The average couple waits about 6 years after the start of marital issues before seeking help. 6 years! That’s a long time. It’s over 2,000 days of unhappiness. Let me tell you a secret- you do not need to wait that long to establish the happy, fulfilling marriage or relationship that you want.

Now you don’t necessarily have to run to a couples therapist or marriage counselor for every relationship issue. Not sure if you should seek marriage counseling? Here are 5 signs that you need couples therapy NOW.

1) The friendship between you and your spouse feels flat

First of all, let me the say that couples therapy isn’t a bad thing- just like taking your car to the mechanic when the check engine light is on, is also not a bad thing.

If you feel like you’re just roommates, you also look over at your spouse and you don’t know them anymore- things just feel off, then It’s an indication that you do really need couples therapy.

Marriage counseling can change a mediocre marriage and make it spectacular. I do hear all the time that couples counseling will end a marriage. That’s not necessarily true. If your marriage ended after couples therapy, chances are that there were many underlying factors that came to the surface and led to the end of the marriage. Chances are those underlying issues would have bubbled up to the surface eventually.

2) You are always irritated by your spouse

There’s some normalcy to being irritated by your spouse every now and then. Disagreements happen all the time in marriage. But if every time you look over at your husband or wife, you feel like you cannot stand their guts, it’s time to have someone come in and help you repair the situation.

Marriage counseling is all about repairing past hurts and improving communication, so that you can move forward in your relationship. You also learn skills to prevent the same issue from coming up over and over again.

It s not about getting rid of all conflicts, marriage counseling helps you manage conflicts appropriately.

3) Your marriage feels like a constant series of arguments

When you notice that you are arguing about toast, the car, what time to wake up in the morning, or just all sorts of unimportant things, that’s a red flag. When you feel like you are strangers who are speaking different languages and no matter how hard you try, it feels like there’s always an argument, there’s another red flag.

You don’t have to continue to live in a situation where you aren’t speaking to each other or everything you say to each other causes annoyance. Marriage doesn't have to be that difficult.

Is it possible to repair a marriage where there has been silent treatment going on for years and years? Yes! Communication is a skill. In marriage counseling, you’ll learn how to talk to each other, how to manage your anger, how to communicate your feelings clearly to your spouse. You learn how to get each other to really listen, take in what you both are hearing and communicate appropriately. It sounds difficult, but with practice, you can do it effectively.

4) Infidelity, secrets and lies are running rampant in your marriage

I believe that there is physical, sexual, financial and emotional infidelity. When there is infidelity, it’s important to see a couples therapist or marriage counselor because talking through what happened is important if the couples wants to find healing.

I don’t believe in pretending that infidelity didn’t happen. You have to talk about it, the partner who engaged in the infidelity should also be repentant and honest about what happened. Chances are the partner who was hurt by the infidelity also wants answers.

In marriage counseling or couples therapy, you’ll address the details of the infidelity or secrets, what led to the infidelity and wats to prevent this from happening in the future. Infidelity, secrets and lies are symptoms of a deeper problem. It’s usually about intimacy and communication. However the spouse who was not involved in the infidelity should not be blamed.

Should you wait until there’s infidelity to go to marriage counseling? Nope. I believe that premarital counseling is important so that you start your marriage on a firm foundation. Most couples unfortunately skip this step.

5) You feel like running away from your marriage or your spouse

You avoid your spouse at all costs. You take the kids to all the extracurricular activities, you work late, wake up early- you just don’t want to see your spouse’s face. Sometimes there’s no infidelity, hatred, or arguing, but there’s a disconnect in your marriage. When your husband is leaving the house, you feel really happy. When he’s out of town, you get excited.

Couples therapy isn’t a bad thing. It’s not a taboo. Chances are you know a few people who have been to marriage counseling- they just aren’t telling you.

Couple counseling doesn't mean you’re on the road to divorce. It just means that you’re on your way to improve your marriage, improve your friendship with your spouse, improve intimacy, learn how to manage conflicts, accept each other and have a happier, healthier relationship.

Are you tired of being in a stale marriage in which you both are speaking different languages? Click here to schedule your 15-minute free consultation call to find out if marriage counseling in Murrieta/Temecula and online is right for you.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.

I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.