As a Houston couples therapist, I see it all the time- a wife complaining that her husband does not fulfill her emotional needs. But when I ask her if she has been specific about what she wants, the answer is usually, “No.”
You see, most of the time, you are actually doing a poor job of communicating your needs to your spouse. Many couples struggle because they do not yet have the communication skills that are necessary to help their spouse understand them. And yes it’s possible for you to have been married for 5 years and still be unsure of how to appropriately communicate to your husband or wife in a way that they can understand.
Here are some simple tips to help your spouse understand what you need, straight from the mouth of a couples therapist in Houston:
1) Spend some time connecting with your own feelings
If you have no clue how you are feeling, it’s going to be almost impossible for your spouse to understand how you are feeling. Get used to using feeling words. Ask yourself, “How am I actually feeling?” Is it happy, sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, disrespected, neutral, etc?
Sometimes while in couples therapy, I check in which each partner to ask them what’s going on in their hearts. It helps give them a few seconds to pause and check before responding to their spouse.
Once you know how you feel, it’s time to move on to the next step.
2) What exactly triggered you?
After identifying your feelings, it’s also important to know what exactly triggered you.
Take a moment to identify if it was something within your environment, something your husband said or did, or none of the above.
Was it that you were already having a bad day? Or that your husband was staring at his phone rather than listening to you? Or are you super hungry and tired, so anything your husband could have said would have triggered you anyway?
This is another marriage counseling tip. Get used to checking in to see what exactly triggered that big emotion. It helps you better understand yourself, and helps you husband better understand you.
3) What type of support do you need?/What do you need from your spouse?
Now that you know how you feel and why you were triggered, what do you want your spouse to do about it? In what way would you feel supported? Remember that he has no clue what you need, until you tell him. And I know this can be super frustrating, but it’s true- your husband is NOT a mind reader.
Do you want an apology? Do you want time alone? Do you want to talk about it? Do you just want him to listen better next time? Do you want him to put his phone away?
If you don’t know what would help you feel comforted, your husband certainly won’t know.
Get in the habit of checking in with your feelings every day. Once you get good at doing this, you can then learn to share these feelings with your spouse.
As a Black Christian marriage counselor in Houston, my job is to help you on the communication and friendship in your marriage. If you are finally ready to learn how to speak in a way that your husband will finally understand, click here to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call for marriage counseling in Houston. Let’s take your marriage from boring and frustrated to exciting.
About the author
My name is Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist who provides Christian marriage counseling in Houston, TX and throughout California.
I help women who are struggling with anxiety and insomnia. I also help couples learn how to speak each other’s language, date each other again and manage conflict in a non-painful way.
Many of my clients are:
Couples who want to regain their friendship and trust
If you’re ready to take the next steps, click here.