Validation is a skill that very few people truly understand. I see it every time during couples counseling in Houston. However, it is actually such an important skill when it comes to connecting with your spouse in marriage. In my couples therapy sessions in Houston, I often find that couples want to jump from problem, straight to solution. However, the middle ground that is missing is the skill of validation.
So what exactly is validation? According to dictionary.com, validation is “Recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”
Notice that it doesn’t state that you have to completely understand the other person’s point of view. It also does not state that you have to completely agree with their point of view. It is simply just recognizing that their feelings are worthwhile and valid.
What role does validation play in a marriage?
It helps your spouse feel seen and heard. And when your spouse feels seen and heard, they are more likely to feel connected to you.
So how do you validate in marriage?
Simply work to acknowledge that what your spouse is feeling is real. Don’t just think it, say it out loud to them.
Here are 7 simple statements you can say to your spouse when they are having a big emotion or both of you are involved in a disagreement:
1) I can see that you’re experiencing a big emotion, tell me more about what’s going on for you.
2) I can totally understand how that could feel difficult for you.
3) I can see why you feel that way.
4) That sounds very difficult.
5) How can I support you?
6) Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?
7) I see you’re [insert emotion here], how can I support you?
As you can see, these statements are not very long or complicated. When next your spouse is showing a big emotion like anger, sadness, hurt, pain or disappointment, take a moment to help them understand that you see and hear them.
If you are ready to learn how to connect intimately with your spouse, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call with me. I provide marriage counseling in Houston and virtually throughout Texas.
About the Author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are: