, but they still reject or misunderstand you. Take a moment to ask yourself what you want from that relationship. Are your wants actually realistic or would your entire family have to change who they are in order for you to get what you want?

Let go of the idea that you will be fully embraced by everyone. Chances are your entire family probably won’t change at once, so maybe you can change what you expect from them.

Your family and loved ones don’t have to share the same interests and hobbies as you. It’s even possible that they don’t completely understand you.

Accept that and move forward. Find commonalities if you can.

2) Stop arguing with family members

When you seek acceptance from others, sometimes you can get sucked into the trap of arguing back and forth with them. Sometimes we try to force others to understand our point of view.

It does you no good to try to force people to understand you.

As long as you understand your own values and your worth, it no longer will be so important for others to truly embrace your values.

Avoid hot button topics that trigger the unwelcome opinions of your family and loved ones. Stick to neutral topics, and that way your visits with them will be so much more pleasant.

In my therapy practice in Murrieta, CA, I teach my clients how to respond assertively, while navigating difficult family dynamics.

3) Validate yourself

No matter how strong or opinionated you are, it is definitely painful to not be accepted by the ones you love. Take some time to grieve the relationships that were lost and the strained relationships. Find people who see you and get you. Sometimes your friends can feel so much more comforting than your own family members.

Not all family has to be related to you by blood. Sometimes friends become like family.

Remind yourself that your worth is not determined by the opinions of others. Even if you are the odd one in the family, you are still deserving of love and acceptance.

Remind yourself of that when times get hard. If you struggle with this, counseling in Temecula can help.

4) Create healthy boundaries

Keeping healthy boundaries is the best way to survive a difficult or toxic family dynamic. The positive part is that you decide what boundaries to set.

If you are in the presence of a very contentious family member, keep conversations short, polite and to the point.

You also do not have to pick up every single phone call or respond to text messages immediately. When a text comes in, take a moment and think through it before responding.

Focus on 2 or 3 conversation topics and don’t accept the invite to debate on hot button topics. Know what occasions and family gatherings to skip.

If you do decide to attend family gatherings, know that you have the option of a short visit. Don’t punish yourself by showing up early and leaving late.

Although you don’t get to choose your family, you can decide how to maneuver your relationships so that you’re not feeling dreadful every time you interact with them.

If you are a woman in the Murrieta/Temecula area who is feeling tired and hurt by the rejection from a toxic family, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call, so you can learn how to manage anxiety, speak up for yourself and learn how to set healthy boundaries. I’m a Black therapist in Murrieta, CA who helps women find their voice, manage difficult relationships and learn how to show up authentically.

As a counselor in California, I see clients throughout California through my HIPAA compliant online office.

Generational curses: Fact or Fiction?

“I think my family is under a generational curse.”

This is a statement that I have heard over and over again. Sometimes people even go as far as to say that certain traits like anger, a loud tone of voice or impatience are part of the generational curse on their family.

When we believe that our parents’ traits (like a hot temper), is a curse, we resign to the idea that we are destined to repeat the cycles of the past.

Thereby creating a self fulfilling prophecy (You believe something will happen, therefore it actually does).

While I believe that parents and grandparents definitely pass down traits to their children, the good news is that we are not doomed by generational curses.

For more information on how families pass down various behaviors to one another, click here to learn more about the multigenerational transmission process.

“But Ibi, if we aren’t doomed by generational curses, then why is it that everyone in my family keeps repeating the same old mistakes?” Well, I’m glad you asked.

We often repeat behaviors we see when we were growing up for various reasons.

Let’s say when you were growing up, your dad always threw things to show his frustration. Then when your mom was frustrated, she yelled at you. You grow up believing that yelling and throwing things are appropriate ways to express your anger.

Perhaps you don’t know any other alternatives.

As you got older, not only did it become acceptable for you to cuss people out, scream and shout, your parents even encouraged you to do so- to show that you were “Strong.” Sometimes your parents actually praised you for having a hot temper. As you might know, praise tends to encourage behavior. So you continued in this pattern.

When you moved out of your neighborhood, you had to maintain this hot temper so that you were not taken advantage of. Eventually, you exhibited the hot temper at work. Your boss and coworkers are stunned at how quick you can flip, but you do not try to change your behavior- because your hot temper is a generational curse. You’ve resigned yourself to this.

Let’s look at it from another lens.

Breaking away from toxic family behaviors

Your upbringing was the same- dad threw things, mom yelled. You also became a yeller as you got older. However when you got to college, these behaviors became problematic for you. You began to struggle with professors, supervisors and other students.

You decide to seek help for your temper. Let’s say you seek out a licensed therapist. You learn different ways to communicate your feelings and help others understand what you need. You learn what your triggers are, set boundaries with loved ones and you learn to be more assertive- rather than aggressive.

Your life changes for the better

Very soon, you begin to thrive at work and your relationships blossom. Because you decided to take a step to break that generational curse, your kids won’t struggle with the same problem that you and your parents did.

Instead, they will inherit a legacy of clear communication, empathy and understanding. When they are upset, you teach them healthy communication tools, you listen to them, validate them and show them how to be assertive, rather than aggressive.

While your family of origin can influence your future, they do not have to determine it. You might have learned quite a lot of behaviors that served your parents well, but if those behaviors no longer serve you, you have the power to work on changing them.

Remember that!

Cheers to now being a generational curse breaker and stopping the cycle of toxicity in your family.

Seek help from a licensed therapist in Murrieta/Temecula

If you realize that you were raised in a toxic family dynamic, and you are ready to break the toxic family cycle, ditch anxiety and learn how to speak up for yourself, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call. I provide therapy services of counseling for women in the Murrieta/Temecula area. I also provide online counseling for California residents online.

You are a change maker.