You Deserve Friends Who Pour Back Into You: A Guide for Isolated Women Entrepreneurs
Why So Many Brilliant Women Feel Alone
As a Black therapist in Houston who often sits before entrepreneurs, I know that many of the people who come to me are strong women who know how to do A LOT.
But because you know how to do a lot, does not mean that you should be doing a lot all of the time. When you are the backbone of your household, your family and/or your friend group, it can feel good. Because you feel needed, you feel intelligent and you feel competent. But the problem with being the go to, is that it can quickly lead to emotional isolation. Everyone dumps all of the things on you and expects you to pick up the pieces. Because of your strength, care and capability, people forget to check up on you. They just assume you’re fine. And because your reputation is one of a fixer and caretaker, you stop reaching out to people in vulnerability.
Maybe you’ve experienced trauma in your past. And that trauma taught you to put up your defenses. Because you’ve decided that you never want to be hurt again. So you make sure you have the upper hand in all areas. You’ve learned how to do so many things and you’re truly independent. But it has led you to one sided relationships in which you are the all knowing one. You are the one who pours into them, and they don’t have much to offer you. Even though you know you are safe- they can’t hurt you. But you feel burdened, bitter and lonely.
When was the last time you felt truly seen? When was the last time you felt safe enough to open up your heart to someone? To cry in the presence of someone? To say that you were not okay, rather than faking it and taking on the role of the strong one? I just know that your highly sensitive heart is wanting to be able to share your depth with others.
When was the last time you felt truly seen?
God’s Plan for Friendship and Community
Reflect on this scripture for a moment: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.“ Ecclesiastes 4:9–10.
It speaks to what friendship is supposed to look like. Friendship is supposed to be a balance of give and take. There is no reason why you should carry everybody's burdens, but have nobody to carry your burdens with you. A friendship should feel good and light to everyone involved. Because it is important to know that God desires you to have a soul nourishing connection with others. When we think about the relationship between God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, we see that they are in sync with one another and they are in perfect unity. No one is carrying a heavier load than the other, rather they are doing the work together. With one mind.
Now of course we are human, so our friendships will not be perfect, but this is a great model to know that God wants you to be able to walk with others. Your friends should pour into you just like you pour into them. A good friend is someone you can go to with your joys, your cares, your fears and your weaknesses. They help build you up, they make you laugh, they are honest with you, but there is no judgment. They wan to see you shine as much as they want to shine themselves. They don’t suck the life out of you. And as a Christian therapist in Houston, I very much love helping highly sensitive women figure out how to navigate their friendships as adults so they can be nourishing and mutually beneficial.
Redefining Friendship: What to Look For
If you are in the market for a better friend, or you look around and find that you do not have friends that are trustworthy, here is a comparison between what a healthy friendship is versus a toxic friendship. In a toxic friendship, it feels like a competition. Your friend wants to outshine and outdo you. They do not think about your needs before they just offload on you. Sometimes they might laugh at you or even do things to demean or sabotage you. When you set a boundary with them, they act like they have heard or understood the boundary but they do not necessarily respect said boundaries. They constantly do things to get on your nerves and trigger you, even after you have communicated your dislikes. Unhealthy friendships feel like an energy suck and you constantly feel like you're being disrespected.
But healthy friendships are just the opposite. Even though you might have disagreements with healthy friends, they're usually willing to listen to your point of view and ensure that both parties are heard. They are mature in their behavior towards you and they're never trying to outdo you. They understand that there will be seasons in which you will shine brighter than them, and they will be able to give you the loudest applause even though it might not be their season to shine. They care about your feelings and the level of bandwidth that you have in each season. Life is not only about them. They know that there's enough room for both you and them to do well.
Healthy relationships can come in different arenas of your life. You can have healthy relationships at church, you can have healthy relationships with your friendships, and you can also have healthy business partnerships.
With church, they do not have you serve until you have nothing left in you. They understand that you have a life outside of the body of Christ and they're willing to also serve you as well. They know that your input is important and they're willing to hear you out. If they ever need to call you out or correct you, it is done in love rather then to embarrass you.
With business relationships and partnerships, they understand that both of you have a common goal. They're willing to listen to your point of view rather than going behind your back to implement things that you said you did not want. They always think of the common good before themselves. And when there are disagreements, they are willing to work with you to find a mutually acceptable solution. Compromise is important.
Safe Vulnerability: Letting Yourself Be Known
Sometimes you might unknowingly block new friendships from coming into your life because you’ve been told that you’re “too much” or “too needy.” As a highly sensitive person with deep empathy, who also experiences emotions deeply, perhaps when you were growing up, your emotions were not celebrated. And so you learned to mask them, to stop crying, to stop telling people when you were hurt, and you built an armor to become the strong woman that everyone knows today.
But know that it is normal to crave deep, meaningful friendships, as well as conversations that go beyond small talk and chit chat. Start with small, safe steps. Not everyone has to know the details of your life. But if you can trust someone with small things, they can probably be trusted with larger things. Start with sharing something that’s just a little bit deep to see hw they react. See what they do with the information. Is she empathetic? Does she judge you? does she bring other people into the conversation? Know that a gossip is a gossip everywhere. Meaning, if your friend is talking bad about others behind their backs, she is doing the same about you.
Was you throw small breadcrumbs, you will now when it’s time to go even deeper.
How Therapy Helps You Attract Healthier Connections
As you begin to heal from past struggles and the difficulties that you have experienced in past friendships, you will find that you will be more likely to be able to trust new friends that come into your life. As you build friendships, remember that you are not desperate. You're not in a hurry. Even though you feel lonely, you have to take your time before you can find out who actually deserves to be in your life. Take your time to figure out who these new people are in your life, take your time to determine whether or not you want them to be in your life, and remember that friendship involves reciprocal connection.
You deserve friendships that pour back into you. If you’re tired of doing life alone, therapy may be the path toward safe, healing connection. As a Christian therapist in Houston, I walk with women just like you. Book a free consult for therapy in Houston today.
About
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist in California and Texas. I help women who are struggling with trauma, anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
