So you’ve started couples counseling. You’re nervous. Sometimes you don’t even. want to be there, but what you really want is to feel connected to your spouse. You’re tired of the arguments, the cold shoulders and feeling like you live with a roommate.

Here are 5 simple tips to help you make the most out of marriage counseling.

1) Be clear about your goal for marriage counseling

It’s important to know what you want to get out of couples therapy before you start. For marriage therapy to be successful, both partners must be active participants in the counseling process. Sure, sometimes one partner drags the other one into therapy, but it’s so much more productive when both of you want to be there.

Ask yourself, “What do I want my relationship to look like in 3 months, 6 months or 1 year?” Write down the specifics. Your spouse should do this exercise as well as he or she might have a different outcome in mind.

What would your friends and family members notice about your relationship if marriage counseling or therapy has worked? Write it down.
What will your interactions with your partner look like? How would they be different? Write it down.
What would your kids notice at the dinner table or at bedtime? Write it down.
How will you both handle arguments or conflict if couples therapy was a success? Write it down.

People who come into couples therapy without any goals run the risk of falling out of therapy quicker or dragging out the process endlessly with limited results.

2) Shift your mindset before starting couples therapy or marriage counseling

This starts before you actually talk to your marriage counselor for the first time. It’s important to have a positive mindset before starting couples therapy.

If you believe that marriage counseling won’t work for you- it probably won’t. If you go into therapy thinking, “This sucks. It won’t work.” Or “I don’t want to be here,” then chances are, you won’t be attentive in session, your arms will be crossed the entire time, and you won’t follow through with any of the feedback that your couples therapist gives you. It becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.

But if you think “I know I will be asked to try new things. I know that this will be different and I’ll be asked to grow and stretch,” you’ll be in much better shape. Remember that even if you think your husband for wife is the problem, both of you have a role to play in improving your marriage or relationship. Don’t go in there thinking “I have nothing to change. I’m perfect.” Be willing to change something about your behavior, thoughts and dynamics.

3) Get a couples therapy notebook

I say this to all my clients- even those in individual therapy. Most of the work of marriage counseling happens outside of therapy. You only spend about an hour in session, but most of your life is lived outside of the therapy session. There are 23 other hours in the day.

It’s important that you still continue to process and explore what you learned in couples therapy when you’re out and about. As a homework giving therapist who believes that couples therapy should work, I expect my clients to write things that come up for them outside of session, so you can bring it into the marriage counseling session and have a more productive session.

Sometimes you come into session thinking, “There was something I wanted to tell my therapist, but now I’ve forgotten.” Your couples therapy notebook is the perfect place to keep a record of interactions within your marriage. These interactions don’t have to be negative ones. You can also write down positive things like progress you’re making, fun times that are happening, and ways that your relationship is flourishing. This keeps you motivated to keep going in therapy. Therapy shouldn’t just focus on the bad, so track the good.

4) It’s important to actually implement the skills you’re learning in couples therapy

Even if your couples therapist has 7 PhDs and 5 master’s degrees, or he literally wrote the book on couples therapy, your relationship will remain the same if you’re not implementing what you’re learning in marriage counseling. Same goes for individual and family therapy.

Therapy is a way to grow, stretch yourself and stretch your relationship. Even though therapy can be uncomfortable, remember that growth comes with discomfort.

You could be asked to use a softer tone, rather than raising your voice. Or to say “Thank you” more often or to soften your body language. No growth can happen if you continue the way things were.

5) Let your guard down when you go to marriage counseling

It’s normal to be a bit apprehensive, skeptical or afraid when you begin couples therapy. As a therapist, I don’t just throw you to the deep end. I’m able to create safety in the session. This is why I do a free 15-minute consultation call before we begin our work together- so that I ensure that both you and your spouse are ready to begin the process of marriage counseling.

I know it is very difficult to let your guard down in couples therapy- after all, no one goes to marriage counseling because their relationship is perfect. You’re here to fix the areas that are broken. But if your guard is up the entire time, you won’t be able to implement the skills you will learn.

On average most couples wait about 6 years before they go to see a couples therapist. You do not have to wait that long. If something feels off in your marriage or relationship, reach out to a couples therapist.

If you implement these tips I mentioned, chance are couples therapy will work for you. If you are ready to stop the arguing, refresh your marriage and create a lasting love again, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call to see if marriage counseling in Murrieta and online is right for you.

About the Author

My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia.